All parents want to teach their kids to learn to take responsibility for their actions. ⁠
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For parents of kids who are big reactors, this can feel like an impossible goal because their kids react so negatively, and sometimes explosively, to being corrected. They get angry and defensive, cover their ears, run away, or completely shut down when faced with an adult who is trying to inculcate them in some way.

So many parents have shared stories in recent consults about this vexing phenomenon, which tells me that there are probably many of you out there who are struggling with this, too. So, this blog provides insight and guidance on how to teach kids important lessons when they can't tolerate being corrected.

Why kids have a hard time being corrected

⁠Highly sensitive children (HSC) tend to be quick to shame. Seemingly benign corrections or suggestions—how to hold scissors correctly, how to aim the ball to get it in the basket, how to solve a problem with a peer—are experienced as criticisms or personal indictments, not as helpful guidance you are intending to offer. 

They also interpret and process your input as a threat to their sense of self and autonomy; that you are trying to control them and change their behavior, which results in a defensive reaction. They engage in all sorts of evasion (often blaming you or other external forces, for their actions) as a way to ward off feelings they are having a hard time understanding and managing.  

When they experience your anger, annoyance, or disappointment at their behavior, it only increases their stress, which results in deeper dysregulation.

Further, you may find that when you want to reflect on these difficult incidents once they are over, to help your child process the experience and learn from it, your child refuses to revisit the uncomfortable feelings and events. This leaves many parents despairing about how they will ever be able to teach their children important lessons about the impact of their actions on others. ⁠

What you can do

Teaching lessons may look very different with a big reactor.It turns out that, often, the most effective way to do this is counterintuitive for most parents; the opposite of what your logical, adult mind dictates, as illustrated by the examples below.

Seven-year-old sore at losing
Max, 7, is playing in a basketball game. His dad, Peter, is in the stands and sees that Max is getting increasingly frustrated that no one is passing the ball to him. Just as Peter fears—because Max has a history of sore-losing and blaming it on unfair tactics—Max ultimately storms off the court to where Peter is sitting. Max pretends that the reason he left the game is because there is something in his eye; he doesn't want anyone to think he is crying. Then he blurts out to Peter that it's not fair—no one is passing the ball to him so he can't make any baskets.

With the best of intentions, Peter launches right into encouragement/cheerleading/problem-solving: "That happens in games. You can't always get the ball or a basket. What do you think your teammates and coach will think about you walking off? You have to get back out there, Buddy."

Max's response: "Stop talking to me right now!! You are so annoying!" as he starts to push angrily into Peter. Peter admonishes Max for getting aggressive. This ultimately leads to Max running out of the gym and Peter feeling totally distraught about how this behavior will affect the way Max’s peers will see him and how in the world he is ever going to be able to teach Max how to be more resilient. 

After we process this incident in a consult, Peter is able to see why his response may have backfired; that his intended encouragement was not experienced as motivating, but as added stress. Max is very sensitive and tuned in to the fact that Peter was disappointed in his reaction; that he wanted Max to be able to buck up and bounce back, which Max was not ready/able to do. This left Max feeling pressured, and alone and misunderstood, making it less likely he would feel confident to get back out there and learn to cope with the challenges of a competitive sport.

With this insight, the next time a similar incident happens, here is how Peter responds: 

He starts with empathy: "I hear you Bud, playing team sports can be challenging and frustrating."

He lets Max know he is not alone in his feelings/experience: "It took me a long time to get comfortable with not always getting the ball, or a basket, or a goal. I ended up deciding that I would try to manage the frustration and disappointment that can happen in team sports because I didn't want to give up playing those games with my friends." 

He avoids telling Max what to do (which always leads to a defensive reaction) and, instead, positions himself as a person who will help Max think these trickly situations through: "Looks like your options are to take some deep breaths and go back into the game, or take a break and then figure out how you want to proceed. What do you think is a better choice for you right now?" 

Now that Peter is no longer trying to change Max's behavior, and is giving him the space and opportunity to figure things out for himself, Max is calming more quickly and is sometimes open to engaging in a reflective process to think through these difficult situations. This is what gives Max the best chance of building the resilience Peter knows would be so good for him. It has also solidified a strong bond between Peter and Max, who now feels seen, understood, and respected by his dad. 

