“We sit down for dinner. Declan (5) whines, ‘You didn’t get me my milk!” Not, ‘Thank you so much for this delicious meal you have made after a long workday, Mommy. Can I please have some milk?’ We get to the playground and he complains, ‘You didn’t bring the right pail!’ We read three books at bedtime, he accuses, ‘We didn’t get to read my favorite book about the pandas (because he hadn’t chosen it!) The whining is out of control and driving us insane. He finds fault with everything.”

“Nina (5) and I had a great day together, filled with lots of play and fun activities. Then, at bedtime, just when I was saying goodnight, she insisted she needed to go back downstairs to check on her Magnatile structure. She is a master of obfuscation, and we are trying to get a handle on that—so bedtime doesn’t become chaotic and so she goes to sleep at a reasonable hour. So, I said that wasn’t possible, it was time for sleep, and she could check on her creation first thing in the morning—it would still be there. She started crying and shouting, “This is the worst day ever!”

“My son, Harry (7) is very attached to me and demanding of my attention, which leads to him getting a lot more of it than my other kids. Last night when I told him a babysitter was coming, he pleaded for me not to go and accused, ‘You care more about your friends than me!’ This gets me in the gut and makes me feel guilty—like I’m rejecting and hurting him. When I take a step back, I know that it’s not wrong for me to want a night out to meet my own needs. He just makes it so hard.”

“Ceci (8) insists on accusing people of harming her when it’s clearly an accident and then demands apologies. For example, she was racing up the stairs to surpass her sister and stubbed her toe along the way. She started shouting at her sister that it was her fault and needs to apologize. Or, she’s at the kitchen counter coloring and some water spills onto her paper and smudges her picture. She accuses me of causing it and demands an apology.  We often just do it to pacify her and move on. But we know it’s unhealthy. We don’t know what to do.”

Why this mindset?

We can’t know exactly why kids react as they do. There’s no brain scan that tells us definitively what triggers their behavior. But the detective work I guide parents through to identify the root cause has led to insights into the meaning behind these behaviors. Almost always, temperament is a big factor.

Some kids, often those who are highly sensitive, filter their experiences through this victim mindset. They process their experiences in the world through a deficit, half-glass-empty lens. It’s a wiring issue, not a stance your child has chosen or that you have engendered in your child.

They have a lower threshold for discomfort. When something doesn’t happen the way they expect or desire, they have a hard time coping and often externalize blame. They react as if they have been wronged, wounded and are being deprived when something unexpected happens, when you set a limit they don’t like, or when you are not able to meet all of their needs. They demand apologies and compensation, lest they take their pound of flesh. 

I know that can be a hard pill to swallow, especially when you see other kids or have another child who is positive and easy-going (aka, a “dandelion” to your child’s “orchid.“) You wonder, "Why can't you just be like (insert the flexible, positive child) and see all the amazing things you have and get to do?!"

These kids are also extremely clever and know how to pull at their loving parents’ heartstrings to get them to give them what they want, like Harry who didn’t want his mom to go out with her friends. This dynamic is often at play with the parent who has assumed the role of the “emotional support parent”—the person whom they depend on to meet all their needs (demands) and prevent or solve all problems.

Environmental factors may also play a role, such as: a new baby in the family, sibling jealousy/competition, or another stressor, like a parent being absent. A mom has had to travel a lot recently to care for her ill mother. Her daughter, Maisy (4) is understandably feeling deprived and filtering everything through the “I’m never getting enough” lens. She is demanding mom make up for her absence by reading more and more books and extending cuddle time far beyond a healthy bedtime. Mom is having a hard time holding any limits out of guilt.

Jaden (6) is a middle child and is very competitive with his older brother (9.) He is constantly accusing his parents of being unfair: letting his older brother stay up later, even demanding that they weigh and measure their desserts because he is sure they are giving his brother a bigger portion.

