“We sit down for dinner. Declan (5) whines, ‘You didn’t get me my milk!” Not, ‘Thank you so much for this delicious meal you have made after a long workday, Mommy. Can I please have some milk?’ We get to the playground and he complains, ‘You didn’t bring the right pail!’ We read three books at bedtime, he accuses, ‘We didn’t get to read my favorite book about the pandas (because he hadn’t chosen it!) The whining is out of control and driving us insane. He finds fault with everything.”

“Nina (5) and I had a great day together, filled with lots of play and fun activities. Then, at bedtime, just when I was saying goodnight, she insisted she needed to go back downstairs to check on her Magnatile structure. She is a master of obfuscation, and we are trying to get a handle on that—so bedtime doesn’t become chaotic and so she goes to sleep at a reasonable hour. So, I said that wasn’t possible, it was time for sleep, and she could check on her creation first thing in the morning—it would still be there. She started crying and shouting, “This is the worst day ever!”

“My son, Harry (7) is very attached to me and demanding of my attention, which leads to him getting a lot more of it than my other kids. Last night when I told him a babysitter was coming, he pleaded for me not to go and accused, ‘You care more about your friends than me!’ This gets me in the gut and makes me feel guilty—like I’m rejecting and hurting him. When I take a step back, I know that it’s not wrong for me to want a night out to meet my own needs. He just makes it so hard.”

“Ceci (8) insists on accusing people of harming her when it’s clearly an accident and then demands apologies. For example, she was racing up the stairs to surpass her sister and stubbed her toe along the way. She started shouting at her sister that it was her fault and needs to apologize. Or, she’s at the kitchen counter coloring and some water spills onto her paper and smudges her picture. She accuses me of causing it and demands an apology.  We often just do it to pacify her and move on. But we know it’s unhealthy. We don’t know what to do.”

Why this mindset?

We can’t know exactly why kids react as they do. There’s no brain scan that tells us definitively what triggers their behavior. But the detective work I guide parents through to identify the root cause has led to insights into the meaning behind these behaviors. Almost always, temperament is a big factor.

Some kids, often those who are highly sensitive, filter their experiences through this victim mindset. They process their experiences in the world through a deficit, half-glass-empty lens. It’s a wiring issue, not a stance your child has chosen or that you have engendered in your child.

They have a lower threshold for discomfort. When something doesn’t happen the way they expect or desire, they have a hard time coping and often externalize blame. They react as if they have been wronged, wounded and are being deprived when something unexpected happens, when you set a limit they don’t like, or when you are not able to meet all of their needs. They demand apologies and compensation, lest they take their pound of flesh. 

I know that can be a hard pill to swallow, especially when you see other kids or have another child who is positive and easy-going (aka, a “dandelion” to your child’s “orchid.“) You wonder, "Why can't you just be like (insert the flexible, positive child) and see all the amazing things you have and get to do?!"

These kids are also extremely clever and know how to pull at their loving parents’ heartstrings to get them to give them what they want, like Harry who didn’t want his mom to go out with her friends. This dynamic is often at play with the parent who has assumed the role of the “emotional support parent”—the person whom they depend on to meet all their needs (demands) and prevent or solve all problems.

Environmental factors may also play a role, such as: a new baby in the family, sibling jealousy/competition, or another stressor, like a parent being absent. A mom has had to travel a lot recently to care for her ill mother. Her daughter, Maisy (4) is understandably feeling deprived and filtering everything through the “I’m never getting enough” lens. She is demanding mom make up for her absence by reading more and more books and extending cuddle time far beyond a healthy bedtime. Mom is having a hard time holding any limits out of guilt.

Jaden (6) is a middle child and is very competitive with his older brother (9.) He is constantly accusing his parents of being unfair: letting his older brother stay up later, even demanding that they weigh and measure their desserts because he is sure they are giving his brother a bigger portion.

And here’s a story from my own parenting trenches, that I am not proud of. I would give my kids—Sam and Jess—baths together every night starting when Jess was 6 months (and Sam was 3). Each night I would ask who wanted to get out first. Sam always wanted to stay in longer. Jess didn’t seem to care, not to mention that she wasn’t verbal yet and able to take a stance. Then, when Jess was about 20 months, I posed what I had come to consider the nightly rhetorical question. But on this occasion, Jess exclaimed: “I want to stay in!” Given that the “score” was 365 (give or take) to zero, I said of course Jess should get a turn. Sam’s response: “I never get to stay in the bath longer!”

How to Respond: What not to do

Try to change your child’s feelings—to logic them into rationality. If you’re like most parents I work with, your natural reaction may be to try to reason with your child:

"Why don't you see all the things we do for you? It’s never enough!”

"Why do you have to look at everything so negatively?"

Get defensive; to convince them you haven’t wronged them.

"We didn't read the Panda book because you didn't choose it! It's not my fault."

“Are you kidding me! You’ve gotten to stay longer in the bath every single night for a year! You get to do so much more than Jess.” (Which is exactly how I reacted—with anger and shaming.)

The problem with these responses is that refuting your child’s perspective and trying to change their minds usually results in them doubling-down on their stance/accusations. (They’re not pausing and thinking: “Good point, you’re right, that was totally irrational.”)

When the response includes shaming—the meta-message being “what’s wrong with you?”—it shuts kids down and makes learning any important lessons you’re trying to teach impossible.

Buy into the guilt and acquiesce to their demands. You cancel the babysitter. You let bedtime go on way too long. You let the more demanding child get what they want, often at the expense of the more adaptable child who forgoes their needs in favor of family peace.

Reacting in these ways sends several unhelpful messages to your child, including:

• Reinforcing the false notion that you’ve wronged your child and now you owe them.

• Engendering entitlement.

• Creating resentment in the siblings whose needs are put on the back burner.

• That you can control people by guilting them into doing what you want.

What to do

Show compassion while holding important limits.

"I hear that you’d like some milk. You’re welcome to pour yourself some whenever you like.” If they’re not old enough to do this independently, you might respond: “I’d be happy to get you that milk when you ask for it with respect and a kind voice.”

“You wish you had a different pail. I understand. You can choose to use the ones we have or you can play somewhere else at the park. You decide!"

"There are so many books to choose from each night! We are lucky to have so many. I can't wait to read the panda book tomorrow."

“I know you don’t like it when mommy goes out with friends and we have a babysitter. You want mommy here all the time. I love my time with you, too. I also love my time with my friends, so I will be going out. I’m not asking you to like it or agree with it; this is a mommy decision. I can’t wait to see you in the morning.”

“I have been away doing the very important job of taking care of grandma. I know you have missed mommy and I’ve missed you so much, too. I am going to add another five minutes to our cuddle time before bed so we have some extra time together.”  This acknowledges that being separated is hard and that her child needs something extra to fill her cup (which, by the way, may never feel full to her, no matter how much attention mom gives her!) At the same time it doesn’t play into or reinforce the notion that mom has done something wrong and owes her daughter—so now she has to let her stay up too late or meet other unhealthy demands. The fact is that these kinds of situations are going to arise that kids have to learn to cope with. You want to show empathy for the impact on them, but not to validate the narrative that they’ve been wronged. Those are two very different things.

“I know you love staying in the bath longer. But it’s my job to make sure both you and Jess get a turn to come out last. So, we are going to start switching off each night to make it fair. I know that’s a big change, and you may not like it, and that’s okay. I don’t expect you to be happy with the new plan.” That’s how I wish I had handled it. (The pain of 20/20 hindsight.)

“I know you feel it’s unfair that your brother gets to stay up later. You don’t like that rule. I totally understand why you would see it that way. But mommy and daddy are in charge of making rules for each child based on what you each need to grow healthy and strong. Your brother gets to stay up later because his body doesn’t need as much sleep. That’s what happens when you get older. He went to bed at 8 when he was your age and you’ll be able to stay up until 9 when you’re his age. Fair is not always equal.”

“We are not going to measure the desserts. They’re almost never exactly the same size. Sometimes yours might be bigger and sometimes your brother’s might be bigger. That happens. You can either eat yours or not. That’s up to you.”

"I know you're disappointed/angry that I won't let you finish your Magnatile structure when it feels so important to you right now. But it's time for bed. You can finish it in the morning."⁠ Then you hold the limit, tolerating your child’s displeasure. In a quiet moment, you can help them gain the self-awareness that is so important for all human beings but especially for HSCs. "You have really big feelings. When you are happy and having so much fun, like when were splashing in puddles all the way home in the rain earlier today. When you’re sad, or mad, or frustrated because you can't have something you want, those feelings are also really big and overwhelming and sometimes eat up all the good feelings. You can't remember the good stuff in those moments, even though both happy and hard things happen for everyone." When you validate your child’s experience and build their self-awareness, over time children are more likely to pause, reflect on their reactions, and build strong coping skills to better manage those difficult moments.

