Establishing “Just Right” Expectations: The key to supporting versus enabling your child
When parents seek my consultation to address a challenge, the first and most important step for maximizing the chance that they will have success is getting clear on what is appropriate to expect from their child in the situation at hand; what is supportive and what is enabling.
Sometimes ascertaining this is easy: Parents know their four-year-old can dress himself, even if he doesn’t want to, and so we make a plan for how they will help him take on this responsibility.
Other times it’s harder: Parents sign their six-year-old up for a new horseback riding camp which she is extremely excited about. But she says she can’t go without a friend, which is not happening. They struggle to decide whether to have her go, holding high expectations that she can adapt, or whether it is too much to expect for her to go on her own and thus, cancel the camp.
Getting clear on expectations is so important because if they are too low, kids miss out on critical opportunities to overcome challenges, build resilience, and find joy in new activities or endeavors.
if they are too high, the delta between a parents' expectations of their child and their child's actual ability to meet those expectations is the space of total frustration for everyone involved.
In previous blogs, I have shared many cases that showed how kids muscled through “positive discomfort” to build skills, confidence and resilience when their parents assessed that, with support, they could meet a new expectation, master a new challenge.
In this blog, I share stories that show how parents amended their expectations in a way that was supportive, not "accommodating," caving, or enabling.
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Cassandra and Ethan sought my help with how to support their son, Jack (7), who is a highly reactive and sensitive child. He has a low threshold for discomfort; when things don't go the way he wants or expects, he doesn't get something he wants, or he perceives too many demands are being made on him, he can get very dysregulated and sometimes explosive. He spews venom, provokes everyone in the house, and can get physical—hitting people (especially his older brother, Nick) and being destructive, such as throwing objects.
When he is regulated, he is very high-functioning. He is calm and cooperative at school, which he loves. He participates in many extracurricular activities and thrives in them. (If you're wondering about masking, that's not our sense of what's going on with Jack. He is not constricted at school—holding it in just to survive. He is relaxed and joyful and fully engaged. If you're interested in learning more about "masking," check out "Is My Child Masking or Adapting?")
In a recent consult, Casandra and Ethan wanted to focus on two specific challenges:
1) How to handle the chaos they are experiencing when the kids get home from a long day at camp. Dinner is a disaster. Jack is very irritable; it's constant complaining and whining. And watch out if his brother sits in the chair he wanted; that can catapult Jack into next level madness. It's a nightmare for all.
2) What to do when Jack wakes up on the wrong side of the bed; he is completely out of sorts and insists he isn't going to camp. (Note that he loves camp. When in a good mood, he excitedly shares all of his escapades there and the report from his counselors is very positive.)