The cases I choose to share in my blog are often those that reveal how conventional or popular parenting advice doesn’t work or even backfires for some kids, especially those that are highly sensitive, “big reactors.”

So many families who seek my consultation are frustrated and in despair when the strategies and approaches that profess to be the loving (“gentle”) and effective way to respond to a child in difficult moments don’t work for their child and family.  

Today’s case addresses what to do when a child is experiencing significant separation anxiety.

Lyndsey and Mark sought my consultation because they are concerned about the intense anxiety their daughter, Sasha (5), is experiencing when separated from them.

Lyndsey explained:

“Sasha (5) is a wonderful, bright, curious, deeply emotional and empathetic child with very big feelings and reactions since birth. Over the years, she’s learned to express and handle them pretty well. But, when she has a big fear/worry/concern/sadness, she gets really stuck in that feeling and has a hard time paying attention to anything else.

Her dad, Mark, and I divorced when Sasha was two-and-a-half. Our separation was amicable. We get along well and coparent collaboratively.  Even so, Sasha has struggled with deep feelings of sadness about missing us when she can’t be with us. It’s most intense at school.

Sasha generally enjoys school—learning and playing—and when we pick her up at the end of the day, she almost always says it was great. But every morning and evening she ruminates on how much she’s going to miss us when she’s back at school. She talks almost constantly about how sad she is when she’s at school and not with us. It has taken over; it feels like all our time is spent discussing her sadness and brainstorming ways to reduce it, leaving little space for connecting joyfully.

Sasha has been in therapy since she was four. We have done everything her therapist has suggested, which is all in sync with our parenting approach. We ask about, listen to and empathize with her feelings. We help her think of strategies to try when she is missing us and sad at school (play with friends, hug a teacher, etc.) We share our own feelings of missing her and how we think about her and feel connected with her throughout the day. We have given her trinkets from our workplaces that she can have with her at school. While she seems responsive to these strategies and eager to have these discussions, none of it has reduced her looping and preoccupation. Her distress is still really, really big and very consuming for her. We don’t see any significant change.”

Audio and video Lyndsey and Mark shared of conversations with Sasha reveal that they are calm, open listeners, ask lots of questions and show great interest in Sasha’s feelings. They spend a lot of time brainstorming strategies for what would make her feel better when they are separated. In some of these discussions, Sasha is very responsive and engaged in problem-solving. Other times she is fussy and irritable, refuting and rejecting all suggestions and strategies.

Of note is that in the recordings, a specific conflict for Sasha is revealed: When Lyndsey and Mark share that they also miss her when they are separated from her—intending to show love and empathy—it makes Sasha concerned that they are suffering too. She is worried about them missing her. But when they tell her that it’s okay, she doesn’t have to be worried about them—they are strong—she responds: “If you’re not worried when you’re not with me, it means you don’t love me.” It seems that she has confused love with worry—that if you’re not feeling sad or worried when separated from someone, it means you don’t love them.  

The Insights

It’s to be expected that a child will experience deep sadness and confusion about a parental separation. They need validation of and compassion for their feelings, and lots of opportunities to work through these emotions and to make sense of their experiences.

They also need security, stability and predictability—to know what to expect day-to-day: where they will be, who will be caring for them, etc.

And they need parents who communicate mutual respect and (ideally) warmth, who don’t “triangulate” the child—put them in the middle of a loyalty conflict. They don’t pit the child against the other, fight over the child or bad mouth each other (especially in front of them).

This is exactly how Lyndsey and Mark have handled the divorce, with incredible sensitivity and respect for each other and for Sasha.

What might help Sasha work through the separation anxiety?

After processing Lyndsey’s and Mark’s report and reviewing the audio/video, my strong sense is that, as counterintuitive as it might seem, it’s too much.

What seems loving and sensitive and “right” in theory—processing her feelings for long periods and brainstorming solutions—is actually not what Sasha needs or what will help her work through the separation anxiety. It’s intensifying her rumination—the “looping”—repetitively thinking about the same distressing thoughts without moving toward resolution. It’s keeping her stuck in the feelings in a way that isn’t healthy.

When I share this insight with Lyndsey and Mark, it resonates. Knowing Sasha as they do, they can see that the incessant discussion about her missing them is only exacerbating her distress, not alleviating it. They know that the goal is to help Sasha develop an internalized sense of security—that even though mom and dad live separately, she is close and connected to them, that they are still there for her even when they’re physically apart. Living in this constant state of stress is not healthy.  

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