The goal is to help children see that not getting everything they want is about healthy and developmentally appropriate limits, not about love or favoritism. Liam’s parents want him to create a new narrative that is not one of “I am a victim, always being deprived”, but one that sounds more like, “When I can’t have everything the way I want it, and my parents set limits, it doesn’t mean I am not loved or valued.” Mature as this outlook may seem, over time, children can and do internalize this very important concept.

Related Resources:

10 Traits of Highly Sensitive Children

"This Is the WORST DAY EVER!" When one minor incident upends the entire day

How to Not Let Your Big Reactor Suck All the Life Out of Your Family

Teaching Kids that Fair is not Equal

You Are Not A Helicopter Parent. You Are Your Child's Emotional Support Parent

When Your Child Has a Pessimistic Outlook

Negative Self-Talk: What it means and what you can do

“It’s All Your Fault!” Why Your Child Blames You For Everything (and how to help kids learn to take responsibility for their mistakes)

When Not to Apologize to Your Child

He’s Going To Take His Pound of Flesh: When Your Child Demands to Equalize

When I’m working with a family to solve their childrearing challenge(s), I guide parents through a process that helps us come up with sensitive effective strategies that empower them to be the loving, connected mom/dad they want to be while setting the clear limits and boundaries that help their kids:

• learn to manage their big feelings and self-regulate; to be flexible when things don’t happen the way they want or expect

• get through daily tasks and transitions without power struggles

• adapt to new situations and challenges

• rise to age-appropriate expectations

My goal is for parents to be able to internalize this process and use it to solve the myriad challenges that arise as part of parenting.

My ultimate goal is for parents to internalize this process so they can apply it to solve the myriad challenges that arise as part of parenting.

I hope this process will be helpful to you, too.

1.   Be sure the expectation is age- and situation- appropriate. For example: having a 3 yo bring their dishes to the sink after a meal; a 4 yo dressing themselves; a 5 yo being dropped off at an activity without their parent staying.

Establishing accurate expectations is critical because when they are too high, kids and parents are set up for failure; for example, expecting a 3 yo to sit quietly for an hour in church; a 4 yo to manage transitions without advance notice; or, a slow-to-warm 5 yo to run happily into a new Kindergarten class without hesitation.

If the expectation is too low, we are enabling kids, not helping them develop the skills that build confidence and self-esteem. For example, letting a 4 yo be in diapers during the day because they prefer them to using the toilet; or letting a 7 yo quit a fortifying activity they typically enjoy because they can’t tolerate not always being first or the best.  

 Keep in mind that when establishing expectations, context matters. Your 5 yo might be fully capable of hanging their backpack up and emptying their lunch box, but not the second they arrive home from school because they are fried after a long day. In this situation, an appropriate expectation might be to give them time to chill and refuel with a snack, snuggles, playtime, or screen time for, say, 30 minutes, before expecting them to do these jobs.

2.    Identify the root cause of the problem. This helps us come up with the most sensitive and effective strategies because we are addressing the underlying issue at play, not just the behavior.

• A 4 yo who insists on wearing diapers is struggling with still wanting to be a baby, especially if there is a new brother/sister in the family. They demand their parents do things for them that they are perfectly capable of doing themselves because they have associated this kind of caregiving with love and attention.

• A child who avoids situations that involve competition struggles with fear of failure and is quick to shame.

• A child who is inflexible and makes irrational demands feels overwhelmed on the inside so tries to control everything on the outside, as a coping mechanism.

• A child who demands her parent stay at a birthday party or activity when it’s supposed to be a drop-off event is struggling with separation anxiety. She doesn’t feel safe unless a parent is present.

3.    Ascertain what the child needs versus what they want.

• A child might want a parent to do their age-appropriate, self-care tasks for them. What they need is the chance to experience that they are competent and capable, and to see that loving and caring can and will happen, even when they take on bigger kid responsibilities.

• A child may want to quit a team to avoid the discomfort of not always being the best. What they need is the chance to muscle through so they can experience their ability to enjoy being part of a team and learn to tolerate imperfection.

• A child might want to bend the world to their will—to always feel in control. What they need is to learn to manage when they can’t have what they want exactly the way they want or expect—to build the flexibility and resilience necessary to get along well in the world.

• A child might want to cling to their parent at a birthday party of activity, and not let them leave. (But is fine being dropped off at activities when it’s the nanny or grandparent who takes them!) What they need is to see that they can feel safe and enjoy the activity with their friends, without their parents’ presence. (A sign of secure attachment.)

4.   Identify what is in the parents’ control to help their child move through a difficult situation, to effect change, that doesn’t rely on the child’s cooperation. Aka, not trying to change the child, but changing the situation.

Instead of bribing, rewarding, threatening, cajoling, nagging, or trying to convince their child to do the thing, a parent might:

• No longer dress a child who can do this task themselves and let them go to school in what they’re wearing when it’s time to leave. They pack a set of clothes in their child’s school bag so they can change whenever they choose.

• Tell their child that going to the activity they’re avoiding is a “have-to”—that’s a mommy/daddy decision, not a kid decision.

• Not changing the breakfast menu, even when their child demands a different option.

• Not stay with their child at the birthday party or activity. (Of course, leaving them in good hands with the caregiver in charge.)

5.   Establish ways parents can support their children; what tools will help them manage the difficult situation or new limit/expectation.

For the child who refuses to dress themselves, the parent might:

• Tell the child in advance what the plan is going to be so they know what to expect.

• Give them a “practice week” before setting the new limit, during which the child has lots of opportunities to practice putting their clothes on.

• Explain that when they dress themselves, it saves time so mom/dad can read a book before they leave for school.

• In the morning, use a visual timer so they can track how much time they have before leaving for school in case they decide they want to get dressed at some point.

For the child who will still be going to the activity they want to quit, the parent might:

• Acknowledge and show compassion for their discomfort with not being the best, making the most goals, etc. Explore and normalize these feelings that we all have to learn to cope with.

• Watch videos of prominent athletes struggling in a game or working to build their skills to show their child they are not alone—nobody’s perfect.

• Be clear that while whether or not to go to an activity is a parent decision, once there, it’s up to them (the child) to choose how/whether to participate. (Often, the more parents try to convince kids to join in, the less likely they are to do so.)

For the child who demands a breakfast option that’s not on the menu, the parent might:

• The night before, go over exactly what to expect for breakfast the next day.

• Be sure to include options the child typically likes (knowing that while just last week they loved oatmeal, they may proclaim it’s disgusting just a few days later.)

• When the child protests and threatens not to eat, acknowledge their displeasure and not try to get them to change their mind. (That’s just fodder for a fight.) Let them know that it’s their body and they get to choose which of the offerings and how much to eat. If they choose to partake, their bodies are likely to feel more comfortable than if they choose not to eat. But that’s up to them.

• Most importantly, tolerate their upset.

For the child who begs a parent to stay at a party/activity with them, when they are old enough and capable enough to go on their own, a parent might:

• Prepare them for what to expect. Acknowledge their protest/displeasure at your plan not to stay.

• Talk with them about their worry versus thinking brain. (See additional resources below)

• Help them think through what to expect at the activity and what coping tools they can use.

• Follow through with the plan to give their child a chance to see that they can survive and even thrive without mom or dad present—to build that secure attachment, increase their child’s confidence, and create an opportunity for the child to build stronger social skills.

See the Process in Action: A case from my new book, Big Reactors: Practical Strategies for Parenting Highly Sensitive Children

This is an excerpt from my new book, Big Reactors: Practical Strategies for Parenting Highly Sensitive Children

Jenny and Thomas seek my guidance about their two-year-old, Uma, who falls apart whenever something happens in a way that she doesn’t like or expect: the puzzle is on the wrong shelf, they move a chair that was in Uma’s room to another place, or Thomas doesn’t sing the song he made up in exactly the way he did the night before. One of Uma’s biggest triggers is when her mom wears her hair up in a ponytail, bun or braid. ⁠She gets hysterical and demands that Jenny take it down immediately.

Jenny and Thomas are confused and very distressed by these reactions. They are also exhausted. Prior to starting our consultation, they had been racing to undo anything that made Uma uncomfortable. They moved the puzzle to the correct bookshelf. Thomas tried over and over to recreate the song exactly as Uma had recalled it (which was impossible and concluded with a 20-minute meltdown), and Jenny acquiesced to Uma's hairstyle demands and wore it down all the time. While they instinctively knew that constantly accommodating Uma’s demands wasn’t healthy, they just wanted Uma to be happy. They hoped and told themselves that she would grow out of it. But when it didn’t get better, they called for a consult.

