When I’m working with a family to solve their childrearing challenge(s), I guide parents through a process that helps us come up with sensitive effective strategies that empower them to be the loving, connected mom/dad they want to be while setting the clear limits and boundaries that help their kids:

• learn to manage their big feelings and self-regulate; to be flexible when things don’t happen the way they want or expect

• get through daily tasks and transitions without power struggles

• adapt to new situations and challenges

• rise to age-appropriate expectations

My goal is for parents to be able to internalize this process and use it to solve the myriad challenges that arise as part of parenting.

My ultimate goal is for parents to internalize this process so they can apply it to solve the myriad challenges that arise as part of parenting.

I hope this process will be helpful to you, too.

1.   Be sure the expectation is age- and situation- appropriate. For example: having a 3 yo bring their dishes to the sink after a meal; a 4 yo dressing themselves; a 5 yo being dropped off at an activity without their parent staying.

Establishing accurate expectations is critical because when they are too high, kids and parents are set up for failure; for example, expecting a 3 yo to sit quietly for an hour in church; a 4 yo to manage transitions without advance notice; or, a slow-to-warm 5 yo to run happily into a new Kindergarten class without hesitation.

If the expectation is too low, we are enabling kids, not helping them develop the skills that build confidence and self-esteem. For example, letting a 4 yo be in diapers during the day because they prefer them to using the toilet; or letting a 7 yo quit a fortifying activity they typically enjoy because they can’t tolerate not always being first or the best.  

 Keep in mind that when establishing expectations, context matters. Your 5 yo might be fully capable of hanging their backpack up and emptying their lunch box, but not the second they arrive home from school because they are fried after a long day. In this situation, an appropriate expectation might be to give them time to chill and refuel with a snack, snuggles, playtime, or screen time for, say, 30 minutes, before expecting them to do these jobs.

2.    Identify the root cause of the problem. This helps us come up with the most sensitive and effective strategies because we are addressing the underlying issue at play, not just the behavior.

• A 4 yo who insists on wearing diapers is struggling with still wanting to be a baby, especially if there is a new brother/sister in the family. They demand their parents do things for them that they are perfectly capable of doing themselves because they have associated this kind of caregiving with love and attention.

• A child who avoids situations that involve competition struggles with fear of failure and is quick to shame.

• A child who is inflexible and makes irrational demands feels overwhelmed on the inside so tries to control everything on the outside, as a coping mechanism.

• A child who demands her parent stay at a birthday party or activity when it’s supposed to be a drop-off event is struggling with separation anxiety. She doesn’t feel safe unless a parent is present.

3.    Ascertain what the child needs versus what they want.

• A child might want a parent to do their age-appropriate, self-care tasks for them. What they need is the chance to experience that they are competent and capable, and to see that loving and caring can and will happen, even when they take on bigger kid responsibilities.

• A child may want to quit a team to avoid the discomfort of not always being the best. What they need is the chance to muscle through so they can experience their ability to enjoy being part of a team and learn to tolerate imperfection.

• A child might want to bend the world to their will—to always feel in control. What they need is to learn to manage when they can’t have what they want exactly the way they want or expect—to build the flexibility and resilience necessary to get along well in the world.

• A child might want to cling to their parent at a birthday party of activity, and not let them leave. (But is fine being dropped off at activities when it’s the nanny or grandparent who takes them!) What they need is to see that they can feel safe and enjoy the activity with their friends, without their parents’ presence. (A sign of secure attachment.)

4.   Identify what is in the parents’ control to help their child move through a difficult situation, to effect change, that doesn’t rely on the child’s cooperation. Aka, not trying to change the child, but changing the situation.

Instead of bribing, rewarding, threatening, cajoling, nagging, or trying to convince their child to do the thing, a parent might:

• No longer dress a child who can do this task themselves and let them go to school in what they’re wearing when it’s time to leave. They pack a set of clothes in their child’s school bag so they can change whenever they choose.

• Tell their child that going to the activity they’re avoiding is a “have-to”—that’s a mommy/daddy decision, not a kid decision.

• Not changing the breakfast menu, even when their child demands a different option.

• Not stay with their child at the birthday party or activity. (Of course, leaving them in good hands with the caregiver in charge.)

5.   Establish ways parents can support their children; what tools will help them manage the difficult situation or new limit/expectation.

For the child who refuses to dress themselves, the parent might:

• Tell the child in advance what the plan is going to be so they know what to expect.

• Give them a “practice week” before setting the new limit, during which the child has lots of opportunities to practice putting their clothes on.

• Explain that when they dress themselves, it saves time so mom/dad can read a book before they leave for school.

• In the morning, use a visual timer so they can track how much time they have before leaving for school in case they decide they want to get dressed at some point.

For the child who will still be going to the activity they want to quit, the parent might:

• Acknowledge and show compassion for their discomfort with not being the best, making the most goals, etc. Explore and normalize these feelings that we all have to learn to cope with.

• Watch videos of prominent athletes struggling in a game or working to build their skills to show their child they are not alone—nobody’s perfect.

• Be clear that while whether or not to go to an activity is a parent decision, once there, it’s up to them (the child) to choose how/whether to participate. (Often, the more parents try to convince kids to join in, the less likely they are to do so.)

For the child who demands a breakfast option that’s not on the menu, the parent might:

• The night before, go over exactly what to expect for breakfast the next day.

• Be sure to include options the child typically likes (knowing that while just last week they loved oatmeal, they may proclaim it’s disgusting just a few days later.)

• When the child protests and threatens not to eat, acknowledge their displeasure and not try to get them to change their mind. (That’s just fodder for a fight.) Let them know that it’s their body and they get to choose which of the offerings and how much to eat. If they choose to partake, their bodies are likely to feel more comfortable than if they choose not to eat. But that’s up to them.

• Most importantly, tolerate their upset.

For the child who begs a parent to stay at a party/activity with them, when they are old enough and capable enough to go on their own, a parent might:

• Prepare them for what to expect. Acknowledge their protest/displeasure at your plan not to stay.

• Talk with them about their worry versus thinking brain. (See additional resources below)

• Help them think through what to expect at the activity and what coping tools they can use.

• Follow through with the plan to give their child a chance to see that they can survive and even thrive without mom or dad present—to build that secure attachment, increase their child’s confidence, and create an opportunity for the child to build stronger social skills.

See the Process in Action: A case from my new book, Big Reactors: Practical Strategies for Parenting Highly Sensitive Children

The cases I choose to share in my blog are often those that reveal how conventional or popular parenting advice doesn’t work or even backfires for some kids, especially those that are highly sensitive, “big reactors.”

So many families who seek my consultation are frustrated and in despair when the strategies and approaches that profess to be the loving (“gentle”) and effective way to respond to a child in difficult moments don’t work for their child and family.  

Today’s case addresses what to do when a child is experiencing significant separation anxiety.

Lyndsey and Mark sought my consultation because they are concerned about the intense anxiety their daughter, Sasha (5), is experiencing when separated from them.

Lyndsey explained:

“Sasha (5) is a wonderful, bright, curious, deeply emotional and empathetic child with very big feelings and reactions since birth. Over the years, she’s learned to express and handle them pretty well. But, when she has a big fear/worry/concern/sadness, she gets really stuck in that feeling and has a hard time paying attention to anything else.

Her dad, Mark, and I divorced when Sasha was two-and-a-half. Our separation was amicable. We get along well and coparent collaboratively.  Even so, Sasha has struggled with deep feelings of sadness about missing us when she can’t be with us. It’s most intense at school.

Sasha generally enjoys school—learning and playing—and when we pick her up at the end of the day, she almost always says it was great. But every morning and evening she ruminates on how much she’s going to miss us when she’s back at school. She talks almost constantly about how sad she is when she’s at school and not with us. It has taken over; it feels like all our time is spent discussing her sadness and brainstorming ways to reduce it, leaving little space for connecting joyfully.

