You may have heard the saying, “Kids do well when they can."[1] This is the idea that when kids are struggling, it’s not because they are misbehaving or not cooperating on purpose. It’s either because they don’t have the skills, or access to the skills, necessary to manage in that moment. The former might be expecting a very active two-year-old to sit happily in a restaurant for 30 minutes. The latter might be a four-year-old who understands, from a cognitive perspective, that hitting is not okay. But when they are triggered by a big feeling, their downstairs takes over and so they hit. 

It's the expectation gap that causes so much stress in families because parents are constantly frustrated and kids feel misunderstood when their unintentional actions are treated as misbehavior. They also get the message that they are not good or capable enough. Having appropriate expectations can move you from anger and frustration to empathy and help you establish the most loving, effective ways to support your child, especially in difficult moments.

"My child won't listen" ranks as one of, if not the, most frequent complaints from parents that drive them to schedule a consult. Typical stories include:

Ben (6) has a breakfast bar every morning before school and refuses to throw away the wrapper. He ignores us or outright refuses. We have tried everything to get him to cooperate with this basic rule. We, of course, end up throwing it away. What else are we supposed to do? How do we make him listen?

Kayla (4) refuses to wash her hands before dinner. We have tried rewards, bribes, you name it. Nothing works. She wins every time--her hands just don't get washed. We are so frustrated but are out of tools. How do you make a kid cooperate?

How to get kids to follow directions and make good choices is a topic I have addressed frequently in previous blogs. I am revisiting it here because it speaks to the bane of most parents' existence: the power struggle, which can be eliminated. And, because I have some new insights to share. Even after 30 plus years in the childrearing trenches (my own and with all the families I have had the honor to work with), and having just turned 60!, I am still gaining new understanding about the meaning of kids' behavior and what they need to thrive.

Key Insights

This article is the first in a series based on my 2021 book, Why Is My Child In Charge? Through stories of my work with families, I show how making critical mindshifts—seeing children’s behaviors through a new lens —empowers parents to solve their most vexing childrearing challenges, including: tantrums, aggressive behavior, sleep, mealtime battles, and potty learning. Most importantly, it shows you how to get back in the driver's seat--where you belong and where your child needs you to be. 

The spotlight in this blog is on a mindset many of you who have worked with me or have read my content have heard me talk a lot about: “I can control and change my child’s feelings and behavior.” The reason I bring it up so often is because it is perhaps the most pervasive obstacle to “positive” and effective parenting because it puts your child, not you, in the driver’s seat—a dynamic that is not healthy for anyone.

The fact is that you cannot actually make your child do anything: sleep, eat, not thrown a tantrum, agree to get in the car seat, pee in the potty…the list is endless. Children, like all humans, are the only ones who control their words and actions. This is one of the most humbling aspects of parenting that no one warns you about. It runs so fiercely counter to how we see ourselves and our role. We are supposed to be able to make our children behave.

One of the chief concerns (and complaints) from parents I work with is that their children are super rigid and irrational.  Typical examples include: 

Henry threw a huge fit because I picked him up from childcare instead of Grandma, who usually gets him at the end of the day. 

Chelsea refused to take a bath because I turned on the water when she wanted to do it herself.

Andrew's teachers report that his peers don't want to play with him because he is bossy and needs to dictate everything. Yesterday, he knocked down the block structure he was building with friends because he insisted it be a home for their action figures when his playmates had already decided it was going to be a restaurant. 

If any of these scenarios sound familiar, you are not alone.

I have rarely met a family that hasn't struggled in some way with getting their children through daily routines. Common complaints include: “Ethan whines and protests every single step", or, “Talia’s refusal to cooperate is forcing us to nag and bribe her which is driving us crazy and we know is messed up. We’re all miserable by the time we walk out the door.” Families with young children face these types of struggles because most toddlers have some degree of difficulty with transitions. 

There are several reasons children have a hard time moving from one task to another during morning and bedtime routines, including:

• Young children are quite zealous about asserting some control over their world. This means that whenever there is a demand to follow someone else’s agenda, such as yours, there is a natural tendency to defy it.

• It is hard for many children to move from one activity to another. They become absorbed in what they are doing and making a transition takes a lot of effort.

• Sometimes children have not actually tuned in to the direction you are giving them. They haven’t processed all of the information being communicated to them, so they can’t effectively act on it.

• Some children are very distractible. They start to follow a direction, but something catches their attention and they lose track of what they are supposed to be focused on.

• Morning and nighttime routines are associated with separations, such as going to child care/school, saying goodnight, etc. This can be emotionally challenging for young children.

The following strategies address these underlying issues and can help children better cope with daily routines.

If you're like most parents, not being able to get your children to cooperate is one of your most vexing challenges. It’s especially maddening when a child’s lack of compliance seems totally irrational; for example, 3-year-old Sadie, who loves to eat but refuses to come to the dinner table and draws her parents into a power struggle, making everyone miserable. This naturally catapults her parents into revved-up mode. They get increasingly annoyed and resort to all kinds of rewards or threats to motivate Sadie to tow the line. Unfortunately, this typical, reactive kind of response usually makes it less likely that a child will change her tune and is more likely to result in an intensified tussle between parent and child.
 
As with all child-rearing challenges, the key is to figure out the root cause of the problem; what the driving forces are that result in the unacceptable behaviors. My colleague, occupational therapist, Teri Kozlowski of Teekoz Kids, has helped me crack the code on getting kids to cooperate by pointing out two key factors that influence the chance that children will follow directions: (1) whether children are even attending to and processing the information parents are trying to deliver to them; and (2) the tone and approach parents use to communicate directions to their children.
 
Factor #1: