As you know, I am on a mission to help parents experience less stress and more joy with their little ones. It has become very clear from my work in the trenches with families that being comfortable with setting clear limits and boundaries, and implementing them in a way that is loving, is key to achieving this goal. Otherwise, parents are in constant power-struggles with their kids and harboring very negative feelings about them. Nothing feels worse.

It doesn't have to be that way, even with the most intensely reactive kids.

Mastering this skill of setting limits calmly and lovingly often feels elusive and impossible to the moms and dads I work with, when they first come to see me. But this dream has become a reality for so many; they are now in charge in the loving way their children need them to be, and it is truly life-changing for everyone involved.

One of these parents recently asked if I had a cheat-sheet that lays out the key steps to being a loving, limit-setter. While I write extensively on this subject, I realized that I do not have a resource that distills this process down. There's a reason for this: I am not a fan of prescriptive approaches (5 steps to getting your child to sleep; 4 steps to stopping tantrums, and so forth) because they are often formulaic/one-size-fits-all plans that don't take into account all the individual differences in kids and families. And when the system doesn't work, it leaves parents feeling more despairing.

At the same time, I see the value in having an organized way of thinking about how to approach a challenging situation, especially when it is triggering and likely to lead to reactivity, which rarely results in a positive, effective outcome. 

So, in the hopes that it helps you get a promising start to the new year, this edition of the newsletter offers a roadmap for how to respond in difficult moments in a way that is loving and supportive, AND that keeps you in charge by implementing the boundaries children need to learn to cope with life's limits. 

Recently. many parents have recounted stories of giving begging children more time for a desired activity, or giving them multiple chances to correct unacceptable behavior, in the hopes that it will head off a tantrum. But in the end, it backfires.

Let's unpack it.

"Mommy, mommy, pleeeeease, just one more minute (on the tablet...at the playground...playing before bed). I just need ONE MORE MINUTE!"

"Daddy! I need one more chance. I promise I won't (hit my little brother...throw mulch...raid the pantry for a treat) again!"

Children are rarely excited about the end of a fun activity, or about a limit being set on their behavior. So, begging for more time, or a second...third...fourth chance when engaging in unacceptable behavior, is to be expected.

The problem is that giving the extra time or additional chance often backfires, because it teaches your child to negotiate everything, which becomes maddening and exhausting for parents. All the child's energy gets focused on getting more of what they want. One more minute of extra screen time turns quickly into begging for 5 and then 10 more...and then parents are done. They feel manipulated and angry. They flip their lids and resort to yelling and threats. ("It's never enough! If you don't put that tablet down right now, there is no more screen time for a month!") The child melts down (exactly what the parents were trying to avoid), and the whole thing falls apart. Nothing is resolved or learned. Everyone is miserable.

What to do instead?

"My child won't listen" ranks as one of, if not the, most frequent complaints from parents that drive them to schedule a consult. Typical stories include:

Ben (6) has a breakfast bar every morning before school and refuses to throw away the wrapper. He ignores us or outright refuses. We have tried everything to get him to cooperate with this basic rule. We, of course, end up throwing it away. What else are we supposed to do? How do we make him listen?

Kayla (4) refuses to wash her hands before dinner. We have tried rewards, bribes, you name it. Nothing works. She wins every time--her hands just don't get washed. We are so frustrated but are out of tools. How do you make a kid cooperate?

How to get kids to follow directions and make good choices is a topic I have addressed frequently in previous blogs. I am revisiting it here because it speaks to the bane of most parents' existence: the power struggle, which can be eliminated. And, because I have some new insights to share. Even after 30 plus years in the childrearing trenches (my own and with all the families I have had the honor to work with), and having just turned 60!, I am still gaining new understanding about the meaning of kids' behavior and what they need to thrive.

Key Insights

Apologizing to your child when you have reacted harshly to them is very important, for your child, and for you. You are providing a powerful model for taking responsibility for one's actions. It also means that you are willing to step back, reflect and work on your own self-regulation--one of the most necessary and greatest assets that will strengthen your loving and secure attachment to your child. 

But, in my practice, I often see parents apologizing to their children when they have done nothing wrong. A child accuses his mom of playing the game "wrong", meaning he did not like the outcome and lost. Or, dad wasn't first in line at carpool pickup. Or, mom made the pancake the "wrong" way; the shape isn't right. It's not a perfect circle.

In these moments, children are distressed because something doesn't happen the way they expect or want. They have very fixed ideas about the way things should be, and when their expectations are not met, they fall apart. One two-year-old flipped out when her mother wore her hair up. She would insist her mom take it down, which her mom acquiesced to, to relieve the stress.

I met with a family recently with a 23-month-old (whom I'll call Aiden) who is biting. Naturally, the parents (Maritza and Oliver) are very concerned because other families are getting upset at their children being the victims of these bites.

Like many parents who find themselves in this situation, Maritza and Oliver want to do whatever they can to stop the biting. They believe/hope that punishment will end this behavior; that Aiden will want to please them and not get into trouble, which will motivate him to stop this behavior. So they have been using a harsh voice and putting him in time-out, or taking desired toys and activities away.

Meanwhile, Aiden has been walking around the house saying, "No biting. Aiden no bite," throughout the day. Just like us, kids replay experiences over and over that are emotionally-charged, trying to make sense of what it all means. This puts Aiden in a quandary, because what he does understand is that his parents are unhappy with him, but what he does not have is the impulse control to stop himself when he has this urge to bite. This puts him in a very uncomfortable, impossible situation. (It also means that no amount of threats or punishment is likely going to help him stop this behavior.)

As I guide Maritza and Oliver to do the detective work to figure out as best we can what the root cause is of the biting, we identify a pattern: the biting happens when Aiden is triggered into over-arousal. He is happily playing rough-and-tumble with his dad and then, out of nowhere, he chomps into Oliver's arm. Or, he is racing up and down the slide, and after a few rounds of this, sinks his teeth into a child next to him in line.

So, the punishment is not working because:

Time to tackle a thorny issue: what to do when your child is not cooperating with an important limit or transition—a “have-to"—and the only way to ensure that the limit is enforced or that the transition is made is by physically handling her. For example, when your child: refuses to get out of the pool; sits down in the middle of the parking lot in protest because you wouldn't get her the unicorn at Target; is being unsafe and destructive and won't voluntarily go to the calm-down corner; or, keeps coming out of her room at bedtime.

Many parents I have talked to recently are uncomfortable with "manhandling" their child. It feels forceful and harsh, understandably.

Since my job is to help parents thread this seemingly elusive needle of staying calm and connected, while also maintaining clear limits and boundaries to keep their children safe and help them learn to adapt to life's limits and expectations, I have had to grapple with how to best handle these very tense moments. Here is where I have landed. I share my thought process so you see how and why I came up with this approach. You can then decide whether it resonates and feels comfortable for you.

In any given week, I consult with multiple families who are ensconced in battles with their children around bedtime. This includes children running out of their rooms repeatedly after lights out, which sometimes lasts for hours. Parents are exhausted and angry with their kids for causing so much stress. The bedtime routine that should be full of cuddles and connection has become fraught with tumult and tension.

Few (if any) children happily send their parents off at bedtime. Most want to extend their time with you as long as possible to forestall a separation from the people they love the most. Can you blame them? That’s why setting and enforcing limits is almost always necessary for establishing healthy sleep habits. Remember: what children want isn’t always what they need.

Which brings me to a not-so-tiny victory I want to share because it has to do with putting in place a boundary that many parents I talk to are very uncomfortable with: securing a bedroom door closed, which, at a cellular level, feels harsh and harmful.

I hope this story will help you see that setting a clear boundary at bedtime is loving, not mean or neglectful. (All names changed to protect the innocent.)

So many parents I talk to these days are overwhelmed and confused about how to apply all the messages and strategies they get from social media to their specific child and family.⁠ The suggestions sound great in theory, but in practice often don’t work, leaving parents feeling worse—more incompetent than they already felt, and wondering, “What’s wrong with me and my child?”

Previously, I have addressed parents' confusion about time in versus time out—a false dichotomy. It is simply not true, and I will go out on a limb and say it is potentially harmful, to suggest that giving your child and yourself space in a very heated moment, especially when your child is being destructive, is NOT rejection, abandonment, or discounting your child's feelings. It's all in the way you implement the break.
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Here I tackle the confusion around giving children choices.

Working in the trenches everyday with families continues to yield new insights, even after 35 years. One recent, powerful observation is that parents are doing WAY too much when kids are having a having a hard time. As always, this comes from the most loving place: parents don't want to see their children in distress and will do whatever they can to relieve that discomfort.

It also comes from a misinterpretation of messages many of my families have absorbed on social media about the importance of accepting, validating, and being present when kids are distressed. This translates into parents believing they are harming their children—sending them the message that their feelings don't matter and they are alone—if they are not constantly by their side, repeating empathetic phrases to show they understand, or trying to get their child to talk about his feelings. This has become equated in their minds with abandoning their child in his time of need.

Just yesterday I talked to a mom who is very confused about how to best support her 5-year-old who is a very big reactor and has major meltdowns, especially when screen time is over. She calls it “Groundhog’s Day”: despite implementing the same plan day after day—their son chooses a show and they turn it off when it’s over, they don’t cave and stick to the limit—he has a huge tantrum every single time. She is doing everything “right”—she stays calm and validates his feelings—but at some point she needs to tend to her two other children (3 yo and a baby), and worries, based on what she has read, that it is harmful to her son to not be by his side for the entire duration of his meltdown.

