When NOT To Say "I'm Sorry" To Your Child

I had this "aha" moment while viewing a video parents sent me last week that showed their 2-year-old (whom I'll call Bella) melting down because her mom, Jenny, wouldn't take her hair out of a braid. ⁠Yes, you read that right. Fierce little ones like Bella are so keenly tuned into everything. It's like they don't have a filter. They get flooded trying to make sense of everything they are taking in and processing so they create strict rules to impose order on and feel in control of a world that can feel overwhelming. They may dictate where people can sit, how loud the music can be, what color bowl their cereal should come in, what clothes they will and will not wear, or how close the chicken can be to the carrots on their dinner plate—seemingly irrational demands—that are all coping mechanisms these kids use to control their environment.

(Bear with me—I promise this will circle back to the ultimate insight I am getting to.)

Jenny had been acquiescing to Bella's hairstyle demands, thinking what's the big deal, she just wants her daughter to be happy. But as we explore further, Jenny and her husband, Jordan, begin to see this as part of a larger dynamic that is becoming more prevalent and problematic. Bella is making more and more rigid demands about every step of their daily routines, such as how her owl babies are organized before bed—which can take up to 30 minutes—and insisting that she always go down the steps first in the morning, making them all go back up and start over if someone else precedes her. They begin to see that adapting to Bella in this way, which in the moment feels loving, is not helping her be flexible. They are also finding themselves getting very frustrated and short with her due to her increasing need for (seemingly irrational) rituals that are controlling their daily lives.

⁠With this insight, Jenny realizes that what would be most loving would be to help Bella see Jenny as the trusted, adored mom she is no matter what her hair looks like. ⁠So when Bella insists Jenny take her hair down, Jenny replies, "I know, you like mommy's hair down, but mommy gets to decide how to wear my hair, and right now I am more comfortable with it up. Remember, I am the same mama no matter how I wear my hair." ⁠

After several weeks of this "course correction," most of the time when Bella sees mom's hair up, she gets a twinkle in her eye and says, "Same mama." But sometimes she still melts down. Which brings me back to the video and the key insight.

In the video, Bella enters the house after preschool and sees Jenny with her hair up. She falls to the floor and starts to whimper. Jenny stays the course and doesn't put her hair down to pacify Bella. She is clear that doing so would just be reinforcing Bella's rigidity and her faulty narrative that she can't cope or feel connected to Jenny based on her hairdo. What she does is rub Bella's back and repeat in a loving voice, "I'm so sorry, Bella. It will be ok." ⁠

The insight? As I listened to Jenny repeat "sorry" over and over, it occurred to me that saying "sorry" to a child when she is experiencing a big, tough emotion (vs when you have done something you regret—yell, shame—that does deserve an apology) inadvertently communicates that it's a "bad”, unwanted feeling which I think is not the message we want to send. It puts a value judgment on these feelings, suggesting that there is something wrong with them. This can pose an obstacle to helping children understand and accept ALL their emotions--the ultimate key to the ability for achieving that gold standard of emotional regulation.⁠ ⁠

So validation and providing physical comfort (when a child wants it, some children recoil from touch when in a triggered/dysregulated state and need space)—YES!

Saying sorry that your child is going through a difficult moment—NO. ⁠ ⁠

Now when Bella melts down upon seeing Jenny's hair is up, Jenny responds: "I see it still sometimes makes you uncomfortable when mom's hair is up. I understand. Remember, 'same mama'." Then Jenny stays quiet and present and gives Bella space to work it through. Bella eventually calms and moves on. Her mom has given her the gift of showing Bella that she can manage ALL the complex emotions that are part of being human.

Read more about how to help children develop flexibility.

Read more about how to help children manage All their emotions.