When I’m working with a family to solve their childrearing challenge(s), I guide parents through a process that helps us come up with sensitive effective strategies that empower them to be the loving, connected mom/dad they want to be while setting the clear limits and boundaries that help their kids:

• learn to manage their big feelings and self-regulate; to be flexible when things don’t happen the way they want or expect

• get through daily tasks and transitions without power struggles

• adapt to new situations and challenges

• rise to age-appropriate expectations

My goal is for parents to be able to internalize this process and use it to solve the myriad challenges that arise as part of parenting.

My ultimate goal is for parents to internalize this process so they can apply it to solve the myriad challenges that arise as part of parenting.

I hope this process will be helpful to you, too.

1.   Be sure the expectation is age- and situation- appropriate. For example: having a 3 yo bring their dishes to the sink after a meal; a 4 yo dressing themselves; a 5 yo being dropped off at an activity without their parent staying.

Establishing accurate expectations is critical because when they are too high, kids and parents are set up for failure; for example, expecting a 3 yo to sit quietly for an hour in church; a 4 yo to manage transitions without advance notice; or, a slow-to-warm 5 yo to run happily into a new Kindergarten class without hesitation.

If the expectation is too low, we are enabling kids, not helping them develop the skills that build confidence and self-esteem. For example, letting a 4 yo be in diapers during the day because they prefer them to using the toilet; or letting a 7 yo quit a fortifying activity they typically enjoy because they can’t tolerate not always being first or the best.  

 Keep in mind that when establishing expectations, context matters. Your 5 yo might be fully capable of hanging their backpack up and emptying their lunch box, but not the second they arrive home from school because they are fried after a long day. In this situation, an appropriate expectation might be to give them time to chill and refuel with a snack, snuggles, playtime, or screen time for, say, 30 minutes, before expecting them to do these jobs.

2.    Identify the root cause of the problem. This helps us come up with the most sensitive and effective strategies because we are addressing the underlying issue at play, not just the behavior.

• A 4 yo who insists on wearing diapers is struggling with still wanting to be a baby, especially if there is a new brother/sister in the family. They demand their parents do things for them that they are perfectly capable of doing themselves because they have associated this kind of caregiving with love and attention.

• A child who avoids situations that involve competition struggles with fear of failure and is quick to shame.

• A child who is inflexible and makes irrational demands feels overwhelmed on the inside so tries to control everything on the outside, as a coping mechanism.

• A child who demands her parent stay at a birthday party or activity when it’s supposed to be a drop-off event is struggling with separation anxiety. She doesn’t feel safe unless a parent is present.

3.    Ascertain what the child needs versus what they want.

• A child might want a parent to do their age-appropriate, self-care tasks for them. What they need is the chance to experience that they are competent and capable, and to see that loving and caring can and will happen, even when they take on bigger kid responsibilities.

• A child may want to quit a team to avoid the discomfort of not always being the best. What they need is the chance to muscle through so they can experience their ability to enjoy being part of a team and learn to tolerate imperfection.

• A child might want to bend the world to their will—to always feel in control. What they need is to learn to manage when they can’t have what they want exactly the way they want or expect—to build the flexibility and resilience necessary to get along well in the world.

• A child might want to cling to their parent at a birthday party of activity, and not let them leave. (But is fine being dropped off at activities when it’s the nanny or grandparent who takes them!) What they need is to see that they can feel safe and enjoy the activity with their friends, without their parents’ presence. (A sign of secure attachment.)

4.   Identify what is in the parents’ control to help their child move through a difficult situation, to effect change, that doesn’t rely on the child’s cooperation. Aka, not trying to change the child, but changing the situation.

Instead of bribing, rewarding, threatening, cajoling, nagging, or trying to convince their child to do the thing, a parent might:

• No longer dress a child who can do this task themselves and let them go to school in what they’re wearing when it’s time to leave. They pack a set of clothes in their child’s school bag so they can change whenever they choose.

• Tell their child that going to the activity they’re avoiding is a “have-to”—that’s a mommy/daddy decision, not a kid decision.

