Mindset #3: I can control and change my child’s feelings and behavior

Finn, age three, is generally a good sleeper. He falls asleep on his own and sleeps through the night. But he wakes up consistently around 5:00 a.m. and comes into his parents’ room, ready to roll, even though he hasn’t had enough sleep. They try a range of tactics to get him to stay in his room until 6:00 a.m.: logic (“If you stay in bed longer you’ll have more energy to play tomorrow”), bribery/rewards (“You can have an extra 30 minutes on the tablet”), and threats (“You’ll have no screen time for a month!”). None of these strategies works. Finn is not swayed by the logic. He is not interested in the reward and is not cowed by the threat. The only way Mitchell and Susannah can eke out a little more shut-eye is by letting Finn climb into bed with them, which they really don’t want to do. It makes it impossible for them to go back to sleep. They don’t want this to become a habit, but they see it as their only option. They feel totally manipulated by, and angry at, Finn for putting them in this predicament.

One of the key pitfalls Mitchell and Susannah fall into is trying to control Finn’s behavior—to make him stay in his room until “morning.” But the fact is that you cannot actually make your children do anything: eat, sleep, pee on the potty, be kind, or not yell or have a tantrum. Children, like all humans, are the only ones who control their words and actions. This is one of the most humbling aspects of parenting that no one warns you about. It is so fiercely counter to how we see ourselves and our role. We are supposed to be able to make our children behave.

But when you focus your efforts on trying to make your child change his behavior, you actually put him in the driver’s seat. When you are in the position of trying to convince your child to cooperate with a direction or agree to a limit, you are actually ceding control of the situation to him. Think about it—all of the typical tactics we use to try to get children to get with the program put the outcome in their hands. What happens if, like Finn, your child isn’t swayed by your logic; he doesn’t accept the bribe or reward, or he doesn’t fear the threat? Your child remains in control of how the scenario unfolds and gets resolved. In this case, Finn got exactly what he wanted, and Susannah and Mitchell got exactly what they didn’t want.

Further, if your child does accept the bribe/reward and agrees to cooperate, he is still establishing the rules of engagement. He will follow a direction or make the right choice only if he receives some reward or special treat for complying. He’ll stay in his bed after lights out if he gets more screen time the next morning. He’ll sit at the dinner table, but only if he gets three cookies after dinner instead of the two you had determined was acceptable.

The fact is, the more you make it your goal to control your child—to get her to do something—the more she is in charge. Her behavior determines the outcome of the situation. This is what is so infuriating to parents and leads to reactive, harsh, and ultimately ineffective responses.

This dynamic puts you and your child into what I call the “gray zone,” or the no-man’s land in which you are trying to get your child to comply with a direction or accept a limit through all of these negotiating and persuasion tactics. Absent clear expectations and boundaries, children are left to their own devices to fill the void and take charge. They make threats (“I won’t go to sleep unless you sleep with me”), pull on heartstrings (“But I haven’t had enough time with you today, Daddy”), or make you feel you are mistreating them (“You are not being a kind mommy right now”). These kinds of responses then provoke revved-up reactions from parents that further fuel the power struggle.

The other danger of the gray zone is that it descends children deeper into dysregulation. Without the scaffolding that boundaries provide for children, they spiral further out of control. We saw this with Gracie who could get herself into a complete tizzy at book time, demanding “I want daddy . . . no, I want mommy . . . no, I want daddy!” Once Aviva and Daniel set a clear boundary, Gracie was much better able to regulate herself, accept the limit, and move on in a positive way for all.

The critical mindshift Mitchell and Susannah have to make is, while we can’t control Finn, we can control the situation based on how we respond in these moments. This helps them forgo tactics designed to control Finn in favor of providing him clear choices with natural consequences that Mitchell and Susannah have the power to implement.

