Establishing “Just Right” Expectations: The key to supporting versus enabling your child
When parents seek my consultation to address a challenge, the first and most important step for maximizing the chance that they will have success is getting clear on what is appropriate to expect from their child in the situation at hand; what is supportive and what is enabling.
Sometimes ascertaining this is easy: Parents know their four-year-old can dress himself, even if he doesn’t want to, and so we make a plan for how they will help him take on this responsibility.
Other times it’s harder: Parents sign their six-year-old up for a new horseback riding camp which she is extremely excited about. But she says she can’t go without a friend, which is not happening. They struggle to decide whether to have her go, holding high expectations that she can adapt, or whether it is too much to expect for her to go on her own and thus, cancel the camp.
Getting clear on expectations is so important because if they are too low, kids miss out on critical opportunities to overcome challenges, build resilience, and find joy in new activities or endeavors.
if they are too high, the delta between a parents' expectations of their child and their child's actual ability to meet those expectations is the space of total frustration for everyone involved.
In previous blogs, I have shared many cases that showed how kids muscled through “positive discomfort” to build skills, confidence and resilience when their parents assessed that, with support, they could meet a new expectation, master a new challenge.
In this blog, I share stories that show how parents amended their expectations in a way that was supportive, not "accommodating," caving, or enabling.
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Cassandra and Ethan sought my help with how to support their son, Jack (7), who is a highly reactive and sensitive child. He has a low threshold for discomfort; when things don't go the way he wants or expects, he doesn't get something he wants, or he perceives too many demands are being made on him, he can get very dysregulated and sometimes explosive. He spews venom, provokes everyone in the house, and can get physical—hitting people (especially his older brother, Nick) and being destructive, such as throwing objects.
When he is regulated, he is very high-functioning. He is calm and cooperative at school, which he loves. He participates in many extracurricular activities and thrives in them. (If you're wondering about masking, that's not our sense of what's going on with Jack. He is not constricted at school—holding it in just to survive. He is relaxed and joyful and fully engaged. If you're interested in learning more about "masking," check out "Is My Child Masking or Adapting?")
In a recent consult, Casandra and Ethan wanted to focus on two specific challenges:
1) How to handle the chaos they are experiencing when the kids get home from a long day at camp. Dinner is a disaster. Jack is very irritable; it's constant complaining and whining. And watch out if his brother sits in the chair he wanted; that can catapult Jack into next level madness. It's a nightmare for all.
2) What to do when Jack wakes up on the wrong side of the bed; he is completely out of sorts and insists he isn't going to camp. (Note that he loves camp. When in a good mood, he excitedly shares all of his escapades there and the report from his counselors is very positive.)
The Dinner Dilemma
The first step in solving any problem parents bring to me is to tune into what we know about the child. In this case, we know Jack has a very sensitive system that gets easily overstimulated; when he reaches his sensory threshold, he is not able to cope effectively. This is not his fault, it's how he's wired.
Accordingly, my hypothesis is that after a long day at camp, in the hot sun doing lots of physical activity, expecting Jack to be able to regulate himself at the dinner table is not realistic. It sets everybody up for disaster and despair. So, I recommend that on camp days, they give Jack a choice: to sit at the dinner table, if he is able to regulate his body and his behavior; or, to eat his dinner in a quiet place where he can listen to a book on tape if he likes—a soothing activity for him. I see this as supportive, not enabling or "accommodating" or caving, because it’s a plan that takes into consideration accurate expectations for a child in a given situation.
This change in their plan is sensitive and loving for everybody:
It empowers Cassandra and Ethan to ensure a peaceful dinner.
It doesn’t enable Jack to be the lightning rod by monopolizing important family time with the unwanted and disruptive behavior—a detriment not just to them and Nick, but to Jack.
Having a clear plan for how they can set boundaries to limit Jack’s unwanted behavior, they are able to stop shaming him. No more: “That’s it! Go to your room. Nobody one wants you at the table when you’re acting like a jerk.”
They build Jack’s resilience and flexibility by not caving to his demands; i.e., to evict his brother from the chair he wanted, or to give him the chicken nuggets he is begging for in place of the healthy meal they have made.
Refusal to Go to CampWhat do we know about this situation? That Jack can be very irritable in the mornings; he is cranky and out of sorts. Nothing feels right. He complains about everything and is very negative.
This is a not uncommon phenomenon for HSCs; making state changes—calming their minds and bodies to sleep, and waking up in the morning—often take longer for them. Their systems need more time to adapt.
History also shows that once Jack has made the transition, for example, from home to school or to an activity, he regulates and thrives.
So, we decide that while Jack may not feel like going to camp some mornings, letting him stay home would be enabling and not supportive. He would be missing out on a fun and edifying experience; and, Casandra and Ethan would be sending the message that they don't think he can muscle through a difficult moment when in fact, he has shown he is fully capable of doing just that.
In other words, this is a "just right" expectation; meaning that with some support, Jack can master the challenge. This is In contrast to the expectation that Jack can regulate himself at the end of a day of summer camp, which is not "just right;" it's too high a bar and sets everyone up for failure.
With this assessment, Cassandra and Ethan take the following steps:
They validate that some mornings can be hard; he's tired and cranky. They feel the same way too, sometimes—they'd rather stay cozy in bed than go to work. He's not alone.
They tell Jack that going to camp is a "have-to;” they won't be trying to convince him to agree. They accept that he isn't happy about their decision; they don't expect him to be.
They tell him how they will help him move through the difficult mornings; for example, they will have breakfast on the table if he chooses to eat. If he chooses not to or can't, because he's so out of sorts, no problem—they'll pack a to-go container for him that he can eat on the bus. If he chooses not to, or isn't able to get to onto the bus on his own, they will help him. What they aren't going to do is fight with him.
(For more on how to help kids who wake up on the wrong side of the bed greet the day, check out this blog.)
Cassandra and Ethan are very comfortable with this plan as their experience has been that when they don't give in and make an activity a "have-to," once Jack sees that they are not budging, he adapts.
More on how to establish appropriate expectations for your child and other related resources: