When Less Is So Much More In Supporting Your Big Reactor

As I guide parents through the reflection and analysis of the challenging situations they are struggling with, a key factor  almost always at play is that parents are doing too much...talking, teaching, correcting, reasoning (or trying to)...when their kids are acting out or melting down, even when they know that less is more. It's just so freak'in hard to control ourselves in the heat of that moment when we are triggered by our kids' worrisome/scary/harmful behavior. 

I was inspired to hone in once again on this phenomenon because I also have a great story from the trenches that I wanted to share. It's a powerful, real life example of how less is almost always more with big reactors, and how you sometimes have to throw out a lot of the advice you have read that may work with other children but rarely works with these kiddos.⁠ I hope it will provide insight and also inspire you to continue to do the hard work of managing your own big reactions—the one thing you do have control over. 

Toby and Stephen reached out because their five-year-old, Lucas, is having a very tough time with the birth of his new baby brother. He alternates between spewing terrible venom that is very disturbing to them, especially at Toby, while also clinging to her like Velcro.

In our first consult, this is what Toby shared:

Lucas is saying horrible things, especially to me, and also about his new baby brother, that makes the old "I HATE YOU!" seem totally benign. He threatens to hurt us in all sorts of ways that can be shocking. I don't know where he gets this language or these ideas at his age. It's not language we ever use.

I am so upset and disturbed by this. I feel attacked by such hateful words. I tell him that he is being unkind and is hurting my feelings. I beg him to stop. This just leads to more escalation. And also more intense clinging.

We have also tried to correct him, telling him he can't talk like that. More escalation. He ramps up and comes on with even more intensity. Shouldn’t there be some consequence for talking this way? We don't know what to do. It feels so wrong.