And here’s a story from my own parenting trenches, that I am not proud of. I would give my kids—Sam and Jess—baths together every night starting when Jess was 6 months (and Sam was 3). Each night I would ask who wanted to get out first. Sam always wanted to stay in longer. Jess didn’t seem to care, not to mention that she wasn’t verbal yet and able to take a stance. Then, when Jess was about 20 months, I posed what I had come to consider the nightly rhetorical question. But on this occasion, Jess exclaimed: “I want to stay in!” Given that the “score” was 365 (give or take) to zero, I said of course Jess should get a turn. Sam’s response: “I never get to stay in the bath longer!”

How to Respond: What not to do

Try to change your child’s feelings—to logic them into rationality. If you’re like most parents I work with, your natural reaction may be to try to reason with your child:

"Why don't you see all the things we do for you? It’s never enough!”

"Why do you have to look at everything so negatively?"

Get defensive; to convince them you haven’t wronged them.

"We didn't read the Panda book because you didn't choose it! It's not my fault."

“Are you kidding me! You’ve gotten to stay longer in the bath every single night for a year! You get to do so much more than Jess.” (Which is exactly how I reacted—with anger and shaming.)

The problem with these responses is that refuting your child’s perspective and trying to change their minds usually results in them doubling-down on their stance/accusations. (They’re not pausing and thinking: “Good point, you’re right, that was totally irrational.”)

When the response includes shaming—the meta-message being “what’s wrong with you?”—it shuts kids down and makes learning any important lessons you’re trying to teach impossible.

Buy into the guilt and acquiesce to their demands. You cancel the babysitter. You let bedtime go on way too long. You let the more demanding child get what they want, often at the expense of the more adaptable child who forgoes their needs in favor of family peace.

Reacting in these ways sends several unhelpful messages to your child, including:

• Reinforcing the false notion that you’ve wronged your child and now you owe them.

• Engendering entitlement.

• Creating resentment in the siblings whose needs are put on the back burner.

• That you can control people by guilting them into doing what you want.

What to do

Show compassion while holding important limits.

"I hear that you’d like some milk. You’re welcome to pour yourself some whenever you like.” If they’re not old enough to do this independently, you might respond: “I’d be happy to get you that milk when you ask for it with respect and a kind voice.”

“You wish you had a different pail. I understand. You can choose to use the ones we have or you can play somewhere else at the park. You decide!"

"There are so many books to choose from each night! We are lucky to have so many. I can't wait to read the panda book tomorrow."

“I know you don’t like it when mommy goes out with friends and we have a babysitter. You want mommy here all the time. I love my time with you, too. I also love my time with my friends, so I will be going out. I’m not asking you to like it or agree with it; this is a mommy decision. I can’t wait to see you in the morning.”

“I have been away doing the very important job of taking care of grandma. I know you have missed mommy and I’ve missed you so much, too. I am going to add another five minutes to our cuddle time before bed so we have some extra time together.”  This acknowledges that being separated is hard and that her child needs something extra to fill her cup (which, by the way, may never feel full to her, no matter how much attention mom gives her!) At the same time it doesn’t play into or reinforce the notion that mom has done something wrong and owes her daughter—so now she has to let her stay up too late or meet other unhealthy demands. The fact is that these kinds of situations are going to arise that kids have to learn to cope with. You want to show empathy for the impact on them, but not to validate the narrative that they’ve been wronged. Those are two very different things.

“I know you love staying in the bath longer. But it’s my job to make sure both you and Jess get a turn to come out last. So, we are going to start switching off each night to make it fair. I know that’s a big change, and you may not like it, and that’s okay. I don’t expect you to be happy with the new plan.” That’s how I wish I had handled it. (The pain of 20/20 hindsight.)

“I know you feel it’s unfair that your brother gets to stay up later. You don’t like that rule. I totally understand why you would see it that way. But mommy and daddy are in charge of making rules for each child based on what you each need to grow healthy and strong. Your brother gets to stay up later because his body doesn’t need as much sleep. That’s what happens when you get older. He went to bed at 8 when he was your age and you’ll be able to stay up until 9 when you’re his age. Fair is not always equal.”

“We are not going to measure the desserts. They’re almost never exactly the same size. Sometimes yours might be bigger and sometimes your brother’s might be bigger. That happens. You can either eat yours or not. That’s up to you.”

