How to Not Let Your Big Reactor Suck the Life Out of Your Family
Andrew and Alesy are concerned about their family dynamic. They have a very intense, big reactor, Junie (7), and two younger kids: Robby (5), who is easier going, and Hudson (13 months). Junie’s demands, meltdowns, and inflexibility control everyone. Andrew and Alesy feel like they can’t go anywhere because Junie gets easily triggered when things don’t go her way. She is constantly making accusations that she is not getting enough attention. Everything is unfair. She insists on always being first and on making all the decisions for the family: which playground to go to, which restaurant to eat at, which show to watch. Everything must be the way she wants it. Andrew and Alesy feel that no matter the lengths they go to give Junie the attention she wants, or to adapt to her demands, it will never be enough. Alesy is particularly exhausted because Junie has a strong preference for her and demands Alesy's constant attention. “She is my bottomless pit.” Alesy tears up as she shares her sadness over not feeling she has given the baby what she needs and hasn’t had nearly the time she wants with Robby because she is so busy reacting to Junie. She is also angry at Junie for putting her in this situation.
Andrew and Alesy are also troubled that Robby is now compromising his own needs to pacify Junie. They have been rationalizing (hoping) that he doesn’t mind because he is just so good natured, and the bottom line is that it makes life easier. But deep down, they know this isn’t fair or a healthy dynamic. They worry about Robby becoming the “pleaser” and that he may end up feeling resentful of his more reactive, demanding sibling.
The Analysis
This dynamic is very common in families with a child who is a big reactor. Parents are stressed and exhausted and often take, as one dad called it, “the parenting path of least resistance”—adapting to the demands of their big reactor to head off arguments and explosions. The energy and self-control it takes for parents to set the limits and tolerate their HSCs’ persistence. constant badgering and meltdowns feels impossible.
This situation is not only harmful to Andrew, Alesy, Robby and Hudson, it’s, in fact, not good for Junie to be the lightning rod in the family—to have the power to derail the family and be the target of constant anger and annoyance. Andrew and Alesy see that walking on eggshells around Junie is unhealthy.
They realize that they can’t keep make parenting decisions based on fear and avoidance of her meltdowns when things don’t go her way. They recognize that absent limits, Junie won't learn to be more flexible and the detrimental dynamic will persist.
Andrew and Alesy also want to address Junie’s preference and efforts to monopolize Alesy. While HSCs are known to make fierce attachments and thus, develop these strong preferences, it’s resulting in Alesy having very negative feelings about Junie. It’s also amplifying the sibling rivalry as Junie’s brother and sister are seen as constant competitors for Alesy’s affection and attention. This is not helping Junie learn to tolerate not getting all the attention and accept that other’s needs are important too—critical for her long-term healthy social-emotional development.
The Plan
Andrew and Alesy start to set appropriate limits with Junie. They acknowledge her desire to always be first but don’t enable it. They make a new nighttime schedule that has Andrew and Alesy rotating the child they are putting to bed. They institute having the kids take turns choosing restaurants and playgrounds. This entails no longer fearing Junie's meltdowns and outbursts when she doesn’t get her way. (To learn about how to set loving limits and provide containment when kids are spiraling, see these blogs.)
They help Robby understand his highly sensitive sibling. They want to build empathy and understanding. They start by acknowledging Robby’s lived experience while not disparaging Junie. They explain that we all have different brains; they don’t work the same. Alesy shares: “Daddy loves big, group activities with lots of action. I get overwhelmed in those kinds of situations and prefer just being with one or two people in quieter places. You like to jump right into new things. Your friend, Roopa, needs more time to feel comfortable with an experience that’s not familiar to her. That’s why she cried a lot the first few days of school. We all have different brains and bodies; that’s why we react differently to the same experiences."
They go on to explain: "Some brains, like yours, are really good at helping the mind and body stay calm, even when something difficult or upsetting happens. Junie’s brain has a harder time helping her stay calm. Her body and words sometimes act before her brain. She doesn’t mean to be hurtful. We are helping Junie manage her really big feelings.”
They don’t let Robby sacrifice himself to keep the peace. “Robby, I know you want to be a helper by doing Junie’s job, but you both have a responsibility to put your own dishes in the sink. It’s a mommy/daddy job to make sure you each learn to do that.”
“Robby, I know it’s hard to see Junie so upset about not going to her favorite playground, but it’s your turn to choose so we are going to stick with that. It’s our job to ohelp Junie cope with this disappointment.”
“It's hard for Junie when she has finished her cookies quickly and you still have some left. But they are your cookies to eat. We will help Junie cope with this. You are such a good brother and we know you want to make it all better by giving her yours, but that's not your responsibility. Junie is strong and she will be okay. She’s got what it takes.”
The Outcome
It’s really hard for Andrew and Alesy to tolerate Junie’s upset at not being able to control everything, but they are getting better at it, and are motivated to stay the course because they are seeing positive changes:
Junie is still protesting a lot but she calms and adapts more quickly when she sees her parents are holding firm.
When Junie gets disruptive—screaming at the top of her lungs in the middle of the family room or being destructive when her body acts before her brain—they guide her to her safe-break space. Experiencing this natural consequence more often than not results in her being able to stop and course correct. (Learn about how to set up safe-space breaks.)
When Junie insists on having mom at bedtime when it’s dad’s turn, Andrew doesn’t react to her rejection. He lets her know he is happy to read and cuddle with her when she’s ready and then gives her space. He keeps the door locked while they are in her bedroom so she can’t go running out to find Alesy and create more havoc. With these clear limits, bedtimes are becoming easier. (Learn more about managing sleep challenges.)
Having a plan for what to do when Junie has a hard time when they’re outside the home is more challenging because they have less control. But they’re figuring it out, as illustrated by this encounter they share:
They met Alesy’s sister, Giselle, and her family at one of their favorite restaurants. Giselle gave Junie and her cousin, Haley, Troll bags. Haley’s bag featured characters from the most recent Troll movie, Junie’s didn’t. Junie had a major meltdown. She started shouting and tried to grab Haley’s bag. Previously, Alesy and Andrew would have spent a long time trying to get Junie to accept her bag. They might even have tried to broker a deal for Haley to give Junie the desired bag, hoping to end this miserable moment. If Junie couldn’t get back in control, they likely would have collected all the kids and left.
But on this day, once they saw that Junie was in "red zone" and not reachable, Andrew calmly told her that he would be a helper and carried her to the car, locked the doors so she couldn’t run out, put on her favorite music and then remained a quiet presence. He explained he would sit with her until she was calm; then they could go back to join the family because that is the rule at restaurants—everyone has to use inside voices and calm bodies. Experiencing that her parents were following through with the plan, within five minutes Junie calmed. They returned to the family. Junie not only had a pleasurable remainder of the dinner, she was in a very upbeat mood when they got home. Our hypothesis/hope is that being able to get back into control and muscle through that difficult moment, and end the night on a positive note, gave Junie very positive feelings about herself. It was all made possible by Alesy and Andrew staying calm and providing the containment and boundaries Junie needed to regroup, without any shaming, punishing, or adding fuel to her flame.
Final Thoughts
This is very tough stuff and really hard work. It requires a heavy dose of parental self-control and limit-setting that is so hard to implement in the face of a fierce kid. But it can be life-changing for families, and an incredible gift to all of your kids, and you.
For more on how to set limits with your big reactor, check out these blogs.