The Beauty of Boundaries at Bedtime: When securing a door is loving, not harmful

In any given week, I consult with multiple families who are ensconced in battles with their children around bedtime. This includes children running out of their rooms repeatedly after lights out, which sometimes lasts for hours. Parents are exhausted and angry with their kids for causing so much stress. The bedtime routine that should be full of cuddles and connection has become fraught with tumult and tension.

Few (if any) children happily send their parents off at bedtime. Most want to extend their time with you as long as possible to forestall a separation from the people they love the most. Can you blame them? That’s why setting and enforcing limits is almost always necessary for establishing healthy sleep habits. Remember: what children want isn’t always what they need.

Which brings me to a not-so-tiny victory I want to share because it has to do with putting in place a boundary that many parents I talk to are very uncomfortable with: securing a bedroom door closed, which, at a cellular level, feels harsh and harmful.

I hope this story will help you see that setting a clear boundary at bedtime is loving, not mean or neglectful. (All names changed to protect the innocent.)

Jacob (3 1/2) moved into a toddler bed when he turned three. Since that time, bedtime has become miserable. He won't stay in his room after lights-out, running in and out of the room, demanding food, water, more cuddles, and so on. The one time of day that his parents, Katrina and Peter, look forward to—when they have time to slow down and connect with Jacob— is now full of frustration, anger and resentment. They aren't even enjoying cuddling up with books together because they are on pins and needles anticipating the fallout to come. They have tried everything to get Jacob to agree to stay in his room. Nothing has worked. Eliciting a big reaction from his mom and dad, plus, experiencing the heady power of being a toddler in charge, supersedes any threat made or reward offered to stay in his room and get to sleep.

When I first raise the idea of putting a boundary on the door, Katrina and Peter wince. They never imagined they would be "locking" their child in his room. Then I remind them that Jacob was safe and cozy in his crib (behind bars!) for three years, and they all loved it. It provided a secure boundary that enabled Katrina and Peter to stay calm and loving when they said "goodnight" (what Jacob needs most), and enabled him to focus on falling asleep. Further, they see how detrimental these protracted power struggles are, and that their most joyful time with Jacob has become fraught with stress and very negative feelings about their son.

This new perspective helps them feel comfortable with finding a way to secure Jacob in his room; that this limit will be helpful, not harmful.

They explain the new plan to Jacob. They will read two books, sing two songs, and then have five minutes to go over all the things he needs before lights-out: arranging his books on the shelves, just-so; asking mommy one more question and telling daddy one more thing; and yet another visit to the potty (all the typical obfuscations to delay bedtime). Finally, there will be 10 minutes of cozy cuddle time before the final goodnight when they say their special mantra that signals it's bedtime. They explain clearly that at that point, Jacob has two great choices: he stays in his room and the door can stay cracked open; or he comes out of his room and they escort him back in, close the door, and stay on the other side to assure him that they are still there but they won't be coming back in until his "okay to wake" clock turns green in the morning.

The first night they implement the plan, Jacob comes running out immediately after Katrina says "goodnight.” She carries him back in as calmly as possible, helping him follow the rule. She hugs him even as he is squirming to try to run out of the room again. She exits, closes the door securely and sits on the other side, against the door. Jacob starts screaming the following, verbatim: "You are not allowed to be my mommy anymore. I am going to throw you in the trash, tie the lid down and light it on fire." (Katrina emails me at this point, asking if she is raising a sociopath. I didn't see the email until morning but she had stayed the course. We had discussed not reacting to any vitriol Jacob has been known to hurl when he doesn't like a limit they are setting. More on that topic can be found in this blog.) Katrina just continues humming a soothing tune on the other side of the door to assure Jacob that all is right with the world and to show that she trusts he will be able to calm himself to sleep.

After about 15 minutes, Jacob calms and calls out to Katrina to ask her to come in and say goodnight. She enters, and as she leans down to hug him, he says: "Okay, you can still be my mommy and I won't throw you in the garbage." (Another example of why the best response to vitriol is to completely ignore it.)

By the third night of implementing this new plan, the protests end and bedtime goes back to being the joyful, connected time they all need at the end of a long day, not to mention that Jacob gets more of the sleep he needs and Katrina and Peter can count on time to re-connect with each other, and to refuel themselves.

For more on how to establish a healthy, loving bedtime routine with appropriate boundaries, and how to troubleshoot typical challenges that arise at bedtime, check out these blogs.

There is also a full chapter on sleep in my book, Why Is My Child In Charge?