I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT!!!! When Your Child Resists Discussions about Difficult Incidents
One of the greatest gifts we give our children is self-awareness, a key component of emotional intelligence. Helping them understand what makes them tick—to tune into and understand how their thoughts and feelings affect their behavior—is critical for their ability to develop effective, healthy ways to express their full range of emotions as they grow. That is the definition of good mental health.
Self-awareness is especially important for highly sensitive children (HSC) because of how deeply they register their emotional and sensory experiences in the world. They get overwhelmed more easily because their systems are registering more than they can effectively process. This leads to big reactions that they need to learn to manage—no small feat—but that is so critical to their healthy development.
Some HSCs are very open and eager to talk about their feelings after the meltdown or difficult incident has ended and they are calm. They often share profound and poignant insights, like the six-year-old who explained: “I remember them (the calming tools) before, and I remember them after. I just don’t remember them in the middle.” Or, the five-year-old who said, “It’s like the spirit leaves my body” after he’s had an epic meltdown. Or, the four-year-old who was able to tell her mom that the reason she fights going to school every morning is because she is afraid mommy will disappear. (Her parents had recently gone through a separation.)
As hard as it may be to hear our children share painful feelings, it is such a powerful positive for them for them to have this insight and feel safe to share it with you. It makes working through these difficult experiences possible.
But many parents I work with express concern about their children being resistant to talking about feelings. They refuse to engage in reflective discussions to process and learn from difficult incidents. They cover their ears, tell parents to go away, immediately change the subject, or just shout that they don't want to talk about it.
I believe this reaction is rooted in the discomfort of revisiting an emotionally charged experience, especially when the child feels shame about it. The last thing they want is a face-to-face discussion that can feel very overwhelming, so they shut it down.
You can't, nor should you, try to force your kids to have these conversations. Pressuring them often results in their digging in their heels more fiercely and redoubling their defenses. Further, they develop a knee-jerk, negative reaction every time you try to initiate a reflective discussion, making it less likely they will feel safe to reflect and open up in the future.
Strategies that can reduce defensiveness and open kids up
Set a tone from the get-go that is validating, that does not convey any judgment or smack of being a correction. Your opening gambit is critical because it can make or break whether your child opens up or shuts down. If your tone is serious as you say something like, "Let's talk about what happened at the playground today.” Or, "Let's talk about your meltdown at the restaurant,” your child is more likely to react defensively.
If, instead, you start out with a statement that immediately conveys that you are not angry, disappointed, or judging them, but in fact, understand them, children are much more likely to be open to hearing what you have to say. “It’s so hard when you can’t have something you want. I really get that. I feel that same way, too, sometimes.”
Ask permission to share your thoughts. Often children are resistant to hearing our ideas because it feels overwhelming and intrusive. Asking for permission can be a game-changer. Rather than launching in with your ideas/messages, ask if they are interested in hearing them. I have seen this result in kids being much more open to parental input. “I have some ideas about why…it’s so hard to not get what you want/your body acts before your brain when you are angry/you were so distressed about grandma picking you up from school when you expected mommy/you didn’t want to join in the activity…”
If your child says they don’t want to hear your input, accept it and let them know that you are happy to share your thoughts when they are ready. When we don't push it or turn it into another power struggle, children sometimes change their minds and ask to hear what you have to say. Even if they don't, you are sending an important message that you will respect their space which makes it more likely they will feel safe to reflect and share feelings down the road. Remember, parenting is a marathon, not a race.
Be clear that they don't have to say anything if they don't want to. They can just listen and decide if they have anything they want to share. “I have some ideas about why sometimes your body acts before your brain. Would you like to hear them? You can just listen. While I love hearing about your thoughts and feelings, you don’t need to say anything—that’s up to you.” When we initiate these conversations, children may feel pressured by the inherent expectation that there is going to be some big tête-à-tête that requires them to share their thoughts and feelings when they may not be ready. Letting them know from the start that this is not an expectation can make them more open to listening to what you have to say.
Tell stories about yourself that mirror their experience. Don’t come out of the gate by mentioning the incident. Instead, when you’re enjoying a quiet moment together, tell your child that you have a story to share (that is similar to something they are struggling with).
Nellie (4) was very resistant to doing any new activities. She loves art and her parents were pretty sure that she would really enjoy an art class if she would take a risk and try it. Her mom shared the following story with her: “When I was a little girl, I loved to dance and so my parents signed me up for a dance class. I was terrified and didn’t want to go. I was afraid that I might not be good at it, that the teacher might be mean, that I would feel uncomfortable with all the kids I didn’t know. But my parents took me anyway. I was really angry and wouldn’t participate for the first few classes, but then I saw how much fun it was and I ended up loving it and making some new friends.” Nellie was fascinated by this story and asked her mom a lot of questions. Then her mom asked if Nellie ever felt this way. Nellie opened up in a way she never had previously. They were able to even make a plan for how help Nellie feel comfortable doing an art class that would start by going to observe one as a first step.
A dad with a five-year-old, Louis, who was hitting and biting when upset, shared this story: “I was really upset at work one day. I wasn’t invited to a meeting and felt very left out. My feelings were so big that I wanted to shout and throw something. But I knew if my body acted before my brain, other people would have very uncomfortable feelings about me and I might have to leave my job, and that would be really bad for me. So, I worked really hard to calm myself so I could think and figure out how to share my feelings without being unsafe.” This led to a good discussion about what tools Louis could use when he gets upset.
Even if these stories don’t result in kids opening up, it helps them see that they are not alone with their feelings and experiences which may make them more open to reflective discussions as they grow.
Make exploring and understanding feelings a fun activity. “I have some really interesting information to share, would you like to hear it?.. Did you know that the words we say and what we do with our bodies all start with feelings? When I go to the refrigerator to get some food, it’s because I’m feeling hungry and my brain tells my body I need to eat! When I shout, it’s because my brain is overwhelmed with really big feelings of frustration or anger."
Then introduce the idea of making a list of lots of different feelings. Then talk about the ways those feelings might be expressed and what the outcomes might be. Start with examples they can easily identify with, like: “At school, if a child is throwing objects that are dangerous, the teacher will probably have them stop playing and take a break. If they choose to throw safely, like tossing balls into a basket, they will get to keep playing.” “If I shout at the waiter in the restaurant because I am so disappointed that they don’t have the kind of juice I want, I may be asked to leave the restaurant. If I can take a deep breath, accept that I may have to be flexible, and choose another drink, I will get to stay.”
Exploring how feelings impact behavior once-removed, in this way, can open kids up to talking about their own feelings and behavior.
Read books that reflect the challenge you want to help your child with and use that to be “social detectives” together. Ask about:
what they think the characters are thinking and feeling
why they might have acted as they did--how their thoughts and feelings affected their actions
what they might do differently to get a different outcome
if your child has ever felt like the characters in the book; whom they do and don’t identify with and why
if they have ever been in similar situations as any of the characters, what happened and what might they do differently to get a different outcome?
Schedule a ZOOM (or other video) call
During COVID, I had this epiphany: kids were seeing their parents constantly on ZOOM and were always competing with these video calls, so maybe we could coop this medium. Kids wanted to have grown-up meetings, too, (not just "stupid ZOOM school" as one child framed it.) I wondered if connecting “remotely,” without the intensity of being face-to-face, would also provide a boundary that would make the child feel more comfortable opening up.
I suggested parents introduce this concept by explaining to their children that the ZOOM calls they have with their colleagues are to solve problems together, and that families are problem-solving teams, too, so they will be setting up some ZOOM meetings. These meetings are to give family members a chance to put their thoughts and feelings on the table. Each participant is in their own meeting space (not in the same room), and I suggest just one parent “meet” with the child so it’s not too overwhelming.
It seems to work best when parents tell the child that they get to decide what issue to tackle first. Once the child has a chance to share, they are often more open to parents raising some issues. For example, one four-year-old, Rose, started by saying a problem she wanted to discuss was that there were no treats (sweets) in the school lunches her parents prepared for her. Her dad acknowledged Rose's disappointment. He also said that as parents, they couldn’t give her more treats than are healthy for her. She is allowed two a day, but if she wants one at lunchtime, that would be fine, but then there would be one more at home, not two. She could choose to have the second one after school or after dinner. The dad was amazed at how easily Rose accepted this, how satisfied she seemed to be. He attributed this to the meeting format—that it made Rose feel grown up and more diplomatic. Then it was his turn to raise an issue. He brought up Rose hitting when she is upset; that he can’t let her hit people because people have feelings and hitting hurts. He suggested they brainstorm ideas for other things she could do with her body when she is upset and they came up with a list of things she could safely hit.
Since that meeting, while Rose isn’t always able to control herself, the hitting is less frequent. And when dad uses a cue word to signal to her that it’s time to make different choice, more often than not, she is able to find a safe object to hit.
Other families have found similar success with these video meetings. It seems to put kids in a more logical and open state of mind; they rise to being treated like a colleague. At the same time it's kind of silly and fun, and creates a light-hearted tone that cuts through the typical tension of these kinds of conversations, making kids less defensive and more open to sharing and reflecting.
For more on helping kids talk reflect on difficult social interactions, check out: