My 3 1/2 -year-old has started to get up in the middle of the night after saying he had a bad dream. He comes into our room and wants to sleep with us. We’ve been able to get him back into his bed, but he won’t let us leave until he falls back to sleep. Some nights that can take over an hour, and he often gets up multiple times in a night. No one is getting enough sleep and we are all very cranky. We want to be sensitive to his fears but at the same time help everyone get more sleep.
This is a very common phenomenon starting at around 3 years, as this is the age at which children’s imaginations really start to take off. At the same time, they don’t have a very firm grasp on the difference between fantasy and reality. This translates into the development of fears: the monster from the book may appear in their bedroom; the snake in the TV show about animals might climb through their window. Naturally, these fears are more likely to emerge at night when the lights are off and children are alone. Understandably, most parents feel it would be harmful to leave a child when she is frightened.
But this is one of those parenting moments when what is best for the child is not necessarily consistent with our impulses; when the most effective strategy, in this case, for helping a child learn to cope with her fears, is counter-intuitive. We think that staying with children until they fall back to sleep is the best and most loving thing to do. But in fact, allowing a child to sleep in your bed or staying with her until she falls back to sleep after having a bad dream, inadvertently confirms your child’s belief that there is really something to be afraid of and that she is only okay if you are with her; that she is not safe on her own.
The only way children (or any of us) get over their fears is by living through them and experiencing that the fears are unfounded. For example, when a child finally goes down the big slide he was terrified of and sees that he survived; or, when a child makes it through and thrives by the end of the first week of preschool after screaming for dear life not to be left in this strange, scary place. At nighttime the same rules apply: your child needs to experience that the fears in his head are not real and that he is okay on his own. He doesn’t need you to be with him to be safe. We don’t want to set kids up to think that they can’t handle these feelings and that they can only cope if you are with them, which will not always be the case. We want to empower them with the tools and confidence to master these fears. This is very important to keep in mind, because if you think that you are hurting your child by not physically being with him as he works through his fears, it will be very difficult to follow through with any plan that entails setting some limits and boundaries around sleep. Note that research shows that allowing children to learn to sleep on their own is growth-promoting (“positive stress”) and not harmful. (Here is a good piece on myths/facts about sleep training.)
The other factor to keep in mind is that young children are very clever. They quickly put two and two together: saying they had a bad dream results in a lot of attention in the middle of night and often lands them a spot in their parents’ bed. This can take on a life of its own and lead to major sleep deprivation for parent and child which has its own set of negative consequences.
The following strategies can be helpful in making a plan for how to deal with middle-of-the-night wakings:
Talk to your child about his “worry” versus his “thinking” brain. Explain that there are different parts of our brains. We all have a “worry” brain that makes us think things are scary, like monsters or ghosts. We also have a “thinking” part of our brain that helps us know whether something is real or not. Sometimes our worry brains trick us into thinking we need to be afraid of something when actually we’re totally safe, like when we are afraid that mommy might not return from a work trip, even though she always comes back. Putting concepts into categories can be very helpful for young children. It helps them process and make sense of complex ideas.
Include time in your bedtime routine to go through the list of your child’s worries and help him use his thinking brain to problem-solve.If he doesn’t like it pitch black, put a nightlight in his room. If he’s afraid of monsters, remind him that they are in his worry brain and then go through his room together to show him there are no scary beings lurking around. If he’s afraid of something coming in his window, show him how it shuts tight and can be locked. This gives children a sense of control which reduces fears. Some parents spray a special potion (water) around the room and use other strategies like this to keep monsters and other scary things at bay. The risk of these kinds of solutions is that they suggest that monsters, etc. do exist which can lead to confusion for children if we are also trying to help them understand these fears are not real.
Co-opt the love-object. “Loveys”—those special stuffed animals, blankets, etc., that young children become very attached to—can be powerful tools for soothing children and helping them cope in stressful situations. They can reduce bedtime fears in several ways:
--Incorporate the lovey into your bedtime routine. Bear can sit with your child while reading and cuddle with her while singing lullabies. The more your child associates her lovey with your nurturing family routines, the more powerful its ability to soothe her during separations and other stressful times.
--Put your child in the role of being a helper and protector for her lovey. Suggest that Bear needs her help to see he’s safe at night. Have her help you explain to her lovey that the scary things are in his worry brain. This puts your child in the driver’s seat and in a mindset that she is the strong, capable one who can keep her lovey safe.
Provide soothing tools for your child. Help your child identify ways he can soothe himself when he wakes up in the middle of the night, such as: singing himself or his lovey a favorite song, or hugging a memory foam pillow—something many children find very soothing. Empowering him with tools for calming himself helps him feel in control and able to take care of himself.
Make a bedtime tape. Using a digital audio device, record 20 minutes or so of you reading books and singing bedtime songs with your child. When you put him to sleep at night and/or when he wakes up in the middle of the night, he can play this tape to help him transition to being separated from you. You can show him how to push the button to make it play.
Set a plan for exactly what will happen when he wakes up. Every family comes up with a different plan based on their comfort level with allowing their child to work through her fears. Keep in mind that the more you intervene, the more stimulating it is for your child, and the harder it is for her to fall back to sleep. The key elements should include the following:
--Let your child know that if she wakes up in the middle of the night from a bad dream she can remind herself about her worry vs. thinking brain, that the fears aren’t real, and that she has all the soothing tools you have identified above to help her calm herself.
--If your child calls out to you in the middle of the night, let her know that you will go in one time to reassure her that all is well and to remind her about her worry vs. thinking brain and about all her soothing tools. You can help her turn the tape on but be clear that you will do that one time only (as some children will keep calling out to have you keep turning it back on). Also note that while this tape works great for some children, for others it becomes just another variable that leads to power struggles. Use your judgment—you know your child best.
--If your child comes to your room in the middle of the night, quietly and calmly escort her back to her own room. (Remember, there is no need for anger or punishment. Your child is not misbehaving or purposely trying to drive you mad. She is acting on her feelings and needs your support and appropriate limits to help her cope.) Remind her of her worried vs. thinking brain and all her coping tools, tuck her back in, and leave. Let her know that if she chooses to get out of her room again, you will put up a gate or use a “monkey lock” (a mechanism that safely wedges the door a few inches open) on your child’s bedroom door to help her stay in her room. These barriers prevent children from repeatedly leaving their rooms, averting the stress for both you and your child that results when you have to keep physically forcing her back into her room. Be sure to remind her that it is her choice—if she stays in her room then there is no need for the gate or lock.
--Be sure to use a positive tone of voice throughout the process. Children react as much to your non-verbal cues as your words. If you show worry or angst, it signals to your child that there is something to be anxious about. You want to project that all is well and that she is safe and secure in her room on her own.
--In the morning, be sure to emphasize that while she was afraid, she stayed in her room all night and now she sees that she is perfectly fine and that the fears were in her head. This is the foundation you can then build from, continuing to remind her about her worry vs. thinking brain.
Role-play the plan. Once you have devised an airtight plan that you feel confident you can implement, regardless of your child’s reaction, tell him exactly what the plan will be for middle-of-the-night-wakings. (Don’t assess your strategy based on your child’s response—just because he doesn’t like a limit doesn’t mean it’s not good for him.) Then practice/role-play the plan in advance. This can make a big difference in helping children adapt to the new expectations. Have him pretend he’s had a bad dream or has woken up feeling afraid in the middle of the night. Prompt him to call out to you or to get up and come to your room. Then play out the process—walking him back to his room, reminding him of his worry vs. thinking brain and of all his calming strategies. Have him pretend to get up again and then put up the gate or monkey lock. Remind him: “Monkey lock is our friend, He protects you and helps you stay in your room so you can get a good night’s sleep.” Practicing lets your child experience exactly what to expect. Remind him that it is his choice. If he stays in his room then there is no need for the gate or monkey-lock.
If you don’t feel comfortable letting your child fuss and protest once you’ve set the limit, figure out what plan you can make that you can stick to that will ultimately help her experience that she is okay in the middle of the night. Some families decide to go in periodically to keep reassuring their child that all is well—mommy and daddy are still there in the house and everyone is safe. Some parents make a plan that involves sitting close to the child’s bed until she falls back to sleep with the caveat that there is no interaction—that it is not talking or play time and her job is to get her mind and body back to sleep. With each consecutive night the parent moves the chair farther away until he/she is out of the room completely. (Note that while this plan is soothing and can be effective for some children, for others it is very stimulating to have a parent just feet away. All their energy gets focused on seeking their parents’ attention which becomes an obstacle to settling down and falling back to sleep. It is also hard for many parents to be sitting right there and not respond to a child who is begging for their attention.) As you are establishing your plan, what’s most important to keep in mind is to limit the amount of interaction to avoid reinforcing your child’s dependence on your support during the night.
While these are some of the most difficult moments for parents, it’s these experiences that enable you to have the greatest impact on positively shaping your children’s development. You are helping them feel confident that they can cope with the other challenges they will face as they grow.
Copyright Lerner Child Development, LLC 2019 All RIghts Reserved