“We sit down for dinner. Declan (5) whines, ‘You didn’t get me my milk!” Not, ‘Thank you so much for this delicious meal you have made after a long workday, Mommy. Can I please have some milk?’ We get to the playground and he complains, ‘You didn’t bring the right pail!’ We read three books at bedtime, he accuses, ‘We didn’t get to read my favorite book about the pandas (because he hadn’t chosen it!) The whining is out of control and driving us insane. He finds fault with everything.”

“Nina (5) and I had a great day together, filled with lots of play and fun activities. Then, at bedtime, just when I was saying goodnight, she insisted she needed to go back downstairs to check on her Magnatile structure. She is a master of obfuscation, and we are trying to get a handle on that—so bedtime doesn’t become chaotic and so she goes to sleep at a reasonable hour. So, I said that wasn’t possible, it was time for sleep, and she could check on her creation first thing in the morning—it would still be there. She started crying and shouting, “This is the worst day ever!”

“My son, Harry (7) is very attached to me and demanding of my attention, which leads to him getting a lot more of it than my other kids. Last night when I told him a babysitter was coming, he pleaded for me not to go and accused, ‘You care more about your friends than me!’ This gets me in the gut and makes me feel guilty—like I’m rejecting and hurting him. When I take a step back, I know that it’s not wrong for me to want a night out to meet my own needs. He just makes it so hard.”

“Ceci (8) insists on accusing people of harming her when it’s clearly an accident and then demands apologies. For example, she was racing up the stairs to surpass her sister and stubbed her toe along the way. She started shouting at her sister that it was her fault and needs to apologize. Or, she’s at the kitchen counter coloring and some water spills onto her paper and smudges her picture. She accuses me of causing it and demands an apology.  We often just do it to pacify her and move on. But we know it’s unhealthy. We don’t know what to do.”

Why this mindset?

We can’t know exactly why kids react as they do. There’s no brain scan that tells us definitively what triggers their behavior. But the detective work I guide parents through to identify the root cause has led to insights into the meaning behind these behaviors. Almost always, temperament is a big factor.

Some kids, often those who are highly sensitive, filter their experiences through this victim mindset. They process their experiences in the world through a deficit, half-glass-empty lens. It’s a wiring issue, not a stance your child has chosen or that you have engendered in your child.

They have a lower threshold for discomfort. When something doesn’t happen the way they expect or desire, they have a hard time coping and often externalize blame. They react as if they have been wronged, wounded and are being deprived when something unexpected happens, when you set a limit they don’t like, or when you are not able to meet all of their needs. They demand apologies and compensation, lest they take their pound of flesh. 

I know that can be a hard pill to swallow, especially when you see other kids or have another child who is positive and easy-going (aka, a “dandelion” to your child’s “orchid.“) You wonder, "Why can't you just be like (insert the flexible, positive child) and see all the amazing things you have and get to do?!"

These kids are also extremely clever and know how to pull at their loving parents’ heartstrings to get them to give them what they want, like Harry who didn’t want his mom to go out with her friends. This dynamic is often at play with the parent who has assumed the role of the “emotional support parent”—the person whom they depend on to meet all their needs (demands) and prevent or solve all problems.

Environmental factors may also play a role, such as: a new baby in the family, sibling jealousy/competition, or another stressor, like a parent being absent. A mom has had to travel a lot recently to care for her ill mother. Her daughter, Maisy (4) is understandably feeling deprived and filtering everything through the “I’m never getting enough” lens. She is demanding mom make up for her absence by reading more and more books and extending cuddle time far beyond a healthy bedtime. Mom is having a hard time holding any limits out of guilt.

Jaden (6) is a middle child and is very competitive with his older brother (9.) He is constantly accusing his parents of being unfair: letting his older brother stay up later, even demanding that they weigh and measure their desserts because he is sure they are giving his brother a bigger portion.

And here’s a story from my own parenting trenches, that I am not proud of. I would give my kids—Sam and Jess—baths together every night starting when Jess was 6 months (and Sam was 3). Each night I would ask who wanted to get out first. Sam always wanted to stay in longer. Jess didn’t seem to care, not to mention that she wasn’t verbal yet and able to take a stance. Then, when Jess was about 20 months, I posed what I had come to consider the nightly rhetorical question. But on this occasion, Jess exclaimed: “I want to stay in!” Given that the “score” was 365 (give or take) to zero, I said of course Jess should get a turn. Sam’s response: “I never get to stay in the bath longer!”

