Positive Parenting Mindshift: Your Child is Strategic, Not Manipulative

This blog is part of a series based on my 2021 book, Why Is My Child In Charge? Through stories of my work with families, I show how making critical mindshifts empowers parents to solve their most vexing childrearing challenges, including: tantrums, aggressive behavior, sleep, mealtime battles, and potty learning. Most importantly, it shows you how to get back in the driver's seat--where you belong and where your child needs you to be.

When my child tries to get her way, she is being manipulative.

Luca and Scott walk into my office and announce that they have a master manipulator living in their home. They explain that they had established what they wanted to be a hard and fast rule that there would be no screen time for their daughter, Sophie (4), in the mornings before school.

But Sophie refuses to get dressed unless they let her watch an episode of Peppa Pig while she puts her clothes on. Every morning it’s the same scenario: Luca and Scott ask Sophie to get dressed. She demands Peppa. They remind her there is no TV in the morning. They tell her they will come back in five minutes and expect her to be dressed. When they return, Sophie is just messing around in her room and announces: “I need Peppa!” They get annoyed and start raising their voices, telling her they are going to be late and that she needs to cooperate!

After a prolonged power struggle, it always concludes the same way: the clock is ticking, so to get everyone to their destination on time, Luca and Scott give in and turn on the show. They are angry at Sophie for putting them in this position and “extorting” them. They wonder how they have gotten to a point where a four-year-old can wield so much power and control the family in this way.

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Three-year-old Joseph is pushing the limits around bedtime, demanding an increasing number of books and songs and then calling out with a litany of problems he needs fixed, such as his blankets being messed up or the animals on his shelf not being positioned the way he wants them to be. Joseph's parents are getting increasingly annoyed with Joseph and are feeling manipulated. He is calling all the shots and they are angry at him for making them feel out of control. They don’t know how to turn it around. 

Making the Mindshift