From Inflexible to Adaptable: A Case from the Trenches

This is an excerpt from my new book, Big Reactors: Practical Strategies for Parenting Highly Sensitive Children

Jenny and Thomas seek my guidance about their two-year-old, Uma, who falls apart whenever something happens in a way that she doesn’t like or expect: the puzzle is on the wrong shelf, they move a chair that was in Uma’s room to another place, or Thomas doesn’t sing the song he made up in exactly the way he did the night before. One of Uma’s biggest triggers is when her mom wears her hair up in a ponytail, bun or braid. ⁠She gets hysterical and demands that Jenny take it down immediately.

Jenny and Thomas are confused and very distressed by these reactions. They are also exhausted. Prior to starting our consultation, they had been racing to undo anything that made Uma uncomfortable. They moved the puzzle to the correct bookshelf. Thomas tried over and over to recreate the song exactly as Uma had recalled it (which was impossible and concluded with a 20-minute meltdown), and Jenny acquiesced to Uma's hairstyle demands and wore it down all the time. While they instinctively knew that constantly accommodating Uma’s demands wasn’t healthy, they just wanted Uma to be happy. They hoped and told themselves that she would grow out of it. But when it didn’t get better, they called for a consult.

It's important to add that Uma does great at and loves school. Her teachers report that they don’t see the inflexibility Jenny and Thomas are reporting and are surprised to hear about how differently she behaves at home. At school, she is very cooperative and content. (This is a very common phenomenon in the families I work with—a child being a “superstar” at school and a “terror” at home—which I address in depth in Chapter 7.)

The Analysis

It becomes clear that Jenny and Thomas’ hope that Uma would become more adaptable as she grew older is not happening. In fact, she is becoming more demanding and inflexible—making increasingly rigid demands about every step of their daily routines, such as how her owl babies are organized before bed, which can take up to 30 minutes. They are also getting very frustrated and short with her due to her increasing need for (seemingly irrational) rituals that are controlling their daily lives. They are feeling a lot more frustration and despair than connection and joy.

We also take into consideration that at school, Uma is able to be flexible; that with clear structure and rules, she is able to adapt. Our job is to help her be able to flex that muscle at home, too.

⁠With this insight, Jenny and Thomas are ready and motivated to stop doing so much accommodating and to set appropriate limits to help Uma learn to cope when things don’t happen exactly the way she expects or is comfortable with.

The Plan

They decide to start with Uma’s fixation on Jenny’s hair having to be down. The goal is to help Uma see Jenny as the trusted, adored mom she is no matter what her hair looks like. To that end, Jenny will not take her hair down on command and tolerates Uma’s distress. They will then apply a similar approach to other situations in which Uma is being rigid to build her overall flexibility.

The Outcome

When Uma insists Jenny take her hair down, Jenny responds: "I know, you like mommy's hair down, but mommy gets to decide how to wear my hair, and right now I’m more comfortable with it up. Remember, I am the same mama no matter how I wear my hair.” Jenny rubs Uma's back and repeats in a loving voice, “Same mama.” ⁠

After several weeks of this course correction, most of the time when Uma sees Jenny’s hair is up, she gets a twinkle in her eye and says, "Same mama", which makes Jenny tear up, understandably. Sometimes, Uma still melts down. At those times, Jenny responds, "I see it still sometimes makes you uncomfortable when mom's hair is up. I understand. Remember, 'same mama'." Then Jenny stays quiet and present and gives Uma space to work it through. Uma eventually calms and moves on.

Muscling through this and experiencing the incredible sense of joy at having helped Uma overcome this significant challenge empowers Jenny and Thomas to apply the same approach to other similar dynamics with Uma. When Uma has to accept something the way it is, like mom having her hair up or the restaurant not having the kind of juice she wants, they show empathy and then give her space to work through the distress. “I know it’s hard when they don’t have the juice you like. You can choose another drink or not have a drink, that’s up to you.”

When she flips out because they have moved a chair from her room to a workspace where they need it in another room, Jenny and Thomas resist the urge to just let it stay in Uma’s room to avoid the meltdown. Instead, they acknowledge Uma’s discomfort and displeasure with this change and try to brainstorm what they might put in its place. Uma is not ready to focus on solving this problem. She continues to cry and protest. They respond, “We’re happy to think of other things to put in your room when you are ready,” to signal that they aren’t going to engage in a power struggle over this or change their minds. Once Uma sees they are holding firm, she starts to look at the pictures of other options her parents have curated. She ultimately decides on a bean bag chair, which soon becomes her preferred place for book-reading at bedtime.

When Uma is distressed over Thomas not being able to recall the exact words to the song he had made up, he suggests they make up a funny song together and write all the words down so they can remember it. Initially, Uma rejects this and throws herself on the floor in despair. When Thomas remains a quiet presence, and doesn’t make it all better, she pops up and agrees to the plan. They have a blast with the joint song-writing endeavor.

Making this major shift in their response to Uma is life-changing for all of them. She is becoming more flexible and there is so much more peace and joy. Jenny and Thomas are no longer walking on eggshells, now that they have tools to both deal with the meltdowns and to help Uma become her own best problem-solver.