How to Respond: What not to do

Try to change your child’s feelings—to logic them into rationality. If you’re like most parents I work with, your natural reaction may be to try to reason with your child:

"Why don't you see all the things we do for you? It’s never enough!”

"Why do you have to look at everything so negatively?"

Get defensive; to convince them you haven’t wronged them.

"We didn't read the Panda book because you didn't choose it! It's not my fault."

“Are you kidding me! You’ve gotten to stay longer in the bath every single night for a year! You get to do so much more than Jess.” (Which is exactly how I reacted—with anger and shaming.)

The problem with these responses is that refuting your child’s perspective and trying to change their minds usually results in them doubling-down on their stance/accusations. (They’re not pausing and thinking: “Good point, you’re right, that was totally irrational.”)

When the response includes shaming—the meta-message being “what’s wrong with you?”—it shuts kids down and makes learning any important lessons you’re trying to teach impossible.

Buy into the guilt and acquiesce to their demands. You cancel the babysitter. You let bedtime go on way too long. You let the more demanding child get what they want, often at the expense of the more adaptable child who forgoes their needs in favor of family peace.

Reacting in these ways sends several unhelpful messages to your child, including:

• Reinforcing the false notion that you’ve wronged your child and now you owe them.

• Engendering entitlement.

• Creating resentment in the siblings whose needs are put on the back burner.

• That you can control people by guilting them into doing what you want.

What to do

Show compassion while holding important limits.

"I hear that you’d like some milk. You’re welcome to pour yourself some whenever you like.” If they’re not old enough to do this independently, you might respond: “I’d be happy to get you that milk when you ask for it with respect and a kind voice.”

“You wish you had a different pail. I understand. You can choose to use the ones we have or you can play somewhere else at the park. You decide!"

"There are so many books to choose from each night! We are lucky to have so many. I can't wait to read the panda book tomorrow."

“I know you don’t like it when mommy goes out with friends and we have a babysitter. You want mommy here all the time. I love my time with you, too. I also love my time with my friends, so I will be going out. I’m not asking you to like it or agree with it; this is a mommy decision. I can’t wait to see you in the morning.”

“I have been away doing the very important job of taking care of grandma. I know you have missed mommy and I’ve missed you so much, too. I am going to add another five minutes to our cuddle time before bed so we have some extra time together.”  This acknowledges that being separated is hard and that her child needs something extra to fill her cup (which, by the way, may never feel full to her, no matter how much attention mom gives her!) At the same time it doesn’t play into or reinforce the notion that mom has done something wrong and owes her daughter—so now she has to let her stay up too late or meet other unhealthy demands. The fact is that these kinds of situations are going to arise that kids have to learn to cope with. You want to show empathy for the impact on them, but not to validate the narrative that they’ve been wronged. Those are two very different things.

“I know you love staying in the bath longer. But it’s my job to make sure both you and Jess get a turn to come out last. So, we are going to start switching off each night to make it fair. I know that’s a big change, and you may not like it, and that’s okay. I don’t expect you to be happy with the new plan.” That’s how I wish I had handled it. (The pain of 20/20 hindsight.)

“I know you feel it’s unfair that your brother gets to stay up later. You don’t like that rule. I totally understand why you would see it that way. But mommy and daddy are in charge of making rules for each child based on what you each need to grow healthy and strong. Your brother gets to stay up later because his body doesn’t need as much sleep. That’s what happens when you get older. He went to bed at 8 when he was your age and you’ll be able to stay up until 9 when you’re his age. Fair is not always equal.”

“We are not going to measure the desserts. They’re almost never exactly the same size. Sometimes yours might be bigger and sometimes your brother’s might be bigger. That happens. You can either eat yours or not. That’s up to you.”

"I know you're disappointed/angry that I won't let you finish your Magnatile structure when it feels so important to you right now. But it's time for bed. You can finish it in the morning."⁠ Then you hold the limit, tolerating your child’s displeasure. In a quiet moment, you can help them gain the self-awareness that is so important for all human beings but especially for HSCs. "You have really big feelings. When you are happy and having so much fun, like when were splashing in puddles all the way home in the rain earlier today. When you’re sad, or mad, or frustrated because you can't have something you want, those feelings are also really big and overwhelming and sometimes eat up all the good feelings. You can't remember the good stuff in those moments, even though both happy and hard things happen for everyone." When you validate your child’s experience and build their self-awareness, over time children are more likely to pause, reflect on their reactions, and build strong coping skills to better manage those difficult moments.

The goal is to help children see that not getting everything they want is about healthy and developmentally appropriate limits, not about love or favoritism. Liam’s parents want him to create a new narrative that is not one of “I am a victim, always being deprived”, but one that sounds more like, “When I can’t have everything the way I want it, and my parents set limits, it doesn’t mean I am not loved or valued.” Mature as this outlook may seem, over time, children can and do internalize this very important concept.

Related Resources:

10 Traits of Highly Sensitive Children

"This Is the WORST DAY EVER!" When one minor incident upends the entire day

How to Not Let Your Big Reactor Suck All the Life Out of Your Family

Teaching Kids that Fair is not Equal

You Are Not A Helicopter Parent. You Are Your Child's Emotional Support Parent

When Your Child Has a Pessimistic Outlook

Negative Self-Talk: What it means and what you can do

“It’s All Your Fault!” Why Your Child Blames You For Everything (and how to help kids learn to take responsibility for their mistakes)

When Not to Apologize to Your Child

He’s Going To Take His Pound of Flesh: When Your Child Demands to Equalize

Let me tell you the story of Amelia (4), a highly sensitive child who has very big reactions when something doesn’t happen the way she expects. If dad shows up at school instead of grandma, whom she was expecting, she will throw herself down in the parking lot and refuse to move. If there is a tiny poppy seed on her plain bagel, she will demand a new one.

When Amelia’s parents, Alan and Louisa, came for consultation, they were walking on eggshells. They found themselves accommodating to Amelia’s demands, as irrational as they seemed, to prevent the meltdowns that were so miserable for everybody.

In our consults, we worked on an approach that would enable Alan and Louisa to stay loving, calm and connected, while not giving in to Amelia’s demands. We needed to give her the chance to experience that she could tolerate the discomfort of the unexpected and develop critical flexibility.

After the third consult, Alan shared this story:

Amelia asked for an apricot (a fresh one.) When she cut it open (she likes to cut up her fruit to prevent the dripping that happens when she bites into juicy ones), she said it looked “gross and yucky” and refused to eat it. (It was perfectly fine, not rotten.)

Previously, Alan would have just given Amelia another apricot, rationalizing: “What’s the big deal? It’s just an apricot.” But in this instance, he mustered all his self-control and instead, did the following:

When I’m working with a family to solve their childrearing challenge(s), I guide parents through a process that helps us come up with sensitive effective strategies that empower them to be the loving, connected mom/dad they want to be while setting the clear limits and boundaries that help their kids:

• learn to manage their big feelings and self-regulate; to be flexible when things don’t happen the way they want or expect

• get through daily tasks and transitions without power struggles

• adapt to new situations and challenges

• rise to age-appropriate expectations

My goal is for parents to be able to internalize this process and use it to solve the myriad challenges that arise as part of parenting.

My ultimate goal is for parents to internalize this process so they can apply it to solve the myriad challenges that arise as part of parenting.

I hope this process will be helpful to you, too.

1.   Be sure the expectation is age- and situation- appropriate. For example: having a 3 yo bring their dishes to the sink after a meal; a 4 yo dressing themselves; a 5 yo being dropped off at an activity without their parent staying.

Establishing accurate expectations is critical because when they are too high, kids and parents are set up for failure; for example, expecting a 3 yo to sit quietly for an hour in church; a 4 yo to manage transitions without advance notice; or, a slow-to-warm 5 yo to run happily into a new Kindergarten class without hesitation.

If the expectation is too low, we are enabling kids, not helping them develop the skills that build confidence and self-esteem. For example, letting a 4 yo be in diapers during the day because they prefer them to using the toilet; or letting a 7 yo quit a fortifying activity they typically enjoy because they can’t tolerate not always being first or the best.  

 Keep in mind that when establishing expectations, context matters. Your 5 yo might be fully capable of hanging their backpack up and emptying their lunch box, but not the second they arrive home from school because they are fried after a long day. In this situation, an appropriate expectation might be to give them time to chill and refuel with a snack, snuggles, playtime, or screen time for, say, 30 minutes, before expecting them to do these jobs.

2.    Identify the root cause of the problem. This helps us come up with the most sensitive and effective strategies because we are addressing the underlying issue at play, not just the behavior.

• A 4 yo who insists on wearing diapers is struggling with still wanting to be a baby, especially if there is a new brother/sister in the family. They demand their parents do things for them that they are perfectly capable of doing themselves because they have associated this kind of caregiving with love and attention.