• Not changing the breakfast menu, even when their child demands a different option.

• Not stay with their child at the birthday party or activity. (Of course, leaving them in good hands with the caregiver in charge.)

5.   Establish ways parents can support their children; what tools will help them manage the difficult situation or new limit/expectation.

For the child who refuses to dress themselves, the parent might:

• Tell the child in advance what the plan is going to be so they know what to expect.

• Give them a “practice week” before setting the new limit, during which the child has lots of opportunities to practice putting their clothes on.

• Explain that when they dress themselves, it saves time so mom/dad can read a book before they leave for school.

• In the morning, use a visual timer so they can track how much time they have before leaving for school in case they decide they want to get dressed at some point.

For the child who will still be going to the activity they want to quit, the parent might:

• Acknowledge and show compassion for their discomfort with not being the best, making the most goals, etc. Explore and normalize these feelings that we all have to learn to cope with.

• Watch videos of prominent athletes struggling in a game or working to build their skills to show their child they are not alone—nobody’s perfect.

• Be clear that while whether or not to go to an activity is a parent decision, once there, it’s up to them (the child) to choose how/whether to participate. (Often, the more parents try to convince kids to join in, the less likely they are to do so.)

For the child who demands a breakfast option that’s not on the menu, the parent might:

• The night before, go over exactly what to expect for breakfast the next day.

• Be sure to include options the child typically likes (knowing that while just last week they loved oatmeal, they may proclaim it’s disgusting just a few days later.)

• When the child protests and threatens not to eat, acknowledge their displeasure and not try to get them to change their mind. (That’s just fodder for a fight.) Let them know that it’s their body and they get to choose which of the offerings and how much to eat. If they choose to partake, their bodies are likely to feel more comfortable than if they choose not to eat. But that’s up to them.

• Most importantly, tolerate their upset.

For the child who begs a parent to stay at a party/activity with them, when they are old enough and capable enough to go on their own, a parent might:

• Prepare them for what to expect. Acknowledge their protest/displeasure at your plan not to stay.

• Talk with them about their worry versus thinking brain. (See additional resources below)

• Help them think through what to expect at the activity and what coping tools they can use.

• Follow through with the plan to give their child a chance to see that they can survive and even thrive without mom or dad present—to build that secure attachment, increase their child’s confidence, and create an opportunity for the child to build stronger social skills.

See the Process in Action: A case from my new book, Big Reactors: Practical Strategies for Parenting Highly Sensitive Children

“Sawyer (5) cut the line for the slide at the playground. When I approached, to guide her to go back to her place, she started shouting at me that she didn’t cut. We got into this whole argument about whether or not she did something I witnessed with my own two eyes. She just dug in her heels deeper and deeper. It was insane. This kind of thing happens frequently—she’ll take her sister’s toy from her room and deny it. I don’t know what to do about this. Sometimes I worry I’m raising a sociopath!”

It’s important to see this behavior through the lens of development. Five-year-olds' moral reasoning is still heavily influenced by external consequences (e.g., avoiding punishment or pleasing adults) rather than an internal sense of morality. They lie to serve immediate needs, such as avoiding trouble or gaining attention. From a cognitive perspective, they don't fully grasp the broader social or relational impact of lying.⁠

They are not sociopaths.

In this case, Sawyer knows she did something wrong and likely feels shame about it, a very difficult emotion she is trying to deflect via denial, as a way to cope with with this conflict.⁠

What to do?⁠

The cases I choose to share in my blog are often those that reveal how conventional or popular parenting advice doesn’t work or even backfires for some kids, especially those that are highly sensitive, “big reactors.”

So many families who seek my consultation are frustrated and in despair when the strategies and approaches that profess to be the loving (“gentle”) and effective way to respond to a child in difficult moments don’t work for their child and family.  

Today’s case addresses what to do when a child is experiencing significant separation anxiety.

Lyndsey and Mark sought my consultation because they are concerned about the intense anxiety their daughter, Sasha (5), is experiencing when separated from them.

