This case is an excerpt from my latest book, Big Rectors: Practical Strategies for Parenting Highly Sensitive Children

Olivia (5) is incredibly bright and passionate, and extremely sensitive. When her Kindergarten teacher teared-up at their graduation ceremony, Olivia got up in front of a packed room and gave the teacher a big hug, despite the fact that she typically avoids calling any attention to herself. Her empathy is that big.

Her parents, Anthony and Heather, report that Olivia overreacts to everything. They are especially concerned about her response when they have to correct or advise her. She accuses them of being mean and descends into self-flagellation. They tell her to pet the dog’s body, not pull his tail, and she responds: “You don’t think I can do anything right! You’re always yelling at me! I am so stupid!” and then pouts. (Note that her parents aren’t raising their voices in these situations. HSCs often interpret and react to a firm tone of voice as being mean or harsh.) When Anthony and Heather correct Olivia, explaining that the Olympic event they’re watching is called “breakdancing,” not “hip hop,” it’s the music that’s called “hip hop,” Olivia gets angry and tells them they don’t know anything. She shouts that the event is “hip hop” and runs out of the room. 

Then there was a recent incident at school that finally led Anthony and Heather to seek consultation. Olivia was sobbing at school pick-up. Through her tears, she told Heather that the teacher had not given her a goodie bag. This didn’t sound right to Heather. She reached out to the teacher who explained that Olivia and a friend were being very loud and disruptive to peers who were playing in the block area, so she directed them to move to the quiet corner to take a break.  The other child had no problem with this. Oliva, on the other hand, had a major meltdown. The school day ended soon thereafter. At their goodbye circle, the teacher was handing out goodie bags from a special event they had that day. Olivia was still so distressed that she didn’t accept her bag. She just ran out of the classroom.

Anthony and Heather are troubled by Olivia’s negative statements about herself and her total intolerance of being mistaken about anything. They are especially concerned about her lying. They feel like their hands are tied: isn’t it their job to guide her when she is doing something unacceptable or when she is wrong?  

This is an excerpt from my new book, Big Reactors: Practical Strategies for Parenting Highly Sensitive Children

Jenny and Thomas seek my guidance about their two-year-old, Uma, who falls apart whenever something happens in a way that she doesn’t like or expect: the puzzle is on the wrong shelf, they move a chair that was in Uma’s room to another place, or Thomas doesn’t sing the song he made up in exactly the way he did the night before. One of Uma’s biggest triggers is when her mom wears her hair up in a ponytail, bun or braid. ⁠She gets hysterical and demands that Jenny take it down immediately.

Jenny and Thomas are confused and very distressed by these reactions. They are also exhausted. Prior to starting our consultation, they had been racing to undo anything that made Uma uncomfortable. They moved the puzzle to the correct bookshelf. Thomas tried over and over to recreate the song exactly as Uma had recalled it (which was impossible and concluded with a 20-minute meltdown), and Jenny acquiesced to Uma's hairstyle demands and wore it down all the time. While they instinctively knew that constantly accommodating Uma’s demands wasn’t healthy, they just wanted Uma to be happy. They hoped and told themselves that she would grow out of it. But when it didn’t get better, they called for a consult.

It's important to add that Uma does great at and loves school. Her teachers report that they don’t see the inflexibility Jenny and Thomas are reporting and are surprised to hear about how differently she behaves at home. At school, she is very cooperative and content. (This is a very common phenomenon in the families I work with—a child being a “superstar” at school and a “terror” at home—which I address in depth in Chapter 7.)

When parents seek my consultation to address a challenge, the first and most important step for maximizing the chance that they will have success is getting clear on what is appropriate to expect from their child in the situation at hand; what is supportive and what is enabling. 

Sometimes ascertaining this is easy: Parents know their four-year-old can dress himself, even if he doesn’t want to, and so we make a plan for how they will help him take on this responsibility.

Other times it’s harder: Parents sign their six-year-old up for a new horseback riding camp which she is extremely excited about. But she says she can’t go without a friend, which is not happening. They struggle to decide whether to have her go, holding high expectations that she can adapt, or whether it is too much to expect for her to go on her own and thus, cancel the camp. 

Getting clear on expectations is so important because if they are too low, kids miss out on critical opportunities to overcome challenges, build resilience, and find joy in new activities or endeavors.

if they are too high, the delta between a parents' expectations of their child and their child's actual ability to meet those expectations is the space of total frustration for everyone involved.

In previous blogs, I have shared many cases that showed how kids muscled through “positive discomfort” to build skills, confidence and resilience when their parents assessed that, with support, they could meet a new expectation, master a new challenge.

In this blog, I share stories that show how parents amended their expectations in a way that was supportive, not "accommodating," caving, or enabling. 
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Cassandra and Ethan sought my help with how to support their son, Jack (7), who is a highly reactive and sensitive child. He has a low threshold for discomfort; when things don't go the way he wants or expects, he doesn't get something he wants, or he perceives too many demands are being made on him, he can get very dysregulated and sometimes explosive. He spews venom, provokes everyone in the house, and can get physical—hitting people (especially his older brother, Nick) and being destructive, such as throwing objects. 

When he is regulated, he is very high-functioning. He is calm and cooperative at school, which he loves. He participates in many extracurricular activities and thrives in them. (If you're wondering about masking, that's not our sense of what's going on with Jack. He is not constricted at school—holding it in just to survive. He is relaxed and joyful and fully engaged. If you're interested in learning more about "masking," check out "Is My Child Masking or Adapting?")

