When Going Home for the Holidays Is More Stressful Than Joyful
As the holidays are swiftly upon us, many parents I work with are feeling very anxious, not excited, about getting together with their families. For most of these moms and dads, their trepidation is because they have children who are big reactors and/or are slow-to-warm-up by nature:
They have trouble with transitions.
They crave predictability and don’t like change. They want to stay in their comfort-zone and have a hard time adapting in new situations.
They are especially overwhelmed by large group gatherings.
This trifecta can result in a range of challenging behaviors: children may retreat and resist participating; or, they get revved up and reactive and melt down on a dime. Both of these scenarios are very stressful for parents. They are embarrassed by their children's behavior, especially when there are nieces and nephews around who are outgoing, angels—charming and compliant. The comparisons, even if not voiced aloud, are palpable; for example, when their sister's kid is eagerly recounting for grandma and grandpa all the fun things she's doing at school while your child is under the table, moping. These parents feel judged and misunderstood: that they have a bad kid and are bad parents who don't know how to control their children.
Understandably, parents go into these situations with a heavy dose of anticipatory stress. Their sensitive, big reactors pick up on their tension which begets more of the challenging behaviors. Add to this the radar these kids have for sensing that others in the family are having negative feelings about them, and, in short, it's a sh*t show.
Tips for reducing the stress of family get-togethers
Make some important mindshifts: You would not be alone if the tape that often plays in your head sounds something like this: "Why does my child have to be so damn difficult and make it so mortifying for me all the time? What's wrong with him? Why can't he be like the other kids and just have fun? I am so angry and resentful that he makes me feel like a horrible parent. I just want at least one uninterrupted hour of peace and connection with my family." And, the most painful: "He makes me not like being a parent."
These are thoughts I hear from parents everyday. They are ashamed of these feelings about their children, and of the resentment they harbor toward other moms and dads (and in this case, their sisters/brothers) who have easy kids and make parenting look like all joy and no stress. Please don't judge or berate yourself. You are human. These kids are very triggering, and parenting them is harder. Period. (This blog provides in-depth guidance on understanding and supporting highly sensitive children.)
The important mindshift to make is that you have a good kid who has trouble in these situations that he comes by honestly, based on his temperament. Kids who are wired to be big reactors have a harder time being adaptable and flexible than less intense. go-with-the-flow kids. When they are overwhelmed by the demands of these social situations, their coping mechanisms are compromised and they lose it more easily. Or, they shut down. They resist making eye contact, they refuse to greet or engage with anyone, and are seen as being "unfriendly" or worse, "rude."
You are not a bad parent because you have a child who has a hard time with emotional regulation. Remember this as you enter these situations. This change in mindset will position you to handle these family gatherings in a way that can reduce stress for you and your child.
Talk to family in advance. Start out by acknowledging their experience. This will make it more likely they will listen and be open to the perspective you share and want them to respect:
"I know it can be hard to be around Sylvie when we are together as a family. She has a lot of meltdowns and has a hard time being flexible. I know that can make it stressful for everyone."
“I know you feel rejected and hurt when Charlie won’t greet you and resists engaging. It's uncomfortable for me too."
Then share your perspective, along the lines of:
"Sylvie is an intense little girl who gets very overstimulated in high-intensity environments like group gatherings. She is wired to process her feelings and experiences more deeply. It's like she doesn't have a filter, she absorbs everything, so she gets overwhelmed more quickly and melts down, or becomes demanding and controlling to try to impose some order on the world when she is feeling out of control. We are working on ways to help her cope in these challenging situations. And we need your understanding and support. I know you want to help. The best way to do that is to give us space to work it out with her and not have the pressure of worrying about being judged or that she's ruining everything."
"Charlie is a slow-to-warm-up kid by nature. He is an observer and needs to time to watch to familiarize (or refamiliarize) himself before he is comfortable engaging. It isn't personal and it's not a reflection of how he feels about you. What we've learned is that it's helpful to give him space and not to pursue him; to let him know you're so glad to see him and can't wait to connect when he's ready."
Let your child know exactly what to expect. Tell him where you are going, who will be there, what the game plan is. Look at photos of family members he hasn't seen in awhile. Recall any fond memories of spending time with family. Knowing what to expect can reduce a lot of anxiety.
Resist lecturing or threatening your child ("If you have a meltdown..." ) on how important it is for him to "behave" when at Nana's or Auntie's house. Or, how he has to greet and show interest in his elders and play nicely with his cousins. These kinds of warnings set a negative tone and put kids on edge. They sense your anxiety which only increases the likelihood they will have a hard time at the gathering.
Instead, start with empathy. If you have a slow-to-warm-up child, acknowledge that greeting people can feel overwhelming, and be clear that you will never force him to kiss, hug, or even say "hello" (which, by the way, you can't force anyway since it's her voice!) For big reactors, acknowledge that big gatherings can make her feel revved-up and make it hard for her to feel calm and make good choices with her voice and her body.
Brainstorm strategies for coping:
For a slow-to-warm-up child, options for greeting might be to wave, blow a kiss, make a drawing to give to them upon arrival (that you may have to hand over if your child is hesitant), or, to bring a favorite book or toy to share with them. You will have explained to your family that your child will need time to engage, that you have given him some alternative ways to greet people, and that it's best to give him space versus pursuing him which will likely make him more reticent and resistant. It may help to hand your mom/dad one of your child's favorite books and suggest they start reading. That can be a "soft opening" that draws your child to them.
For big reactors, who are more likely to "act-out", make a plan for how you will help them in difficult moments. Anticipate likely triggers, for example, having to sit at the dinner table. You might establish a minimum amount of time for staying for the meal and bring a toy from home your child can play with quietly on the side. You might come up with a cue word to signal to your child that you see she is starting to get agitated and to make unsafe choices. When you say, "bananahead" (a recent client's cue-word choice), it means it's time to pause and problem-solve. This is a nice way to show your child that you are on her side, you want to help her stay with the group in a positive way. It might be time to take a walk or give your child a break. You can set your child up in a quiet space with some portable books/toys you've brought from home. (Read-along audio books can be great in these situations.)
Most importantly, avoid shaming your child. "Why can't you share nicely with your cousins?" "Stop bossing everyone around. Nobody is going to want to play with you." "Why won't you just go play with the other kids?" These responses are personal put-downs that increase children's negative feelings about themselves which leads to further dysregulation and acting-out. It also sends the message to your child that you are unhappy with and disappointed in her, which increases her anxiety and distress.. When kids feel bad about themselves on the inside, they act "bad" on the outside. Instead, position yourself as a problem-solving partner:
"Two kids, one truck! How can we solve this problem?"
"It sounds like your cousins want to have a say in what role they play in the game. Can I help you guys figure out how you might take turns?"
"It can be hard to join in with your cousins whom you haven't seen for awhile. Let me know if you want my help to find a way to play with them that's comfortable for you."
I hope these strategies result in less stress and more joy with your little ones this holiday season.