The Key Steps to Solving Childrearing Challenges: My process revealed
When I’m working with a family to solve their childrearing challenge(s), I guide parents through a process that helps us come up with sensitive effective strategies that empower them to be the loving, connected mom/dad they want to be while setting the clear limits and boundaries that help their kids:
learn to manage their big feelings and self-regulate; to be flexible when things don’t happen the way they want or expect
get through daily tasks and transitions without power struggles
adapt to new situations and challenges
rise to age-appropriate expectations
My goal is for parents to be able to internalize this process and use it to solve the myriad challenges that arise as part of parenting.
My ultimate goal is for parents to internalize this process so they can apply it to solve the myriad challenges that arise as part of parenting.
I hope this process will be helpful to you, too.
1. Be sure the expectation is age- and situation- appropriate. For example: having a 3 yo bring their dishes to the sink after a meal; a 4 yo dressing themselves; a 5 yo being dropped off at an activity without their parent staying.
Establishing accurate expectations is critical because when they are too high, kids and parents are set up for failure; for example, expecting a 3 yo to sit quietly for an hour in church; a 4 yo to manage transitions without advance notice; or, a slow-to-warm 5 yo to run happily into a new Kindergarten class without hesitation.
If the expectation is too low, we are enabling kids, not helping them develop the skills that build confidence and self-esteem. For example, letting a 4 yo be in diapers during the day because they prefer them to using the toilet; or letting a 7 yo quit a fortifying activity they typically enjoy because they can’t tolerate not always being first or the best.
Keep in mind that when establishing expectations, context matters. Your 5 yo might be fully capable of hanging their backpack up and emptying their lunch box, but not the second they arrive home from school because they are fried after a long day. In this situation, an appropriate expectation might be to give them time to chill and refuel with a snack, snuggles, playtime, or screen time for, say, 30 minutes, before expecting them to do these jobs.
2. Identify the root cause of the problem. This helps us come up with the most sensitive and effective strategies because we are addressing the underlying issue at play, not just the behavior.
A 4 yo who insists on wearing diapers is struggling with still wanting to be a baby, especially if there is a new brother/sister in the family. They demand their parents do things for them that they are perfectly capable of doing themselves because they have associated this kind of caregiving with love and attention.
A child who avoids situations that involve competition struggles with fear of failure and is quick to shame.
A child who is inflexible and makes irrational demands feels overwhelmed on the inside so tries to control everything on the outside, as a coping mechanism.
A child who demands her parent stay at a birthday party or activity when it’s supposed to be a drop-off event is struggling with separation anxiety. She doesn’t feel safe unless a parent is present.
3. Ascertain what the child needs versus what they want.
A child might want a parent to do their age-appropriate, self-care tasks for them. What they need is the chance to experience that they are competent and capable, and to see that loving and caring can and will happen, even when they take on bigger kid responsibilities.
A child may want to quit a team to avoid the discomfort of not always being the best. What they need is the chance to muscle through so they can experience their ability to enjoy being part of a team and learn to tolerate imperfection.
A child might want to bend the world to their will—to always feel in control. What they need is to learn to manage when they can’t have what they want exactly the way they want or expect—to build the flexibility and resilience necessary to get along well in the world.
A child might want to cling to their parent at a birthday party of activity, and not let them leave. (But is fine being dropped off at activities when it’s the nanny or grandparent who takes them!) What they need is to see that they can feel safe and enjoy the activity with their friends, without their parents’ presence. (A sign of secure attachment.)
4. Identify what is in the parents’ control to help their child move through a difficult situation, to effect change, that doesn’t rely on the child’s cooperation. Aka, not trying to change the child, but changing the situation.
Instead of bribing, rewarding, threatening, cajoling, nagging, or trying to convince their child to do the thing, a parent might:
No longer dress a child who can do this task themselves and let them go to school in what they’re wearing when it’s time to leave. They pack a set of clothes in their child’s school bag so they can change whenever they choose.
Tell their child that going to the activity they’re avoiding is a “have-to”—that’s a mommy/daddy decision, not a kid decision.
Not changing the breakfast menu, even when their child demands a different option.
Not stay with their child at the birthday party or activity. (Of course, leaving them in good hands with the caregiver in charge.)
5. Establish ways parents can support their children; what tools will help them manage the difficult situation or new limit/expectation.
For the child who refuses to dress themselves, the parent might:
Tell the child in advance what the plan is going to be so they know what to expect.
Give them a “practice week” before setting the new limit, during which the child has lots of opportunities to practice putting their clothes on.
Explain that when they dress themselves, it saves time so mom/dad can read a book before they leave for school.
In the morning, use a visual timer so they can track how much time they have before leaving for school in case they decide they want to get dressed at some point.
For the child who will still be going to the activity they want to quit, the parent might:
Acknowledge and show compassion for their discomfort with not being the best, making the most goals, etc. Explore and normalize these feelings that we all have to learn to cope with.
Watch videos of prominent athletes struggling in a game or working to build their skills to show their child they are not alone—nobody’s perfect.
Be clear that while whether or not to go to an activity is a parent decision, once there, it’s up to them (the child) to choose how/whether to participate. (Often, the more parents try to convince kids to join in, the less likely they are to do so.)
For the child who demands a breakfast option that’s not on the menu, the parent might:
The night before, go over exactly what to expect for breakfast the next day.
Be sure to include options the child typically likes (knowing that while just last week they loved oatmeal, they may proclaim it’s disgusting just a few days later.)
When the child protests and threatens not to eat, acknowledge their displeasure and not try to get them to change their mind. (That’s just fodder for a fight.) Let them know that it’s their body and they get to choose which of the offerings and how much to eat. If they choose to partake, their bodies are likely to feel more comfortable than if they choose not to eat. But that’s up to them.
Most importantly, tolerate their upset.
For the child who begs a parent to stay at a party/activity with them, when they are old enough and capable enough to go on their own, a parent might:
Prepare them for what to expect. Acknowledge their protest/displeasure at your plan not to stay.
Talk with them about their worry versus thinking brain. (See additional resources below)
Help them think through what to expect at the activity and what coping tools they can use.
Follow through with the plan to give their child a chance to see that they can survive and even thrive without mom or dad present—to build that secure attachment, increase their child’s confidence, and create an opportunity for the child to build stronger social skills.