In a recent consult, Casandra and Ethan wanted to focus on two specific challenges:

1) How to handle the chaos they are experiencing when the kids get home from a long day at camp. Dinner is a disaster. Jack is very irritable; it's constant complaining and whining. And watch out if his brother sits in the chair he wanted; that can catapult Jack into next level madness. It's a nightmare for all. 

2) What to do when Jack wakes up on the wrong side of the bed; he is completely out of sorts and insists he isn't going to camp. (Note that he loves camp. When in a good mood, he excitedly shares all of his escapades there and the report from his counselors is very positive.) 

I was so happy to hear from my child's teacher that he was doing so great at school—cooperative, empathetic, a leader—even though I was totally confused by this. At home he is defiant, bosses us around, is mean to his brother all the time.

Then, I started reading that this is called "masking" and is a really bad thing and is harmful to kids—that they are faking it to conform, to be accepted—and not able to be their true selves. Now I don't know what to think or do about this.

Being much better behaved at school than at home is a very common phenomenon for the kids in my practice. Why does this happen?

Arthur and Hadley are distressed about the constant power struggles with their son, Ryder (7). They send me audio of a difficult encounter so I can hear exactly how these scenarios unfold and help them figure out what they can do differently. In this case, Ryder is insisting that he needs to go back downstairs after he is already in his room getting ready to read with Arthur before lights out. Ryder proclaims that he doesn’t want to read books. He wants to use his time to paint.

Arthur: "Ryder, we are not doing art now. We are getting ready for bed. There is no going back downstairs."

Ryder screams: "That's stupid. All you want me to do is read and read and read and read because you think it's educational. Well art is educational too. Haven't you ever heard of art class?"

Arthur: "It’s bedtime, which is reading time."

Ryder: "That doesn't make any sense! You never let me do anything I want to do. This is the worst day ever!"

Arthur: "That is not true, Ryder. You get to do so many things you want to do..." as Arthur proceeds to remind Ryder of many recent examples.

Arthur's repeated efforts to explain (defend) himself—to convince Ryder to see that his accusations are unfounded and that the limit is fair—is just fodder for Ryder to keep upping the ante. His retorts get more fierce and increasingly irrational: "You care more about Lilah (his younger sister) than me! She gets to do art whenever she wants! You are so mean to me. I don't even think you love me!" This goes on for over 20 minutes, with Arthur playing defense, countering every accusation and negotiation point. He is completely worn down and ends up letting Ryder do art for an extra 30 minutes before lights-out. After we process this experience, Arthur makes the following course corrections:

Elizabeth is a single mom by choice. She had yearned for a child for a very long time and had to go through many procedures to have Mireille (5), the HSCs featured in the introduction to this chapter. Elizabeth had spent a lot of time fantasizing about the close bond they would have—being on their own, together—and how happy she would make her child. But now Elizabeth finds herself totally exhausted. She feels suffocated by Mireille whose needs seem to be endless. “If I try to gather a moment of space to regulate myself, which sometimes I need to do to avoid becoming punitive or yelling, it intensifies her distress. She will follow me and come into my physical space. I can feel how desperate she is for my comfort, which I’m absolutely willing to give her, just once I’ve calmed myself down.” Mireille also ruminates. When Elizabeth says they can’t go to the playground because it’s raining, Mireille will whine and mope, talk incessantly about how much she’s missing the swings…for hours. She will get a tiny scratch and nurse and complain about it for the entire day.

Mireille protests every limit Elizabeth tries to set, such as no screens during mealtimes and not snacking all day. Elizabeth finds herself often caving on these limits even though she knows this isn’t good for Mireille. They’re late to school every day which is becoming a problem. The teacher reports that Mireille is calmer and more engaged when she arrives on time. Joining the class late is dysregulating. She’s out-of-sorts on those days.

Mireille’s meltdowns are so epic that Elizabeth worries she’s too fragile to tolerate not getting what she wants. She’s afraid that Mireille’s anger in these moments will taint the strong, connected relationship she’s trying to build with Mireille—her number one priority. Further, Elizabeth can’t tolerate seeing Mireille in distress as she (mistakenly) equates it with being unhappy. She focuses all her energy on rescuing Mireille from any discomfort. She hopes that constantly filling Mireille’s cup will make her feel safe, secure and loved, and make her a happy and content child.

By the time Elizabeth comes to see me, she’s beginning to see that this approach isn’t making Mireille more content. In fact, she’s becoming more demanding and the stress in their relationship is growing—the exact opposite of the connection she’s trying to forge with Mireille. That’s how she knew it was time to seek help. Through our work, Elizabeth gained the following insights:

• Mireille is actually a very competent child who is quite resilient. At school and with other adults, she is able to manage disappointment and frustration and regulate her big emotions.

• This demand for constant connection may be what Mireille wants, but this kind of unhealthy attachment is not what she needs. ⁠It’s also not healthy for Elizabeth to feel suffocated by Mireille—to have no personal space, to feel like Mireille is trying to control her, and that she’s feeling AT Elizabeth. This is not enabling her to be the mom she wants to be for Mireille.

• Mireille may want to be in charge, but that’s also something that’s not good for her or what she needs. This dynamic has resulted in unhealthy outcomes for Mireille, like getting to school late, too much screen time and too many sweets. She and Mireille are also locked in protracted power struggles which is causing Elizabeth great despair and worry.

• The lack of limits is what is causing so much stress in the family and is the biggest obstacle to solidifying the close, trusting relationship Elizabeth so badly wants with Mireille.

With this change in mindset, Elizabeth makes the following changes: