Positive Parenting Mindshift: Your Child Isn't Misbehaving on Purpose

This blog is the second in a series based on my 2021 book Why is My Child in Charge? A Roadmap to End Power Struggles, Increase Cooperation, and Find More Joy in Parenting Your Young Children.

Through stories of my work with families, I show how making critical mindshifts—seeing children’s behaviors through a new lens —empowers parents to solve their most vexing childrearing challenges, including: tantrums, aggressive behavior, sleep, mealtime battles, and potty learning. Most importantly, it shows you how to get back in the driver's seat--where you belong and where your child needs you to be.

This installment focuses on the mindset that… My child is misbehaving on purpose. He should be able to accept limits and exhibit greater self-control.

Kishan takes his three-year-old daughter, Seema, to the pool several times a week in the summer. Even though Kishan gives Seema a five-minute warning before it’s time to get out of the pool, when time is up, Seema says she hasn’t had enough swimming and needs five more minutes. When Kishan says no, she calls him mean and starts to pout. In a desperate attempt to stave off a tantrum, Kishan relents and gives Seema the extra time, but that changes exactly nothing. Seema still refuses to get out. Kishan tries bribery and threats—she’ll get a treat if she gets out, or she’ll lose a book at bedtime if she doesn’t get out. Nothing works. Eventually, Kishan has to drag Seema out, which is mortifying for him and, he imagines, pretty embarrassing for Seema, too. Kishan starts to dread going to the pool with her and finds every excuse not to go. They spend more time at home doing indoor things. He knows it would be better for his daughter to be outside, using her muscles, learning to swim and making new friends. He feels frustrated and sad for both of them.

If this scenario sounds familiar, you are not alone. Interactions like this play out every day in families with young children: child doesn’t follow a direction, parent tries a range of strategies to get the child to cooperate, child still doesn’t comply, parent loses it and gets punitive, child melts down, parent either feels bad and caves or angrily punishes child with no positive resolution.