They get an okay-to-wake clock that has a red light and a green light (see appendix) so Finn has a concrete, visual way of knowing when it is time to stay in bed and when it is okay to get up. They childproof the room to make sure there is nothing that could cause danger if Finn is in there by himself for any period of time. They help Finn create a morning box with quiet toys to play with until the clock is green. They explain that, if he gets up and the light is still red, it is his job to either go back to sleep or play quietly until the light is green. (Mitchell and Susannah are now keenly aware that they cannot make Finn go back to sleep, so they don’t focus on or dictate that.) They explain that, if he chooses to come out of the room before the green light is on, they will escort him back to his room. The rule is everyone stays in their own bed until 6:00 a.m. and they are going to be sticking to that.

The first morning Mitchell and Susannah implement the plan, Finn comes into their room at 5:00 a.m. Calmly and without saying a word, Susannah escorts him back to his room. She offers to tuck him back in, but Finn starts to run around the room to evade Susannah. Susannah does not react. She blows Finn a kiss and says she can’t wait to see him when the clock turns green. Finn continues to come out of the room. Susannah silently and calmly walks him back. (This is no small feat because Finn tries to prompt interaction—asking Susannah questions and being silly and charming—to get his mom engaged.) When the clock finally turns green, Finn comes out, gets Susannah, and they go into the family room to play quietly together.

The next two mornings are repeats. On the fourth morning, Finn starts calling out to Susannah and Mitchell at around 5:30, but he doesn’t come into their room until the clock turns green. When he arrives at their bed, he proudly announces “I did it! I waited for the green light!” And that was the end of the morning madness. Some mornings, they find Finn playing and talking to his animals before the clock turns green. (An added benefit of this new plan is that Finn has learned how to entertain himself.) But, more and more frequently, he sleeps until or past 6:00 a.m.

Experiencing the positive power of this plan for addressing the sleep problem, Mitchell and Susannah start to take a similar approach to other power struggles they have with Finn. They didn’t have these challenges with their older son, Sean, who is much more laid back, and so they had not developed the tools they needed to effectively support a more fierce, persistent child. They had been feeling terrible and were concerned about Finn being pigeonholed as the “difficult” kid. They are thrilled to have forged a more positive and loving connection with him.

Becoming aware of and accepting that you can’t control your children but you can control the situation enables you to focus on changing your reactions in a way that reduces power struggles and engages your children’s cooperation.

RAINE: “I SAID I WANT THE RED BOWL!”

Raine, age five, is fierce. She has very strong ideas about how things should be and has a hard time coping when something happens that she does not expect. She melts down upon discovering that her dad, Seth, has filled the bathtub when she wanted to turn on the faucet. She demands he drain the tub. When her mom, Tamara, comes to pick her up from school, instead of grandma, whom Raine was expecting, she hides under the table and insists Tamara go home. When Seth puts her cereal in the blue bowl instead of her favorite red bowl, she hurls the bowl off the table and refuses to eat. Seth and Tamara are exhausted. They find themselves giving in to her totally irrational demands just to get some peace. They know this is not a good dynamic, but they are tired of the tantrums and just worn down.

The Mindsets and Mindshifts

When we talk about the feelings that are getting triggered for Seth and Tamara when Raine is acting “insane,” what emerges is that they are angry and frustrated with her. She is such a smart little girl—she shouldn’t be acting so irrationally. They see lots of other kids the same age who don’t go nuts like this over seemingly minor issues. They expected tantrums when she was two and three, and maybe even four, but not five.

As Seth and Tamara go into more detail about what makes Raine tick, a picture emerges of a very sensitive, intense little girl whose brain never shuts off. She processes all her experiences at a very deep level, which leaves her feeling overwhelmed much of the time. To make the world feel more manageable, she comes up with very fixed ideas about how things should be. When something unexpected happens, she has a hard time coping. Her boiling point is low due to her sensitivity, so she loses it more easily.

Seeing Raine’s behavior through the lens of temperament helps Seth and Tamara recalibrate their expectations; that it is not just Raine’s age that impacts her ability to self-regulate but also her temperament. This insight also leads to a mindshift from seeing Raine’s efforts to get her way as manipulative to understanding that she is just trying to cope. They understand, now, that Raine’s irrational demands are rooted in her effort to try to control all of her experiences in the world. She is going to do whatever it takes to stay in her comfort zone (a natural, human drive). They see that what Raine needs from them is support to learn to be more flexible so she can adapt when things don’t or can’t happen the way she wants or expects. This means they have to get comfortable with Raine’s discomfort. They need to tolerate her temporary unhappiness to be able to set the limits necessary for her to experience that she can survive when things don’t go exactly the way she expects. Helping her become more flexible is what will help her be happy in the long run.