Sasha has been in therapy since she was four. We have done everything her therapist has suggested, which is all in sync with our parenting approach. We ask about, listen to and empathize with her feelings. We help her think of strategies to try when she is missing us and sad at school (play with friends, hug a teacher, etc.) We share our own feelings of missing her and how we think about her and feel connected with her throughout the day. We have given her trinkets from our workplaces that she can have with her at school. While she seems responsive to these strategies and eager to have these discussions, none of it has reduced her looping and preoccupation. Her distress is still really, really big and very consuming for her. We don’t see any significant change.”

Audio and video Lyndsey and Mark shared of conversations with Sasha reveal that they are calm, open listeners, ask lots of questions and show great interest in Sasha’s feelings. They spend a lot of time brainstorming strategies for what would make her feel better when they are separated. In some of these discussions, Sasha is very responsive and engaged in problem-solving. Other times she is fussy and irritable, refuting and rejecting all suggestions and strategies.

Of note is that in the recordings, a specific conflict for Sasha is revealed: When Lyndsey and Mark share that they also miss her when they are separated from her—intending to show love and empathy—it makes Sasha concerned that they are suffering too. She is worried about them missing her. But when they tell her that it’s okay, she doesn’t have to be worried about them—they are strong—she responds: “If you’re not worried when you’re not with me, it means you don’t love me.” It seems that she has confused love with worry—that if you’re not feeling sad or worried when separated from someone, it means you don’t love them.  

The Insights

It’s to be expected that a child will experience deep sadness and confusion about a parental separation. They need validation of and compassion for their feelings, and lots of opportunities to work through these emotions and to make sense of their experiences.

They also need security, stability and predictability—to know what to expect day-to-day: where they will be, who will be caring for them, etc.

And they need parents who communicate mutual respect and (ideally) warmth, who don’t “triangulate” the child—put them in the middle of a loyalty conflict. They don’t pit the child against the other, fight over the child or bad mouth each other (especially in front of them).

This is exactly how Lyndsey and Mark have handled the divorce, with incredible sensitivity and respect for each other and for Sasha.

What might help Sasha work through the separation anxiety?

After processing Lyndsey’s and Mark’s report and reviewing the audio/video, my strong sense is that, as counterintuitive as it might seem, it’s too much.

What seems loving and sensitive and “right” in theory—processing her feelings for long periods and brainstorming solutions—is actually not what Sasha needs or what will help her work through the separation anxiety. It’s intensifying her rumination—the “looping”—repetitively thinking about the same distressing thoughts without moving toward resolution. It’s keeping her stuck in the feelings in a way that isn’t healthy.

When I share this insight with Lyndsey and Mark, it resonates. Knowing Sasha as they do, they can see that the incessant discussion about her missing them is only exacerbating her distress, not alleviating it. They know that the goal is to help Sasha develop an internalized sense of security—that even though mom and dad live separately, she is close and connected to them, that they are still there for her even when they’re physically apart. Living in this constant state of stress is not healthy.  

Join LCD to read about my guidance and strategies that worked…

This case is an excerpt from my latest book, Big Rectors: Practical Strategies for Parenting Highly Sensitive Children

Olivia (5) is incredibly bright and passionate, and extremely sensitive. When her Kindergarten teacher teared-up at their graduation ceremony, Olivia got up in front of a packed room and gave the teacher a big hug, despite the fact that she typically avoids calling any attention to herself. Her empathy is that big.

Her parents, Anthony and Heather, report that Olivia overreacts to everything. They are especially concerned about her response when they have to correct or advise her. She accuses them of being mean and descends into self-flagellation. They tell her to pet the dog’s body, not pull his tail, and she responds: “You don’t think I can do anything right! You’re always yelling at me! I am so stupid!” and then pouts. (Note that her parents aren’t raising their voices in these situations. HSCs often interpret and react to a firm tone of voice as being mean or harsh.) When Anthony and Heather correct Olivia, explaining that the Olympic event they’re watching is called “breakdancing,” not “hip hop,” it’s the music that’s called “hip hop,” Olivia gets angry and tells them they don’t know anything. She shouts that the event is “hip hop” and runs out of the room. 