"I know you're disappointed/angry that I won't let you finish your Magnatile structure when it feels so important to you right now. But it's time for bed. You can finish it in the morning."⁠ Then you hold the limit, tolerating your child’s displeasure. In a quiet moment, you can help them gain the self-awareness that is so important for all human beings but especially for HSCs. "You have really big feelings. When you are happy and having so much fun, like when were splashing in puddles all the way home in the rain earlier today. When you’re sad, or mad, or frustrated because you can't have something you want, those feelings are also really big and overwhelming and sometimes eat up all the good feelings. You can't remember the good stuff in those moments, even though both happy and hard things happen for everyone." When you validate your child’s experience and build their self-awareness, over time children are more likely to pause, reflect on their reactions, and build strong coping skills to better manage those difficult moments.

The goal is to help children see that not getting everything they want is about healthy and developmentally appropriate limits, not about love or favoritism. Liam’s parents want him to create a new narrative that is not one of “I am a victim, always being deprived”, but one that sounds more like, “When I can’t have everything the way I want it, and my parents set limits, it doesn’t mean I am not loved or valued.” Mature as this outlook may seem, over time, children can and do internalize this very important concept.

Related Resources:

10 Traits of Highly Sensitive Children

"This Is the WORST DAY EVER!" When one minor incident upends the entire day

How to Not Let Your Big Reactor Suck All the Life Out of Your Family

Teaching Kids that Fair is not Equal

You Are Not A Helicopter Parent. You Are Your Child's Emotional Support Parent

When Your Child Has a Pessimistic Outlook

Negative Self-Talk: What it means and what you can do

“It’s All Your Fault!” Why Your Child Blames You For Everything (and how to help kids learn to take responsibility for their mistakes)

When Not to Apologize to Your Child

He’s Going To Take His Pound of Flesh: When Your Child Demands to Equalize

This case is an excerpt from my latest book, Big Rectors: Practical Strategies for Parenting Highly Sensitive Children

Olivia (5) is incredibly bright and passionate, and extremely sensitive. When her Kindergarten teacher teared-up at their graduation ceremony, Olivia got up in front of a packed room and gave the teacher a big hug, despite the fact that she typically avoids calling any attention to herself. Her empathy is that big.

Her parents, Anthony and Heather, report that Olivia overreacts to everything. They are especially concerned about her response when they have to correct or advise her. She accuses them of being mean and descends into self-flagellation. They tell her to pet the dog’s body, not pull his tail, and she responds: “You don’t think I can do anything right! You’re always yelling at me! I am so stupid!” and then pouts. (Note that her parents aren’t raising their voices in these situations. HSCs often interpret and react to a firm tone of voice as being mean or harsh.) When Anthony and Heather correct Olivia, explaining that the Olympic event they’re watching is called “breakdancing,” not “hip hop,” it’s the music that’s called “hip hop,” Olivia gets angry and tells them they don’t know anything. She shouts that the event is “hip hop” and runs out of the room. 

Then there was a recent incident at school that finally led Anthony and Heather to seek consultation. Olivia was sobbing at school pick-up. Through her tears, she told Heather that the teacher had not given her a goodie bag. This didn’t sound right to Heather. She reached out to the teacher who explained that Olivia and a friend were being very loud and disruptive to peers who were playing in the block area, so she directed them to move to the quiet corner to take a break.  The other child had no problem with this. Oliva, on the other hand, had a major meltdown. The school day ended soon thereafter. At their goodbye circle, the teacher was handing out goodie bags from a special event they had that day. Olivia was still so distressed that she didn’t accept her bag. She just ran out of the classroom.

Anthony and Heather are troubled by Olivia’s negative statements about herself and her total intolerance of being mistaken about anything. They are especially concerned about her lying. They feel like their hands are tied: isn’t it their job to guide her when she is doing something unacceptable or when she is wrong?  

