A Roadmap To Setting Limits With Love
As you know, I am on a mission to help parents experience less stress and more joy with their little ones. It has become very clear from my work in the trenches with families that being comfortable with setting clear limits and boundaries, and implementing them in a way that is loving, is key to achieving this goal. Otherwise, parents are in constant power-struggles with their kids and harboring very negative feelings about them. Nothing feels worse.
It doesn't have to be that way, even with the most intensely reactive kids.
Mastering this skill of setting limits calmly and lovingly often feels elusive and impossible to the moms and dads I work with, when they first come to see me. But this dream has become a reality for so many; they are now in charge in the loving way their children need them to be, and it is truly life-changing for everyone involved.
One of these parents recently asked if I had a cheat-sheet that lays out the key steps to being a loving, limit-setter. While I write extensively on this subject, I realized that I do not have a resource that distills this process down. There's a reason for this: I am not a fan of prescriptive approaches (5 steps to getting your child to sleep; 4 steps to stopping tantrums, and so forth) because they are often formulaic/one-size-fits-all plans that don't take into account all the individual differences in kids and families. And when the system doesn't work, it leaves parents feeling more despairing.
At the same time, I see the value in having an organized way of thinking about how to approach a challenging situation, especially when it is triggering and likely to lead to reactivity, which rarely results in a positive, effective outcome.
So, in the hopes that it helps you get a promising start to the new year, this edition of the newsletter offers a roadmap for how to respond in difficult moments in a way that is loving and supportive, AND that keeps you in charge by implementing the boundaries children need to learn to cope with life's limits.
1) Manage your overall mindset about challenging moments with your child.
You have a great kid having a hard time. They are not misbehaving on purpose. Whatever expectation you have, be it that they will stay in their room at lights-out, accept not getting a toy at the store, clean up their toys, cooperate with getting into the car to go to preschool—they are unable to meet that expectation in that moment. They are not trying to work your last nerve or mortify you in public. They need compassion, support and boundaries to make a transition or accept a limit.
You can't control your child. You can control the situation. The more you focus on trying to change your child’s behavior, the more likely they are to dig in their heels to gain power and show you are not the boss of them. What you do control is the situation, by how you scaffold and provide supportive structure for your child. This mindshift will help you focus your attention and actions on what you can do that is within your power to help your child follow a direction or limit, that does not depend on their cooperation.
2) Set the limit clearly: "We are going to leave your friend's house now." "It is time to put the toys away." "Screen time is over." Clarity is king. Kids like to know exactly what to expect. You are not being mean or a dictator by being clear about the plan. It shows you trust that your child can learn to manage the disappointment; that you don't have to mince words or pussyfoot around it to try to minimize the impact. More often than not, lack of clarity leads to endless bargaining and negotiation.
3) Validate your child’s experience/feelings about the limit being set. “I know it’s really hard to leave your friend’s house. You have such a fun time playing together.”
4) State affirmatively that you don’t expect them to agree or be happy about the limit. "I know you are unhappy that we have to go. You love your friend and had so much fun. I don't expect you to be happy about it. Ending a fun time is hard.”
Why is it important to say out loud that you don’t expect your child to like the limit? Because I often see parents trying to convince their children to agree with/accept the plan. Children pick up on the fact that the limit is dependent on their agreement. Being the strategic humans that they are, they focus all of their energy on showing you just how against this plan they are, hoping to derail you from following through on the limit you are trying to set. When you show that you are okay with their not liking the limit, that in fact you empathize with them about this and are not trying to change their mind, it diffuses the power of the protest or tantrum. You are not afraid of it, you expect and can handle it. (This blog goes deep into this dynamic.)
5) Help your child follow the limit by offering “two great choices.” You can get into the stroller/car seat/walk holding my hand on your own, or I will be a helper and get you into the stroller to keep you safe and help you make this transition.” Option 1 is always the decision to cooperate; Option 2 is an action you can take to ensure the limit is implemented. (This blog goes deep on how to use the “two great choices.”)
6) Implement the limit. If your child isn't able to or chooses not to cooperate with the limit, follow through with Option 2. You know the importance of the follow-through. Take away the toy when they are not able to stop throwing or using it inappropriately (after, of course, giving them a chance to use it correctly!) Get them into the car seat as calmly as possible when they are running away. Lock the sweets in a cabinet so they can’t gain access to them at will.
7) Expect protests and meltdowns, and for things to get worse before they get better. Some kids will go to incredible lengths to try to get you to go back to the old ways, to do the old dance. If your child is used to protests and meltdowns that result in drawing you into a power struggle or getting you to change your mind, they redouble their efforts to see if this new system/limit will, indeed, hold.