Lyndsey explained:

“Sasha (5) is a wonderful, bright, curious, deeply emotional and empathetic child with very big feelings and reactions since birth. Over the years, she’s learned to express and handle them pretty well. But, when she has a big fear/worry/concern/sadness, she gets really stuck in that feeling and has a hard time paying attention to anything else.

Her dad, Mark, and I divorced when Sasha was two-and-a-half. Our separation was amicable. We get along well and coparent collaboratively.  Even so, Sasha has struggled with deep feelings of sadness about missing us when she can’t be with us. It’s most intense at school.

Sasha generally enjoys school—learning and playing—and when we pick her up at the end of the day, she almost always says it was great. But every morning and evening she ruminates on how much she’s going to miss us when she’s back at school. She talks almost constantly about how sad she is when she’s at school and not with us. It has taken over; it feels like all our time is spent discussing her sadness and brainstorming ways to reduce it, leaving little space for connecting joyfully.

Sasha has been in therapy since she was four. We have done everything her therapist has suggested, which is all in sync with our parenting approach. We ask about, listen to and empathize with her feelings. We help her think of strategies to try when she is missing us and sad at school (play with friends, hug a teacher, etc.) We share our own feelings of missing her and how we think about her and feel connected with her throughout the day. We have given her trinkets from our workplaces that she can have with her at school. While she seems responsive to these strategies and eager to have these discussions, none of it has reduced her looping and preoccupation. Her distress is still really, really big and very consuming for her. We don’t see any significant change.”

Audio and video Lyndsey and Mark shared of conversations with Sasha reveal that they are calm, open listeners, ask lots of questions and show great interest in Sasha’s feelings. They spend a lot of time brainstorming strategies for what would make her feel better when they are separated. In some of these discussions, Sasha is very responsive and engaged in problem-solving. Other times she is fussy and irritable, refuting and rejecting all suggestions and strategies.

Of note is that in the recordings, a specific conflict for Sasha is revealed: When Lyndsey and Mark share that they also miss her when they are separated from her—intending to show love and empathy—it makes Sasha concerned that they are suffering too. She is worried about them missing her. But when they tell her that it’s okay, she doesn’t have to be worried about them—they are strong—she responds: “If you’re not worried when you’re not with me, it means you don’t love me.” It seems that she has confused love with worry—that if you’re not feeling sad or worried when separated from someone, it means you don’t love them.  

The Insights

It’s to be expected that a child will experience deep sadness and confusion about a parental separation. They need validation of and compassion for their feelings, and lots of opportunities to work through these emotions and to make sense of their experiences.

They also need security, stability and predictability—to know what to expect day-to-day: where they will be, who will be caring for them, etc.

And they need parents who communicate mutual respect and (ideally) warmth, who don’t “triangulate” the child—put them in the middle of a loyalty conflict. They don’t pit the child against the other, fight over the child or bad mouth each other (especially in front of them).

This is exactly how Lyndsey and Mark have handled the divorce, with incredible sensitivity and respect for each other and for Sasha.

What might help Sasha work through the separation anxiety?

After processing Lyndsey’s and Mark’s report and reviewing the audio/video, my strong sense is that, as counterintuitive as it might seem, it’s too much.

What seems loving and sensitive and “right” in theory—processing her feelings for long periods and brainstorming solutions—is actually not what Sasha needs or what will help her work through the separation anxiety. It’s intensifying her rumination—the “looping”—repetitively thinking about the same distressing thoughts without moving toward resolution. It’s keeping her stuck in the feelings in a way that isn’t healthy.

When I share this insight with Lyndsey and Mark, it resonates. Knowing Sasha as they do, they can see that the incessant discussion about her missing them is only exacerbating her distress, not alleviating it. They know that the goal is to help Sasha develop an internalized sense of security—that even though mom and dad live separately, she is close and connected to them, that they are still there for her even when they’re physically apart. Living in this constant state of stress is not healthy.  

