How The Obsession With Validating Feelings Is Failing Our Children (and resulting in less, not more, emotional regulation)
In a recent consult, the parents of a seven-year-old, who by nature is a very big reactor, shared that after a lot of hard work on managing their own emotions and being less reactive to him when he is having a difficult moment, he is now much better able to soothe himself. He will even voluntarily go into his room to take a break. They asked if it is okay to let him do this. They have heard so much about the importance of tuning into and acknowledging children's feelings. They worry that he won’t know that they are there for him—that they care about his emotions—and wonder if they should follow him and get him to talk.
Here is a child who has learned an amazing skill—to regulate himself in such a healthy and positive way. He is clearly letting his parents know that this is what he needs. There will be opportunities to talk about feelings, and to show that they see and feel him. But pursuing him in this moment would likely be experienced as intrusive, not respecting his boundaries.
Yes, I am a mental health professional who has dedicated over three decades to supporting children's social and emotional well-being. And yes, I believe that tuning in to and validating feelings is critically important for children's mental health and for healthy parent-child relationships. But what I see happening now is that parents have been led to believe (largely via popular Instagram accounts) that leaning deep into feelings is ALWAYS what kids need; that not doing so sends the message that you don’t care about your child’s feelings and are abandoning them in their moment of distress. This notion has had a very detrimental effect on many of the families I work with. Rather than following their children’s lead (true loving and "gentle" parenting), they are being intrusive and often inadvertently escalating their children’s dysregulation, not supporting their emotional regulation.
In practice, what kids need when it comes to exploring emotions is highly dependent on context and timing. It is not helpful when:
✔ It is intrusive—your child WANTS space—ala the example above.
✔ It is overwhelming because your child is totally dysregulated and can't process any input. I get a lot of video and audio recordings from parents so I can see and hear exactly how these difficult moments play out. What most parents are doing is making supportive statements, along the lines of, "This is a tough moment. I'm here with you." Indeed, it is very important to show children that they are seen, and that you understand and accept ALL of their emotions.
Where things go south is when parents repeat these statements over and over, ask their children about their feelings, and try to explore their emotions--all to show they care. But for many kids, especially the highly sensitive, big reactors, when they are in “red zone,” the more their parents talk and seek to engage, the more dysregulated they get. Validating feelings, "I know, you're really angry,” results in children shouting, "I AM NOT ANGRY!!" When children are in this high-arousal, agitated state, they are not able to absorb the meaning and intention of their parents’ supportive words. Too much language is overwhelming to their brains. More is not better in these moments.
I find what works best and meets children where they are at, when children’s brains are flooded with emotion, is to make one empathetic statement and then to be a quiet presence. “I know it’s hard when I can’t play with you because I have a mommy job to do.” Then move on and allow your child to feel what they need to feel. You don’t have to make it all better—these are everyday disappointments and frustrations that kids need to learn to cope with. Making a big deal out of it can be an obstacle to kids building frustration tolerance and resilience.
And sometimes, the best response, as I learned from one very sensitive mom with a very big reactor, is uttering a simple “mm-hmm” to acknowledge with minimal input that you see and feel your child. That can be pitch perfect.
For more on how to respond when your child is spiraling, check out this blog.
✔ An important transition needs to be made, such as you getting to work on time and your child to school on time. It is not loving for kids to have the power to prevent their parents from getting to work on time or to be late to school. (Note that entering the classroom once the morning activities have started is often very dysregulating to highly sensitive kids. It puts them off-kilter for the rest of the day.)
Going deep into feelings, asking questions about why they are having a hard time and offering up myriad calming strategies or solutions—is rarely helpful (read “gentle”) for many kids when it is time to make an important transition. It sounds good in theory, but in practice it often overwhelms and dysregulates them further.
What they need—what connection and respect looks like in these moments—is parents helping kids adapt by moving them along and getting them unstuck. They need parents to validate that they're having a difficult time and then help them through it: "I see you're having a hard time choosing an outfit. Time-timer says we have five minutes to get dressed. Then it is time to leave. If you choose not to put school clothes on, I will put some in your backpack and you can change anytime you like at school." Or, "Going from home to school feels hard some days. I will be your helper" as you get them as calmly as you can into the car to move them along.
Getting stuck with them—trying to process feelings when they are in this dysregulated state—often results in escalation, not calm resolution.
There may be time to go deeper into feelings at moments when your child is calm, regulated and able to process and reflect on their emotions. This might be on a car ride or when you are cuddling at bedtime. Trying to do this in the heat-of-the-moment often backfires.
Also note that many of the kids I work with resist reflecting on their feelings and experiences even in quiet moments. It feels overwhelming and they want to shut it down. This blog offers guidance on how to help kids feel more comfortable processing and talking about their emotions.
✔ It prevents you from setting an important limit for your child’s health and well-being, for example extending bedtime and interfering in your child getting the sleep they need. Mark and John are getting reports from the teacher that their six-year-old son, Liam, seems very lethargic and irritable. They are very worried about this but are at a loss for how to get him to go to bed at an appropriate time. The routine keeps getting longer and longer. When they try to say goodnight, he says he has more feelings to share. When they ask about these feelings, he seems flustered and often goes off on some totally unrelated tangent.
This is a phenomenon I hear about often from parents. I believe it is because kids today know that we are so concerned about their feelings that we will stop everything to explore them. These clever kids have figured out that if they tell their parents they are having big feelings, they will get more attention, extend bedtime, get out of doing a task or activity, be late for school, or divert their parents from setting an important limit.
Don’t get me wrong, they are not being “manipulative,” and I am not saying their feelings aren’t valid. It’s only natural for a child to want more time with the people they love and to do anything they can to keep that going.
The problem is when parents worry that these feelings are somehow harmful to their child and that they need to be processed and worked through immediately, exactly the predicament these dads are in. They are keenly focused on having a positive connection with their son and fear he will feel rejected if they don’t stay. But that results in his often not falling asleep until after 10 pm. They have to wake him up to go to school and he is very cranky. Mornings are miserable.
Mark and John know that this is very unhealthy and having a detrimental impact on Liam, which empowers them to work on tolerating his understandable disappointment when it’s time to say goodnight. They are ultimately able to set the loving limits at bedtime that ensures liam gets the sleep he needs…and they have the evening they need. (Guidance on how to establish loving limits at bedtime can be found here and in the chapter on sleep in my book, Why Is My Child In Charge?)
✔ It reinforces the false notion that you are not giving your child what they need. Ellie is having a hard time adapting to her new baby brother. Her mom, Maddy decides to fill Ellie’s cup and takes an entire day off to spend with her and do all the things Ellie loves. They have a great day.
Then, at bedtime, when Maddy is trying to say goodnight, Ellie begs for more books. Maddy explains that it’s time for lights-out. Ellie exclaims, “But Mommy, we haven’t had enough time together! You’re breaking my heart.” (This statement is frequently uttered by Ellie when she doesn’t get something she wants.) Maddy is vexed and paralyzed by this reaction. She tells me she feels she is losing confidence in her ability to be the parent Ellie needs her to be. (That’s what breaks my heart.) On the one hand, she is annoyed at Ellie for whom it’s never enough. She feels like Ellie is sucking the lifeblood from her—a terrible feeling that Maddy feels ashamed of. At the same time, Maddy questions herself and worries that maybe Ellie’s reaction is legitimate and that Maddy is, in fact, not giving her enough; that she is harming Ellie in some way when she can’t give her all of her time and attention. Acting on this worry and self-doubt, Maddy ends up agreeing to read a few more books, hoping it will satisfy Ellie. But Ellie then insists Maddy lie with her until she falls asleep, which means missing out on much of the evening that Maddy desperately needs to refuel.
While this is what Ellie wants, it’s not what she, nor Maddy, needs, because:
Maddy doesn’t get time in the evening to fill her own cup.
Maddy is feeling very angry and resentful towards Ellie, which feels awful and is not good for their relationship.
When Maddy avoids setting reasonable and developmentally appropriate limits, Ellie’s narrative that it is never enough is being validated, which is not helpful to her. It is an obstacle to her learning to accept not getting everything she wants (and the resilience that is born of learning that skill), and it is setting an unhealthy association/expectation that having a strong, positive relationship means never feeling disappointed or sad.
The mindshift that helps Maddy turn this around, for Ellie’s and her own mental health, is recognizing and accepting that this is Ellie’s way of saying that ending this great day feels really hard; and, that it doesn’t mean that Ellie is spoiled or that Maddy is a bad mom and not giving enough. This enables Maddy to feel comfortable and confident sticking to important limits that she knows are loving, even when Ellie doesn’t make her feel like she is being loving. This translates into Maddy getting comfortable telling Ellie at bedtime: "I know Sweetie, it is so hard to end such a fun day together. It never feels like enough. But it is time for lights-out. I love you so much and can't wait to see you in the morning." (There are lots of blogs on my website about how to set limits lovingly.)
For the vast majority of the families I see each year, the root cause of the challenge for which they are seeking consultation is an absence of limits and the power struggles that flourish in this void. That is what is making everyone miserable— parents and children—and is resulting in less, not more, emotional regulation (for kids and parents!) Often, a key obstacle to implementing loving and critically important limits is getting caught up in and worried about their child’s feelings. There is a way to be empathetic, to validate your child’s emotions AND help them adapt to and cope with everyday tasks and expectations. That is the needle that can and needs to be thread.