Every week I hear from multiple parents who have done great work setting clear limits in a loving way, but are concerned that their limits are wrong or not working because their child continues to protest and not accept the boundary, even after parents repeatedly follow through and don't cave on the limit or get drawn into a protracted power struggle.

The mindshift to make is that the goal is not to get your child to like, agree with, or accept the limit, or even to change his behavior—something you have no control over. 

The true purpose of the limit is to stay in charge in the positive way your child needs you to be, and to avoid the pernicious power struggle that is so detrimental and destructive to both kids and parents. 

Take the case of Ari, who was coming in and out of his room for hours after lights-out. When his parents, Jen and Arash, stopped trying to coax, reward, bribe or threaten Ari to agree to stay in his room—none of which had been successful—they put a boundary on his door. But Ari continued to scream at the top of his lungs for 5 to 10 minutes every night before falling asleep, even though they stuck to the plan and did not react to his shouting for them. (They did walk by his room periodically to whisper a soothing mantra to assure him they were still there and all was right with the world. More on approaches to setting up loving sleep plans can be found here.) Jen and Arash worried that Ari's continued upset and protests meant that the limit wasn't working or was harmful. 

Au contraire. Let's look at all the positive outcomes of this limit:

"You can do hard things.” This motivational mantra (with props, I believe, to Glennon Doyle?) is one I hear invoked often when trying to get kids to muscle through challenges. But it is just as important for parents. Because, it turns out that to help our kids persist at something hard or uncomfortable, we also need to build some muscle, ourselves, as the stories below show.

These not-so-tiny victories are the result of a heavy dose of emotional regulation on the part of these moms and dads. You will see how they were able to thread that seemingly elusive needle of supporting versus enabling their children; how they found a way to be empathetic in difficult moments while not "rescuing" their children, and in so doing created powerful opportunities for them to develop greater resilience and a stronger sense of their own competence—a gift that will keep on giving.

I hope these stories will be an inspiration and will help you find your own way to support your child's healthiest functioning.

Having a child who is slow-to-warm-up and hesitant to try new things can be very challenging for parents. It triggers your own anxiety—especially if you are more extroverted by nature and admire kids who are "go-getters."

⁠A common reaction is to act as a cheerleader to convince your child he can do it. You know that your child would love soccer but he resists participating, so you regale him with, “But you're great at soccer. You will love the class.” Your child shows hesitation about going to school, so you try to persuade him with: “The teachers in this school are so nice. And the room has so many amazing toys. You are going to have so much fun!” 

The problem is that while you have the best of intentions, trying to cajole kids to participate when they are feeling anxious often makes them feel worse. It amplifies the shame they are already experiencing about not doing the activity other kids are enjoying. This is especially true for highly sensitive children (HSC) who tend to be more self-conscious. Having attention focused on them, especially when they feel they are being evaluated or judged, can be uncomfortable and exacerbate their stress.

Also keep in mind that children (especially HSC) are very tuned into the underlying motives of their parents. They see right through you. They are keenly tuned in to what you want from them—what will make you happy. Looking at it through the lens of logic, you might think that your child would be motivated by wanting to please you and would change his behavior accordingly.

Instead, what I find is that the pressure kids experiences when they sense how invested you are in their performance is stifling, not motivating. They have to cope with the risk of disappointing you when they won't jump into the pool to join the class with the other kids, or when they resist joining in the scrum at the birthday party. It becomes a relationship issue that is fraught with tension. This makes it less likely your child will feel confident to take a risk and tackle a new challenge.⁠ ⁠

5 Steps That Support Kids To Try New Things

“I am so stupid.”

“Nobody likes me.”

“You hate me. You don’t want me in this family.”

Children making negative proclamations about themselves is no doubt very distressing and disturbing. It is painful to think about your child feeling badly about himself. Of all the challenges parents face in trying their best to understand and support their children's development, this one causes the most distress and worry, understandably.

It is also a very complex phenomenon that can be hard to fully comprehend, because we can't be in our children's brains and know exactly why they are saying something so alarming—what they are experiencing and trying to communicate.

It is important to keep in mind that in these moments, children rarely mean exactly what they say. They are in a highly-charged state, flooded with big emotions that are difficult to experience and process. What they are actually struggling with may not be readily apparent to us OR to them. But it’s important that we seek to understand the underlying issues at play, and, most importantly, what our child needs in order to work through the distress the proclamations represent.

This requires us to manage our own anxiety in these moments. Big reactions from us can overwhelm children and shut them down. Staying calm, and reminding yourself that your child feeling safe to share his deepest feelings with you is a gift, will enable you to be present for your child in the way he needs you to be. It will also help you tune in to what he is communicating and what need he may be trying to fulfill through these distressing statements, and respond in the most sensitive way to help your child work through these difficult feelings and experiences—the ultimate goal.

WHY CHILDREN ENGAGE IN NEGATIVE SELF-TALK

For many parents, having a child who is slow-to-warm-up and hesitant to try new things triggers your own anxiety—especially if you are more extroverted by nature and admire kids who are "go-getters." ⁠A common reaction is to act as a cheerleader to convince your child he can do it. You know that your child would love soccer but he resists participating, so you regale him with, “But you're great at soccer. You will love the class.” Your child shows hesitation about going to school, so you try to persuade him with: “The teachers in this school are so nice. And the room has so many amazing toys. You are going to have so much fun!” 

The problem is that while you have the best of intentions, trying to cajole kids to participate when they are feeling anxious often makes them feel worse. It amplifies the shame they are already experiencing about not doing the activity other kids are enjoying. This is especially true for highly sensitive (HS) kids who tend to be more self-conscious. Having attention focused on them, especially when they feel they are being evaluated or judged, can be uncomfortable and exacerbate their stress.

One of the greatest challenges in parenting is that strategies that make total sense from your adult perspective and that are intended to be helpful to your child are not perceived that way and so backfire. Forcing/demanding children make eye contact when you are talking to them is one of these paradoxes. It feels impolite/rude/disrespectful not to look you in the eye when you are trying to communicate with your child. Or, you fear that not making eye contact means your child is tuning you out and won't take in the information you are trying to communicate to him.

The problem is that often the reason children avoid eye contact is because they are trying to protect themselves from uncomfortable feelings. These are often situations in which you are giving your child a direction or correction which you intend as being helpful but which he experiences as criticism; that he didn't do something right and feels ashamed about it. Looking you in the eye in these moments feels overwhelming. So forcing or demanding he do so only increases his stress and makes it more likely he will get further dysregulated (laugh, become silly, run or turn away), or just shut down. (My most productive conversations with my son were when he was bouncing a basketball. My initial reaction was, "Put that ball down and look at me when I talk am talking to you", but then realized that bouncing the ball was soothing to him and made it more likely he would process what I was trying to communicate.)

I had this "aha" moment while viewing a video parents sent me last week that showed their 2-year-old (whom I'll call Bella) melting down because her mom, Jenny, wouldn't take her hair out of a braid. ⁠Yes, you read that right. Fierce little ones like Bella are so keenly tuned into everything. It's like they don't have a filter. They get flooded trying to make sense of everything they are taking in and processing so they create strict rules to impose order on and feel in control of a world that can feel overwhelming. They may dictate where people can sit, how loud the music can be, what color bowl their cereal should come in, what clothes they will and will not wear, or how close the chicken can be to the carrots on their dinner plate—seemingly irrational demands—that are all coping mechanisms these kids use to control their environment.

If you have a big reactor, manage your expectations. In recent weeks I have been hearing a common theme from parents: they feel they are doing something wrong and failing because they can't seem to prevent their children's epic meltdowns. They are doing all the "right" things that they have read about: validating emotions and offering calming tools like deep-belly breathing and bear hugs. Not only aren't these tools working, in many cases, anything they try seems to escalate, not reduce, their children's distress. These parents feel like total failures. At the same time they are very concerned about what seems to be such outsized reactions from their children.

As the holidays are swiftly upon us, many parents I work with are feeling very anxious, not excited, about getting together with their families. For most of these moms and dads, their trepidation is because they have children who are big reactors and/or are slow-to-warm-up by nature:

• They have trouble with transitions.

• They crave predictability and don’t like change. They want to stay in their comfort-zone and have a hard time adapting in new situations.

• They are especially overwhelmed by large group gatherings.

This trifecta can result in a range of challenging behaviors: children may retreat and resist participating; or, they get revved up and reactive and melt down on a dime. Both of these scenarios are very stressful for parents. They are embarrassed by their children's behavior, especially when there are nieces and nephews around who are outgoing, angels—charming and compliant. The comparisons, even if not voiced aloud, are palpable; for example, when their sister's kid is eagerly recounting for grandma and grandpa all the fun things she's doing at school while your child is under the table, moping. These parents feel judged and misunderstood: that they have a bad kid and are bad parents who don't know how to control their children.

Understandably, parents go into these situations with a heavy dose of anticipatory stress. Their sensitive, big reactors pick up on their tension which begets more of the challenging behaviors. Add to this the radar these kids have for sensing that others in the family are having negative feelings about them, and, in short, it's a sh*t show.

Tips for reducing the stress of family get-togethers