Then there was a recent incident at school that finally led Anthony and Heather to seek consultation. Olivia was sobbing at school pick-up. Through her tears, she told Heather that the teacher had not given her a goodie bag. This didn’t sound right to Heather. She reached out to the teacher who explained that Olivia and a friend were being very loud and disruptive to peers who were playing in the block area, so she directed them to move to the quiet corner to take a break.  The other child had no problem with this. Oliva, on the other hand, had a major meltdown. The school day ended soon thereafter. At their goodbye circle, the teacher was handing out goodie bags from a special event they had that day. Olivia was still so distressed that she didn’t accept her bag. She just ran out of the classroom.

Anthony and Heather are troubled by Olivia’s negative statements about herself and her total intolerance of being mistaken about anything. They are especially concerned about her lying. They feel like their hands are tied: isn’t it their job to guide her when she is doing something unacceptable or when she is wrong?  

Elizabeth is a single mom by choice. She had yearned for a child for a very long time and had to go through many procedures to have Mireille (5), the HSCs featured in the introduction to this chapter. Elizabeth had spent a lot of time fantasizing about the close bond they would have—being on their own, together—and how happy she would make her child. But now Elizabeth finds herself totally exhausted. She feels suffocated by Mireille whose needs seem to be endless. “If I try to gather a moment of space to regulate myself, which sometimes I need to do to avoid becoming punitive or yelling, it intensifies her distress. She will follow me and come into my physical space. I can feel how desperate she is for my comfort, which I’m absolutely willing to give her, just once I’ve calmed myself down.” Mireille also ruminates. When Elizabeth says they can’t go to the playground because it’s raining, Mireille will whine and mope, talk incessantly about how much she’s missing the swings…for hours. She will get a tiny scratch and nurse and complain about it for the entire day.

Mireille protests every limit Elizabeth tries to set, such as no screens during mealtimes and not snacking all day. Elizabeth finds herself often caving on these limits even though she knows this isn’t good for Mireille. They’re late to school every day which is becoming a problem. The teacher reports that Mireille is calmer and more engaged when she arrives on time. Joining the class late is dysregulating. She’s out-of-sorts on those days.

Mireille’s meltdowns are so epic that Elizabeth worries she’s too fragile to tolerate not getting what she wants. She’s afraid that Mireille’s anger in these moments will taint the strong, connected relationship she’s trying to build with Mireille—her number one priority. Further, Elizabeth can’t tolerate seeing Mireille in distress as she (mistakenly) equates it with being unhappy. She focuses all her energy on rescuing Mireille from any discomfort. She hopes that constantly filling Mireille’s cup will make her feel safe, secure and loved, and make her a happy and content child.

By the time Elizabeth comes to see me, she’s beginning to see that this approach isn’t making Mireille more content. In fact, she’s becoming more demanding and the stress in their relationship is growing—the exact opposite of the connection she’s trying to forge with Mireille. That’s how she knew it was time to seek help. Through our work, Elizabeth gained the following insights:

• Mireille is actually a very competent child who is quite resilient. At school and with other adults, she is able to manage disappointment and frustration and regulate her big emotions.

• This demand for constant connection may be what Mireille wants, but this kind of unhealthy attachment is not what she needs. ⁠It’s also not healthy for Elizabeth to feel suffocated by Mireille—to have no personal space, to feel like Mireille is trying to control her, and that she’s feeling AT Elizabeth. This is not enabling her to be the mom she wants to be for Mireille.

• Mireille may want to be in charge, but that’s also something that’s not good for her or what she needs. This dynamic has resulted in unhealthy outcomes for Mireille, like getting to school late, too much screen time and too many sweets. She and Mireille are also locked in protracted power struggles which is causing Elizabeth great despair and worry.

• The lack of limits is what is causing so much stress in the family and is the biggest obstacle to solidifying the close, trusting relationship Elizabeth so badly wants with Mireille.

With this change in mindset, Elizabeth makes the following changes: