When Trying to Always Makes Your Child Happy Makes Them (And You!) Unhappy
Elizabeth is a single mom by choice. She had yearned for a child for a very long time and had to go through many procedures to have Mireille (5), the HSCs featured in the introduction to this chapter. Elizabeth had spent a lot of time fantasizing about the close bond they would have—being on their own, together—and how happy she would make her child. But now Elizabeth finds herself totally exhausted. She feels suffocated by Mireille whose needs seem to be endless. “If I try to gather a moment of space to regulate myself, which sometimes I need to do to avoid becoming punitive or yelling, it intensifies her distress. She will follow me and come into my physical space. I can feel how desperate she is for my comfort, which I’m absolutely willing to give her, just once I’ve calmed myself down.” Mireille also ruminates. When Elizabeth says they can’t go to the playground because it’s raining, Mireille will whine and mope, talk incessantly about how much she’s missing the swings…for hours. She will get a tiny scratch and nurse and complain about it for the entire day.
Mireille protests every limit Elizabeth tries to set, such as no screens during mealtimes and not snacking all day. Elizabeth finds herself often caving on these limits even though she knows this isn’t good for Mireille. They’re late to school every day which is becoming a problem. The teacher reports that Mireille is calmer and more engaged when she arrives on time. Joining the class late is dysregulating. She’s out-of-sorts on those days.
Mireille’s meltdowns are so epic that Elizabeth worries she’s too fragile to tolerate not getting what she wants. She’s afraid that Mireille’s anger in these moments will taint the strong, connected relationship she’s trying to build with Mireille—her number one priority. Further, Elizabeth can’t tolerate seeing Mireille in distress as she (mistakenly) equates it with being unhappy. She focuses all her energy on rescuing Mireille from any discomfort. She hopes that constantly filling Mireille’s cup will make her feel safe, secure and loved, and make her a happy and content child.
By the time Elizabeth comes to see me, she’s beginning to see that this approach isn’t making Mireille more content. In fact, she’s becoming more demanding and the stress in their relationship is growing—the exact opposite of the connection she’s trying to forge with Mireille. That’s how she knew it was time to seek help. Through our work, Elizabeth gained the following insights:
Mireille is actually a very competent child who is quite resilient. At school and with other adults, she is able to manage disappointment and frustration and regulate her big emotions.
This demand for constant connection may be what Mireille wants, but this kind of unhealthy attachment is not what she needs. It’s also not healthy for Elizabeth to feel suffocated by Mireille—to have no personal space, to feel like Mireille is trying to control her, and that she’s feeling AT Elizabeth. This is not enabling her to be the mom she wants to be for Mireille.
Mireille may want to be in charge, but that’s also something that’s not good for her or what she needs. This dynamic has resulted in unhealthy outcomes for Mireille, like getting to school late, too much screen time and too many sweets. She and Mireille are also locked in protracted power struggles which is causing Elizabeth great despair and worry.
The lack of limits is what is causing so much stress in the family and is the biggest obstacle to solidifying the close, trusting relationship Elizabeth so badly wants with Mireille.
With this change in mindset, Elizabeth makes the following changes:
Creating personal boundaries: Elizabeth validates and offers comfort when Mireille is distressed. If this doesn’t help and Mireille escalates into raging at her or getting physical, Elizabeth helps both of them take safe space breaks. When Mireille continues to complain about a minor booboo or incident, she doesn’t try to convince her that it's not a big deal as that usually results in Mireille upping the ante to show just how serious it is. Instead, she acknowledges that Mireille experiences things deeply and that it feels uncomfortable when something unexpected happens to her body. Then she offers to be detectives together to figure out what kind of care she needs. Is it something she can take care of herself, like massaging where she banged her leg to make the owie go away? Something she needs help with, like getting a Bandaid? Or, something that requires a doctor's help? She helps Mireille make a kit with all the things she can use to make it feel better: a few Bandaids, a compress, some cream. In taking this approach, Elizabeth is empowering Mireille to take care of herself (when there is really nothing wrong). If it requires mom’s or someone else’s help, of course, Elizabeth provides it.
Screens at mealtimes: Elizabeth follows through on locking the tablet up during mealtimes and tolerating Mireille’s upset. When Mireille threatens not to eat if she doesn’t get the screen, Elizabeth responds that mommy’s job is to offer lots of growing foods; it’s Mireille’s job to decide how much her belly needs and what she eats. That is something only Mireille can decide and control. She also starts a ritual of telling Mireille a story about her childhood at each meal, which Mireille loves. Not getting into a power struggle and offering positive ways to connect results in fewer meltdowns about screens at mealtimes and Mireille eating a full, healthy meal. (See the Appendix for a resource on solving mealtime struggles.)
Setting limits on sweets: Elizabeth tells Mireille that it’s a mommy job to make sure their kids’ bodies grow healthy and strong. That means she can’t let Mireille eat sweet treats whenever she wants. The new plan is that Mireille will be able to choose a snack twice a day—after lunch and after dinner. Elizabeth knows how hard it is to resist them so she will be a helper by putting a lock on the cabinet. She understands that Mireille may not like this rule and she doesn’t expect her to. Why would she be happy to not be able to go into the cabinet and get treats whenever she wants? Naturally, Mireille protests and kicks and pulls at the cabinet door. Since this is not actually harming Mireille or the door, Elizabeth doesn’t correct her as that is sure to lead to further dysregulation. Being calm and consistent with this new plan results in a major reduction in battles over sweets.
Morning routine: Together, Elizabeth and Mireille create a visual schedule, pick out clothes the night before, and design their menu for breakfast. In the mornings, if Mireille is having a hard time getting through the tasks, despite all this great preparation the night before, Elizabeth now knows how to move her along without engaging in power struggles. If Mireille doesn’t cooperate with dressing, despite lots of “gamifying,” Elizabeth gets comfortable taking her to school in her pajamas, using the same approach described with Sloane: “We are leaving for school in five minutes—shown on a visual timer. That is the ‘have-to.’ You have two great choices: you can cooperate with getting dressed and go to school in the clothes you have chosen; or, you are choosing to go in your pajamas. That’s totally up to you.” Implementing this plan just one time ends dressing battles in the mornings. In fact, on day one, Mireille asks to change as soon as they start to leave the driveway.
All told, by getting comfortable with establishing healthy space between them and being a loving limit setter, Elizabeth has dramatically changed their relationship. There are far fewer battles and negotiations that are exhausting to both Elizabeth and Mireille. Mireille has also become significantly less demanding. Elizabeth is feeling much more loving towards Mireille and better about herself as Elizabeth sees that she is raising an amazing, strong, resilient child. Elizabeth also has a lot more energy to play and connect with Mireille. They now have the relationship she had always dreamed. Getting there just looked a lot different than she had imagined and that she ever thought she had the wherewithal to make happen.
Related Resources
How The Obsession With Validating Feelings Is Failing Our Children (and resulting in less, not more, emotional regulation)
How The Lack of Limits Makes Life So Exhausting--For Parents and Kids