The "Have-To": A simple strategy to prevent power struggles
Every week I receive video and audio recordings from parents of challenging moments with their children that they want help understanding and effectively addressing. They almost always involve power struggles—the most pervasive problem for which parents seek my help.
In a recent recording, a seven-year-old, whom we'll call Ryder, was arguing with his dad, Arthur, at bedtime about why he couldn't go downstairs and do art instead of having book time:
Dad: "There is no going downstairs when it's bedtime."
Ryder: "That's stupid. All you want me to do is read and read and read and read because you think it's educational. Well art is educational too. Haven't you ever heard of art class?"
Dad: "It is bedtime, which is reading time."
Ryder: "That doesn't make any sense! You never let me do anything I want to do. This is the worst day ever!"
Dad: "That is not true, Ryder. You get to do so many things you want to do..." as Arthur proceeds to remind Ryder of many recent examples.
Arthur's repeated efforts to explain (defend) himself—to convince Ryder to see that his accusations are unfounded, and that the limit is fair, is just fodder for Ryder to keep upping the ante. His retorts get more fierce and increasingly irrational: "You care more about Lilah (his younger sister) than me! She gets to do art whenever she wants!" "You are so mean to me. I don't even think you love me!"
This goes on for over 20 minutes, with Arthur playing defense, countering every accusation and negotiation point. He is completely worn down and ends up letting Ryder do art in his room for an extra 30 minutes before lights-out.
I share this encounter because it reflects the stories I hear from families on a daily basis. A four-year-old launches into a long explanation of why she needs more time to make food for her stuffed animals, right when it's time to go to school. Her mom says she can have five more minutes. But when the timer goes off, her daughter comes up with another task she needs to do, the struggle continues. They are ultimately late for school and separate with everyone exasperated.
A five-year-old draws her parents into a 10-minute discussion about why she should be able to watch another episode of her show, talking circles around them until their heads are about to explode.
As we analyze these interactions, it becomes evident that the foundational problem is that their kids have found a LOOPHOLE: the absence of a clear limit that creates a void—an opening and opportunity—for kids to try to thwart their parents from setting the limits they don't like. Once the child effectively engages their parents in a debate or negotiation, the child sees that there is a chance that they can get their parents to cave in on or amend the limit to their liking. The longer the child can keep their parents engaged in these debates/battles (and parents will stay a long time, hoping that if they can just get their child to agree to respect the limit, they can head off the dreaded tantrum), the more revved up and irrational their children tend to get. It is utterly exhausting for everyone involved.
The loophole creates a vacuum that children, especially the fierce and feisty, fill—handily refuting all your talking points and making their case about why the limit is unnecessary or even wrong. They accuse you of being mean: they never get enough time to play before dinner. You are being unfair: you let the older sibling stay up later. You are a bad parent: don't you know that it's illegal to ignore your child? (This, shouted to parents, both attorneys, who had said after lights-out they were not coming back into their child's room, even if he called out for them). And, of course, the guilt trip: child accuses his mom that she only makes foods that she likes; she doesn't care about what he likes, and so he is just going to starve.
While it feels manipulative and maddening, your kids are just very strategic and smart. They are doing what their DNA dictates—to pursue what they want, which may be: to have your attention 24/7; to enjoy endless sweets and screentime; to have 10 books at bedtime; to get the desired toy; or, to stay home, in their comfort zone, instead of having to make a transition to school or an activity.
It is up to us—as the adults guiding their way through the world—to figure out what our kids need and to set the limits that ensure their healthiest development: to get the sleep their brains and bodies need, to get to school on time, to eat more healthy than junk foods, to learn to accept when they can't get what they want it.
Which brings me to the point of this newsletter (brevity is not my strong suit)—to share a new strategy that has been helping many families avoid these pernicious power struggles that are making life so miserable.
The Have-To: So simple yet so powerful
For most of the moms and dads I meet with, it is really hard to think clearly and stick to important limits in the face of a fierce, clever child who is making outrageous, triggering declarations and accusations. It takes a heroic amount of parental self-control not to react.
Since I am in the business of helping parents solve vexing parenting challenges in ways that are loving AND effective, I needed to come up with an easy, go-to tool to help parents avoid going down this reactive rabbit hole; to be more clear about their expectations while using as little language as possible. For in these encounters, the more talking parents do, the more it tends to amp up their kids.
That tool is the "Have-To." It's an add-on to the "Two-Great Choices."
Here is how it goes:
You start by explaining to your child, in a quiet moment when they are regulated—NOT in the heat of the moment when their brains are on fire—that there are choices and there are Have-Tos. Choices are things they get to decide, like what flavor ice cream they want, which pants to wear to school, what toys to play with, etc. Have-Tos are not choices; they are limits that have to be set and tasks that have to be done because they keep kids safe, healthy and strong.
Let them know you will always tell them when it's a Have-To, and that is the signal that lets them know it is not something you will be debating or negotiating. You will always explain the reason for the Have-To, and you will be sticking to it because it's your job. (Explanations for your rules are very important for kids.)
Share some common examples of Have-Tos: being buckled into a car seat, staying in their rooms at night to be sure their bodies get the rest they need, brushing teeth, wearing shoes outside the house, getting to school on time, going to a soccer class you have signed up for.
Be clear that the Have-Tos are up to moms and dads, not kids, and that you completely understand if they don't like some (or all!) of these Have-Tos. You are not asking them to agree with them, and you will not be trying to convince them to cooperate. (Just making this statement can head off protests.)
Explain that after you tell them what the Have-To is, they will always have "two great choices": choice #1 is to cooperate with the Have-To; choice #2 is that they can't or won't cooperate, in which case, because you love them so much, you are not going to fight anymore. You will just be a helper and move them through the necessary task. (See the Two-Great Choices blog for how to approach implementing Option #2.)
Offer a few examples that your child can relate to, like: It has been really hard to get out of the house in the mornings and it has been very stressful for everyone. That is a mommy/daddy problem we have to solve, since we are the leaders of the family and are responsible for making a plan that is healthy for everyone. That means we are not going to fight with you anymore. That is not good for anyone. Instead, we are going to let you know exactly what to expect so you can make the best decision for yourself. Here is the plan. We will be leaving every morning at 8:30–that is a Have-To. We will always let you know when there are five more minutes before it's time to get into the car so you can do whatever you need to do before we go. When it's time to leave, you can choose to be in charge of your body and get yourself in the car seat. (Framing it this way connects to their desire to be in charge.) If you choose not to do that, or can't do that, then we will be your helper and get you into the car seat. That may feel uncomfortable to all of us, if we need to carry you to the car, but it is our job to get you to school on time and for us to be at work on time so that is what we will do.
What parents are finding is that when they use the Have-To consistently, it becomes a powerful cue that lets their children know exactly what to expect—that their parent is not going to engage in a protracted negotiation, and is going to stick to the limit—which is regulating and makes it more likely they will be in a frame of mind to process the two-great choices and make a decision to cooperate.
Note that whether they choose to cooperate or not, most importantly, this approach prevents the protracted battle that is so unpleasant and useless for everyone. For example, the child mentioned earlier who was vying for more screen time. The parents ended up sticking to the limit, but only after 10 plus minutes of arguing with their 5 yo which led to no positive solution and just made everyone miserable. Now that they are using the Have-To, even when their daughter doesn't accept a limit, they no longer enable the battle. Here is how it goes: "Anu, putting the tablet away now is a Have-To. That is going to happen. How it happens is up to you. Option #1 is you follow the rule give it to us. Option #2 is you choose not to turn it off and we have to take it from you, which may feel uncomfortable but the screen is going away now." Battle eliminated.
The Ryder Redo
In a quiet, not heat-of-the moment, Ryder's parents explain the difference between a choice and a Have-to, ala the description above. They brainstorm a list of what would go in each category. (Kids are generally keen on participating in this exercise when it is all in theory, not practice!)
They then acknowledge that they know accepting limits, especially at bedtime, is hard. But that since it is their job to make rules that keep kids healthy, the firm, family rule is that after wash-up/bathroom time, the kids go directly into their rooms where they stay until morning. It is a mom/dad job to be sure kids have a chance to calm their minds and bodies for sleep, so they will not allow playing or running around the house right before bed as those are daytime activities.
They go on to explain to Ryder that he will always have choices about how he wants to spend his 20 minutes of quiet time in his room before lights-out: he can opt to read on his own, or to have one of them read to him. They tell him that they love him so much they are not going to get into a debate about this. They acknowledge that they can't stop him from trying to negotiate, but they won't be responding. They are very confident about their rule and accept that he may not happy about it. They also explain that staying in his room after lights-out is a Have-To. How it happens is up to him. Option #1 is to stay in his room on his own. Option #2 is he comes out in which case they will use a door-helper to help him follow the rule. (See these articles on sleep to learn more about how to set clear and loving boundaries at bedtime and prevent the power struggle.)
Implementation
The next night, after his shower, Ryder announces that he is fine not doing art that night (Phew!). But when the 20 minutes of reading time are up, he insists his dad, Arthur, keep reading because he cannot wait to know what happens to Harry next. Arthur acknowledges that it's really hard to stop reading at such an exciting moment, but going to bed now is a Have-To. Ryder immediately launches into furthering his case. (At one point, he offers his dad $5 to keep reading!)
Arthur does not respond to his accusations and pleas, knowing this will just fuel the fire and signal to Ryder that he will be going down this path with him. Instead, Arthur says he will be so happy to continue reading Harry Potter the next night, and that he can't wait to see Ryder in the morning. Then Arthur leaves. Ryder shouts from his room for a good long time but Arthur doesn't react. Ryder comes charging out of the room. As calmly as possible, and without any language, Arthur takes Ryder back to his room and uses the door helper to prevent Ryder from continuing to leave the room and promulgating a whole other pernicious, and physical power struggle. Ryder continues to shout and protest from his room. But after about 10 minutes with no response, he settles and goes to sleep. After this episode, when his parents continue to be clear about the expectations and follow through, without engaging in debates and negotiations, bedtime battles and other scenarios with the same dynamic, abate.
When it comes to parenting, there is no panacea, but parents are regularly reporting back to me that using this tool has been a game-changer. They find that it is as helpful to them as it is to their kids. Having this simple language is doable and provides clarity as to what needs to happen in that moment. It enables them to stay regulated and less reactive, and on track with the plan. And it is resulting in their kids doing less challenging/protesting and more cooperating. I hope you will find similar success.
Related resources:
How "Two-Great Choices" Prevents Power Struggles
It's All Your Fault! Why Your Kids Blame You For Everything And How To Respond
This Is The Worst Day Ever!
Negative Self-Talk: Why It Happens And What You Can Do