This is an excerpt from my new book, Big Reactors: Practical Strategies for Parenting Highly Sensitive Children

Jenny and Thomas seek my guidance about their two-year-old, Uma, who falls apart whenever something happens in a way that she doesn’t like or expect: the puzzle is on the wrong shelf, they move a chair that was in Uma’s room to another place, or Thomas doesn’t sing the song he made up in exactly the way he did the night before. One of Uma’s biggest triggers is when her mom wears her hair up in a ponytail, bun or braid. ⁠She gets hysterical and demands that Jenny take it down immediately.

Jenny and Thomas are confused and very distressed by these reactions. They are also exhausted. Prior to starting our consultation, they had been racing to undo anything that made Uma uncomfortable. They moved the puzzle to the correct bookshelf. Thomas tried over and over to recreate the song exactly as Uma had recalled it (which was impossible and concluded with a 20-minute meltdown), and Jenny acquiesced to Uma's hairstyle demands and wore it down all the time. While they instinctively knew that constantly accommodating Uma’s demands wasn’t healthy, they just wanted Uma to be happy. They hoped and told themselves that she would grow out of it. But when it didn’t get better, they called for a consult.

It's important to add that Uma does great at and loves school. Her teachers report that they don’t see the inflexibility Jenny and Thomas are reporting and are surprised to hear about how differently she behaves at home. At school, she is very cooperative and content. (This is a very common phenomenon in the families I work with—a child being a “superstar” at school and a “terror” at home—which I address in depth in Chapter 7.)

When parents seek my consultation to address a challenge, the first and most important step for maximizing the chance that they will have success is getting clear on what is appropriate to expect from their child in the situation at hand; what is supportive and what is enabling. 

Sometimes ascertaining this is easy: Parents know their four-year-old can dress himself, even if he doesn’t want to, and so we make a plan for how they will help him take on this responsibility.

Other times it’s harder: Parents sign their six-year-old up for a new horseback riding camp which she is extremely excited about. But she says she can’t go without a friend, which is not happening. They struggle to decide whether to have her go, holding high expectations that she can adapt, or whether it is too much to expect for her to go on her own and thus, cancel the camp. 

Getting clear on expectations is so important because if they are too low, kids miss out on critical opportunities to overcome challenges, build resilience, and find joy in new activities or endeavors.

if they are too high, the delta between a parents' expectations of their child and their child's actual ability to meet those expectations is the space of total frustration for everyone involved.

In previous blogs, I have shared many cases that showed how kids muscled through “positive discomfort” to build skills, confidence and resilience when their parents assessed that, with support, they could meet a new expectation, master a new challenge.

In this blog, I share stories that show how parents amended their expectations in a way that was supportive, not "accommodating," caving, or enabling. 
___________________________________________

Cassandra and Ethan sought my help with how to support their son, Jack (7), who is a highly reactive and sensitive child. He has a low threshold for discomfort; when things don't go the way he wants or expects, he doesn't get something he wants, or he perceives too many demands are being made on him, he can get very dysregulated and sometimes explosive. He spews venom, provokes everyone in the house, and can get physical—hitting people (especially his older brother, Nick) and being destructive, such as throwing objects. 

When he is regulated, he is very high-functioning. He is calm and cooperative at school, which he loves. He participates in many extracurricular activities and thrives in them. (If you're wondering about masking, that's not our sense of what's going on with Jack. He is not constricted at school—holding it in just to survive. He is relaxed and joyful and fully engaged. If you're interested in learning more about "masking," check out "Is My Child Masking or Adapting?")

In a recent consult, Casandra and Ethan wanted to focus on two specific challenges:

1) How to handle the chaos they are experiencing when the kids get home from a long day at camp. Dinner is a disaster. Jack is very irritable; it's constant complaining and whining. And watch out if his brother sits in the chair he wanted; that can catapult Jack into next level madness. It's a nightmare for all. 

2) What to do when Jack wakes up on the wrong side of the bed; he is completely out of sorts and insists he isn't going to camp. (Note that he loves camp. When in a good mood, he excitedly shares all of his escapades there and the report from his counselors is very positive.) 

I was so happy to hear from my child's teacher that he was doing so great at school—cooperative, empathetic, a leader—even though I was totally confused by this. At home he is defiant, bosses us around, is mean to his brother all the time.

