Separation Anxiety: The Surprising Strategy That Relieves Stress

The cases I choose to share in my blog are often those that reveal how conventional or popular parenting advice doesn’t work or even backfires for some kids, especially those that are highly sensitive, “big reactors.”

So many families who seek my consultation are frustrated and in despair when the strategies and approaches that profess to be the loving (“gentle”) and effective way to respond to a child in difficult moments don’t work for their child and family.  

Today’s case addresses what to do when a child is experiencing significant separation anxiety.

Lyndsey and Mark sought my consultation because they are concerned about the intense anxiety their daughter, Sasha (5), is experiencing when separated from them.

Lyndsey explained:

“Sasha (5) is a wonderful, bright, curious, deeply emotional and empathetic child with very big feelings and reactions since birth. Over the years, she’s learned to express and handle them pretty well. But, when she has a big fear/worry/concern/sadness, she gets really stuck in that feeling and has a hard time paying attention to anything else.

Her dad, Mark, and I divorced when Sasha was two-and-a-half. Our separation was amicable. We get along well and coparent collaboratively.  Even so, Sasha has struggled with deep feelings of sadness about missing us when she can’t be with us. It’s most intense at school.

Sasha generally enjoys school—learning and playing—and when we pick her up at the end of the day, she almost always says it was great. But every morning and evening she ruminates on how much she’s going to miss us when she’s back at school. She talks almost constantly about how sad she is when she’s at school and not with us. It has taken over; it feels like all our time is spent discussing her sadness and brainstorming ways to reduce it, leaving little space for connecting joyfully.

Sasha has been in therapy since she was four. We have done everything her therapist has suggested, which is all in sync with our parenting approach. We ask about, listen to and empathize with her feelings. We help her think of strategies to try when she is missing us and sad at school (play with friends, hug a teacher, etc.) We share our own feelings of missing her and how we think about her and feel connected with her throughout the day. We have given her trinkets from our workplaces that she can have with her at school. While she seems responsive to these strategies and eager to have these discussions, none of it has reduced her looping and preoccupation. Her distress is still really, really big and very consuming for her. We don’t see any significant change.”

Audio and video Lyndsey and Mark shared of conversations with Sasha reveal that they are calm, open listeners, ask lots of questions and show great interest in Sasha’s feelings. They spend a lot of time brainstorming strategies for what would make her feel better when they are separated. In some of these discussions, Sasha is very responsive and engaged in problem-solving. Other times she is fussy and irritable, refuting and rejecting all suggestions and strategies.

Of note is that in the recordings, a specific conflict for Sasha is revealed: When Lyndsey and Mark share that they also miss her when they are separated from her—intending to show love and empathy—it makes Sasha concerned that they are suffering too. She is worried about them missing her. But when they tell her that it’s okay, she doesn’t have to be worried about them—they are strong—she responds: “If you’re not worried when you’re not with me, it means you don’t love me.” It seems that she has confused love with worry—that if you’re not feeling sad or worried when separated from someone, it means you don’t love them.  

The Insights

It’s to be expected that a child will experience deep sadness and confusion about a parental separation. They need validation of and compassion for their feelings, and lots of opportunities to work through these emotions and to make sense of their experiences.

They also need security, stability and predictability—to know what to expect day-to-day: where they will be, who will be caring for them, etc.

And they need parents who communicate mutual respect and (ideally) warmth, who don’t “triangulate” the child—put them in the middle of a loyalty conflict. They don’t pit the child against the other, fight over the child or bad mouth each other (especially in front of them).

This is exactly how Lyndsey and Mark have handled the divorce, with incredible sensitivity and respect for each other and for Sasha.

What might help Sasha work through the separation anxiety?

After processing Lyndsey’s and Mark’s report and reviewing the audio/video, my strong sense is that, as counterintuitive as it might seem, it’s too much.