Join LCD to read about my guidance and strategies that worked…

This case is an excerpt from my latest book, Big Rectors: Practical Strategies for Parenting Highly Sensitive Children

Olivia (5) is incredibly bright and passionate, and extremely sensitive. When her Kindergarten teacher teared-up at their graduation ceremony, Olivia got up in front of a packed room and gave the teacher a big hug, despite the fact that she typically avoids calling any attention to herself. Her empathy is that big.

Her parents, Anthony and Heather, report that Olivia overreacts to everything. They are especially concerned about her response when they have to correct or advise her. She accuses them of being mean and descends into self-flagellation. They tell her to pet the dog’s body, not pull his tail, and she responds: “You don’t think I can do anything right! You’re always yelling at me! I am so stupid!” and then pouts. (Note that her parents aren’t raising their voices in these situations. HSCs often interpret and react to a firm tone of voice as being mean or harsh.) When Anthony and Heather correct Olivia, explaining that the Olympic event they’re watching is called “breakdancing,” not “hip hop,” it’s the music that’s called “hip hop,” Olivia gets angry and tells them they don’t know anything. She shouts that the event is “hip hop” and runs out of the room. 

Then there was a recent incident at school that finally led Anthony and Heather to seek consultation. Olivia was sobbing at school pick-up. Through her tears, she told Heather that the teacher had not given her a goodie bag. This didn’t sound right to Heather. She reached out to the teacher who explained that Olivia and a friend were being very loud and disruptive to peers who were playing in the block area, so she directed them to move to the quiet corner to take a break.  The other child had no problem with this. Oliva, on the other hand, had a major meltdown. The school day ended soon thereafter. At their goodbye circle, the teacher was handing out goodie bags from a special event they had that day. Olivia was still so distressed that she didn’t accept her bag. She just ran out of the classroom.

Anthony and Heather are troubled by Olivia’s negative statements about herself and her total intolerance of being mistaken about anything. They are especially concerned about her lying. They feel like their hands are tied: isn’t it their job to guide her when she is doing something unacceptable or when she is wrong?  

This is an excerpt from my new book, Big Reactors: Practical Strategies for Parenting Highly Sensitive Children

Jenny and Thomas seek my guidance about their two-year-old, Uma, who falls apart whenever something happens in a way that she doesn’t like or expect: the puzzle is on the wrong shelf, they move a chair that was in Uma’s room to another place, or Thomas doesn’t sing the song he made up in exactly the way he did the night before. One of Uma’s biggest triggers is when her mom wears her hair up in a ponytail, bun or braid. ⁠She gets hysterical and demands that Jenny take it down immediately.

Jenny and Thomas are confused and very distressed by these reactions. They are also exhausted. Prior to starting our consultation, they had been racing to undo anything that made Uma uncomfortable. They moved the puzzle to the correct bookshelf. Thomas tried over and over to recreate the song exactly as Uma had recalled it (which was impossible and concluded with a 20-minute meltdown), and Jenny acquiesced to Uma's hairstyle demands and wore it down all the time. While they instinctively knew that constantly accommodating Uma’s demands wasn’t healthy, they just wanted Uma to be happy. They hoped and told themselves that she would grow out of it. But when it didn’t get better, they called for a consult.

It's important to add that Uma does great at and loves school. Her teachers report that they don’t see the inflexibility Jenny and Thomas are reporting and are surprised to hear about how differently she behaves at home. At school, she is very cooperative and content. (This is a very common phenomenon in the families I work with—a child being a “superstar” at school and a “terror” at home—which I address in depth in Chapter 7.)

For years, my clients and readers have asked for a cheat-sheet of the key phrases or mantras I use as I help parents solve their childrearing challenges. The goal of these messages is, at their core, to help moms and dads be the loving limit-setters their children need them to be in a way that is supportive, not shaming, a needle that can seem impossible to thread in the heat-of-the-moment, especially if you have a big reactor. 

So here goes...

When parents seek my consultation to address a challenge, the first and most important step for maximizing the chance that they will have success is getting clear on what is appropriate to expect from their child in the situation at hand; what is supportive and what is enabling. 

Sometimes ascertaining this is easy: Parents know their four-year-old can dress himself, even if he doesn’t want to, and so we make a plan for how they will help him take on this responsibility.

