When Children Lie: What it means and how to teach about telling the truth

“Sawyer (5) cut the line for the slide at the playground. When I approached, to guide her to go back to her place, she started shouting at me that she didn’t cut. We got into this whole argument about whether or not she did something I witnessed with my own two eyes. She just dug in her heels deeper and deeper. It was insane. This kind of thing happens frequently—she’ll take her sister’s toy from her room and deny it. I don’t know what to do about this. Sometimes I worry I’m raising a sociopath!”

It’s important to see this behavior through the lens of development. Five-year-olds' moral reasoning is still heavily influenced by external consequences (e.g., avoiding punishment or pleasing adults) rather than an internal sense of morality. They lie to serve immediate needs, such as avoiding trouble or gaining attention. From a cognitive perspective, they don't fully grasp the broader social or relational impact of lying.⁠

They are not sociopaths.

In this case, Sawyer knows she did something wrong and likely feels shame about it, a very difficult emotion she is trying to deflect via denial, as a way to cope with with this conflict.⁠

What to do?⁠

When you know your child has done something unacceptable, don't ask. That just backs them into a corner and creates a situation that leads to lying. And, ignore your child's protests and denials. Trying to get them to admit their wrongdoing or that they lied is just fodder for a fight. Instead, acknowledge the emotional experience they are struggling with that led to the unwanted behavior and scaffold the correction: ⁠

"It's hard to wait to go down the slide. I will help you wait your turn," as you guide your child back to their place.

"The toy has to go back to its owner. Do you want to give it back or should I return it? You decide."

"I know you don't like washing hands, but it's a have-to for health reasons. Do you want to use the sink or an anti-bacterial wipe?" (When your child insists they've done a task you know they haven't completed.)

There is no need for a lecture or big correction. In most of these scenarios, the child knows the rule—they are just having a hard time following it because their impulses/desires override what they know to be right and wrong.⁠ It's also important to avoid responses that trigger shame and denial: "You know we don't cut, that's not nice or fair..." Or, “Why are you lying?” These reactions divert attention from the important lesson by instigating an irrational argument. It's also important not to label your child a "liar," as kids internalize these messages, which can lead to more shame and deception.

The good news is that the limit is the lesson. You are teaching your child with your actions that their behavior is unacceptable and that you are going to help them follow the rules when they are not able to.