Why Giving "One More Chance" Backfires
Recently. many parents have recounted stories of giving begging children more time for a desired activity, or giving them multiple chances to correct unacceptable behavior, in the hopes that it will head off a tantrum. But in the end, it backfires.
Let's unpack it.
"Mommy, mommy, pleeeeease, just one more minute (on the tablet...at the playground...playing before bed). I just need ONE MORE MINUTE!"
"Daddy! I need one more chance. I promise I won't (hit my little brother...throw mulch...raid the pantry for a treat) again!"
Children are rarely excited about the end of a fun activity, or about a limit being set on their behavior. So, begging for more time, or a second...third...fourth chance when engaging in unacceptable behavior, is to be expected.
The problem is that giving the extra time or additional chance often backfires, because it teaches your child to negotiate everything, which becomes maddening and exhausting for parents. All the child's energy gets focused on getting more of what they want. One more minute of extra screen time turns quickly into begging for 5 and then 10 more...and then parents are done. They feel manipulated and angry. They flip their lids and resort to yelling and threats. ("It's never enough! If you don't put that tablet down right now, there is no more screen time for a month!") The child melts down (exactly what the parents were trying to avoid), and the whole thing falls apart. Nothing is resolved or learned. Everyone is miserable.
What to do instead?
Be clear about the limit (ideally, in advance): Let your child know exactly what to expect. "You will have 30 minutes of screen time." "We will only be getting growing foods at the store today, no treats." "We will have 3 books tonight before lights out." Being clear about expectations is helpful and loving, not dictatorial or harmful. This is one major reason kids are more regulated at school. Teachers are not negotiating with kids. They are letting them know exactly what the plan is and kids love it.
I know one popular strategy is to give children the illusion of choice, by asking, "Do you need/want 20 minutes or 30 minutes of screen time?" If that works, great. The reason I hesitate to suggest this tactic is that the feisty kids who cross my transom tend to respond with something along the lines of: "I need an hour!" Once you open up the specter of choice, they exploit whatever opportunity they see (because they are very strategic, not manipulative!)
There is definitely a place for choices. Your child can choose, for example, what they watch (within limits) or perhaps what time of day they do their screen time, but be careful about which choices you offer so you don't find yourself in a power struggle. Clear limits are not harmful, protracted power struggles are.
Acknowledge that it will never feel like enough: "I know it doesn't feel like enough screen time/playground time/book time/sweets. But these are mommy/daddy decisions we make to keep you healthy. We don't expect you to like our rules or agree with them." (This diffuses the power of the protest. You are letting your child know you expect it and are not troubled by it.)
When it comes to limits on unacceptable behavior:
Provide one chance for a redo, not multiple. "I can't let you throw blocks. It's dangerous. I can help you find something you can throw safely. If you throw blocks again I will need to move you away from them." If your child continues with the unsafe behavior, follow through. Giving multiple warnings opens up a black hole for your child and often leads to more testing the limits and dysregulation. Boundaries are loving.
Let your child know when they will have another chance: "You're having a hard time right now following the rule. I'm going to help you be safe right now. After lunch you can try again."
For more on how to be a loving limit-setter, check out the blogs on preventing power struggles in this link.