Other times it’s harder: Parents sign their six-year-old up for a new horseback riding camp which she is extremely excited about. But she says she can’t go without a friend, which is not happening. They struggle to decide whether to have her go, holding high expectations that she can adapt, or whether it is too much to expect for her to go on her own and thus, cancel the camp. 

Getting clear on expectations is so important because if they are too low, kids miss out on critical opportunities to overcome challenges, build resilience, and find joy in new activities or endeavors.

if they are too high, the delta between a parents' expectations of their child and their child's actual ability to meet those expectations is the space of total frustration for everyone involved.

In previous blogs, I have shared many cases that showed how kids muscled through “positive discomfort” to build skills, confidence and resilience when their parents assessed that, with support, they could meet a new expectation, master a new challenge.

In this blog, I share stories that show how parents amended their expectations in a way that was supportive, not "accommodating," caving, or enabling. 
___________________________________________

Cassandra and Ethan sought my help with how to support their son, Jack (7), who is a highly reactive and sensitive child. He has a low threshold for discomfort; when things don't go the way he wants or expects, he doesn't get something he wants, or he perceives too many demands are being made on him, he can get very dysregulated and sometimes explosive. He spews venom, provokes everyone in the house, and can get physical—hitting people (especially his older brother, Nick) and being destructive, such as throwing objects. 

When he is regulated, he is very high-functioning. He is calm and cooperative at school, which he loves. He participates in many extracurricular activities and thrives in them. (If you're wondering about masking, that's not our sense of what's going on with Jack. He is not constricted at school—holding it in just to survive. He is relaxed and joyful and fully engaged. If you're interested in learning more about "masking," check out "Is My Child Masking or Adapting?")

In a recent consult, Casandra and Ethan wanted to focus on two specific challenges:

1) How to handle the chaos they are experiencing when the kids get home from a long day at camp. Dinner is a disaster. Jack is very irritable; it's constant complaining and whining. And watch out if his brother sits in the chair he wanted; that can catapult Jack into next level madness. It's a nightmare for all. 

2) What to do when Jack wakes up on the wrong side of the bed; he is completely out of sorts and insists he isn't going to camp. (Note that he loves camp. When in a good mood, he excitedly shares all of his escapades there and the report from his counselors is very positive.) 

I was so happy to hear from my child's teacher that he was doing so great at school—cooperative, empathetic, a leader—even though I was totally confused by this. At home he is defiant, bosses us around, is mean to his brother all the time.

Then, I started reading that this is called "masking" and is a really bad thing and is harmful to kids—that they are faking it to conform, to be accepted—and not able to be their true selves. Now I don't know what to think or do about this.

Being much better behaved at school than at home is a very common phenomenon for the kids in my practice. Why does this happen?

Arthur and Hadley are distressed about the constant power struggles with their son, Ryder (7). They send me audio of a difficult encounter so I can hear exactly how these scenarios unfold and help them figure out what they can do differently. In this case, Ryder is insisting that he needs to go back downstairs after he is already in his room getting ready to read with Arthur before lights out. Ryder proclaims that he doesn’t want to read books. He wants to use his time to paint.

Arthur: "Ryder, we are not doing art now. We are getting ready for bed. There is no going back downstairs."

Ryder screams: "That's stupid. All you want me to do is read and read and read and read because you think it's educational. Well art is educational too. Haven't you ever heard of art class?"

Arthur: "It’s bedtime, which is reading time."

Ryder: "That doesn't make any sense! You never let me do anything I want to do. This is the worst day ever!"

Arthur: "That is not true, Ryder. You get to do so many things you want to do..." as Arthur proceeds to remind Ryder of many recent examples.