The Plan

Tamara and Seth start with empathy. They acknowledge that Raine has very strong and clear ideas about how things should be; and that it’s uncomfortable for her when something unexpected happens, like when mommy shows up at school when she was thinking that grandma would be coming.

They teach her about flexibility. They tell Raine that they will always notify her in advance of any changes they are aware of but acknowledge that things sometimes happen at the last minute that they can’t prepare for. There will be times when someone else has to pick her up because grandma is stuck at a doctor’s appointment; mommy, the bedtime book reader, has to work late, so daddy will read the stories; or the grocery store will be out of the brand of chicken nuggets Raine likes so she has to choose another kind. All of these experiences are part of life because nobody can control everything.

They explain that it is their job to help her learn to be flexible so she can adapt when she can’t have what she wants or expects. They give her a sense of control when she has to cope with a limit. They always give her two great choices, such as whether she wants to be pushed on the swing or climb on the monkey bars before it’s time to leave the playground. (What is not a choice is whether to leave the playground when it’s time to go. Remember the difference between directions and choices!)

The Outcome

Seth and Tamara follow through with this approach, which requires a heavy dose of self-control. When Tamara shows up at school, instead of grandma, and Raine starts screaming for her to go away, Tamara calmly acknowledges Raine’s upset: she understands that it is a surprise for Raine to see mom and she needs to adjust to that idea. Tamara then tells Raine that it is time to get in the car, but how she gets in is up to her. Her two great choices are to walk, holding mom’s hand, or mom will be a helper and carry her. When Raine resists, Tamara scoops her up and buckles her into her car seat. Once settled in, Tamara asks Raine which song she wants to listen to. Raine keeps screaming that she wants grandma. Tamara puts on a song and starts to sing along. By the time they get home, Raine is calm. Tamara comments that Raine did a great job of coping with this unexpected event. (Even when a child protests, it is important to focus on the fact that she survived the upset. That is the key message we want kids to get: that while an experience might be uncomfortable, they can handle it. That’s what builds resilience and flexibility.)

When Raine’s favorite red cereal bowl is dirty, they acknowledge her disappointment and let her know she can choose another bowl. (I know. You’re thinking what’s the big deal about just washing the red bowl to avoid yet another meltdown. That would indeed be easier in the short run, but this is a long-term issue: to help Raine learn to accept and see that she can survive not getting exactly what she thinks she needs and can’t live without.) Tamara puts out several bowls and lets Raine know she should tell them when she is ready to make her decision. Then, they move on. They don’t respond to her continued protestations or whining, but they stay present, talking to each other about things Raine is interested in, like dinosaurs, and telling jokes that she loves, to show her that they aren’t going to engage in a protracted battle but are eager to stay connected with her. When Raine won’t budge and refuses to eat,

Seth and Tamara don’t get reactive; they don’t go into the gray zone by trying to get her to agree with their limit. When they stay the course and Raine sees they aren’t going to resurrect the red bowl, she eventually asks for cereal in a coffee mug! (Even kids don’t want to eat crow.) Seth comments, “You were so flexible! Your brain was telling you that you were going to get the red bowl, but, when it wasn’t available, you were able to be flexible and choose another option! As Seth and Tamara continue on this path of acknowledging and accepting Raine’s feelings and giving her choices within acceptable limits, there is a major reduction in power struggles. Raine becomes better able to tolerate the unexpected and be more flexible overall—a gift that keeps on giving.

LILY: FOOD AFTER LIGHTS OUT

Michael and Renata walk into my office and announce that they have a master manipulator living in their home. Every night after lights out, Lily, their three-year-old, calls to them insisting she is hungry and that she needs more food, despite the fact that dinner ended no more than an hour before bedtime. They go to her and tell her she had plenty of chances to eat before bed and that it’s time to sleep. Lily is not convinced. She keeps at it with more desperation: “I will never be able to sleep if I don’t have a yogurt right now!” Michael and Renata ultimately relent. As she eats, they are lecturing her about how there is no food after bedtime and this is the last night they are going to do this. But night after night, they are triggered by Lily’s distress. What kind of parents are they if they refuse food to a hungry child? Their rational brains know this is not a healthy dynamic, but their worry that Lily is truly hungry is such a trigger for them that they give in every time—and then get angry at her for what they perceive as her putting them in this impossible situation. They have come to dread bedtime. To add insult to injury, one morning at breakfast, Lily announces to Michael: “Daddy, after you put me to bed tonight, I’m going to be reeeally hungry.” (I love how she is able to come up with an effective strategy to get what she wants but she’s not yet strategic about revealing her trade secret.)

The Mindsets and Mindshifts

When I talk with Michael and Renata about these encounters with Lily, they explain that, while they know in their heads that it is not a good idea to start feeding her after lights out, they feel extremely uncomfortable denying her food when she insists that she is hungry. It feels “mean” and potentially harmful to withhold food, regardless of how many opportunities they have given her to eat throughout the day. At the same time, they feel angry at Lily for manipulating them—taking charge of the bedtime routine, calling the shots. They focus all of their efforts on trying to get Lily to stop crying out for food so they don’t find themselves in this difficult position anymore. With these mindsets on the table, Michael and Renata are able to take an objective look at how their state of mind in these moments is affecting their ability to turn this situation around.

Their first mindshift is that Lily’s behavior is strategic, not manipulative. Her plan to access more food and more time with Mom and Dad after lights out is working, so she is sticking with it. She is doing exactly what her three-year-old brain dictates: to find ways to assert control over her world. Whatever tactics work are reinforced and go in the win column. They also see that their goal of trying to get Lily to stop calling out for food after lights out is something they have no control over. Waiting for her to give up this ritual means they are ceding the control to Lily and have no ability to establish a healthy bedtime routine. These mindshifts reduce Michael and Renata’s anger and frustration and enable them to approach this situation more calmly, lovingly, and effectively.

The Plan

Michael and Renata make a clear plan for food options in the evening. They explain to Lily that dinner is the main meal. That is the time to fill her belly with what it needs to feel happy and full. Then, at book-reading time, they will offer her a small snack, such as fruit or cubes of cheese, which they call “last chance food.” They explain that, after this snack, there is no more food until breakfast in the morning. (It is important that the snack they offer be small, not nearly enough to make up for dinner, so that she isn’t motivated to just skip dinner altogether.) Offering another chance to eat before bedtime enables Michael and Renata to feel comfortable enforcing the no-food limit after lights out. They feel confident they have given Lily plenty of chances to fill her belly before bed.

They set a firm limit for what will happen after lights out. They tell her that they know they can’t stop her from calling out for food after lights out. Only she controls what she says and does, but they are clear that they won’t be responding. They will have given her lots of chances to eat before bed. If she chooses not to fill her belly and she is still hungry, she can have a big breakfast in the morning. They remind her that the great news is that she can always make a different decision the next night and eat more before bedtime. It’s in her hands.

The Outcome

The first night when time for “last-chance food” rolls around, Lily, with an impish grin, rejects the offerings with a polite “Thanks, but I’m not hungry right now.” Fifteen minutes later, and just three minutes after Mom and Dad have tucked her in, she is shouting that she isn’t just hungry, she is starving. While every bone in their bodies tells them to bound upstairs with more food, Michael and Renata keep reminding themselves that this limit is loving, not mean. They are able to stay the course and not react. They ultimately have to use a safety cover on the inside knob of Lily’s door to prevent her from persistently running out of her room to try to continue pleading her case to them. As uncomfortable as this is for them, they see that Lily’s ability to keep coming out is only getting her riled up more, which is not helpful or loving. It increases the intensity of the situation and makes it harder for her to calm down and cope with a reasonable limit. After three nights of implementing this new approach, the protests cease. Lily has adapted to the new plan. Most importantly, they all enjoy a much more pleasant bedtime routine and end the day on a warm, positive note—the most important outcome.