Helpful Hacks: Not-so-tiny victories from the parenting trenches

Every week families I work with have some not-so-tiny victories. I share them in the hopes that they will inspire you and give you some new ideas for ways to handle challenging moments with your children.

Malaika (4) is afraid of going down the big slide at the park. We talk about how her "worry" brain has taken over and that maybe we should do an experiment to see if her worry brain is right or wrong, because sometimes our worry brains trick us into thinking something is scary, or that we can't do something that we really can. Her job is to be a detective to see if, in fact, there is something to worry about. This shift in mindset, putting her in a position of power, and giving her a job (which most kids love), overrides her worry. Malaika goes flying down the slide and with that incredible feeling of mastery announces: "My worry brain was wrong! The slide is so easy!" This approach creates an opportunity for her to overcome her fear and experience just how truly competent she is. Her parents use the same strategy when Malaika is afraid to go into the playroom in the basement on her own. Playing detective, to see if it is really dangerous to go down there on her own, helps her master that fear, too. (To learn more about using the worry vs. thinking brain concept to help kids with fear, check out this blog.)

Henry (5) asks to do soccer, but on arrival, resists participating. His moms don't force it. They give him space to work it out on his own. By the 3rd class Henry enthusiastically joins the group. His moms are thrilled at this development. Then the coach announces that they will start with a dribbling exercise. Henry freezes, turns to his moms and says he wants to go home. When they ask why, he responds, "We just need to go now!" While perplexed, his moms instinctively know that leaving would be a missed opportunity for Henry to work through whatever fear has gotten triggered. They explain they will stay until the end of the class but don't force or shame ("You'll never be good at soccer if you don't play"..."We spent a lot of money on these cleats!") They resist cajoling or trying to make it all better. They just remain calm and present. Then the tears start to flow as Henry blurts out, "I don't know what 'dribbling'" is. When his moms explain that it's kicking the ball while moving, Henry exclaims, "I can do that!" as he jumps up and joins the group. (To learn more about helping children work through their emotions, check out this blog.)

A very deep, sensitive 7 year-old is struggling with significant anxiety as he tries to make sense of many complex experiences and emotions he has confronted over the last year, including the death of a beloved grandparent. His parents instinctively felt that some family ritual might help. They start doing a Shabbat practice (they are not particularly observant so this was novel for all), lighting candles, putting phones away, and having a few minutes of quiet reflection. They have been amazed at the result: their son shines during this time, seeming much more relaxed and content. While this is not a panacea--he needs additional support to work through many existential issues he is trying to master at such a young age--this practice has provided important respite and bonding. It has resulted in their creating other rituals throughout the week, even if just for 10 or 15 minutes (they are stressed and having a hard time finding the time and space like so many families right now), such as reading a family chapter book for 20 minutes before bed. The take-home: connection is about the quality of the interaction, not the amount of time spent.

Evie (3) gets easily frustrated. When she is struggling with a toy or task, she immediately falls apart. Her parents jump right in to get her to keep trying. This usually makes Evie more agitated. She shouts "Stop talking to me!" or she runs away. Seeing that their approach is not helping, Evie's mom and dad change their response. When she is struggling, they acknowledge it: "Puzzles can be so hard and frustrating." Then they add: "I have an idea for how you might solve this problem. Let me know if you want to hear it." Most times, simply taking the step of asking permission to provide input is calming to Evie and she is able to consider other ways to approach the task at hand. Times when Evie is so upset that her thinking brain is shut down and she can't process anything, her parents give her space and let her know they are happy to help when she is ready. More often than not, she will ultimately ask for help and is able to move on productively. Either way, they are no longer escalating the situation by further overwhelming her in the heat of the moment when her brain is on system overload which also communicates to her that they can handle her frustration and will always be her rock when she is unraveling. (To learn more about how to help children problem-solve, check out this blog.)

Josh (4) is having a hard time adapting to having a baby sister, Aviva. His parents try to get him to help care for her by telling Josh what a big boy he is and how Aviva needs him to teach her things. His response: "She'll figure it out herself. That's what I did." His parents' knee-jerk reaction is to tell Josh that isn't very nice. Doesn't he want to be a good big brother? Once they see that this reaction is shaming and only reinforces Josh's (natural) negative feelings about Aviva, they stop trying to get him to love and interact with her and acknowledge that having a new sibling can be hard. This already starts to make a difference--he is less rejecting toward Aviva. They also find a way to engage him that is much more successful. When they are playing with Aviva and she can't get the blocks out of the container, they say things within Josh's earshot like, "I'm not sure if your brother knows how to do this. I'm not sure if he can help us with this"; or, when reading a book to Aviva, they might say, "There are so many dinosaurs on this page. I wish I knew which one is the Stegosauras and which is the T-Rex." This approach results in Josh racing to the rescue to solve these problems which provides an opportunity for him to experience the positive feelings of being his sister's helper on his (seemingly) own terms. (To learn more about helping older siblings adapt to a new baby, check out this blog.)

And finally, there is Riley (4), who is fully potty independent for pee but still insists on using a pullup to poop. None of the tactics her parents have tried—bribery/rewards, threats, comparing her to her peers ("All the other kids in your class go on the potty")—has worked. So they tell Riley that in one month the pullups will go away, just like the bottle and pacifier had to go away. She has a full month (they show her the days on the calendar to illustrate how far away this is) just for practice, not for pooping on the potty yet—that's not until May 1. Riley responds that she doesn't need to practice, she already knows how to poop on the potty. Her parents proceed with "I don't know...it usually takes a lot of practice." To prove them wrong, that night Riley marches to the potty and poops. (To learn more about positive approaches to potty learning, check out these blogs.)

My book, Why Is My Child in Charge? (release date, 9/2/2021) shares many stories and solutions like these that come directly from my work with families. Preorder now.