Then, I started reading that this is called "masking" and is a really bad thing and is harmful to kids—that they are faking it to conform, to be accepted—and not able to be their true selves. Now I don't know what to think or do about this.

Being much better behaved at school than at home is a very common phenomenon for the kids in my practice. Why does this happen?

When children boss other kids around, say hurtful things, exclude peers, and act in other unkind ways, they are not acting mean on purpose. By and large, these kids are struggling with difficult feelings of insecurity/self-doubt and anxiety. Read on to learn about how to help your child manage their difficult and complex feelings to enable them to act towards others with kindness.

"Nico (6) is constantly extorting us. He'll come to the dinner table but only if we make him the foods he demands: chicken nuggets, pizza, pasta. We have a great time playing ball outside. When I say it's time to stop and get ready for bed, he says he'll do it only if I agree to let him have more video game time. It's like we owe him something when we set any kind of limit or say no to something. He's going to take his pound of flesh."

This is a common phenomenon in families with kids who are fierce about being in control and can be demand-avoidant. It is sometimes called "equalizing"—the need to level the playing field by getting something in return.

As I try to help parents figure out how best to handle this—to provide what their children need, not necessarily what they want (when what they want is not good for them)—I think about how to give these kids a sense of control in a healthy way that moves them toward adaptation in the real world.

This is the general approach that I find is most helpful for these families

This article is the second in a series on “Positive Discomfort," the concept that the stress kids experience when facing a challenge is not something to be feared or avoided, but to be expected and embraced. It is muscling through the difficulty or fear that builds skills, competence, resilience and perseverance—attributes we all want for our children. It requires the adults who are supporting children to have high expectations with high support. (Check out Part One.)

In this follow up, I tell the story of my work with one family that involved collaboration with the child’s school, so you can see the positive changes that can be made when all the adults in the child's world work together to help them overcome their fears and their resistance to transition and change. 

This blog was inspired by the response to a video I posted on Instagram that went viral. In three days, it has more than 850K views and thousands of likes and shares. The video (which I encourage you to watch—it's a gem) was made by a very close friend who was watching her adorable 7-month-old grandson and caught him making his first attempts at crawling. I asked for permission to share it because it is such a powerful illustration of “positive discomfort," my new favorite concept because it so perfectly captures a critical mindshift: that the discomfort kids experience when facing a challenge is not something to be feared or avoided, but to be expected and embraced. It is muscling through the difficulty or fear that builds skills, competence, resilience and perseverance—attributes we all want for our children.

In the video, even as the baby is making progress, he is crying and at one point collapses, putting his head in his hands as if he just can't go on. But my friend/grandma doesn't swoop in to pick him and comfort him—the knee-jerk reaction most of us might have at seeing our children in distress. Instead, she remains a calm and supportive presence with her tone and words, communicating to him that she believes he can muscle through. And he does! He calms, gets back on all fours, smiles, and perseveres. Had grandma picked him up, that beautiful moment of triumph would have been thwarted. The message to this clearly competent guy would have been that she didn’t believe he had it in him to keep trying and prevail.

To give credit where due, I discovered "positive discomfort" in an article in the Washington Post, "A Winning Mix: High standards, high support," about the approach Emma Hayes, the US Women's Soccer Coach, takes to support her players. The article includes research by David Yeager, a developmental psychologist at the University of Texas at Austin who explains: "Intense stressors are a normal part of performing well, of learning, growing and developing new skills...Our stress response — what’s happening in our bodies and minds when we experience a stressful situation — prepares us to take action....When the mind expects to meet the challenge, breathing increases to send more oxygen to the blood, the heart pumps faster and blood vasculature dilates to spread the blood to the muscles and brain. Motivation and performance go up. The opposite happens when a threat is viewed as insurmountable and the body moves to protect itself. In such cases, the heart may pump fast, but blood vasculature constricts, keeping blood central in the chest cavity, essentially preparing for upcoming defeat." 

