"Mommy, You Are A Toilethead!" Why Not to Take Your Child's Words and Actions At Face Value

I am going to go out on a limb and assume that many of you who take the time out of your busy days to read this blog have a big reactor under your roof, who has been known to hurl vitriol ("You are a toilethead", "You don't belong in this house anymore") and/or is aggressive with her body--hitting, kicking, biting. No doubt, these are among the most vexing challenges parents face. And no doubt, these big reactors need to learn to express their emotions in more acceptable, healthy ways.

As I work with families to attain this important goal, a major obstacle almost always emerges: the parents' mindset. Moms and dads are interpreting and then reacting in these moments as if their child harbors malicious intent; that he means to be harmful with his words and his body. This triggers a harsh, punitive and shaming reaction that only reinforces these unwanted behaviors.

This excerpt from my new book, Why Is My Child In Charge? elucidates this mindset, and the mindshift that enables you to stay calm, not further escalate the situation, and ultimately teach your child how to effectively manage his big emotions.

MINDSET: My child harbors malicious intent when she is aggressive with her words and actions.

Harrison has a ritual with Lucas, his five-year-old. Every night when Harrison arrives home from work, they play in the backyard. They both love this special time together. But, inevitably, when it’s time to go inside for dinner, Lucas puts up a fight. Harrison is good about giving Lucas a two-minute warning, but that doesn’t head off the tantrum. Neither does Harrison’s agreeing to Lucas’s pleas for a little extra time. But it’s never enough. When Harrison finally starts to walk back into the house to show Lucas that playtime is really done, Lucas shouts: “You are a mean daddy poopy face.” Harrison, fuming, turns around and retorts: “How dare you speak to me that way! There won’t be any more playtime when I come home from work if you keep that up!” Lucas storms past Harrison, runs into the house, and exclaims that he’s never talking to his dad again.

Harrison and his wife, Jill, are at a loss as to how to handle these outbursts, which are happening with increasing frequency. Every time Lucas doesn’t get his way, he starts to hurl vitriol. They wonder how two caring, kind people like themselves are raising such a rude, disrespectful child. They don’t know how to stop him from spewing this venom. No punishment (sending him to his room) or threat (to take things away) is making a difference.

Children making alarming threats and aggressive statements is not a new phenomenon. Kids have been known to say a lot of outrageous things when they are angry or frustrated. While provocative statements and threats, especially coming from such a young child, feel so wrong, it’s important not to interpret and react to these inflammatory and provocative exclamations at face value. Children don’t always literally mean what they say. Your child is not a budding sociopath. The stress at not getting something he wants has activated his downstairs brain, and he is purging emotion.

While your logical reaction might be that you need to teach your child a lesson through some kind of disciplinary action that shames or punishes him for this inappropriate outburst, when you react harshly, it can escalate, rather than reduce, the distress your child is experiencing that led to the inappropriate proclamation to begin with. A big reaction also teaches your child that this kind of vitriol gets a reaction. So, when your child is mad at you for depriving him of something he desires, these provocative statements now become effective strategies to get your attention and yank your chain, which results in more of these surly (or “obnoxious,” as one parent recently put it) statements.

The same is true for physical aggression in young children. Much of the time, hitting, biting, and kicking are reflexive reactions that your child can’t control. Even when it seems more purposeful, for example, when your child hits you because you won’t give him more TV time, he doesn’t really want to hurt you. The downstairs brain has kicked into high gear, which results in a physiological response.

This is not to say that aggressive behavior is acceptable. It’s not, and we need to help kids learn to manage their feelings in appropriate ways. But, if you react to these incidents from a mindset that your child is being purposefully malicious, your response is more likely to be harsh and punitive, which only tends to beget more aggressive behavior. The chapter on aggressive behavior goes deep on how important mindshifts can help you respond to physical outbursts in a loving and effective way.

With this important change in mindset—that Lucas is not intentionally being hurtful—Harrison and Jill adopt a new tactic when Lucas uses inappropriate language. They ignore the unacceptable statements but don’t ignore Lucas. (This is a very important step. When you just ignore your children, they usually up the ante to get your attention and further escalate. Staying connected shows your child that you are not rejecting him, you are just rejecting the unacceptable behavior, and prevents further escalation.) Accordingly, Harrison and Jill acknowledge the underlying feeling or issue Lucas is struggling with and then focus on engaging him in something positive and productive.

In the situation described above, the redo goes something like this: When Lucas starts to get agitated and say unacceptable things, Harrison stays calm and connected. He empathizes with Lucas’s disappointment when they have to stop playing to start dinner. They have so much fun together; it’s a very special time they both look forward to. Then, Harrison heads into the house. When Lucas starts up with the verbal attacks, Harrison calmly lets Lucas know that, when he is ready, daddy can’t wait to have a helper in the kitchen. Harrison doesn’t say anything about the vitriol, and he doesn’t try to talk Lucas out of being upset. Harrison knows that an important part of his job is to allow Lucas the space to learn to cope with these kinds of inevitable disappointments, such as when a fun activity has to end. Further, getting overinvolved in trying to make it all better sends Lucas the message that Harrison doesn’t think Lucas can manage these difficult moments. (You see how the mindshifts are often interrelated. In our work together, Harrison and Jill had come to recognize that allowing Lucas to have his difficult feelings isn’t harmful, but is instead helpful, and that they are not being mean nor rejecting by setting appropriate limits.) By responding in this way, Harrison is, in effect, saying to Lucas, “I love you so much that I will not fuel this flame by reacting angrily or by participating in an unhealthy power struggle.” While Lucas continues to try to provoke his dad, Harrison does not react. He starts helping Jill work on dinner and periodically mentions how much he’d love a helper to place the broccoli on the baking sheet. Eventually, Lucas saunters over and gets to work in the kitchen—an activity he loves.

This kind of response is the most powerful and positive way to communicate to children that they are seen and understood—what they want and need most—while also teaching them the rules of engagement—what behaviors are acceptable and not acceptable. The goal is to be responsive; to show empathy for your child’s struggle while maintaining the limit, not to be reactive, which just escalates the negative encounter and reinforces the unwanted behavior.
The chapters that follow take a deep dive into how these mindsets are at play in challenging moments with children and how making important mindshifts—seeing the situation through a “corrective lens”—can help you do the seemingly impossible: manage your emotions so you can respond in ways that are calm, loving, sensitive, and effective.

To read more about how to respond to physical aggression, check out this blog: Why Punishment Doesn’t Stop Aggressive Behavior