Arthur's repeated efforts to explain (defend) himself—to convince Ryder to see that his accusations are unfounded and that the limit is fair—is just fodder for Ryder to keep upping the ante. His retorts get more fierce and increasingly irrational: "You care more about Lilah (his younger sister) than me! She gets to do art whenever she wants! You are so mean to me. I don't even think you love me!" This goes on for over 20 minutes, with Arthur playing defense, countering every accusation and negotiation point. He is completely worn down and ends up letting Ryder do art for an extra 30 minutes before lights-out. After we process this experience, Arthur makes the following course corrections:

When children boss other kids around, say hurtful things, exclude peers, and act in other unkind ways, they are not acting mean on purpose. By and large, these kids are struggling with difficult feelings of insecurity/self-doubt and anxiety. Read on to learn about how to help your child manage their difficult and complex feelings to enable them to act towards others with kindness.

Elizabeth is a single mom by choice. She had yearned for a child for a very long time and had to go through many procedures to have Mireille (5), the HSCs featured in the introduction to this chapter. Elizabeth had spent a lot of time fantasizing about the close bond they would have—being on their own, together—and how happy she would make her child. But now Elizabeth finds herself totally exhausted. She feels suffocated by Mireille whose needs seem to be endless. “If I try to gather a moment of space to regulate myself, which sometimes I need to do to avoid becoming punitive or yelling, it intensifies her distress. She will follow me and come into my physical space. I can feel how desperate she is for my comfort, which I’m absolutely willing to give her, just once I’ve calmed myself down.” Mireille also ruminates. When Elizabeth says they can’t go to the playground because it’s raining, Mireille will whine and mope, talk incessantly about how much she’s missing the swings…for hours. She will get a tiny scratch and nurse and complain about it for the entire day.

Mireille protests every limit Elizabeth tries to set, such as no screens during mealtimes and not snacking all day. Elizabeth finds herself often caving on these limits even though she knows this isn’t good for Mireille. They’re late to school every day which is becoming a problem. The teacher reports that Mireille is calmer and more engaged when she arrives on time. Joining the class late is dysregulating. She’s out-of-sorts on those days.

Mireille’s meltdowns are so epic that Elizabeth worries she’s too fragile to tolerate not getting what she wants. She’s afraid that Mireille’s anger in these moments will taint the strong, connected relationship she’s trying to build with Mireille—her number one priority. Further, Elizabeth can’t tolerate seeing Mireille in distress as she (mistakenly) equates it with being unhappy. She focuses all her energy on rescuing Mireille from any discomfort. She hopes that constantly filling Mireille’s cup will make her feel safe, secure and loved, and make her a happy and content child.

By the time Elizabeth comes to see me, she’s beginning to see that this approach isn’t making Mireille more content. In fact, she’s becoming more demanding and the stress in their relationship is growing—the exact opposite of the connection she’s trying to forge with Mireille. That’s how she knew it was time to seek help. Through our work, Elizabeth gained the following insights:

• Mireille is actually a very competent child who is quite resilient. At school and with other adults, she is able to manage disappointment and frustration and regulate her big emotions.

• This demand for constant connection may be what Mireille wants, but this kind of unhealthy attachment is not what she needs. ⁠It’s also not healthy for Elizabeth to feel suffocated by Mireille—to have no personal space, to feel like Mireille is trying to control her, and that she’s feeling AT Elizabeth. This is not enabling her to be the mom she wants to be for Mireille.

• Mireille may want to be in charge, but that’s also something that’s not good for her or what she needs. This dynamic has resulted in unhealthy outcomes for Mireille, like getting to school late, too much screen time and too many sweets. She and Mireille are also locked in protracted power struggles which is causing Elizabeth great despair and worry.

• The lack of limits is what is causing so much stress in the family and is the biggest obstacle to solidifying the close, trusting relationship Elizabeth so badly wants with Mireille.

With this change in mindset, Elizabeth makes the following changes:

"Nico (6) is constantly extorting us. He'll come to the dinner table but only if we make him the foods he demands: chicken nuggets, pizza, pasta. We have a great time playing ball outside. When I say it's time to stop and get ready for bed, he says he'll do it only if I agree to let him have more video game time. It's like we owe him something when we set any kind of limit or say no to something. He's going to take his pound of flesh."

This is a common phenomenon in families with kids who are fierce about being in control and can be demand-avoidant. It is sometimes called "equalizing"—the need to level the playing field by getting something in return.