• A child who avoids situations that involve competition struggles with fear of failure and is quick to shame.

• A child who is inflexible and makes irrational demands feels overwhelmed on the inside so tries to control everything on the outside, as a coping mechanism.

• A child who demands her parent stay at a birthday party or activity when it’s supposed to be a drop-off event is struggling with separation anxiety. She doesn’t feel safe unless a parent is present.

3.    Ascertain what the child needs versus what they want.

• A child might want a parent to do their age-appropriate, self-care tasks for them. What they need is the chance to experience that they are competent and capable, and to see that loving and caring can and will happen, even when they take on bigger kid responsibilities.

• A child may want to quit a team to avoid the discomfort of not always being the best. What they need is the chance to muscle through so they can experience their ability to enjoy being part of a team and learn to tolerate imperfection.

• A child might want to bend the world to their will—to always feel in control. What they need is to learn to manage when they can’t have what they want exactly the way they want or expect—to build the flexibility and resilience necessary to get along well in the world.

• A child might want to cling to their parent at a birthday party of activity, and not let them leave. (But is fine being dropped off at activities when it’s the nanny or grandparent who takes them!) What they need is to see that they can feel safe and enjoy the activity with their friends, without their parents’ presence. (A sign of secure attachment.)

4.   Identify what is in the parents’ control to help their child move through a difficult situation, to effect change, that doesn’t rely on the child’s cooperation. Aka, not trying to change the child, but changing the situation.

Instead of bribing, rewarding, threatening, cajoling, nagging, or trying to convince their child to do the thing, a parent might:

• No longer dress a child who can do this task themselves and let them go to school in what they’re wearing when it’s time to leave. They pack a set of clothes in their child’s school bag so they can change whenever they choose.

• Tell their child that going to the activity they’re avoiding is a “have-to”—that’s a mommy/daddy decision, not a kid decision.

• Not changing the breakfast menu, even when their child demands a different option.

• Not stay with their child at the birthday party or activity. (Of course, leaving them in good hands with the caregiver in charge.)

5.   Establish ways parents can support their children; what tools will help them manage the difficult situation or new limit/expectation.

For the child who refuses to dress themselves, the parent might:

• Tell the child in advance what the plan is going to be so they know what to expect.

• Give them a “practice week” before setting the new limit, during which the child has lots of opportunities to practice putting their clothes on.

• Explain that when they dress themselves, it saves time so mom/dad can read a book before they leave for school.

• In the morning, use a visual timer so they can track how much time they have before leaving for school in case they decide they want to get dressed at some point.

For the child who will still be going to the activity they want to quit, the parent might:

• Acknowledge and show compassion for their discomfort with not being the best, making the most goals, etc. Explore and normalize these feelings that we all have to learn to cope with.

• Watch videos of prominent athletes struggling in a game or working to build their skills to show their child they are not alone—nobody’s perfect.

• Be clear that while whether or not to go to an activity is a parent decision, once there, it’s up to them (the child) to choose how/whether to participate. (Often, the more parents try to convince kids to join in, the less likely they are to do so.)

For the child who demands a breakfast option that’s not on the menu, the parent might:

• The night before, go over exactly what to expect for breakfast the next day.

• Be sure to include options the child typically likes (knowing that while just last week they loved oatmeal, they may proclaim it’s disgusting just a few days later.)

• When the child protests and threatens not to eat, acknowledge their displeasure and not try to get them to change their mind. (That’s just fodder for a fight.) Let them know that it’s their body and they get to choose which of the offerings and how much to eat. If they choose to partake, their bodies are likely to feel more comfortable than if they choose not to eat. But that’s up to them.

• Most importantly, tolerate their upset.

For the child who begs a parent to stay at a party/activity with them, when they are old enough and capable enough to go on their own, a parent might:

• Prepare them for what to expect. Acknowledge their protest/displeasure at your plan not to stay.

• Talk with them about their worry versus thinking brain. (See additional resources below)

• Help them think through what to expect at the activity and what coping tools they can use.

• Follow through with the plan to give their child a chance to see that they can survive and even thrive without mom or dad present—to build that secure attachment, increase their child’s confidence, and create an opportunity for the child to build stronger social skills.