But if you stay the course, calmly and clearly, things start to get better. Once your child sees that you are staying firm, no matter their efforts to derail you, they start accepting the limit. Constantly fighting for leverage—when they are faced with the big black hole that exists when there is no clear boundary—is exhausting for kids. When the expectations and boundaries are clear and consistent, and meted out calmly, it makes kids feel safe and regulated and they are better able to adapt.
When they do protest, it's best to validate their discontent and give them space to recover. Less is more in these moments. (See: Why working too hard to calm your child often backfires)
8) Save discussions about difficult moments for times when your child is calm and regulated. You have heard from me, and many other folks you follow, that when kids are in "red zone", their brains are flooded with stress and they cannot think clearly. Trying to get them to reflect on the challenging experience—to talk about feelings and problem-solve in the heat-of-the-moment—is an unrealistic expectation for most kids.
When children are back in a calm state, they may have the bandwidth to reflect on and process their experiences, and to brainstorm strategies for coping in the future; for example, plan for an activity they will do after screen time has to end; make a list of the foods you will be getting at the grocery store (with photos if you want to go all out) that your child helps you locate on the shelves as a way to positively engage them and head off wandering away from you or begging for snack foods. (In my book I offer a boatload of prevention strategies.)
But also keep in mind that even in these calmer moments, some kids will resist talking about the challenging experience. It feels overwhelming and dredges up difficult feelings they are not interested in revisiting. In that case, avoid pushing it. That can lead to children getting defensive, shutting down, and preemptively resisting future attempts to process difficult moments. Instead, simply acknowledge the tough situation and let them know that you are always there for them to think these situations through. All feelings are welcome, when they are ready.
Another option that can be very effective is to tell your child that you have some thoughts about the difficult situation that you'd like to share. They don't need to talk or have a discussion, just listen. It gives you a chance to show empathy, and that you aren't judging or criticizing them, or trying to talk them out of their feelings. "It is really hard to lose. Your feelings were so big that your body took over and you messed up the board. We gave you a break to help you cool down. Learning to be okay with losing took me a long time. I had to work hard to accept losing because I wanted to be able to have fun playing games with my friends and family. That's something I can help you with too, when you are ready." Some children are responsive to this. I think it's because it feels less intrusive and that they feel less pressured to participate in the discussion, and so are more open.
Putting it all together: What it looks like in practice
Bianca and Jordan are concerned that their son, Jason (4), is “addicted” to the screen. He asks for it all day long. They are completely worn out battling with him over this.
We meet and discuss what they feel is an appropriate amount of screen time for Jason. Here is how Bianca and Jordan implement the steps in their own way:
Before they talk with Jason, they remind themselves that he is a great kid who loves screens and is naturally going to be upset about any limits on them. It would be unrealistic for them to expect he would be happy about their new rules, and they will not go down the path of trying to convince him about why this is such a great idea.
In a quiet, not heat-of-the, moment, they share the following with Jason: “We know how much you love watching shows and playing games on the tablet, and that it never feels like you have enough time. But it’s mommy and daddy’s job to make rules about screen time. And we have decided that you will get one hour a day.” Jason immediately starts protesting, saying they can’t do that. They’re not allowed. They are mean. Then he proceeds to make all sorts of threats about how he is never going to do anything else if he can’t watch at least three shows a day. Bianca and Jordan don’t react. They just listen. When he quiets, they acknowledge his displeasure with this rule and reiterate that they don’t expect him to like it. They don’t try to talk him out of his feelings. They tell him if he needs to be upset about it, they understand and accept that.
They had reminded Jason of the rule before his screen time started, and had helped him think about what he might do when his screen time was done, hoping this would help him be sanguine when they ultimately took the screen away. Nonetheless, Jason loses it when they implement the limit. They acknowledge how hard it is to end screen time, and let him know has two great choices: Option 1 is he can give them back the tablet; Option 2 is they will take the tablet from him, as uncomfortable as that may feel for all of them. He holds onto the tablet more fiercely. They peel it away from him as calmly as possible and put it somewhere completely out of his reach. Jason throws himself on the ground. They let him know they are happy to help him find something else to do when he is ready, and then give him space. Once he sees that they are not going to stay engaged around this or try to make it all better, he calms and is able to move on.
Indeed, it doesn’t always go this smoothly. It may take a long time for a child to accept the limit, and in the process they may become destructive. Here are other blogs to check out that address these factors/phenomena:
What to do when setting limits gets physical
The lowdown on limits
All blogs on: Limit-setting and preventing power struggles