Six-year-old whose body often acts before his brain

Roman is a very intense, amazing child who is super empathic, creative, and curious. He can also become explosive when things don't go the way he wants or expects: his sister goes first...for anything; he hits a snag in a project he is working on; his mom, Serena, says “no” to a new Lego set.

For a long time, when Roman would lose it and start hurling toys, which sometimes hit her, Serena, typically and naturally, had a big reaction—shouting at Roman for hurting her and admonishing that he cannot throw objects. It's dangerous. This always led to Roman getting more dysregulated and defensive, with more aggressive behavior and vitriol hurled. The whole situation spiraled further out of control with no lessons learned.

Serena has been working for years on managing her own emotions in the face of these explosions, and trying to figure out the best way to help Roman learn to manage his impulses and take responsibility for his actions. In our most recent consult she shared this major victory and lesson learned...for her:

Roman was frustrated and tossed a toy that grazed Serena on the cheek. She stayed calm and without a word, went to the sink and started to take care of the scrape. Roman immediately approached her with great remorse, hugged her legs, said he was sorry, and asked if she was okay.

⁠No doubt, showing this kind of self-control in the heat-of-the-moment, especially when she had just been the victim of her son’s aggression, was nothing short of super-human. But you can see the payoff. By not going into correction mode, or fueling the flames, Serena created a very powerful opportunity for Roman to take responsibility for his actions. ⁠⁠

I see this dynamic all the time at homes and in preschools. The bigger the reaction from the adult, and the more they try to correct the child and teach them a lesson, the more agitated and aggressive the child becomes. Less is more in these situations.

 4 yo with low frustration tolerance
I was observing 4 yo, Evie, at preschool because her teacher had expressed concern about her giving up very quickly when facing a challenge and how this would effect her moving onto Kindergarten next year. Indeed, after not too long, I saw Evie getting increasingly frustrated that she couldn't cut a piece of paper in the shape she wanted. She kept grunting and repeating, "I can't do it! This is too hard!”

Because I still have a hard time resisting my impulse to rescue kids when they are struggling, without thinking (first major mistake), I sat down next to Evie and started to show her how to more effectively hold the scissors and paper. Her response: she shouted at me to "STOP!" as she crumpled up the paper, threw it on the floor, and walked away.

Of course, in her agitated state, she had experienced my attempt to be helpful and teach her fine motor skills as intrusive and overwhelming—hence her defensive reaction. I knew I wouldn't get another chance anytime soon to have a redo with Evie. But I shared the insight I had gained from the incident with the teacher. My suggestion was that that  when Evie is struggling, not to step in with solutions but to acknowledge her frustration (“I know, learning to cut with scissors can be frustrating and take time and practice to figure out”) and then to say, "I have some ideas about how you might solve this problem. Would you like to hear them?" 

The following month the teacher reported back that this approach was working: Evie was calming more quickly. And, when asked for permission to provide ideas, she was more open to the teacher's suggestions and was⁠ not reacting so quickly with panic when she faced a challenge. All told, Evie’s growing ability to manage her frustration and think through how to solve problems has resulted in her building much stronger executive functioning skills.

Take-home:
It’s all about stopping trying to control your child is one of the hardest pills to swallow for many parents. You clearly see the potential negative outcomes for them when they "act-out"; when they give up easily upon facing a challenge or act in hurtful ways. You do know what would be best and healthiest for your child because you’re a smart, sensitive parent, and you love them so much you want to do everything in your power to make that happen. You want to change the outcome for them and ensure they will do the "right" thing.

But at the end of the day, your kids are the ones out there on the playground, the basketball court, in the classroom. They need to figure out how to handle these situations. And it turns out that the most powerful way to help children, especially big reactors, learn to make good choices is not by telling them what to do.

Related articles

Why Children Laugh, Evade, or Get Angry When Being Corrected (No, your child is not a sociopath)

When your child gives up easily: How to help them become good problem-solvers

As you know, I am on a mission to help parents experience less stress and more joy with their little ones. It has become very clear from my work in the trenches with families that being comfortable with setting clear limits and boundaries, and implementing them in a way that is loving, is key to achieving this goal. Otherwise, parents are in constant power-struggles with their kids and harboring very negative feelings about them. Nothing feels worse.