See the Process in Action: A case from my new book, Big Reactors: Practical Strategies for Parenting Highly Sensitive Children

“Sawyer (5) cut the line for the slide at the playground. When I approached, to guide her to go back to her place, she started shouting at me that she didn’t cut. We got into this whole argument about whether or not she did something I witnessed with my own two eyes. She just dug in her heels deeper and deeper. It was insane. This kind of thing happens frequently—she’ll take her sister’s toy from her room and deny it. I don’t know what to do about this. Sometimes I worry I’m raising a sociopath!”

It’s important to see this behavior through the lens of development. Five-year-olds' moral reasoning is still heavily influenced by external consequences (e.g., avoiding punishment or pleasing adults) rather than an internal sense of morality. They lie to serve immediate needs, such as avoiding trouble or gaining attention. From a cognitive perspective, they don't fully grasp the broader social or relational impact of lying.⁠

They are not sociopaths.

In this case, Sawyer knows she did something wrong and likely feels shame about it, a very difficult emotion she is trying to deflect via denial, as a way to cope with with this conflict.⁠

What to do?⁠

The cases I choose to share in my blog are often those that reveal how conventional or popular parenting advice doesn’t work or even backfires for some kids, especially those that are highly sensitive, “big reactors.”

So many families who seek my consultation are frustrated and in despair when the strategies and approaches that profess to be the loving (“gentle”) and effective way to respond to a child in difficult moments don’t work for their child and family.  

Today’s case addresses what to do when a child is experiencing significant separation anxiety.

Lyndsey and Mark sought my consultation because they are concerned about the intense anxiety their daughter, Sasha (5), is experiencing when separated from them.

Lyndsey explained:

“Sasha (5) is a wonderful, bright, curious, deeply emotional and empathetic child with very big feelings and reactions since birth. Over the years, she’s learned to express and handle them pretty well. But, when she has a big fear/worry/concern/sadness, she gets really stuck in that feeling and has a hard time paying attention to anything else.

Her dad, Mark, and I divorced when Sasha was two-and-a-half. Our separation was amicable. We get along well and coparent collaboratively.  Even so, Sasha has struggled with deep feelings of sadness about missing us when she can’t be with us. It’s most intense at school.

Sasha generally enjoys school—learning and playing—and when we pick her up at the end of the day, she almost always says it was great. But every morning and evening she ruminates on how much she’s going to miss us when she’s back at school. She talks almost constantly about how sad she is when she’s at school and not with us. It has taken over; it feels like all our time is spent discussing her sadness and brainstorming ways to reduce it, leaving little space for connecting joyfully.

Sasha has been in therapy since she was four. We have done everything her therapist has suggested, which is all in sync with our parenting approach. We ask about, listen to and empathize with her feelings. We help her think of strategies to try when she is missing us and sad at school (play with friends, hug a teacher, etc.) We share our own feelings of missing her and how we think about her and feel connected with her throughout the day. We have given her trinkets from our workplaces that she can have with her at school. While she seems responsive to these strategies and eager to have these discussions, none of it has reduced her looping and preoccupation. Her distress is still really, really big and very consuming for her. We don’t see any significant change.”

Audio and video Lyndsey and Mark shared of conversations with Sasha reveal that they are calm, open listeners, ask lots of questions and show great interest in Sasha’s feelings. They spend a lot of time brainstorming strategies for what would make her feel better when they are separated. In some of these discussions, Sasha is very responsive and engaged in problem-solving. Other times she is fussy and irritable, refuting and rejecting all suggestions and strategies.

Of note is that in the recordings, a specific conflict for Sasha is revealed: When Lyndsey and Mark share that they also miss her when they are separated from her—intending to show love and empathy—it makes Sasha concerned that they are suffering too. She is worried about them missing her. But when they tell her that it’s okay, she doesn’t have to be worried about them—they are strong—she responds: “If you’re not worried when you’re not with me, it means you don’t love me.” It seems that she has confused love with worry—that if you’re not feeling sad or worried when separated from someone, it means you don’t love them.  

The Insights

It’s to be expected that a child will experience deep sadness and confusion about a parental separation. They need validation of and compassion for their feelings, and lots of opportunities to work through these emotions and to make sense of their experiences.

They also need security, stability and predictability—to know what to expect day-to-day: where they will be, who will be caring for them, etc.

And they need parents who communicate mutual respect and (ideally) warmth, who don’t “triangulate” the child—put them in the middle of a loyalty conflict. They don’t pit the child against the other, fight over the child or bad mouth each other (especially in front of them).

This is exactly how Lyndsey and Mark have handled the divorce, with incredible sensitivity and respect for each other and for Sasha.

What might help Sasha work through the separation anxiety?

After processing Lyndsey’s and Mark’s report and reviewing the audio/video, my strong sense is that, as counterintuitive as it might seem, it’s too much.

What seems loving and sensitive and “right” in theory—processing her feelings for long periods and brainstorming solutions—is actually not what Sasha needs or what will help her work through the separation anxiety. It’s intensifying her rumination—the “looping”—repetitively thinking about the same distressing thoughts without moving toward resolution. It’s keeping her stuck in the feelings in a way that isn’t healthy.

When I share this insight with Lyndsey and Mark, it resonates. Knowing Sasha as they do, they can see that the incessant discussion about her missing them is only exacerbating her distress, not alleviating it. They know that the goal is to help Sasha develop an internalized sense of security—that even though mom and dad live separately, she is close and connected to them, that they are still there for her even when they’re physically apart. Living in this constant state of stress is not healthy.  

Join LCD to read about my guidance and strategies that worked…

This case is an excerpt from my latest book, Big Rectors: Practical Strategies for Parenting Highly Sensitive Children

Olivia (5) is incredibly bright and passionate, and extremely sensitive. When her Kindergarten teacher teared-up at their graduation ceremony, Olivia got up in front of a packed room and gave the teacher a big hug, despite the fact that she typically avoids calling any attention to herself. Her empathy is that big.

Her parents, Anthony and Heather, report that Olivia overreacts to everything. They are especially concerned about her response when they have to correct or advise her. She accuses them of being mean and descends into self-flagellation. They tell her to pet the dog’s body, not pull his tail, and she responds: “You don’t think I can do anything right! You’re always yelling at me! I am so stupid!” and then pouts. (Note that her parents aren’t raising their voices in these situations. HSCs often interpret and react to a firm tone of voice as being mean or harsh.) When Anthony and Heather correct Olivia, explaining that the Olympic event they’re watching is called “breakdancing,” not “hip hop,” it’s the music that’s called “hip hop,” Olivia gets angry and tells them they don’t know anything. She shouts that the event is “hip hop” and runs out of the room. 

Then there was a recent incident at school that finally led Anthony and Heather to seek consultation. Olivia was sobbing at school pick-up. Through her tears, she told Heather that the teacher had not given her a goodie bag. This didn’t sound right to Heather. She reached out to the teacher who explained that Olivia and a friend were being very loud and disruptive to peers who were playing in the block area, so she directed them to move to the quiet corner to take a break.  The other child had no problem with this. Oliva, on the other hand, had a major meltdown. The school day ended soon thereafter. At their goodbye circle, the teacher was handing out goodie bags from a special event they had that day. Olivia was still so distressed that she didn’t accept her bag. She just ran out of the classroom.

Anthony and Heather are troubled by Olivia’s negative statements about herself and her total intolerance of being mistaken about anything. They are especially concerned about her lying. They feel like their hands are tied: isn’t it their job to guide her when she is doing something unacceptable or when she is wrong?  

This is an excerpt from my new book, Big Reactors: Practical Strategies for Parenting Highly Sensitive Children

Jenny and Thomas seek my guidance about their two-year-old, Uma, who falls apart whenever something happens in a way that she doesn’t like or expect: the puzzle is on the wrong shelf, they move a chair that was in Uma’s room to another place, or Thomas doesn’t sing the song he made up in exactly the way he did the night before. One of Uma’s biggest triggers is when her mom wears her hair up in a ponytail, bun or braid. ⁠She gets hysterical and demands that Jenny take it down immediately.

Jenny and Thomas are confused and very distressed by these reactions. They are also exhausted. Prior to starting our consultation, they had been racing to undo anything that made Uma uncomfortable. They moved the puzzle to the correct bookshelf. Thomas tried over and over to recreate the song exactly as Uma had recalled it (which was impossible and concluded with a 20-minute meltdown), and Jenny acquiesced to Uma's hairstyle demands and wore it down all the time. While they instinctively knew that constantly accommodating Uma’s demands wasn’t healthy, they just wanted Uma to be happy. They hoped and told themselves that she would grow out of it. But when it didn’t get better, they called for a consult.

It's important to add that Uma does great at and loves school. Her teachers report that they don’t see the inflexibility Jenny and Thomas are reporting and are surprised to hear about how differently she behaves at home. At school, she is very cooperative and content. (This is a very common phenomenon in the families I work with—a child being a “superstar” at school and a “terror” at home—which I address in depth in Chapter 7.)

When parents seek my consultation to address a challenge, the first and most important step for maximizing the chance that they will have success is getting clear on what is appropriate to expect from their child in the situation at hand; what is supportive and what is enabling. 

Sometimes ascertaining this is easy: Parents know their four-year-old can dress himself, even if he doesn’t want to, and so we make a plan for how they will help him take on this responsibility.

Other times it’s harder: Parents sign their six-year-old up for a new horseback riding camp which she is extremely excited about. But she says she can’t go without a friend, which is not happening. They struggle to decide whether to have her go, holding high expectations that she can adapt, or whether it is too much to expect for her to go on her own and thus, cancel the camp. 

Getting clear on expectations is so important because if they are too low, kids miss out on critical opportunities to overcome challenges, build resilience, and find joy in new activities or endeavors.

if they are too high, the delta between a parents' expectations of their child and their child's actual ability to meet those expectations is the space of total frustration for everyone involved.

In previous blogs, I have shared many cases that showed how kids muscled through “positive discomfort” to build skills, confidence and resilience when their parents assessed that, with support, they could meet a new expectation, master a new challenge.

In this blog, I share stories that show how parents amended their expectations in a way that was supportive, not "accommodating," caving, or enabling. 
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Cassandra and Ethan sought my help with how to support their son, Jack (7), who is a highly reactive and sensitive child. He has a low threshold for discomfort; when things don't go the way he wants or expects, he doesn't get something he wants, or he perceives too many demands are being made on him, he can get very dysregulated and sometimes explosive. He spews venom, provokes everyone in the house, and can get physical—hitting people (especially his older brother, Nick) and being destructive, such as throwing objects. 

When he is regulated, he is very high-functioning. He is calm and cooperative at school, which he loves. He participates in many extracurricular activities and thrives in them. (If you're wondering about masking, that's not our sense of what's going on with Jack. He is not constricted at school—holding it in just to survive. He is relaxed and joyful and fully engaged. If you're interested in learning more about "masking," check out "Is My Child Masking or Adapting?")

In a recent consult, Casandra and Ethan wanted to focus on two specific challenges:

1) How to handle the chaos they are experiencing when the kids get home from a long day at camp. Dinner is a disaster. Jack is very irritable; it's constant complaining and whining. And watch out if his brother sits in the chair he wanted; that can catapult Jack into next level madness. It's a nightmare for all. 

2) What to do when Jack wakes up on the wrong side of the bed; he is completely out of sorts and insists he isn't going to camp. (Note that he loves camp. When in a good mood, he excitedly shares all of his escapades there and the report from his counselors is very positive.) 

I was so happy to hear from my child's teacher that he was doing so great at school—cooperative, empathetic, a leader—even though I was totally confused by this. At home he is defiant, bosses us around, is mean to his brother all the time.

Then, I started reading that this is called "masking" and is a really bad thing and is harmful to kids—that they are faking it to conform, to be accepted—and not able to be their true selves. Now I don't know what to think or do about this.

Being much better behaved at school than at home is a very common phenomenon for the kids in my practice. Why does this happen?

Arthur and Hadley are distressed about the constant power struggles with their son, Ryder (7). They send me audio of a difficult encounter so I can hear exactly how these scenarios unfold and help them figure out what they can do differently. In this case, Ryder is insisting that he needs to go back downstairs after he is already in his room getting ready to read with Arthur before lights out. Ryder proclaims that he doesn’t want to read books. He wants to use his time to paint.

Arthur: "Ryder, we are not doing art now. We are getting ready for bed. There is no going back downstairs."

Ryder screams: "That's stupid. All you want me to do is read and read and read and read because you think it's educational. Well art is educational too. Haven't you ever heard of art class?"

Arthur: "It’s bedtime, which is reading time."

Ryder: "That doesn't make any sense! You never let me do anything I want to do. This is the worst day ever!"

Arthur: "That is not true, Ryder. You get to do so many things you want to do..." as Arthur proceeds to remind Ryder of many recent examples.