It's important to add that Uma does great at and loves school. Her teachers report that they don’t see the inflexibility Jenny and Thomas are reporting and are surprised to hear about how differently she behaves at home. At school, she is very cooperative and content. (This is a very common phenomenon in the families I work with—a child being a “superstar” at school and a “terror” at home—which I address in depth in Chapter 7.)

Almost always, the challenge parents are seeking to solve when they come to see me—melt downs, inflexibility/defiance, power struggles—is rooted in the absence of an important limit. That is what is causing so much stress for the entire family.⁠

When the limit isn't clear, and there is a lot of discussion or negotiation, about....more books at bedtime, more things the child says they need to do before they are willing to go to sleep, more treats, more screen time...it opens up a big, black hole that the child fills with endless attempts to keep parents engaged or to get them to do what they want. This is not just exhausting and maddening for parents, it is exhausting for kids who expend a lot of mental energy making their case and pursuing all angles, getting themselves increasingly wound up and dysregulated. The entire situation escalates and everyone involved ends up miserable.  
⁠
As you know, this is not a new theme or insight. I write often about limits because of how pervasive a problem figuring how to effectively and lovingly set them continues to be for so many families I see.

One big culprit is that because kids don't like limits, their reaction--meltdowns, protests and the like--is often  triggering for parents which makes it hard to stick to them.

Another obstacle to parents being the loving limit-setters their children need them to be is due to a more recent phenomenon: parents have gotten the message that "gentle," loving, respectful parenting entails collaboration with kids—making them part of the decision-making process—not telling them what to do, which has become characterized as being harsh and dictatorial. This has translated into parents trying to get kids to agree to limits.

For most of the moms and dads I work with—who have kids who are extremely clever, fierce, feisty, persistent, and have a very strong need to control everything—this philosophy and approach backfires. Once the child susses out that the limit the parent is trying to set is dependent on their agreement and cooperation, they expend an incredible amount of energy throwing up any and all obstacles possible to prevent said limit from being implemented. Who can blame them? I haven't met a child yet who was happy about handing over a tablet, accepting an apple as dessert instead of cookies, or having to end a joyful bedtime. They will negotiate and argue, making some very cohesive and also some very irrational arguments, and use a whole host of delay tactics. This intense focus on exploiting any loophole they detect often sends them into a total tizzy, working themselves up and getting increasingly dysregulated. This is exhausting and not healthy for them. 

Naturally, this is also extremely exhausting for parents who find themselves getting drawn into constant negotiation and defending/justifying why they are setting these important, necessary limits to their children. They are also very frustrated and annoyed with their kids which saddens them and is not what leads to the loving connection parents and kids need.

Here are some common examples:

As I guide parents through the reflection and analysis of the challenging situations they are struggling with, a key factor  almost always at play is that parents are doing too much...talking, teaching, correcting, reasoning (or trying to)...when their kids are acting out or melting down, even when they know that less is more. It's just so freak'in hard to control ourselves in the heat of that moment when we are triggered by our kids' worrisome/scary/harmful behavior. 

I was inspired to hone in once again on this phenomenon because I also have a great story from the trenches that I wanted to share. It's a powerful, real life example of how less is almost always more with big reactors, and how you sometimes have to throw out a lot of the advice you have read that may work with other children but rarely works with these kiddos.⁠ I hope it will provide insight and also inspire you to continue to do the hard work of managing your own big reactions—the one thing you do have control over. 

Toby and Stephen reached out because their five-year-old, Lucas, is having a very tough time with the birth of his new baby brother. He alternates between spewing terrible venom that is very disturbing to them, especially at Toby, while also clinging to her like Velcro.

In our first consult, this is what Toby shared:

Lucas is saying horrible things, especially to me, and also about his new baby brother, that makes the old "I HATE YOU!" seem totally benign. He threatens to hurt us in all sorts of ways that can be shocking. I don't know where he gets this language or these ideas at his age. It's not language we ever use.

I am so upset and disturbed by this. I feel attacked by such hateful words. I tell him that he is being unkind and is hurting my feelings. I beg him to stop. This just leads to more escalation. And also more intense clinging.