It doesn't have to be that way, even with the most intensely reactive kids.

Mastering this skill of setting limits calmly and lovingly often feels elusive and impossible to the moms and dads I work with, when they first come to see me. But this dream has become a reality for so many; they are now in charge in the loving way their children need them to be, and it is truly life-changing for everyone involved.

One of these parents recently asked if I had a cheat-sheet that lays out the key steps to being a loving, limit-setter. While I write extensively on this subject, I realized that I do not have a resource that distills this process down. There's a reason for this: I am not a fan of prescriptive approaches (5 steps to getting your child to sleep; 4 steps to stopping tantrums, and so forth) because they are often formulaic/one-size-fits-all plans that don't take into account all the individual differences in kids and families. And when the system doesn't work, it leaves parents feeling more despairing.

At the same time, I see the value in having an organized way of thinking about how to approach a challenging situation, especially when it is triggering and likely to lead to reactivity, which rarely results in a positive, effective outcome. 

So, in the hopes that it helps you get a promising start to the new year, this edition of the newsletter offers a roadmap for how to respond in difficult moments in a way that is loving and supportive, AND that keeps you in charge by implementing the boundaries children need to learn to cope with life's limits. 

Recently. many parents have recounted stories of giving begging children more time for a desired activity, or giving them multiple chances to correct unacceptable behavior, in the hopes that it will head off a tantrum. But in the end, it backfires.

Let's unpack it.

"Mommy, mommy, pleeeeease, just one more minute (on the tablet...at the playground...playing before bed). I just need ONE MORE MINUTE!"

"Daddy! I need one more chance. I promise I won't (hit my little brother...throw mulch...raid the pantry for a treat) again!"

Children are rarely excited about the end of a fun activity, or about a limit being set on their behavior. So, begging for more time, or a second...third...fourth chance when engaging in unacceptable behavior, is to be expected.

The problem is that giving the extra time or additional chance often backfires, because it teaches your child to negotiate everything, which becomes maddening and exhausting for parents. All the child's energy gets focused on getting more of what they want. One more minute of extra screen time turns quickly into begging for 5 and then 10 more...and then parents are done. They feel manipulated and angry. They flip their lids and resort to yelling and threats. ("It's never enough! If you don't put that tablet down right now, there is no more screen time for a month!") The child melts down (exactly what the parents were trying to avoid), and the whole thing falls apart. Nothing is resolved or learned. Everyone is miserable.

What to do instead?

"My child won't listen" ranks as one of, if not the, most frequent complaints from parents that drive them to schedule a consult. Typical stories include:

Ben (6) has a breakfast bar every morning before school and refuses to throw away the wrapper. He ignores us or outright refuses. We have tried everything to get him to cooperate with this basic rule. We, of course, end up throwing it away. What else are we supposed to do? How do we make him listen?

Kayla (4) refuses to wash her hands before dinner. We have tried rewards, bribes, you name it. Nothing works. She wins every time--her hands just don't get washed. We are so frustrated but are out of tools. How do you make a kid cooperate?

How to get kids to follow directions and make good choices is a topic I have addressed frequently in previous blogs. I am revisiting it here because it speaks to the bane of most parents' existence: the power struggle, which can be eliminated. And, because I have some new insights to share. Even after 30 plus years in the childrearing trenches (my own and with all the families I have had the honor to work with), and having just turned 60!, I am still gaining new understanding about the meaning of kids' behavior and what they need to thrive.

Key Insights

Time to tackle a thorny issue: what to do when your child is not cooperating with an important limit or transition—a “have-to"—and the only way to ensure that the limit is enforced or that the transition is made is by physically handling her. For example, when your child: refuses to get out of the pool; sits down in the middle of the parking lot in protest because you wouldn't get her the unicorn at Target; is being unsafe and destructive and won't voluntarily go to the calm-down corner; or, keeps coming out of her room at bedtime.

Many parents I have talked to recently are uncomfortable with "manhandling" their child. It feels forceful and harsh, understandably.

