How To Be A "Gentle" Parent When You Have A Big Reactor
Every week I have multiple consults during which parents are in tears and experiencing utter despair over not being able to be the "gentle" parent they want to be. They feel like total failures. All are exhausted and depleted. Some are depressed.
These parents all have "big reactors", aka, kids who go from 0-60 in a nanosecond if you: cut their sandwich the wrong way; take a different route home from school; pay ANY attention to the new baby; don't let them have another TV show; can't get their blankets on exactly the way they want after 20 minutes of trying, and so on.
These moms and dads, like all parents, want to be "gentle" parents: calm, loving, empathetic, validating and warmly connected to their kids.
The problem is that, largely from the explosion of social media, they have gotten the message that being a "gentle" parent means: your child is never unhappy; you are always engaged in loving, joyful connection with your child; you have the power to always calm your child when they are upset; you never feel frustrated, angry, overwhelmed, or want a break from your child, and act out on those feelings.
This might be possible if you have a super adaptable, go-with-the-flow child (who makes their parents look soooo good!) These are the kids born with an "easy" temperament, who weather changes and transitions easily and who cope with limits and life's natural disappointments and frustrations without a lot of distress and dysregulation.
But "sharing your calm" (aka "co-regulation") with a child whose epic meltdowns can be destructive, and venomous (a recent favorite is from a 4 yo who shouted at his father: "I'm taking you back to the daddy store!"). and include "slaughterhouse screams" and physical aggression—hitting, spitting, kicking, scratching—is a whole different ballgame.
It is critically important to keep in mind that "gentle" parenting and "co-regulation" are not some prescribed, one-size-fits-all approaches. Being gentle and co-regulating with a big reactor may not look or feel like what it is "supposed" to be. It requires a whole different set of tools and heroic self-control which is very hard work and can be exhausting.
Connection and co-regulation may not be giving a bear hug or guiding your child to take deep breaths (because they are rejecting any and all calming tools), but sitting on the other side of the door and repeating a loving mantra as you give your child a safe-space break when they are spiraling out of control and being destructive.
Staying warmly connected may mean taking your own break from your child in order to help yourself calm and avoid reactivity.
Also keep in mind that “gentle” parenting doesn’t mean that your child is going to make you feel like you are being gentle, ala this recent example:
Molly wants to be a "gentle" parent and encourage her 3 yo, Leo's, exploration and follow his lead and interests.
Leo loves to go to the library after she picks him up from school. But it goes off the rails every time. Leo ultimately goes into over-arousal and starts running around like a whirling dervish and it turns into a very tense, physical power struggle with everyone miserable.
As we process this scenario, Molly recognizes that while going to the library may be what Leo wants, and seems like a great idea theoretically—after all, it's the library!—in reality, after a long day at preschool, Leo is on overdrive and needs less, not more stimulation.
So the gentle parenting decision she makes—to meet Leo's needs, not necessarily his wants—is that the library will be a weekend activity and that they will go directly home after school for down-time.
Molly knows that when Leo sees that they are really not going to the library after school, he is likely to have a major meltdown in the car, which may include: shrieking, taking off his shoes and throwing them at her, and kicking the seat—typical behaviors when he is in "red" zone. So she makes a clear plan for what she is going to do to keep herself from reacting so she can be the rock Leo needs her to be to weather the depths of his disappointment.
When she gets him from school, she takes his shoes off once he is buckled in to prevent unsafe behavior. She has secured a fidget and a chewable toy to the car seat so he has safe, soothing tools. And she has moved his car seat to the middle where he can't kick the back of a seat.
Indeed, Leo goes ballistic. Molly acknowledges his disappointment (one time—not repeatedly—see previous posts on why less is more in these charged moments) and then stays calm and quiet, even as Leo shouts that she is a mean, unkind mommy who is making bad choices!
Previously, this kind of reaction had made Molly feel like she was being anything but a "gentle" parent. She now knows not to judge her parenting choices based on Leo's reaction. Why would he be happy about this development?
When they arrive at home, Leo is still very dysregulated and screaming about how he needs to go the library. Molly brings him into his room to create a boundary instead of giving him free reign to be destructive in the house. She tells him that she is going to set up a library in his room and that when he's ready, she'd love him to join in.
She chooses one of his favorite books, organizes a bunch of his stuffed animals in a circle, and starts animatedly reading the book. Leo continues to insist that Molly take him back to the "real" library. She doesn't react but keeps reading and asking for the stuffed animals' participation. Then she tells Leo that his animals want him to be the librarian/reader. She pauses and waits. He calms, picks out a book and begins...
Being a gentle parent also means being gentle with yourself. If you have a big reactor, this means managing your expectations—of your child and yourself—and not judging yourself based on your child’s behavior. Your child is going to have more frequent and intense meltdowns. It is not your fault.
It is so important if you have a big reactor not to compare yourself to parents with kids who are more regulated and "chill." This a destructive rabbit hole I hope you will not go down for your own mental health...and your child's! (And for those of you who have an adaptable kid, please don't judge your peers. You have not walked in their shoes.)
You are not going to be able to always calm your child, or remain calm yourself. You are going to need more breaks. As one mom put it, “I am not a bottomless pit of empathy.”
It is critical for your mental health, and your ability to be the best parent you can be to your little one, that you manage your expectations—of your child and yourself. It's the "expectation gap" that causes so much frustration and despair—when you expect your child to be able to manage a transition, a disappointment, something unexpected, no matter how much amazing preparation you have done to avoid the meltdown—and yet they still fall apart.
Or, you expect that somehow you are always going to have the herculean ability to stay calm and loving in the face of those "slaughterhouse screams" (as one dad put it), or vitriol and venom ala "You are a bad, mean mommy monster and you don't love me."
I find that once parents manage their expectations, accept that parenting is going to look very different with a big reactor vs a go-with-the-flow kiddo, and give themselves some grace, they are better able to be the rock their big reactors need them to be.
Please know that just weathering a storm—even if you are on the other side of the door saying a calming mantra in order to keep you and your child safe—is what makes you a "gentle" parent. You are letting your child know that you can tolerate their distress, and that they are not alone. That is a gift to yourself and your child.
Related resources on how to be gentle and co-regulate with a big reactor
Time Out 2.0: What To Do When Time-In Doesn’t Work
How to help children manage their big emotions