Demand Avoidance: When Kids Vehemently And Consistently Resist Directions

“Demand avoidance”—a knee-jerk, defiant reaction to any direction to cooperate with a task or to make a transition— is a phenomenon that I see frequently in my work with families of highly sensitive children(HSC)/big reactors.

This pattern of behavior has been officially termed "Pathological Demand Avoidance" (PDA), but many experts, myself included, prefer "Pervasive Demand Avoidance." 

The first and most important thing to know about PDA is that it is a reaction that is based in the nervous system and is not purposeful "opposition" or "defiance."  The nervous system interprets the demand as a threat to the child's autonomy and triggers a stress response that prepares the body to fight or flee.

While PDA is associated with ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder), I work with hundreds families each year and see many kids who are not on the Autism spectrum but are prone to demand avoidance. Most of these children are HSCs who often feel overwhelmed on the inside because of how deeply they process their experiences in the world. To cope—to make life more manageable—they seek to control as much as they can on the outside. This frequently translates into refusal to follow a direction, given the fact that directions are designed to control a child's behavior—to get them to do something you want them to do. These kids are totally clued into this and resisting the demand is a way to feel in control. 

So what's a parent to do when many of these tasks HAVE TO BE DONE to keep their children healthy and safe, and to run an effective household, especially a busy one with multiple kids? Teeth need to be brushed; kids need to be at school, doctor appointments, and activities on time; baths/showers have to be taken; kids need to stay safely in their rooms at night to get the sleep they need (if you are choosing to have your children sleep independently.) 
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I am in the trenches every day with parents of demand-avoidant kids, trying to find effective strategies to help them engage their children's cooperation and avoid the pervasive, pernicious power struggles that often characterize these families' daily interactions.

Below are some of the tools that have proven helpful that I hope will be helpful to you, too.

Acknowledge your child's difficulty with demands. "I know you don't like it when we need to give you a direction to do a task. You don't like being told what to do, and it's especially hard when it means you have to stop doing something you are enjoying. We totally understand. It's also our job to be sure you are healthy and safe and grow strong, which sometimes means doing things you don't want to do." 

Explain and implement the "two great choices." “Because we know you love to make your own choices, we will always let you know what the task is that has to be done and will give you a chance to do it on your own—to be in charge of yourself. If it's time to brush teeth, you can choose to be in charge of your body and do it on your own or with our help if you need it. If you choose not to do it, then we will be helpers and do it because teeth have to be brushed, even though that may feel uncomfortable for all of us." 

Of note is that many parents tell me that they sense that their kids are looking for the fight. It feels empowering to promulgate a power struggle. So finding a way to not engage in the struggle is key, and what the “two great choices” is designed to accomplish. (This blog provides an in-depth description of how to implement this tool.)

Frame tasks as "jobs." Most kids love the idea of jobs You see this all the time in classrooms: kids falling all over themselves to do an important job. It flips the narrative and engages them where they are at—wanting to feel in charge and autonomous. 

Start by having a family discussion during which you lay out what your jobs are and what your children's jobs are. Your jobs may include: having healthy foods at mealtimes, limiting screen time because there are other activities that are better for kids bodies and brains, setting clear bedtimes so kids get the sleep they need, reading before bed to build their hearts and minds, etc.

Your children's jobs might include, depending on their ages: getting dressed on their own or with help, brushing teeth with help, cleaning up their toys, getting safely into the bath with help, putting their dishes in the sink, hanging up their backpacks, washing hands before a meal, etc.

Clearly explain why you have these rules (jobs) which is very important and helpful to kids. Note that explaining is very different from justifying or trying to get your child to agree to the rules, which gives them too much inappropriate power that is not helpful to them. If they think that implementing the rule/task is dependent on their agreeing to and cooperating with it, power struggles will ensue.

Create photos/visuals of the job (task or transition) instead of giving a verbal direction that is triggering. Make a fun activity of taking photos or drawing pictures of different tasks: getting into bath, getting dressed, getting into the car seat, sitting down for a meal, hanging up backpacks and taking off shoes, etc. When it's time to do that task, show your child the photo, or point to it on a poster you make of these photos. Your child can check off when they have done the task which can be empowering and gives them a sense of autonomy/agency that can be motivating. 

Skip the direct demand and go right to the expectation—what you want your child to do. 

If your child is getting up from the table, instead of "You need to sit back down." try, "We're still having dinner and sitting at the table."

If your child goes for a toy when you’ve told them it’s time to get pjs on, you might say: “We’re putting on pajamas now.”

This approach also has an added benefit in that it entails using a lot less language than we tend to use when we are frustrated and trying to get our children to cooperate. We nag, cheerlead, coax, or try to use logic, hoping we can convince the child to do the right thing=cooperate. But this tends to have the opposite effect. Having to stop doing something they enjoy in order to comply with someone else’s agenda is stressful and triggering to these kids. The more we talk, the more agitated and overstimulated they become, which escalates their frustration and interferes with their ability to regulate and comply. Less is almost always more with HSCs.

Scaffold for success by setting appropriate expectations using what you know about your child. 
Pria is very frustrated with her 7yo, Malaika, who refuses to hang up her backpack and wash her hands when she arrives home from school. She crashes to the floor and whines, and refuses to cooperate with what Pria sees as very minor tasks for a 7 yo. 

Malaika is a HSC who leaves it all on the table at school. She has far surpassed her sensory threshold and ability to regulate by the time she gets home at 5:30 pm and feels safe to purge herself and let it all go in a way that she can't at school. 

With this insight, Pria changes her expectations and, accordingly, her plan. She brings cleaning wipes in the car for Malaika, and tells Malaika that she can choose to hang her backpack up as soon as they get into the house or after dinner. This gives Malaika some sense of control. She initially chooses to always do it after dinner but increasingly does it right away. (For guidance on what to do when a child refuses to follow the direction at all, see the "two great choices" blog.)  Pria always has some "appetizers" out—foods that are healthy to eat before dinner in case Malaika needs some refueling right away and can't wait until they sit down for the meal. Pria also makes herself available to connect with Malaika when they first arrive home, if she is open to it. Sometimes Malaika just needs space.

These adjustments to expectations have led to much more cooperation and peace for all. Note that this is not caving, spoiling, or rescuing. This is using what you know about your child to calibrate your expectations to ensure they are in line with your child's abilities in that moment. That's what I call scaffolding for success. The key is that you are setting up these expectations and communicating them in advance—to let you child know exactly what to expect—and then you stick with them. That is very different from setting an expectation/limit, your child protests or has a meltdown about, and you give in. 

If these strategies don’t help, and your child’s demand avoidance is interfering in their, and your family’s, daily functioning, you would not be alone and should seek help from a child development professional. 
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For more on parenting without power struggles, go to this page and scroll to the category on preventing power struggles.

Learn more about demand avoidance.

Learn more about PDA Autism, check out @atpeaceparents- hosted by Casey Ehrlich.