Duane and Melanie are trapped in daily food battles with their four-year-old, Mathius, over whether or not he has eaten enough growing foods to have a sweet dessert. Dinnertime is consumed by Mathius’s constantly announcing that he’s ready for dessert while his parents demand that he take “one more bite.” He nibbles at a piece of food and insists that this qualifies. Duane and Melanie find themselves debating whether this meets their criteria. They eventually get worn down and give in, albeit with a good dose of annoyance at Mathius for manipulating them and putting them in this position of having to cave on limits they think are important in order to keep the peace at mealtime.

Battles like this over dessert are a perennial problem for many families. Like Duane and Melanie, the major pitfall that perpetuates this dynamic is parents trying to change their child’s behavior—to get him to agree to eat more growing foods so they don’t have to deal with the inevitable battle over dessert. Further, their interpretation that their child’s behavior is manipulative—that he is forcing them to give him what he desires—leads to anger and frustration which only fuel the power struggle and interfere in parents’ ability to think clearly about the situation and make a better plan.

Once you accept that you can’t make your child change his behavior, and that he is just being strategic to get his way (which is working) you are positioned to set and enforce limits you actually have the power to control. You can’t make your child eat more growing foods, but you can limit sweets, even if he doesn’t like it. Remember, just because your child doesn’t like a limit doesn’t mean it’s not good for him.

The Plan