In short, it's all about expectations and mindset. When we see challenges through a positive lens, as opportunities for growth and learning that will take hard work to master, we are much more likely to persevere and succeed. The way we instill this mindset in our kids is by holding high expectations while giving them the tools and support they need to stay the course, which is exactly what these stories from the parenting trenches show. 

You may have heard the saying, “Kids do well when they can."[1] This is the idea that when kids are struggling, it’s not because they are misbehaving or not cooperating on purpose. It’s either because they don’t have the skills, or access to the skills, necessary to manage in that moment. The former might be expecting a very active two-year-old to sit happily in a restaurant for 30 minutes. The latter might be a four-year-old who understands, from a cognitive perspective, that hitting is not okay. But when they are triggered by a big feeling, their downstairs takes over and so they hit. 

It's the expectation gap that causes so much stress in families because parents are constantly frustrated and kids feel misunderstood when their unintentional actions are treated as misbehavior. They also get the message that they are not good or capable enough. Having appropriate expectations can move you from anger and frustration to empathy and help you establish the most loving, effective ways to support your child, especially in difficult moments.

"Our little guy was having so much fun watching a mountain biking reel with his dad. He asked where the mountain was. When we told him it was in another country called Canada, he burst into tears. Through the sobbing he told us it was because he was never going to see that bike trail because he is never leaving Australia."

The mom who shared this story added: "I think the most exhausting part of having a HSC is not knowing what will throw them and turn our day into chaos."

Kids having this kind of negative thinking and pessimistic mindset is a common phenomenon for HSCs. Their deep thinking and analysis results in a lot of "what-ifs?" and worry that can take them to a dark place. I think that this is rooted in their intense need for control over their world. They feel overwhelmed on the inside because they don't have an "off" button; their brains are constantly working, trying to make sense of all they are processing. To cope, they try to control whatever they can on the outside. Thinking 20 steps ahead ensures they will be prepared for anything—to feel in control of all potential outcomes. Preparing for the worst protects them from the unexpected but can also lead to a bleak outlook, as evidenced by proclamations like: 

"I'm never going to be able to make it" (across the monkey bars.)

"We're never going to find it!" (The missing puzzle piece.)

"I'm never going to make friends at the new school. Nobody is going to like me."

Naturally, the parental impulse is to refute your child's proclamation—to talk them out of their negativity that feels so detrimental for them. We want them to have a "growth mindset" and feel optimistic and confident.
⁠
The problem is that this kind of response rarely changes the child's perspective and can, in fact, exacerbate their negativity. They sense you are trying to talk them out of their feelings. In reaction, children often double down on their "position." Every one of your talking points is met with a more fierce rebuttal. 

In a recent consult, the parents of a seven-year-old, who by nature is a very big reactor, shared that after a lot of hard work on managing their own emotions and being less reactive to him when he is having a difficult moment, he is now much better able to soothe himself. He will even voluntarily go into his room to take a break. They asked if it is okay to let him do this. They have heard so much about the importance of tuning into and acknowledging children's feelings. They worry that he won’t know that they are there for him—that they care about his emotions—and wonder if they should follow him and get him to talk.

Here is a child who has learned an amazing skill—to regulate himself in such a healthy and positive way. He is clearly letting his parents know that this is what he needs. There will be opportunities to talk about feelings, and to show that they see and feel him. But pursuing him in this moment would likely be experienced as intrusive, not respecting his boundaries. 

Yes, I am a mental health professional who has dedicated over three decades to supporting children's social and emotional well-being. And yes, I believe that tuning in to and validating feelings is critically important for children's mental health and for healthy parent-child relationships. But what I see happening now is that parents have been led to believe (largely via popular Instagram accounts) that leaning deep into feelings is ALWAYS what kids need; that not doing so sends the message that you don’t care about your child’s feelings and are abandoning them in their moment of distress. This notion has had a very detrimental effect on many of the families I work with. Rather than following their children’s lead (true loving and "gentle" parenting), they are being intrusive and often inadvertently escalating their children’s dysregulation, not supporting their emotional regulation.  

In practice, what kids need when it comes to exploring emotions is highly dependent on context and timing. It is not helpful when: