Arthur and Hadley are distressed about the constant power struggles with their son, Ryder (7). They send me audio of a difficult encounter so I can hear exactly how these scenarios unfold and help them figure out what they can do differently. In this case, Ryder is insisting that he needs to go back downstairs after he is already in his room getting ready to read with Arthur before lights out. Ryder proclaims that he doesn’t want to read books. He wants to use his time to paint.

Arthur: "Ryder, we are not doing art now. We are getting ready for bed. There is no going back downstairs."

Ryder screams: "That's stupid. All you want me to do is read and read and read and read because you think it's educational. Well art is educational too. Haven't you ever heard of art class?"

Arthur: "It’s bedtime, which is reading time."

Ryder: "That doesn't make any sense! You never let me do anything I want to do. This is the worst day ever!"

Arthur: "That is not true, Ryder. You get to do so many things you want to do..." as Arthur proceeds to remind Ryder of many recent examples.

Arthur's repeated efforts to explain (defend) himself—to convince Ryder to see that his accusations are unfounded and that the limit is fair—is just fodder for Ryder to keep upping the ante. His retorts get more fierce and increasingly irrational: "You care more about Lilah (his younger sister) than me! She gets to do art whenever she wants! You are so mean to me. I don't even think you love me!" This goes on for over 20 minutes, with Arthur playing defense, countering every accusation and negotiation point. He is completely worn down and ends up letting Ryder do art for an extra 30 minutes before lights-out. After we process this experience, Arthur makes the following course corrections:

"My child won't listen" ranks as one of, if not the, most frequent complaints from parents that drive them to schedule a consult. Typical stories include:

Ben (6) has a breakfast bar every morning before school and refuses to throw away the wrapper. He ignores us or outright refuses. We have tried everything to get him to cooperate with this basic rule. We, of course, end up throwing it away. What else are we supposed to do? How do we make him listen?

Kayla (4) refuses to wash her hands before dinner. We have tried rewards, bribes, you name it. Nothing works. She wins every time--her hands just don't get washed. We are so frustrated but are out of tools. How do you make a kid cooperate?

How to get kids to follow directions and make good choices is a topic I have addressed frequently in previous blogs. I am revisiting it here because it speaks to the bane of most parents' existence: the power struggle, which can be eliminated. And, because I have some new insights to share. Even after 30 plus years in the childrearing trenches (my own and with all the families I have had the honor to work with), and having just turned 60!, I am still gaining new understanding about the meaning of kids' behavior and what they need to thrive.

Key Insights