Arthur's repeated efforts to explain (defend) himself—to convince Ryder to see that his accusations are unfounded and that the limit is fair—is just fodder for Ryder to keep upping the ante. His retorts get more fierce and increasingly irrational: "You care more about Lilah (his younger sister) than me! She gets to do art whenever she wants! You are so mean to me. I don't even think you love me!" This goes on for over 20 minutes, with Arthur playing defense, countering every accusation and negotiation point. He is completely worn down and ends up letting Ryder do art for an extra 30 minutes before lights-out. After we process this experience, Arthur makes the following course corrections:

When children boss other kids around, say hurtful things, exclude peers, and act in other unkind ways, they are not acting mean on purpose. By and large, these kids are struggling with difficult feelings of insecurity/self-doubt and anxiety. Read on to learn about how to help your child manage their difficult and complex feelings to enable them to act towards others with kindness.

Elizabeth is a single mom by choice. She had yearned for a child for a very long time and had to go through many procedures to have Mireille (5), the HSCs featured in the introduction to this chapter. Elizabeth had spent a lot of time fantasizing about the close bond they would have—being on their own, together—and how happy she would make her child. But now Elizabeth finds herself totally exhausted. She feels suffocated by Mireille whose needs seem to be endless. “If I try to gather a moment of space to regulate myself, which sometimes I need to do to avoid becoming punitive or yelling, it intensifies her distress. She will follow me and come into my physical space. I can feel how desperate she is for my comfort, which I’m absolutely willing to give her, just once I’ve calmed myself down.” Mireille also ruminates. When Elizabeth says they can’t go to the playground because it’s raining, Mireille will whine and mope, talk incessantly about how much she’s missing the swings…for hours. She will get a tiny scratch and nurse and complain about it for the entire day.

Mireille protests every limit Elizabeth tries to set, such as no screens during mealtimes and not snacking all day. Elizabeth finds herself often caving on these limits even though she knows this isn’t good for Mireille. They’re late to school every day which is becoming a problem. The teacher reports that Mireille is calmer and more engaged when she arrives on time. Joining the class late is dysregulating. She’s out-of-sorts on those days.

Mireille’s meltdowns are so epic that Elizabeth worries she’s too fragile to tolerate not getting what she wants. She’s afraid that Mireille’s anger in these moments will taint the strong, connected relationship she’s trying to build with Mireille—her number one priority. Further, Elizabeth can’t tolerate seeing Mireille in distress as she (mistakenly) equates it with being unhappy. She focuses all her energy on rescuing Mireille from any discomfort. She hopes that constantly filling Mireille’s cup will make her feel safe, secure and loved, and make her a happy and content child.

By the time Elizabeth comes to see me, she’s beginning to see that this approach isn’t making Mireille more content. In fact, she’s becoming more demanding and the stress in their relationship is growing—the exact opposite of the connection she’s trying to forge with Mireille. That’s how she knew it was time to seek help. Through our work, Elizabeth gained the following insights:

• Mireille is actually a very competent child who is quite resilient. At school and with other adults, she is able to manage disappointment and frustration and regulate her big emotions.

• This demand for constant connection may be what Mireille wants, but this kind of unhealthy attachment is not what she needs. ⁠It’s also not healthy for Elizabeth to feel suffocated by Mireille—to have no personal space, to feel like Mireille is trying to control her, and that she’s feeling AT Elizabeth. This is not enabling her to be the mom she wants to be for Mireille.

• Mireille may want to be in charge, but that’s also something that’s not good for her or what she needs. This dynamic has resulted in unhealthy outcomes for Mireille, like getting to school late, too much screen time and too many sweets. She and Mireille are also locked in protracted power struggles which is causing Elizabeth great despair and worry.

• The lack of limits is what is causing so much stress in the family and is the biggest obstacle to solidifying the close, trusting relationship Elizabeth so badly wants with Mireille.

With this change in mindset, Elizabeth makes the following changes:

"Nico (6) is constantly extorting us. He'll come to the dinner table but only if we make him the foods he demands: chicken nuggets, pizza, pasta. We have a great time playing ball outside. When I say it's time to stop and get ready for bed, he says he'll do it only if I agree to let him have more video game time. It's like we owe him something when we set any kind of limit or say no to something. He's going to take his pound of flesh."

This is a common phenomenon in families with kids who are fierce about being in control and can be demand-avoidant. It is sometimes called "equalizing"—the need to level the playing field by getting something in return.

As I try to help parents figure out how best to handle this—to provide what their children need, not necessarily what they want (when what they want is not good for them)—I think about how to give these kids a sense of control in a healthy way that moves them toward adaptation in the real world.

This is the general approach that I find is most helpful for these families

Here are the key mindshifts that are also guiding principles for my work with families, that are key to helping parents be the calm, loving, connected moms and dads they want to be while also setting the limits and boundaries kids need to thrive.