Since my job is to help parents thread this seemingly elusive needle of staying calm and connected, while also maintaining clear limits and boundaries to keep their children safe and help them learn to adapt to life's limits and expectations, I have had to grapple with how to best handle these very tense moments. Here is where I have landed. I share my thought process so you see how and why I came up with this approach. You can then decide whether it resonates and feels comfortable for you.

So many parents I talk to these days are overwhelmed and confused about how to apply all the messages and strategies they get from social media to their specific child and family.⁠ The suggestions sound great in theory, but in practice often don’t work, leaving parents feeling worse—more incompetent than they already felt, and wondering, “What’s wrong with me and my child?”

Previously, I have addressed parents' confusion about time in versus time out—a false dichotomy. It is simply not true, and I will go out on a limb and say it is potentially harmful, to suggest that giving your child and yourself space in a very heated moment, especially when your child is being destructive, is NOT rejection, abandonment, or discounting your child's feelings. It's all in the way you implement the break.
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Here I tackle the confusion around giving children choices.

Working in the trenches everyday with families continues to yield new insights, even after 35 years. One recent, powerful observation is that parents are doing WAY too much when kids are having a having a hard time. As always, this comes from the most loving place: parents don't want to see their children in distress and will do whatever they can to relieve that discomfort.

It also comes from a misinterpretation of messages many of my families have absorbed on social media about the importance of accepting, validating, and being present when kids are distressed. This translates into parents believing they are harming their children—sending them the message that their feelings don't matter and they are alone—if they are not constantly by their side, repeating empathetic phrases to show they understand, or trying to get their child to talk about his feelings. This has become equated in their minds with abandoning their child in his time of need.

Just yesterday I talked to a mom who is very confused about how to best support her 5-year-old who is a very big reactor and has major meltdowns, especially when screen time is over. She calls it “Groundhog’s Day”: despite implementing the same plan day after day—their son chooses a show and they turn it off when it’s over, they don’t cave and stick to the limit—he has a huge tantrum every single time. She is doing everything “right”—she stays calm and validates his feelings—but at some point she needs to tend to her two other children (3 yo and a baby), and worries, based on what she has read, that it is harmful to her son to not be by his side for the entire duration of his meltdown.

Every week I hear from multiple parents who have done great work setting clear limits in a loving way, but are concerned that their limits are wrong or not working because their child continues to protest and not accept the boundary, even after parents repeatedly follow through and don't cave on the limit or get drawn into a protracted power struggle.

The mindshift to make is that the goal is not to get your child to like, agree with, or accept the limit, or even to change his behavior—something you have no control over. 

The true purpose of the limit is to stay in charge in the positive way your child needs you to be, and to avoid the pernicious power struggle that is so detrimental and destructive to both kids and parents. 

Take the case of Ari, who was coming in and out of his room for hours after lights-out. When his parents, Jen and Arash, stopped trying to coax, reward, bribe or threaten Ari to agree to stay in his room—none of which had been successful—they put a boundary on his door. But Ari continued to scream at the top of his lungs for 5 to 10 minutes every night before falling asleep, even though they stuck to the plan and did not react to his shouting for them. (They did walk by his room periodically to whisper a soothing mantra to assure him they were still there and all was right with the world. More on approaches to setting up loving sleep plans can be found here.) Jen and Arash worried that Ari's continued upset and protests meant that the limit wasn't working or was harmful. 

Au contraire. Let's look at all the positive outcomes of this limit:

I am going to go out on a limb and assume that many of you who take the time out of your busy days to read this blog have a big reactor under your roof, who has been known to hurl vitriol ("You are a toilethead", "You don't belong in this house anymore") and/or is aggressive with her body--hitting, kicking, biting. No doubt, these are among the most vexing challenges parents face. And no doubt, these big reactors need to learn to express their emotions in more acceptable, healthy ways.

As I work with families to attain this important goal, a major obstacle almost always emerges: the parents' mindset. Moms and dads are interpreting and then reacting in these moments as if their child harbors malicious intent; that he means to be harmful with his words and his body. This triggers a harsh, punitive and shaming reaction that only reinforces these unwanted behaviors.

This excerpt from my new book, Why Is My Child In Charge? elucidates this mindset, and the mindshift that enables you to stay calm, not further escalate the situation, and ultimately teach your child how to effectively manage his big emotions.

MINDSET: My child harbors malicious intent when she is aggressive with her words and actions.

When I collaborate with families to solve the childrearing challenges they are facing, we start by doing the detective work of putting the pieces of the puzzle together that help us understand the meaning of their child's behavior. Only then can I provide guidance that is developmentally appropriate and effective, because it addresses the root cause of the challenge. One-size-fits-all approaches that simply address a behavior, absent an understanding of the function and meaning of that behavior, is rarely effective. Indeed, most families who come to see me have already tried prescriptive approaches to stopping tantrums or getting their kids to sleep. When these systems don't work, parents feel they have failed and despair that they won't find a way to successfully solve these challenges.

Below I lay out the key factors for decoding the meaning of your child's behavior to enables you to devise strategies that address the underlying issues at work. This opens the door to being the loving, in charge parent your kids need you to be.

KEY FACTORS

Multiple times a week I talk with parents who report the following: their kids are superstars at school—calm, cooperative, collaborative—but are terrors at home. They break down over seemingly minor issues, don't "listen", and are very inflexible and demanding. Like Eva, 4, whose teachers report that she is one of the most cooperative and best helpers in the class. She is kind to her friends and is good at sharing. She is empathetic—always the first one to comfort a peer who is struggling. In short, she is a total delight. At home it is a very different story. Eva is demanding. She ignores her parents' directions, and she melts down if she can’t have what she wants, when she wants it.

Eva’s parents are thrilled that she is doing so well in school; but they are perplexed and angry that she “chooses” to be so difficult at home when she clearly has the ability to show much more self-control. They are at a loss for how to make sense of their Jekyll-and-Hyde daughter and how to get her to behave at home as she does in the classroom.

While this phenomenon is confusing and maddening to parents, when you look at it from your child’s perspective, it begins to make sense and opens up the door to responding in ways that can increase cooperation and reduce power struggles at home.

See It From Your Child’s Point-of-View

Read stories from my practice that show how to help kids: work through fears; going through the loss of a grandparent; build frustration tolerance; adapt to a new baby in the family; get comfortable pooping on the potty.

This blog is part of a series based on my 2021 book, Why Is My Child In Charge? Through stories of my work with families, I show how making critical mindshifts empowers parents to solve their most vexing childrearing challenges, including: tantrums, aggressive behavior, sleep, mealtime battles, and potty learning. Most importantly, it shows you how to get back in the driver's seat--where you belong and where your child needs you to be.

When my child tries to get her way, she is being manipulative.

Luca and Scott walk into my office and announce that they have a master manipulator living in their home. They explain that they had established what they wanted to be a hard and fast rule that there would be no screen time for their daughter, Sophie (4), in the mornings before school.

But Sophie refuses to get dressed unless they let her watch an episode of Peppa Pig while she puts her clothes on. Every morning it’s the same scenario: Luca and Scott ask Sophie to get dressed. She demands Peppa. They remind her there is no TV in the morning. They tell her they will come back in five minutes and expect her to be dressed. When they return, Sophie is just messing around in her room and announces: “I need Peppa!” They get annoyed and start raising their voices, telling her they are going to be late and that she needs to cooperate!

After a prolonged power struggle, it always concludes the same way: the clock is ticking, so to get everyone to their destination on time, Luca and Scott give in and turn on the show. They are angry at Sophie for putting them in this position and “extorting” them. They wonder how they have gotten to a point where a four-year-old can wield so much power and control the family in this way.

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Three-year-old Joseph is pushing the limits around bedtime, demanding an increasing number of books and songs and then calling out with a litany of problems he needs fixed, such as his blankets being messed up or the animals on his shelf not being positioned the way he wants them to be. Joseph's parents are getting increasingly annoyed with Joseph and are feeling manipulated. He is calling all the shots and they are angry at him for making them feel out of control. They don’t know how to turn it around. 

Making the Mindshift

This blog is the second in a series based on my 2021 book Why is My Child in Charge? A Roadmap to End Power Struggles, Increase Cooperation, and Find More Joy in Parenting Your Young Children.

Through stories of my work with families, I show how making critical mindshifts—seeing children’s behaviors through a new lens —empowers parents to solve their most vexing childrearing challenges, including: tantrums, aggressive behavior, sleep, mealtime battles, and potty learning. Most importantly, it shows you how to get back in the driver's seat--where you belong and where your child needs you to be.

This installment focuses on the mindset that… My child is misbehaving on purpose. He should be able to accept limits and exhibit greater self-control.

Kishan takes his three-year-old daughter, Seema, to the pool several times a week in the summer. Even though Kishan gives Seema a five-minute warning before it’s time to get out of the pool, when time is up, Seema says she hasn’t had enough swimming and needs five more minutes. When Kishan says no, she calls him mean and starts to pout. In a desperate attempt to stave off a tantrum, Kishan relents and gives Seema the extra time, but that changes exactly nothing. Seema still refuses to get out. Kishan tries bribery and threats—she’ll get a treat if she gets out, or she’ll lose a book at bedtime if she doesn’t get out. Nothing works. Eventually, Kishan has to drag Seema out, which is mortifying for him and, he imagines, pretty embarrassing for Seema, too. Kishan starts to dread going to the pool with her and finds every excuse not to go. They spend more time at home doing indoor things. He knows it would be better for his daughter to be outside, using her muscles, learning to swim and making new friends. He feels frustrated and sad for both of them.

If this scenario sounds familiar, you are not alone. Interactions like this play out every day in families with young children: child doesn’t follow a direction, parent tries a range of strategies to get the child to cooperate, child still doesn’t comply, parent loses it and gets punitive, child melts down, parent either feels bad and caves or angrily punishes child with no positive resolution.

This article is the first in a series based on my 2021 book, Why Is My Child In Charge? Through stories of my work with families, I show how making critical mindshifts—seeing children’s behaviors through a new lens —empowers parents to solve their most vexing childrearing challenges, including: tantrums, aggressive behavior, sleep, mealtime battles, and potty learning. Most importantly, it shows you how to get back in the driver's seat--where you belong and where your child needs you to be. 

The spotlight in this blog is on a mindset many of you who have worked with me or have read my content have heard me talk a lot about: “I can control and change my child’s feelings and behavior.” The reason I bring it up so often is because it is perhaps the most pervasive obstacle to “positive” and effective parenting because it puts your child, not you, in the driver’s seat—a dynamic that is not healthy for anyone.

The fact is that you cannot actually make your child do anything: sleep, eat, not thrown a tantrum, agree to get in the car seat, pee in the potty…the list is endless. Children, like all humans, are the only ones who control their words and actions. This is one of the most humbling aspects of parenting that no one warns you about. It runs so fiercely counter to how we see ourselves and our role. We are supposed to be able to make our children behave.

The mom of a feisty four-year-old was recently on a Facebook group for parents of “spirited” children to seek guidance on setting limits. The overwhelming response she received was to “choose your battles.” Of course, this concept is not new to me, but for some reason on this occasion it gave me pause. It struck me as so unfortunate to frame the problem of how to deal with the sometimes incessant and often irrational toddler demands and defiance in this combative way.

The concept of “choosing battles” puts parents in a defensive mindset—that you are in for a fight. This results in approaching these moments when your kids are doing exactly what their DNA dictate they do—advocate for something they want or refuse to cooperate with a limit—with your haunches up. This parental state of mind only leads to exactly what you are trying to avoid: a power struggle.

Further, “choosing battles” implies that you are opting to give in to your toddler’s demands or defiance because it’s one too many battles for your or your child to handle. In practice, what this means is that you are setting up a dynamic in which your child learns that if she pushes hard enough, she will eventually wear you down and get her way. This handy strategy is proven effective and is thus relied on for future use, which only increases power struggles. It also leaves most parents feeling angry and resentful toward their children for pushing them to the limit and forcing them to cave when they really don’t want to.

The pandemic led to many seismic shifts in our world, including the advent of parents working at home. As if parenting isn’t stressful enough, the complexity of managing work/life balance became much more challenging. This blog provides guidance on how to set and enforce healthy expectations and boundaries when you are working at home.

What happens when you have done such a good job establishing routines and making sure your child knows what to expect that they fall apart when there is a break in the plan? Or when something unexpected happens? Read on. . .