When NOT To Give Choices
So many parents I talk to these days are overwhelmed and confused about how to apply all the messages and strategies they get from social media to their specific child and family. The suggestions sound great in theory, but in practice often don’t work, leaving parents feeling worse—more incompetent than they already felt, and wondering, “What’s wrong with me and my child?”
Previously, I have addressed parents' confusion about time in versus time out—a false dichotomy. It is simply not true, and I will go out on a limb and say it is potentially harmful, to suggest that giving your child and yourself space in a very heated moment, especially when your child is being destructive, is NOT rejection, abandonment, or discounting your child's feelings. It's all in the way you implement the break.
Here I tackle the confusion around giving children choices.
Of course, offering choices is critical. It helps children feel a sense of agency and empowerment, often results in more cooperation, and helps them learn to make good decisions as they grow. Indeed, giving kids "two great choices" is a strategy I find very effective for avoiding power struggles and helping parents stay in charge in a positive, loving way.
But giving choices isn't ALWAYS helpful to children; for example, when they are spiraling out of control and completely dysregulated. In these moments, their brains are flooded with stress and they can't think clearly, so giving choices feels overwhelming. It's like a big black hole that they get completely lost in, leading to further decompensation, not regulation/organization:
—I want mommy to read...no daddy....no mommy!
—I want the red shirt...no not that one! No, I said I want a dress!
—You need to fix my blankets...no, not that way!...No, that's too crinkly!!!!
In these moments, your child needs more boundaries to end the madness and help him calm and adapt. Offering more choices is a perilous path to nowhere that is not at all helpful to him when he is completely out of sorts (aka verklempt!)
These are the times when what feels "mean" is loving. Your child is unlikely to be happy with or thank you for the boundary, but consult after consult I hear from parents that when they stop trying to get their child to get with the program by giving her endless choices, and set a clear limit, their child calms and moves on in a much more positive way in the end.
"I know you want mommy to read to you, but it's a daddy reading night. I am going to read two books. I would love for you to sit and look at the pictures with me but that's up to you."
"I see it's really hard this morning to choose your clothes. No problem, I'll put some in your backpack and you can change at school if you decide to do that."
"We are going to have a practice session this afternoon to help you learn how to adjust the blankets just the way you like. Then, at bedtime, I will tuck you in one time. If you don't like the way I do it, or you get up and they get messed up, it's your job to fix them on your own. You are totally capable of that and I have full confidence that you'll figure it out."
Yes, there may be meltdowns initially when you set and hold the boundary, but it ultimately leads to adaptation.
For more on how and when to give choices, and what to do when your child rejects the choices and proclaims something along the lines of, "I don't like the choices you're choicing me!", check out this blog.