We have also tried to correct him, telling him he can't talk like that. More escalation. He ramps up and comes on with even more intensity. Shouldn’t there be some consequence for talking this way? We don't know what to do. It feels so wrong.

This exclamation was made by a highly sensitive child (HSC), when, after a wonderful day with hours of fun and joy, her dad said "no" to going back downstairs (once she was already in bed with lights out). She insisted she needed to check on a Magnatile structure she had been working on earlier that day.

I can't tell you how many times a week I hear stories like this from parents. Their HSC has a great day with lots of good stuff; and then one, often seemingly minor, event/disappointment happens and everything is ruined. 
⁠
After decades of working with families of HSCs, and parenting my own, I understand that this is often part of the deal with these deeply feeling kids: they live life at the extremes. They are ecstatic or enraged. They tend to process their experiences in this all or nothing, black and white way. It's all good or all bad. They have a harder time living in the gray.
⁠
The temptation, naturally, is to try to get them to see that there was so much good in their day, to talk them out of this all-encompassing, negative state, which seems so unfortunate and sad—for them to see the world this way. But that usually results in the HSC, in reaction to being told how to feel, doubling-down to prove to you that in fact, everything is indeed ruined. ⁠

⁠⁠Keep in mind that this doesn't mean the good stuff isn't getting through or having a positive impact on them. This awareness may also help you avoid the temptation to try to get them to acknowledge it or feel it in that moment. ⁠

“Do all 4-year-olds blame their mothers for all of their mistakes or when anything goes wrong?? My daughter drops pizza on the floor, I’m responsible. I get a drip of water from her toothbrush on her shirt and I did it on purpose. She falls off her scooter, I made it happen, and according to her, I should never have bought the scooter (she had begged for!) to begin with! Don’t I know that she HATES scooters?!”

I hear stories like these all the time from parents (and not just of 4 yo’s), and recall this charming phenomenon from my own days in the childrearing trenches.

With 20-20 hindsight, and decades of working with kids since mine were little, I have gained some insight into the roots of these reactions and what children need from us in these moments in order to learn to accept their failures and manage their mistakes—the ultimate goal.

Why Our Kids Blame Us

Working in the trenches everyday with families continues to yield new insights, even after 35 years. One recent, powerful observation is that parents are doing WAY too much when kids are having a having a hard time. As always, this comes from the most loving place: parents don't want to see their children in distress and will do whatever they can to relieve that discomfort.

It also comes from a misinterpretation of messages many of my families have absorbed on social media about the importance of accepting, validating, and being present when kids are distressed. This translates into parents believing they are harming their children—sending them the message that their feelings don't matter and they are alone—if they are not constantly by their side, repeating empathetic phrases to show they understand, or trying to get their child to talk about his feelings. This has become equated in their minds with abandoning their child in his time of need.

Just yesterday I talked to a mom who is very confused about how to best support her 5-year-old who is a very big reactor and has major meltdowns, especially when screen time is over. She calls it “Groundhog’s Day”: despite implementing the same plan day after day—their son chooses a show and they turn it off when it’s over, they don’t cave and stick to the limit—he has a huge tantrum every single time. She is doing everything “right”—she stays calm and validates his feelings—but at some point she needs to tend to her two other children (3 yo and a baby), and worries, based on what she has read, that it is harmful to her son to not be by his side for the entire duration of his meltdown.

Every week I hear from multiple parents who have done great work setting clear limits in a loving way, but are concerned that their limits are wrong or not working because their child continues to protest and not accept the boundary, even after parents repeatedly follow through and don't cave on the limit or get drawn into a protracted power struggle.

The mindshift to make is that the goal is not to get your child to like, agree with, or accept the limit, or even to change his behavior—something you have no control over. 

The true purpose of the limit is to stay in charge in the positive way your child needs you to be, and to avoid the pernicious power struggle that is so detrimental and destructive to both kids and parents. 

Take the case of Ari, who was coming in and out of his room for hours after lights-out. When his parents, Jen and Arash, stopped trying to coax, reward, bribe or threaten Ari to agree to stay in his room—none of which had been successful—they put a boundary on his door. But Ari continued to scream at the top of his lungs for 5 to 10 minutes every night before falling asleep, even though they stuck to the plan and did not react to his shouting for them. (They did walk by his room periodically to whisper a soothing mantra to assure him they were still there and all was right with the world. More on approaches to setting up loving sleep plans can be found here.) Jen and Arash worried that Ari's continued upset and protests meant that the limit wasn't working or was harmful. 

