How to Stop Walking on Eggshells With Your Big Reactor

Let me tell you the story of Amelia (4), a highly sensitive child who has very big reactions when something doesn’t happen the way she expects. If dad shows up at school instead of grandma, whom she was expecting, she will throw herself down in the parking lot and refuse to move. If there is a tiny poppy seed on her plain bagel, she will demand a new one.

When Amelia’s parents, Alan and Louisa, came for consultation, they were walking on eggshells. They found themselves accommodating to Amelia’s demands, as irrational as they seemed, to prevent the meltdowns that were so miserable for everybody.

In our consults, we worked on an approach that would enable Alan and Louisa to stay loving, calm and connected, while not giving in to Amelia’s demands. We needed to give her the chance to experience that she could tolerate the discomfort of the unexpected and develop critical flexibility.

After the third consult, Alan shared this story:

Amelia asked for an apricot (a fresh one.) When she cut it open (she likes to cut up her fruit to prevent the dripping that happens when she bites into juicy ones), she said it looked “gross and yucky” and refused to eat it. (It was perfectly fine, not rotten.)

Previously, Alan would have just given Amelia another apricot, rationalizing: “What’s the big deal? It’s just an apricot.” But in this instance, he mustered all his self-control and instead, did the following: He acknowledged Amelia’s displeasure with the way the apricot looked. He explained that the same fruit can look different from piece to piece. Amelia was not swayed and continued to protest, demanding a new apricot. She demanded that Alan take the “gross” one away—she didn’t want to touch it.

Alan said he would give her a napkin so she could move it away. She proceeded to put it on the kitchen counter as she continued to demand a new apricot.

Amelia’s badgering escalated. Alan acknowledged her displeasure with his choice to not give her a different piece of fruit, but was clear that he wasn’t changing his decision. She could keep asking—it's her voice and only she controls it—but he was not going to keep discussing it.

Alan distracted himself, fussing around in the kitchen. He started talking about a funny video he saw with dogs and offered to show it to her. He wanted to show A that he was not ignoring her, or mad or frustrated. He was just not going to keep going round about the apricot with her. Within a few minutes, when Amelia saw that Alan was holding firm, she took a bite of the apricot and announced, “This is the best apricot I’ve ever had!” as she gobbled it down.