Stop Trying to Control Your Child

This article is the first in a series based on my 2021 book, Why Is My Child In Charge? Through stories of my work with families, I show how making critical mindshifts—seeing children’s behaviors through a new lens —empowers parents to solve their most vexing childrearing challenges, including: tantrums, aggressive behavior, sleep, mealtime battles, and potty learning. Most importantly, it shows you how to get back in the driver's seat--where you belong and where your child needs you to be. 

The spotlight in this blog is on a mindset many of you who have worked with me or have read my content have heard me talk a lot about: “I can control and change my child’s feelings and behavior.” The reason I bring it up so often is because it is perhaps the most pervasive obstacle to “positive” and effective parenting because it puts your child, not you, in the driver’s seat—a dynamic that is not healthy for anyone.

The fact is that you cannot actually make your child do anything: sleep, eat, not thrown a tantrum, agree to get in the car seat, pee in the potty…the list is endless. Children, like all humans, are the only ones who control their words and actions. This is one of the most humbling aspects of parenting that no one warns you about. It runs so fiercely counter to how we see ourselves and our role. We are supposed to be able to make our children behave.