How to End Mealtime Madness Part 2: No more battles over dessert

Duane and Melanie are trapped in daily food battles with their four-year-old, Mathius, over whether or not he has eaten enough growing foods to have a sweet dessert. Dinnertime is consumed by Mathius’s constantly announcing that he’s ready for dessert while his parents demand that he take “one more bite.” He nibbles at a piece of food and insists that this qualifies. Duane and Melanie find themselves debating whether this meets their criteria. They eventually get worn down and give in, albeit with a good dose of annoyance at Mathius for manipulating them and putting them in this position of having to cave on limits they think are important in order to keep the peace at mealtime.

Battles like this over dessert are a perennial problem for many families. Like Duane and Melanie, the major pitfall that perpetuates this dynamic is parents trying to change their child’s behavior—to get him to agree to eat more growing foods so they don’t have to deal with the inevitable battle over dessert. Further, their interpretation that their child’s behavior is manipulative—that he is forcing them to give him what he desires—leads to anger and frustration which only fuel the power struggle and interfere in parents’ ability to think clearly about the situation and make a better plan.

Once you accept that you can’t make your child change his behavior, and that he is just being strategic to get his way (which is working) you are positioned to set and enforce limits you actually have the power to control. You can’t make your child eat more growing foods, but you can limit sweets, even if he doesn’t like it. Remember, just because your child doesn’t like a limit doesn’t mean it’s not good for him.

The Plan

With these insights, Duane and Melanie put in place the following new plan:

They make it clear to Mathius what constitutes sufficient growing food intake. They purchase a plate for Mathius that has a divider with one large and one smaller section. In the large compartment they put a manageable portion of growing foods. (They start with the minimum they feel is acceptable. For some kids, having too much food on their plate feels overwhelming and they reject it all.) In the smaller section, they put additional portions of the growing foods in case Mathius wants more. They don’t want to limit his intake of healthy foods; they just want to be crystal clear about how much growing food is sufficient to qualify for a sweet, without creating a “clean plate club.”

They set a clear limit on dessert based on their estimation of what constitutes sufficient healthy foods. They clearly explain to Mathius that the large section of the plate contains the minimum amount of growing foods his body needs. If he finishes the food in that compartment, he can choose a sweet dessert. If he doesn’t finish all the food in that compartment, that’s fine – it’s his choice. They are not forcing anything; but in that case, his dessert can be fresh fruit—strawberries or apple slices—but not a sweet treat. He is the decider of which way it goes.

This beauty of this plan is that there is no "gray zone"—that deadly space in which the expectations are not clear and parents try all sorts of tactics to get their child get with the program. Instead, this plan gets parents out of negotiating how many more bites the child has to take. The rules/expectations are crystal clear for parent and child which prevents power-struggles.

The Outcome
Initially, Mathuis protests and tries to draw his parents back into the bargaining process. But with a plan in place that they feel good about, and that they can control, Duane and Melanie are able to stay firm, calm and loving even in the face of Mathuis’ threats (“I’ll never eat a growing food again if you don’t give me the cookies!”). When he doesn’t finish the growing foods in the large compartment, and refuses the fruit choices, they respond: “No problem, that’s up to you. If you change your mind and decide you’d like some fruit, let us know.” When they don’t react to his protests and he sees they are standing firm, he ultimately choses a fruit. After two nights of implementing the plan, he understands the new deal in the house and either eats all the growing foods or accepts a fruit for dessert without a fight.

This case is from my book, Why Is My Child In Charge?, coming out in September, 2021. Through stories of my work with families, I provide a roadmap, like the one above, for how to solve your most vexing childrearing challenges with love and appropriate limits. It's available now for pre-order.