Stop Trying to Control Your Child
This article is the first in a series based on my 2021 book, Why Is My Child In Charge? Through stories of my work with families, I show how making critical mindshifts—seeing children’s behaviors through a new lens —empowers parents to solve their most vexing childrearing challenges, including: tantrums, aggressive behavior, sleep, mealtime battles, and potty learning. Most importantly, it shows you how to get back in the driver's seat--where you belong and where your child needs you to be.
The spotlight in this blog is on a mindset many of you who have worked with me or have read my content have heard me talk a lot about: “I can control and change my child’s feelings and behavior.” The reason I bring it up so often is because it is perhaps the most pervasive obstacle to “positive” and effective parenting because it puts your child, not you, in the driver’s seat—a dynamic that is not healthy for anyone.
The fact is that you cannot actually make your child do anything: sleep, eat, not thrown a tantrum, agree to get in the car seat, pee in the potty…the list is endless. Children, like all humans, are the only ones who control their words and actions. This is one of the most humbling aspects of parenting that no one warns you about. It runs so fiercely counter to how we see ourselves and our role. We are supposed to be able to make our children behave.
The problem is that the more you try to get your child to change her behavior—to cooperate with a direction or agree to a limit—the more she remains in charge. You may try logic: “You’ll be hungry if you don’t eat”; threats: “There will be no TV if you don’t eat”; or rewards/bribes (which are essentially the same thing): “You will get an extra cookie for dessert if you come to the dinner table.” What these tactics all have in common is that they depend on your child agreeing to comply: being swayed by your logic, cowed by your threat, or seduced by the reward. What happens when none of these tactics work? Here’s one recent classic example shared by a frustrated dad:
I tell Connor that he can’t interrupt mommy while she is on a work call. He starts walking up the stairs backwards, looking at me with that maddening, mischievous grin. I tell him that if he doesn’t listen to me, he won’t have any TV for the rest of the day. He responds: ‘I don’t want to watch TV anyway’ as he runs up the stairs and barges into the bedroom where Sarah is working.
And here is my hands-down favorite from a consult last week:
Our three-year-old, Priscilla, is going through a phase of refusing to come to the dinner table. She is a good eater and loves food, so it’s clearly just a power play. We have tried everything to get her to participate in family dinner which is really important to us. We are both working all day and so this is a special time. But nothing works to get her to sit for more than a minute or two at a time—no rewards or threats, or fear of being hungry has made any difference. We have totally lost our minds over this. We knew we had to get a grip and seek some help when the other night, we got so exasperated that we told Priscilla that if she wasn’t going to sit with us at the table, she was going to have to sit in her room and do nothing for the entire mealtime—no playing, nothing. We marched her into her room. She sat on her bed and was as nonchalant as could be as she watched her maniacal 40+ year-old parents extract all of the toys and books from her bedroom. As we were leaving, with the sassiest look on her face, she pointed to some upper shelves and said, “Wait, mommy, you forgot the stuffed animals.” What are we supposed to do with a kid who doesn’t care about any consequences??? How can it be that two highly successful career professionals who manage large staffs have zero control over this tiny creature??
Looking at these scenarios objectively, you can see how the more you make it your goal to control your child, the more he is in charge. And even if your child does accept the bribe/reward and agrees to cooperate, he is still establishing the rules of engagement. He will follow a direction or make the right choice only if he receives some reward or special treat for complying. He’ll stay in his bed after lights out if he gets more screen time the next morning. He’ll sit at the dinner table, but only if he gets three cookies after dinner instead of the two you had determined was acceptable. Effectively, his behavior determines the outcome of the situation. This is what is so infuriating to parents and leads to reactive, harsh, and ultimately ineffective responses.
The mindshift to make is that while you can’t control your child, you can control the situation by how you respond. For Connor, this started with his parents—Beth and Stewart—acknowledging how hard it is for him when he can’t see mom even though they all at home. They make a clear schedule each morning that shows Connor at what points during the day Beth will be able to join him for a snack, a meal or for some playtime so he knows exactly what to expect; but they are clear that they will not allow him to interrupt her while she is working.
This is where the concept of the “two great choices” comes in. Connor can follow the rule, or they will put a lock on the door where mom is working to prevent access. This is a limit they can actually enforce that does not rely on Connor’s cooperation. Beth tells him that if he pounds on the door, she will call out to him one time to assure him that she can’t wait to see him for snack or play in a little while and then she will return to work, even if he keeps pounding. Preparing him for how she will respond makes her feel better about not continuing to engage him when he keeps bidding for her attention. Having a clear plan that they control enables Beth and Stewart to stay calm and loving, even in the face of Connor’s vehement protests, which persist the first two days. By day three he has adapted, and at least this battle is a bygone.
In the case of Priscilla, her parents—Brandon and Maggie—get out of the business of trying to get her to stay at the table. They explain to Priscilla that their job at dinnertime is to provide a range of foods that she enjoys and great dinner conversation. Her job is to decide which and how much of these foods she eats, because only she knows what her body needs to be feel satisfied and full. They put a 30-minute limit on dinner and use a visual timer that they hang high up on the kitchen wall so Priscilla can easily see how much time is left to eat. Brandon and Maggie are clear that once the timer goes off, dinner is over and the next chance for food is at breakfast.
This plan is responsive and loving. It takes into consideration the fact that Priscilla really likes to eat but that her need for control right now is stronger. By no longer giving her fodder to react to, by not trying to control her and get her to change her behavior, Maggie and Brandon free Priscilla to make a healthier decision—which is exactly what ultimately happens. The first few nights, she calls their bluff and doesn’t come to the table. When Brandon and Maggie take the food away when the timer goes off, she starts shouting that she’s hungry and that they are starving her. This is excruciating for Maggie and Brandon. It takes every ounce of their parental self-control not to give in. But they ask themselves what the alternative is; they remind themselves of the risks of reverting to the old routine and that setting the clear boundary is helpful, not harmful. This enables them to stay calm and loving while not caving. Once Priscilla sees that her parents are sticking to the plan they have laid out, and are no longer begging, prodding, cajoling or offering a reward for coming to the table, there is nothing to dig in her heels about and no sense of control or satisfaction in refusing to join the meal and eat. Mealtime has become de-weaponized.
When faced with moments like these with your children, it can be very helpful to begin by asking yourself what you do and don’t control in that given situation, and stay focused on the former, not the latter.