How to Set Limits with the Fierce and Feisty: Case from the trenches

Arthur and Hadley are distressed about the constant power struggles with their son, Ryder (7). They send me audio of a difficult encounter so I can hear exactly how these scenarios unfold and help them figure out what they can do differently. In this case, Ryder is insisting that he needs to go back downstairs after he is already in his room getting ready to read with Arthur before lights out. Ryder proclaims that he doesn’t want to read books. He wants to use his time to paint.

 Arthur: "Ryder, we are not doing art now. We are getting ready for bed. There is no going back downstairs."

Ryder (shouts): "That's stupid. All you want me to do is read and read and read and read because you think it's educational. Well art is educational too. Haven't you ever heard of art class?"

Arthur: "It’s bedtime, which is reading time."

Ryder: "That doesn't make any sense! You never let me do anything I want to do. This is the worst day ever!"

Arthur: "That is not true, Ryder. You get to do so many things you want to do..." as Arthur proceeds to remind Ryder of many recent examples.

Arthur's repeated efforts to explain (defend) himself—to convince Ryder to see that his accusations are unfounded and that the limit is fair—is just fodder for Ryder to keep upping the ante. His retorts get more fierce and increasingly irrational: "You care more about Lilah (his younger sister) than me! She gets to do art whenever she wants! You are so mean to me. I don't even think you love me!" This goes on for over 20 minutes, with Arthur playing defense, countering every accusation and negotiation point. He is completely worn down and ends up letting Ryder do art for an extra 30 minutes before lights-out. After we process this experience, Arthur makes the following course corrections:

In a quiet, not heat-of-the moment, Arthur explains to Ryder the difference between a choice and a “have-to.” Choices are decisions kids get to make, like what flavor ice-cream they want, which shirt to wear, what game they want to play. Have-tos are things that must happen to keep kids healthy and safe, like going to bed on time, being buckled in car seats, brushing their teeth, getting to school on time. They brainstorm a list of what would go into each category. (Kids are generally keen on participating in this exercise when it is all in theory, not practice!)

Arthur acknowledges Ryder’s feelings—that accepting limits, especially at bedtime, is hard. But it is a mommy/daddy job to make rules that keep kids healthy. That’s why the firm family rule is that after wash-up/bathroom time, kids go directly into their rooms where they stay until morning so they can calm their minds and bodies for sleep. Mom and dad will not allow playing or running around the house right before bed; those are daytime activities.

They tell Ryder that he will always have choices—in this case, about how he wants to spend his 20 minutes of quiet time in his room before lights-out: he can opt to read on his own, or to have one parent read to him. He can even spend the time drawing in his room; he just can’t go downstairs and paint. They tell him that they love him so much they are not going to get into a fight about this. They acknowledge that they can't stop him from trying to negotiate, but they won't be responding. They are very confident about their rule and accept that Ryder may not happy about it. They also explain that staying in his room after lights-out is also a “have-to.” How it happens is up to him. Option #1 is he follows the direction and stays in his room. Option #2 is he comes out, in which case they will use a door-helper to help him follow the rule. (See the Appendix for resources on how to make a sleep plan that is loving and effective.)

The Outcome
The next night, after his shower, Ryder announces that he is fine not doing art that night (Phew!) But when the 20 minutes of reading time are up, he insists Arthur keep reading because he cannot wait to know what happens next. Arthur acknowledges that it's really hard to stop reading at such an exciting moment, but going to bed now is a “have-to.” Ryder immediately launches into furthering his case. (At one point, he offers his dad $5 to keep reading!)

Arthur doesn’t respond to Ryder’s accusations and pleas, knowing this will just fuel the fire and signal to Ryder that he will not be going down this rabbit hole with him. Instead, Arthur says he is so excited to continue readingHarry Pottertomorrow and that he can't wait to see Ryder in the morning. Then Arthur leaves. Ryder shouts from his room for a good long time, but Arthur doesn't react. Ryder comes charging out of the room. Arthur takes Ryder back to his room. All he says, quietly, is “No problem, I’ll be a helper.” He uses the boundary they have chosen to secure the door closed to prevent Ryder from continuing to leave the room and promulgating a whole other pernicious and physical power struggle. Ryder continues to shout and protest from his room. After about 10 minutes with no response, he settles and goes to sleep. After this episode, when his parents continue to be clear about the expectations and follow through, without engaging in debates and negotiations, bedtime battles and other scenarios with the same dynamic, abate. Most importantly, their special time together before bed—perhaps the only time of day they have to slow down and truly connect—goes from being tense and fraught, to being filled with joy and bonding.