What seems loving and sensitive and “right” in theory—processing her feelings for long periods and brainstorming solutions—is actually not what Sasha needs or what will help her work through the separation anxiety. It’s intensifying her rumination—the “looping”—repetitively thinking about the same distressing thoughts without moving toward resolution. It’s keeping her stuck in the feelings in a way that isn’t healthy.

When I share this insight with Lyndsey and Mark, it resonates. Knowing Sasha as they do, they can see that the incessant discussion about her missing them is only exacerbating her distress, not alleviating it. They know that the goal is to help Sasha develop an internalized sense of security—that even though mom and dad live separately, she is close and connected to them, that they are still there for her even when they’re physically apart. Living in this constant state of stress is not healthy.  

The Guidance

Given this assessment, my guidance to Lyndsey and Mark was to:

• Make a book that tells the story of their family using photos. It starts with Lyndsey and Mark meeting, getting married—their life together before they had Sasha. Then Sasha’s birth, their time together as a family, and their lives now—times they spend together and separately with Sasha. The purpose of this is to recognize and honor their family’s journey—to celebrate their times together while acknowledging all the changes.

• Make a poster with Sasha that lists her big feelings and the tools she has to cope with them. They take photos of her using the different tools/strategies that she can access when she’s feeling sad or worried. This serves as a visual for ways she can get calm and remind herself that mommy and daddy are always there for her, even though they’re not together in the same house.  

• Clarify for Sasha that when they are apart from her, they think about her and can’t wait to hear all about her day and to be together again, but they are not sad, worried, or suffering. They are doing important grown up things that they really enjoy and she is doing really important kid things that are helping her mind and body grow. They explain that it was a mistake for them to connect love with worry. You can be separated and feel safe and secure inside.

• No longer partner in her perseveration; Lyndsey and Mark acknowledge her feelings and then let her feel them. They don’t try to make it all better, apologize, or spend long periods of time brainstorming how she can handle them. Those responses historically resulted in more rumination and stress for Sasha. They remind her of her list of tools that she can refer to and use any time. Then they help her move on by engaging in a fun activity.

The overall goal of this approach is to help Sasha experience that connection and care is—playing, sharing meals, exploring, going on adventures, cuddling, and reading together—not based on worry and sadness. That they can all be going through a big change and still have a lot of shared joy.

 The Outcome

This is the email I received from Lyndsey about two weeks later:

“We followed your advice and radically changed our approach with her. Instead of going down rabbit holes trying to help her manage her emotions, we respond empathetically but more dispassionately and tell her we trust her to be okay at school. We also had the "story of her life" and "mistaking missing for caring" conversations (she loved that one and wanted tons of examples of when we had mistaken one thing for something else). We've also changed our custody schedule to a 2/2/3 for longer stretches at each house. (They had been alternating weeks previously which we all agreed was too much time apart from each parent.)

The first week, we had some bright moments followed by some hard moments when she returned to school after missing a few days for a trip. This last week, things seem to have shifted. She may mention once or twice that she misses the other parent or that she will miss us at school, and then she basically drops it; she doesn't loop. 

In the last few days, she has started telling us all the reasons school WILL be okay. She'll say things like, ‘I might miss my parents at school, but it's kind of good because that's where I get to spend time with my friends, and I don't do that at home.’ Or, instead of saying she's worried, she'll say, ‘I think I'll be okay today because so and so will be there.’

Sasha and I went to the park and rode bikes together after school yesterday, then came home and had a big dance party. This was the first day in what felt like months where the bulk of our time was spent enjoying each other's company and not managing emotions. All this is to say: thank you! This has been a tremendous help and relief for us all.” 

Conclusion

As always, I offer these cases not as panaceas or solutions that will work for all kids and families all of the time. There is no one approach that is one-size-fits-all.

I offer these stories and the insights gained from working through them to show that to come up with the most loving, sensitive, effective solutions, we need to tune into the unique characteristics and context of the child and family.

If you are struggling to figure out how best to support your child in managing their big feelings and reactions, I offer a free 15-minute informational call to help you decide if doing a 1:1 consult might be helpful for you and your family.