Let me tell you the story of Amelia (4), a highly sensitive child who has very big reactions when something doesn’t happen the way she expects. If dad shows up at school instead of grandma, whom she was expecting, she will throw herself down in the parking lot and refuse to move. If there is a tiny poppy seed on her plain bagel, she will demand a new one.

When Amelia’s parents, Alan and Louisa, came for consultation, they were walking on eggshells. They found themselves accommodating to Amelia’s demands, as irrational as they seemed, to prevent the meltdowns that were so miserable for everybody.

In our consults, we worked on an approach that would enable Alan and Louisa to stay loving, calm and connected, while not giving in to Amelia’s demands. We needed to give her the chance to experience that she could tolerate the discomfort of the unexpected and develop critical flexibility.

After the third consult, Alan shared this story:

Amelia asked for an apricot (a fresh one.) When she cut it open (she likes to cut up her fruit to prevent the dripping that happens when she bites into juicy ones), she said it looked “gross and yucky” and refused to eat it. (It was perfectly fine, not rotten.)

Previously, Alan would have just given Amelia another apricot, rationalizing: “What’s the big deal? It’s just an apricot.” But in this instance, he mustered all his self-control and instead, did the following:

"You have to put all my blocks back exactly the way I had them! You are not allowed to touch my blocks!" 

"Stop talking to mommy! I have a question and she needs to listen to me right now!"(Shouting at dad who is in a conversation with mom.) ⁠

While kids of all temperaments have been known to act like dictators at times, parents who have HSCs (highly sensitive children) report that their children make these kinds of seemingly outrageous demands on a regular basis. If the demand is not met, their kids can be very angsty and unpleasant. There may be a lot of whining or a full-blown tantrum. Many parents have said they feel like they are "negotiating with terrorists" during these encounters.

⁠These moments are so maddening because:⁠
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1) The tone the child takes is mortifying and "obnoxious" and totally unacceptable.⁠
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2) What triggers the child seems so minor and irrational, and makes parents feel like their they are raising spoiled brats that they need to "toughen up."⁠

This makes it very challenging for parents who are working so hard to be the empathetic, calm, connected moms and dads they want to be. ⁠

A common knee-jerk reaction is to admonish or correct: "You can't talk to us that way! It is disrespectful." This tends to amp kids up further. They are quick to shame in the face of being corrected—which they experience as criticism— propelling them into further dysregulation. When their brains are flooded with overwhelming feelings, they are unable to process or learn any lesson you are trying to teach them.⁠ (Here's more on how to teach lessons to kids who can't tolerate being corrected.) 

What Your Child Needs