Au contraire. Let's look at all the positive outcomes of this limit:

"You can do hard things.” This motivational mantra (with props, I believe, to Glennon Doyle?) is one I hear invoked often when trying to get kids to muscle through challenges. But it is just as important for parents. Because, it turns out that to help our kids persist at something hard or uncomfortable, we also need to build some muscle, ourselves, as the stories below show.

These not-so-tiny victories are the result of a heavy dose of emotional regulation on the part of these moms and dads. You will see how they were able to thread that seemingly elusive needle of supporting versus enabling their children; how they found a way to be empathetic in difficult moments while not "rescuing" their children, and in so doing created powerful opportunities for them to develop greater resilience and a stronger sense of their own competence—a gift that will keep on giving.

I hope these stories will be an inspiration and will help you find your own way to support your child's healthiest functioning.

I am going to go out on a limb and assume that many of you who take the time out of your busy days to read this blog have a big reactor under your roof, who has been known to hurl vitriol ("You are a toilethead", "You don't belong in this house anymore") and/or is aggressive with her body--hitting, kicking, biting. No doubt, these are among the most vexing challenges parents face. And no doubt, these big reactors need to learn to express their emotions in more acceptable, healthy ways.

As I work with families to attain this important goal, a major obstacle almost always emerges: the parents' mindset. Moms and dads are interpreting and then reacting in these moments as if their child harbors malicious intent; that he means to be harmful with his words and his body. This triggers a harsh, punitive and shaming reaction that only reinforces these unwanted behaviors.

This excerpt from my new book, Why Is My Child In Charge? elucidates this mindset, and the mindshift that enables you to stay calm, not further escalate the situation, and ultimately teach your child how to effectively manage his big emotions.

MINDSET: My child harbors malicious intent when she is aggressive with her words and actions.

Read stories from my practice that show how to help kids: work through fears; going through the loss of a grandparent; build frustration tolerance; adapt to a new baby in the family; get comfortable pooping on the potty.

Just as I was thinking about what to share in my final blog of 2020, I had a consult with a couple that provided the spark. Mid-session, the mom burst into tears as she shared how ashamed and saddened she was at the relief she experienced upon finding that her son had fallen asleep while waiting for her to come say goodnight. The prospect of having some alone-time instead of the seemingly endless ordeal of trying to get him to go to sleep was a dream come true. But instead of enjoying her much-deserved respite, she was self-flagellating, wondering what kind of mom she was if she was happy to have time away from her child. This was decidedly not the mother she had dreamed of being.

This broke my heart. This is a thoughtful, sensitive, loving mom who is trying to balance caring for a feisty toddler and a 4-month-old while getting ready to return to work after the new year. She is exhausted and depleted, which is further exacerbated by feeling ashamed at wanting relief from her child who is very demanding. She just wants him to be happy. She gives and gives but feels like it’s never enough.

This conversation became the impetus for this blog, as I know from my consults with hundreds of parents during the last nine months that this mom is not alone, and that many of you are probably experiencing these kinds of feelings to some degree. It is a list of some of the most important lessons I have learned about what children really need—things I wish my younger self had understood that would have reduced stress and enabled more joy.

This article is the first in a series based on my 2021 book, Why Is My Child In Charge? Through stories of my work with families, I show how making critical mindshifts—seeing children’s behaviors through a new lens —empowers parents to solve their most vexing childrearing challenges, including: tantrums, aggressive behavior, sleep, mealtime battles, and potty learning. Most importantly, it shows you how to get back in the driver's seat--where you belong and where your child needs you to be. 

The spotlight in this blog is on a mindset many of you who have worked with me or have read my content have heard me talk a lot about: “I can control and change my child’s feelings and behavior.” The reason I bring it up so often is because it is perhaps the most pervasive obstacle to “positive” and effective parenting because it puts your child, not you, in the driver’s seat—a dynamic that is not healthy for anyone.

The fact is that you cannot actually make your child do anything: sleep, eat, not thrown a tantrum, agree to get in the car seat, pee in the potty…the list is endless. Children, like all humans, are the only ones who control their words and actions. This is one of the most humbling aspects of parenting that no one warns you about. It runs so fiercely counter to how we see ourselves and our role. We are supposed to be able to make our children behave.