Teaching Without Triggering: How to give corrections to kids who can’t tolerate not being “right”
This case is an excerpt from my latest book, Big Rectors: Practical Strategies for Parenting Highly Sensitive Children
Olivia (5) is incredibly bright and passionate, and extremely sensitive. When her Kindergarten teacher teared-up at their graduation ceremony, Olivia got up in front of a packed room and gave the teacher a big hug, despite the fact that she typically avoids calling any attention to herself. Her empathy is that big.
Her parents, Anthony and Heather, report that Olivia overreacts to everything. They are especially concerned about her response when they have to correct or advise her. She accuses them of being mean and descends into self-flagellation. They tell her to pet the dog’s body, not pull his tail, and she responds: “You don’t think I can do anything right! You’re always yelling at me! I am so stupid!” and then pouts. (Note that her parents aren’t raising their voices in these situations. HSCs often interpret and react to a firm tone of voice as being mean or harsh.) When Anthony and Heather correct Olivia, explaining that the Olympic event they’re watching is called “breakdancing,” not “hip hop,” it’s the music that’s called “hip hop,” Olivia gets angry and tells them they don’t know anything. She shouts that the event is “hip hop” and runs out of the room.
Then there was a recent incident at school that finally led Anthony and Heather to seek consultation. Olivia was sobbing at school pick-up. Through her tears, she told Heather that the teacher had not given her a goodie bag. This didn’t sound right to Heather. She reached out to the teacher who explained that Olivia and a friend were being very loud and disruptive to peers who were playing in the block area, so she directed them to move to the quiet corner to take a break. The other child had no problem with this. Oliva, on the other hand, had a major meltdown. The school day ended soon thereafter. At their goodbye circle, the teacher was handing out goodie bags from a special event they had that day. Olivia was still so distressed that she didn’t accept her bag. She just ran out of the classroom.
Anthony and Heather are troubled by Olivia’s negative statements about herself and her total intolerance of being mistaken about anything. They are especially concerned about her lying. They feel like their hands are tied: isn’t it their job to guide her when she is doing something unacceptable or when she is wrong?
The Analysis
We believe the root of these behaviors is that Olivia is quick to feel shame. Anthony and Heather see this show up in many ways. When Olivia makes a mistake or can’t do something perfectly, she will blame them or make up a lot of excuses for why it happened and wasn’t her fault. It makes sense given this mindset that she might also experience corrections as criticism, get angry at the messenger, and refute any suggestion that she is incorrect or doing something wrong.
What about the negative self-talk? Anthony and Heather suspect that it is, in part, a reflection of her tendency to judge herself harshly. She is a perfectionist. They also think that she knows these statements are very triggering to them and will get them to back off.
And the lying? I explain to Anthony and Heather that when five-year-olds tell untruths, it’s not considered lying in the moral or ethical sense because children this age don’t fully understand the distinction between truth and fiction. Lying, in this case, is a coping mechanism—to avoid the discomfort of owning what actually happened that felt so shaming. Olivia recounts her experience—that she didn’t get the goodie bag. Of course, if we could “go to the videotape” we would see that the teacher had in fact offered Olivia the goodie bag and that Olivia chose not to accept it. But that's not how it was processed by Olivia. That was not her truth. If her mom had reprimanded Olivia for lying, it’s likely her shame would have escalated, overwhelming her further, with no productive outcome.
Heather and Anthony also clearly see the powerful role of temperament in understanding Olivia’s behavior. Her peer, who experienced the exact same correction from the teacher, had a completely different reaction because he didn't process it in this personal way. That enabled him to accept and follow the direction. Olivia, on the other hand, was mortified and so deeply affected that she couldn't cope in an effective way.
The Plan
Tuning in and connecting. In a quiet moment, Anthony and Heather have a reflective conversation with Olivia to show compassion and understanding and to help her gain self-awareness about how her feelings affect her actions. They share the following key messages:
They start by acknowledging Olivia’s strong need to feel in control and be “right” about everything. They recount several examples of how these attributes have led to positive outcomes. She wanted to be the first to ride a two-wheeler, so she tried and tried until she got it. She reads books over and over so she can recall the stories to share with friends and family.
They also acknowledge that it’s really hard for her when she doesn’t get something right. It feels very uncomfortable to be corrected. It makes her feel badly about herself. They totally understand. At the same time, they note that nobody ever gets everything right. They share their own stories of how accepting guidance helped them master new skills and make good choices. They ask Olivia to tell stories of when she has seen her teachers correct her classmates and guide them to make better decisions. They normalize that everyone needs help; Olivia is not being singled out and it doesn’t mean people think less of her.
They tell Olivia that it’s the job of the adults who care for her to guide her—to keep her safe and to teach her to make good choices. They give her concrete examples, like when they have to guide her not to pull the dog’s tail. They do this because they love her—they don’t want the dog to pounce on her or to not want to cuddle with her, which they know would make Olivia feel badly. So, even though she may not like it, they are still going to be her guides, which might mean removing the dog from her if she is not able to follow the rules.
Responding to the negative self-talk. When Olivia says things like, “I’m an idiot. You think I’m dumb and wish I wasn’t in this family” when she is being corrected, Anthony and Heather now respond with compassion. They no longer try to talk her out of her feelings. Instead, they start with validation: “I know you don’t like it when we have to help you make a different choice. We’re glad you can tell us exactly how you feel, and we want you to know what we’re thinking and feeling. We think you are incredibly smart and that you are also still learning about how to make good choices; that’s what smart people do, they keep learning. Even mommy and daddy are still learning.” Then they move on with implementing whatever correction has to be made, i.e., “I can’t let you pull Maggie’s tail. You have two great choices: option #1 is I can get you something safe to pull instead of Maggie’s tail and then you can stay in the same room with her. If you choose to keep pulling her tail, you can play in a room away from Maggie. You decide.” (For more on how to deal with negative self-talk, see Chapter 7.)
Dealing with Olivia’s demands that she is always right. Anthony and Heather recognize that trying to get Olivia to accept that she is wrong about something is a useless endeavor. She just doubles-down to defend her position. Now when she insists on a falsehood, like that the event is called hip-hop or that dinosaurs still roam the earth, they simply respond that they have different information and offer to be detectives together to go onto the internet and see what they can learn. They also role model. Anthony will purposefully say something false, like carrots grow on trees. Heather chimes in and says she thought they grew in the ground. Together they go online to find the correct answer. When they do, Anthony declares: “Wow—thanks for helping me get it right.”
Addressing the “lie.” Anthony and Heather tell Olivia that together with her teacher, Ms. Salazar, they are “Team Olivia”. They communicate so they can work together to help her be her best Olivia. (This is the messaging I suggest parents use to explain why parents and teachers talk; not to get kids in trouble, but to collaborate to support them. Otherwise, kids feel like all the adults in their world are talking about them, evaluating them and getting them into trouble.) They spoke to Ms. Salazar to understand what had made the day so difficult for Olivia. They don’t accuse her of lying or even address the untruth head on. Instead, they speak to the underlying challenge that led to the behavior. They show empathy for how hard it is for Olivia when she is corrected; that she was so upset that she wasn’t able to accept the goodie bag. That must have been very disappointing. They also remind Olivia that corrections will happen—that is the job of the adults who care for her and want to help her learn to make good choices.
Retelling the story accurately, with understanding and compassion, is a gentle and effective way to "set the record straight"—to teach the important lesson they want to communicate to Olivia without triggering her shame or defensiveness. They hope this will make it more likely she will feel safe and comfortable telling the truth.
The Outcome
This change in approach results in some big, positive developments:
There is a significant reduction in negative self-talk. Anthony and Heather are very relieved about this; that Olivia may not be internalizing corrections as shaming.
Olivia gets less reactive at being corrected, but there are still times when she deflects or melts down. Anthony and Heather are now comfortable tolerating her discomfort and giving her space to work it through. They resist defending themselves when she blames them which has resulted in these incidents being less intense and frequent.
Olivia now often asks her parents to tell stories of when they made mistakes and had to be corrected. They know this means she is trying to make sense of her own feelings and experiences, which is a good thing.
Olivia is increasingly open to investigating to learn new information and is able to tolerate when she is incorrect. She has taken to saying, “Nobody’s always right!”
For more on how to teach important lessons to kids who can’t tolerate being corrected, check out these blogs: