“We sit down for dinner. Declan (5) whines, ‘You didn’t get me my milk!” Not, ‘Thank you so much for this delicious meal you have made after a long workday, Mommy. Can I please have some milk?’ We get to the playground and he complains, ‘You didn’t bring the right pail!’ We read three books at bedtime, he accuses, ‘We didn’t get to read my favorite book about the pandas (because he hadn’t chosen it!) The whining is out of control and driving us insane. He finds fault with everything.”

“Nina (5) and I had a great day together, filled with lots of play and fun activities. Then, at bedtime, just when I was saying goodnight, she insisted she needed to go back downstairs to check on her Magnatile structure. She is a master of obfuscation, and we are trying to get a handle on that—so bedtime doesn’t become chaotic and so she goes to sleep at a reasonable hour. So, I said that wasn’t possible, it was time for sleep, and she could check on her creation first thing in the morning—it would still be there. She started crying and shouting, “This is the worst day ever!”

“My son, Harry (7) is very attached to me and demanding of my attention, which leads to him getting a lot more of it than my other kids. Last night when I told him a babysitter was coming, he pleaded for me not to go and accused, ‘You care more about your friends than me!’ This gets me in the gut and makes me feel guilty—like I’m rejecting and hurting him. When I take a step back, I know that it’s not wrong for me to want a night out to meet my own needs. He just makes it so hard.”

“Ceci (8) insists on accusing people of harming her when it’s clearly an accident and then demands apologies. For example, she was racing up the stairs to surpass her sister and stubbed her toe along the way. She started shouting at her sister that it was her fault and needs to apologize. Or, she’s at the kitchen counter coloring and some water spills onto her paper and smudges her picture. She accuses me of causing it and demands an apology.  We often just do it to pacify her and move on. But we know it’s unhealthy. We don’t know what to do.”

Why this mindset?

We can’t know exactly why kids react as they do. There’s no brain scan that tells us definitively what triggers their behavior. But the detective work I guide parents through to identify the root cause has led to insights into the meaning behind these behaviors. Almost always, temperament is a big factor.

Some kids, often those who are highly sensitive, filter their experiences through this victim mindset. They process their experiences in the world through a deficit, half-glass-empty lens. It’s a wiring issue, not a stance your child has chosen or that you have engendered in your child.

They have a lower threshold for discomfort. When something doesn’t happen the way they expect or desire, they have a hard time coping and often externalize blame. They react as if they have been wronged, wounded and are being deprived when something unexpected happens, when you set a limit they don’t like, or when you are not able to meet all of their needs. They demand apologies and compensation, lest they take their pound of flesh. 

I know that can be a hard pill to swallow, especially when you see other kids or have another child who is positive and easy-going (aka, a “dandelion” to your child’s “orchid.“) You wonder, "Why can't you just be like (insert the flexible, positive child) and see all the amazing things you have and get to do?!"

These kids are also extremely clever and know how to pull at their loving parents’ heartstrings to get them to give them what they want, like Harry who didn’t want his mom to go out with her friends. This dynamic is often at play with the parent who has assumed the role of the “emotional support parent”—the person whom they depend on to meet all their needs (demands) and prevent or solve all problems.

Environmental factors may also play a role, such as: a new baby in the family, sibling jealousy/competition, or another stressor, like a parent being absent. A mom has had to travel a lot recently to care for her ill mother. Her daughter, Maisy (4) is understandably feeling deprived and filtering everything through the “I’m never getting enough” lens. She is demanding mom make up for her absence by reading more and more books and extending cuddle time far beyond a healthy bedtime. Mom is having a hard time holding any limits out of guilt.

Jaden (6) is a middle child and is very competitive with his older brother (9.) He is constantly accusing his parents of being unfair: letting his older brother stay up later, even demanding that they weigh and measure their desserts because he is sure they are giving his brother a bigger portion.

And here’s a story from my own parenting trenches, that I am not proud of. I would give my kids—Sam and Jess—baths together every night starting when Jess was 6 months (and Sam was 3). Each night I would ask who wanted to get out first. Sam always wanted to stay in longer. Jess didn’t seem to care, not to mention that she wasn’t verbal yet and able to take a stance. Then, when Jess was about 20 months, I posed what I had come to consider the nightly rhetorical question. But on this occasion, Jess exclaimed: “I want to stay in!” Given that the “score” was 365 (give or take) to zero, I said of course Jess should get a turn. Sam’s response: “I never get to stay in the bath longer!”

How to Respond: What not to do

Try to change your child’s feelings—to logic them into rationality. If you’re like most parents I work with, your natural reaction may be to try to reason with your child:

"Why don't you see all the things we do for you? It’s never enough!”

"Why do you have to look at everything so negatively?"

Get defensive; to convince them you haven’t wronged them.

"We didn't read the Panda book because you didn't choose it! It's not my fault."

“Are you kidding me! You’ve gotten to stay longer in the bath every single night for a year! You get to do so much more than Jess.” (Which is exactly how I reacted—with anger and shaming.)

The problem with these responses is that refuting your child’s perspective and trying to change their minds usually results in them doubling-down on their stance/accusations. (They’re not pausing and thinking: “Good point, you’re right, that was totally irrational.”)

When the response includes shaming—the meta-message being “what’s wrong with you?”—it shuts kids down and makes learning any important lessons you’re trying to teach impossible.

Buy into the guilt and acquiesce to their demands. You cancel the babysitter. You let bedtime go on way too long. You let the more demanding child get what they want, often at the expense of the more adaptable child who forgoes their needs in favor of family peace.

Reacting in these ways sends several unhelpful messages to your child, including:

• Reinforcing the false notion that you’ve wronged your child and now you owe them.

• Engendering entitlement.

• Creating resentment in the siblings whose needs are put on the back burner.

• That you can control people by guilting them into doing what you want.

What to do

Show compassion while holding important limits.

"I hear that you’d like some milk. You’re welcome to pour yourself some whenever you like.” If they’re not old enough to do this independently, you might respond: “I’d be happy to get you that milk when you ask for it with respect and a kind voice.”

“You wish you had a different pail. I understand. You can choose to use the ones we have or you can play somewhere else at the park. You decide!"

"There are so many books to choose from each night! We are lucky to have so many. I can't wait to read the panda book tomorrow."

“I know you don’t like it when mommy goes out with friends and we have a babysitter. You want mommy here all the time. I love my time with you, too. I also love my time with my friends, so I will be going out. I’m not asking you to like it or agree with it; this is a mommy decision. I can’t wait to see you in the morning.”

“I have been away doing the very important job of taking care of grandma. I know you have missed mommy and I’ve missed you so much, too. I am going to add another five minutes to our cuddle time before bed so we have some extra time together.”  This acknowledges that being separated is hard and that her child needs something extra to fill her cup (which, by the way, may never feel full to her, no matter how much attention mom gives her!) At the same time it doesn’t play into or reinforce the notion that mom has done something wrong and owes her daughter—so now she has to let her stay up too late or meet other unhealthy demands. The fact is that these kinds of situations are going to arise that kids have to learn to cope with. You want to show empathy for the impact on them, but not to validate the narrative that they’ve been wronged. Those are two very different things.

“I know you love staying in the bath longer. But it’s my job to make sure both you and Jess get a turn to come out last. So, we are going to start switching off each night to make it fair. I know that’s a big change, and you may not like it, and that’s okay. I don’t expect you to be happy with the new plan.” That’s how I wish I had handled it. (The pain of 20/20 hindsight.)

“I know you feel it’s unfair that your brother gets to stay up later. You don’t like that rule. I totally understand why you would see it that way. But mommy and daddy are in charge of making rules for each child based on what you each need to grow healthy and strong. Your brother gets to stay up later because his body doesn’t need as much sleep. That’s what happens when you get older. He went to bed at 8 when he was your age and you’ll be able to stay up until 9 when you’re his age. Fair is not always equal.”

“We are not going to measure the desserts. They’re almost never exactly the same size. Sometimes yours might be bigger and sometimes your brother’s might be bigger. That happens. You can either eat yours or not. That’s up to you.”

"I know you're disappointed/angry that I won't let you finish your Magnatile structure when it feels so important to you right now. But it's time for bed. You can finish it in the morning."⁠ Then you hold the limit, tolerating your child’s displeasure. In a quiet moment, you can help them gain the self-awareness that is so important for all human beings but especially for HSCs. "You have really big feelings. When you are happy and having so much fun, like when were splashing in puddles all the way home in the rain earlier today. When you’re sad, or mad, or frustrated because you can't have something you want, those feelings are also really big and overwhelming and sometimes eat up all the good feelings. You can't remember the good stuff in those moments, even though both happy and hard things happen for everyone." When you validate your child’s experience and build their self-awareness, over time children are more likely to pause, reflect on their reactions, and build strong coping skills to better manage those difficult moments.

The goal is to help children see that not getting everything they want is about healthy and developmentally appropriate limits, not about love or favoritism. Liam’s parents want him to create a new narrative that is not one of “I am a victim, always being deprived”, but one that sounds more like, “When I can’t have everything the way I want it, and my parents set limits, it doesn’t mean I am not loved or valued.” Mature as this outlook may seem, over time, children can and do internalize this very important concept.

Related Resources:

10 Traits of Highly Sensitive Children

"This Is the WORST DAY EVER!" When one minor incident upends the entire day

How to Not Let Your Big Reactor Suck All the Life Out of Your Family

Teaching Kids that Fair is not Equal

You Are Not A Helicopter Parent. You Are Your Child's Emotional Support Parent

When Your Child Has a Pessimistic Outlook

Negative Self-Talk: What it means and what you can do

“It’s All Your Fault!” Why Your Child Blames You For Everything (and how to help kids learn to take responsibility for their mistakes)

When Not to Apologize to Your Child

He’s Going To Take His Pound of Flesh: When Your Child Demands to Equalize

Let me tell you the story of Amelia (4), a highly sensitive child who has very big reactions when something doesn’t happen the way she expects. If dad shows up at school instead of grandma, whom she was expecting, she will throw herself down in the parking lot and refuse to move. If there is a tiny poppy seed on her plain bagel, she will demand a new one.

When Amelia’s parents, Alan and Louisa, came for consultation, they were walking on eggshells. They found themselves accommodating to Amelia’s demands, as irrational as they seemed, to prevent the meltdowns that were so miserable for everybody.

In our consults, we worked on an approach that would enable Alan and Louisa to stay loving, calm and connected, while not giving in to Amelia’s demands. We needed to give her the chance to experience that she could tolerate the discomfort of the unexpected and develop critical flexibility.

After the third consult, Alan shared this story:

Amelia asked for an apricot (a fresh one.) When she cut it open (she likes to cut up her fruit to prevent the dripping that happens when she bites into juicy ones), she said it looked “gross and yucky” and refused to eat it. (It was perfectly fine, not rotten.)

Previously, Alan would have just given Amelia another apricot, rationalizing: “What’s the big deal? It’s just an apricot.” But in this instance, he mustered all his self-control and instead, did the following:

Every week I have multiple consults during which parents are in tears and experiencing utter despair over not being able to be the "gentle" parent they want to be. They feel like total failures. All are exhausted and depleted. Some are depressed.

⁠These parents all have "big reactors", aka, kids who go from 0-60 in a nanosecond if you: cut their sandwich the wrong way; take a different route home from school; pay ANY attention to the new baby; don't let them have another TV show; can't get their blankets on exactly the way they want after 20 minutes of trying, and so on. ⁠

These moms and dads, like all parents, want to be "gentle" parents: calm, loving, empathetic, validating and warmly connected to their kids. 

The problem is that, largely from the explosion of social media, they have gotten the message that being a "gentle" parent means: your child is never unhappy; you are always engaged in loving, joyful connection with your child;  you have the power to always calm your child when they are upset; you never feel frustrated, angry, overwhelmed, or want a break from your child, and act out on those feelings. ⁠
⁠
This might be possible if you have a super adaptable, go-with-the-flow child (who makes their parents look soooo good!) These are the kids born with an "easy" temperament, who weather changes and transitions easily and who cope with limits and life's natural disappointments and frustrations without a lot of distress and dysregulation.
⁠
But "sharing your calm" (aka "co-regulation") with a child whose epic meltdowns can be destructive, and venomous (a recent favorite is from a 4 yo who shouted at his father: "I'm taking you back to the daddy store!")⁠. and ⁠include "slaughterhouse screams" and physical aggression—hitting, spitting, kicking, scratching—is a whole different ballgame. ⁠