As I try to help parents figure out how best to handle this—to provide what their children need, not necessarily what they want (when what they want is not good for them)—I think about how to give these kids a sense of control in a healthy way that moves them toward adaptation in the real world.

This is the general approach that I find is most helpful for these families

Here are the key mindshifts that are also guiding principles for my work with families, that are key to helping parents be the calm, loving, connected moms and dads they want to be while also setting the limits and boundaries kids need to thrive.

This article is the second in a series on “Positive Discomfort," the concept that the stress kids experience when facing a challenge is not something to be feared or avoided, but to be expected and embraced. It is muscling through the difficulty or fear that builds skills, competence, resilience and perseverance—attributes we all want for our children. It requires the adults who are supporting children to have high expectations with high support. (Check out Part One.)

In this follow up, I tell the story of my work with one family that involved collaboration with the child’s school, so you can see the positive changes that can be made when all the adults in the child's world work together to help them overcome their fears and their resistance to transition and change. 

This blog was inspired by the response to a video I posted on Instagram that went viral. In three days, it has more than 850K views and thousands of likes and shares. The video (which I encourage you to watch—it's a gem) was made by a very close friend who was watching her adorable 7-month-old grandson and caught him making his first attempts at crawling. I asked for permission to share it because it is such a powerful illustration of “positive discomfort," my new favorite concept because it so perfectly captures a critical mindshift: that the discomfort kids experience when facing a challenge is not something to be feared or avoided, but to be expected and embraced. It is muscling through the difficulty or fear that builds skills, competence, resilience and perseverance—attributes we all want for our children.

In the video, even as the baby is making progress, he is crying and at one point collapses, putting his head in his hands as if he just can't go on. But my friend/grandma doesn't swoop in to pick him and comfort him—the knee-jerk reaction most of us might have at seeing our children in distress. Instead, she remains a calm and supportive presence with her tone and words, communicating to him that she believes he can muscle through. And he does! He calms, gets back on all fours, smiles, and perseveres. Had grandma picked him up, that beautiful moment of triumph would have been thwarted. The message to this clearly competent guy would have been that she didn’t believe he had it in him to keep trying and prevail.

To give credit where due, I discovered "positive discomfort" in an article in the Washington Post, "A Winning Mix: High standards, high support," about the approach Emma Hayes, the US Women's Soccer Coach, takes to support her players. The article includes research by David Yeager, a developmental psychologist at the University of Texas at Austin who explains: "Intense stressors are a normal part of performing well, of learning, growing and developing new skills...Our stress response — what’s happening in our bodies and minds when we experience a stressful situation — prepares us to take action....When the mind expects to meet the challenge, breathing increases to send more oxygen to the blood, the heart pumps faster and blood vasculature dilates to spread the blood to the muscles and brain. Motivation and performance go up. The opposite happens when a threat is viewed as insurmountable and the body moves to protect itself. In such cases, the heart may pump fast, but blood vasculature constricts, keeping blood central in the chest cavity, essentially preparing for upcoming defeat." 

In short, it's all about expectations and mindset. When we see challenges through a positive lens, as opportunities for growth and learning that will take hard work to master, we are much more likely to persevere and succeed. The way we instill this mindset in our kids is by holding high expectations while giving them the tools and support they need to stay the course, which is exactly what these stories from the parenting trenches show. 

A common conundrum for many parents who seek my consultation is how to impart important lessons to their kids who won’t listen. Their kids reject, argue, shut the conversation down or put the blame on their parent.

You will see from the stories below that what I have found...wait for it..is that less is more in these moments. The more you try to get your child to absorb the information you want to impart, the less likely they are to tune in to and internalize it, as these stories below show. 

For years, my clients and readers have asked for a cheat-sheet of the key phrases or mantras I use as I help parents solve their childrearing challenges. The goal of these messages is, at their core, to help moms and dads be the loving limit-setters their children need them to be in a way that is supportive, not shaming, a needle that can seem impossible to thread in the heat-of-the-moment, especially if you have a big reactor. 

So here goes...