Positive Parenting Mindshift: Your Child is Strategic, Not Manipulative

This blog is part of a series based on my 2021 book, Why Is My Child In Charge? Through stories of my work with families, I show how making critical mindshifts empowers parents to solve their most vexing childrearing challenges, including: tantrums, aggressive behavior, sleep, mealtime battles, and potty learning. Most importantly, it shows you how to get back in the driver's seat--where you belong and where your child needs you to be.

When my child tries to get her way, she is being manipulative.

Luca and Scott walk into my office and announce that they have a master manipulator living in their home. They explain that they had established what they wanted to be a hard and fast rule that there would be no screen time for their daughter, Sophie (4), in the mornings before school.

But Sophie refuses to get dressed unless they let her watch an episode of Peppa Pig while she puts her clothes on. Every morning it’s the same scenario: Luca and Scott ask Sophie to get dressed. She demands Peppa. They remind her there is no TV in the morning. They tell her they will come back in five minutes and expect her to be dressed. When they return, Sophie is just messing around in her room and announces: “I need Peppa!” They get annoyed and start raising their voices, telling her they are going to be late and that she needs to cooperate!

After a prolonged power struggle, it always concludes the same way: the clock is ticking, so to get everyone to their destination on time, Luca and Scott give in and turn on the show. They are angry at Sophie for putting them in this position and “extorting” them. They wonder how they have gotten to a point where a four-year-old can wield so much power and control the family in this way.

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Three-year-old Joseph is pushing the limits around bedtime, demanding an increasing number of books and songs and then calling out with a litany of problems he needs fixed, such as his blankets being messed up or the animals on his shelf not being positioned the way he wants them to be. Joseph's parents are getting increasingly annoyed with Joseph and are feeling manipulated. He is calling all the shots and they are angry at him for making them feel out of control. They don’t know how to turn it around. 

Making the Mindshift

The first step in turning this around is to make the major mindshift from "My child is manipulative" to "My child has found a way to get what she wants which makes her very clever and strategic."

Children are driven to get what they want, and will use any tools at their disposal that help them reach their goal—they are not purposefully trying to drive their parents crazy. If throwing a tantrum results in extra iPad time, a later bedtime, or simply getting more of your attention, your toddler is putting 2 and 2 together, making an important assessment: “Excellent strategy! Put that one in the win column.” This is not manipulation, it is strategic. Your child has cleverly figured out the “system”, which means you are raising a really competent kid. They are assessing the situation and figuring out successful ways to get what they want-- a skill that will serve them well in life.

Making this critical mindshift is a gamechanger. When parents see that their kids are doing exactly what their DNA dictates—to find ways to assert control over their world and use whatever tactics work to achieve their goals--they move from harsh, punitive reactions that exacerbate power struggles and reduce cooperation, to becoming the loving limit-setters their children need them to be.

Parenting Without Power Struggles

With this change in mindset, Luca and Scott are able to make a plan that puts them back in the driver’s seat—where they belong, while remaining calm and loving—where they want to be. They let Sophie know that she has two great choices: she can choose to cooperate with getting dressed or she can go to school in her pajamas. These are both options that enable them to keep moving along versus waiting for Sophie to agree to cooperate. They are very careful to present these choices matter-of-factly without threats or shaming.

As they had expected, Sophie rejects these choices and has a major meltdown, screaming for Peppa Pig. Luca and Scott remind themselves that they can tolerate the short-term stress of her upset at not getting what she wants in favor of the long-term goal of helping Sophie accept important and appropriate limits. This self-talk enables them to stick to the plan and to remain calm and loving throughout—now that they have a plan they have the ability to implement. They place her in the car in her pajamas but decide to pack a change of clothes in her backpack in case she changes her mind at school and wants to wear daytime attire. This makes following through on the limit more palatable to them.

After going to school two days in her pajamas (both days she comes home in her daytime clothes—the teacher reports she changes the minute she gets to school), dressing battles cease and mornings are much more manageable and pleasant for everyone.

In the case of Joseph, his parents establish a clear, consistent and loving routine that they stuck to, confident that even if Joseph doesn't like it, it is still good for him. It includes allowing for a 5-minute period before lights-out when he can put everything into place the way he likes it. His parents make it clear that after they say goodnight, there is no more interaction. If he wants to "fix" something (rearrange the blankets, re-position the animals on his shelf...the list goes on), they will not be coming back in. He can do it on his own.

The first night is very stressful as Joseph protests vehemently, testing whether his parents are really serious. He screams that he will never fall asleep if they don't get the blankets back on him "just right" But when his parents hold firm, by the third night Joseph adapts. With his parents feeling much less tense about what storm might lie ahead--waiting for the shoe to drop--they are able to enjoy and more deeply connect with Joseph during this special time at the end of the day. And Joseph is getting a much better night's sleep.