Feelings Are Not The Problem: How to help children learn to manage ALL their emotions

We love our children so deeply and what we want most is for them to be happy. So when they share difficult or uncomfortable feelings, our typical knee-jerk reaction is to try to change their feelings by minimizing or talking them out of their emotions: "Don't say you're stupid! You are the smartest kid I know."

This impulse is so strong because at a cellular level, it feels like it’s harmful to our children to feel sad, angry, jealous, or insecure. They tell us they don't want to go to a new school so we jump in to explain all the ways it is going to be so much more awesome than their old school. They express worry about going to swim class so we quickly counter that there is nothing to be scared of. 

Or, we are uncomfortable with emotions that seem "mean" or "wrong".  "You don't really want the baby to go back to the hospital! You love your little brother." 

Whatever the trigger, we just want to make the uncomfortable feelings (for them and us) go away. We fear that acknowledging them amplifies them. But ignoring or minimizing feelings doesn’t make them magically disappear. In fact, without a healthy opportunity for expression, feelings get acted-out which can lead to more, not less stress for your child…and you. They say they have a belly ache and can’t go to school. They refuse to get in the pool at swim lessons.

Further, when children don't get their feelings validated, they up the ante to be heard. Five-year-old Remi announces that she thinks her drawing is ugly. Her mom replies: "But I love your drawing, it's beautiful!" Remi's response: "You don't know anything about art. This is a terrible picture", and proceeds to rip it to shreds. 

The major mindshift to make is that feelings are not harmful to children. Sadness and joy, anger and love, pride and self-doubt, jealousy and empathy can coexist and are all part of the complex collection of emotions that makes us human. Our job is not to rid or protect our children from their difficult emotions (which is actually not possible), it is to help them understand and effectively cope with ALL of their feelings. Shutting down the process is a missed opportunity to help children make sense of, not fear, their feelings. What kids need when they are distressed is precisely what we need in these moments: someone who listens, accepts our feelings, doesn't judge, and doesn't tell us what to do or try to make it all better. Someone who can sit with our uncomfortable feelings and trust that we have the capacity to work them through, with their support. 

When we avoid or minimize our children’s feelings, we interfere in this process. We send the message that we are uncomfortable with their difficult emotions and don't want to hear about them. This makes it less likely children will share their feelings with us, depriving them of a chance to express and work them through.

Consider the following story:

Four-year-old, Trevor, becomes very oppositional after his baby brother, Joseph, is born; he is also very negative about Joseph, saying “mean” things about him and asking over and over when Joseph will be going back to the hospital, or if the neighbors can take him in.
Trevor’s parents are very disturbed by these feelings and keep telling Trevor that he should love his baby brother; that it is his job to teach him lots of things and help take care of him. Trevor's overall defiance only increases. Further, Trevor starts refusing to drink from a cup. He insists on only drinking from a bottle, which really works his parents’ last nerve. Annoyed, they tell Trevor that he is a big boy, not a baby, and refuse to give him the bottle. A power struggle ensues, escalating Trevor’s negativity and refusal to act like a “big boy”. 

At this point, Trevor’s parents know a course correction is in order and come in for a consultation. As we take a step back and look at the situation from Trevor’s perspective, his parents see that discounting his feelings is not making them go away but amplifying them. So they change their approach and begin to listen to and accept Trevor's emotions. They acknowledge what a big change it is to have a new baby in the family and validate Trevor’s feelings of jealousy at having to share attention with Joseph. They stop insisting that Trevor love the new baby or help take care of him. They give him a bottle (which Trevor gives up within 2 days once it is no longer a hot-button issue). They give him the space he needs to explore all of his emotions. They continue to set appropriate limits but without shaming Trevor, or making him feel bad about his feelings. Within a few weeks there is a clear reduction in Trevor’s acting-out behavior and he even becomes more loving toward his new baby brother.

Other common examples from my practice

Child: "I hate that new house. I am never moving there. I am staying here by myself." 
Instead of: "You will love the new house. We have a bigger yard and there is space in your room for your train set."
Consider: "I hear you. Moving is a big change. I totally understand why you want to stay in this house. It feels so familiar. Tell me more about what you will miss." 

Child: "You are not going out tonight. That is just not going to happen. If you go, I am not going to bed. I am going to stay up all night. And I am going to be mean to Ms. Mary and tell her she's a poopy face."
Instead of: "You will do no such thing. If you don't listen to Mary and go to sleep when it's time, there will be no TV tomorrow!" 
Consider: "I know you don't like it when mommy goes out. I understand why you feel that way. I miss you too when I don't put you to bed. But mommies need time with their friends, too. I have confidence you'll figure things out with Ms. Mary." (Versus getting drawn into an irrational argument, insisting that she needs to go to bed and be nice to Mary—things you have no control over. And dictating her behavior only makes it more likely your child will act out to prove that you're not the boss of her.) 

Child: "You don't love me. You don't want me to be part of this family anymore."
Instead of: "That is just not true. I love you so much. Why would you say that? You know that's silly."
Consider: "That's a really big feeling. I am so glad you are sharing it with me. I always want to know how you are feeling. Tell me more about that. I want to understand." 

Once you have acknowledged your child's feelings/experience/perspective, you can share your view and "reality test". Children (adults too) are much more open to other's ideas once theirs have been voiced and validated. 

"I have some ideas about how to help you make this change to the new house. Let me know if you want to hear them." (Taking this step of asking permission can be very powerful. Jumping right in with your ideas can feel overwhelming and intrusive and result in kids shutting down or becoming defensive.) "We can make a photo album of our current house to take with you. It is an important place for you and has a lot of good memories. We can visit the new house before we move in, check out the local parks, see what route we might take to get to school, check out how to get to the closest ice cream store. What do you think?"

"I am sorry you are feeling like you're not wanted in the family. I can see how it feels bad to you when mommy and daddy get mad because you aren't following a direction. That makes you feel like we don't love you. But our job is to set limits to help you get through our nighttime routine. That's part of loving you even though it might not feel that way." 

These are powerful teachable moments to help your children learn to name and manage their emotions; to show them that they are not alone, that you accept and adore their whole being, and that you are a safe and trusted person who will help them reflect on and understand their emotional life. Keep in mind that establishing this kind of relationship with your children makes it much more likely that, as they go out into the larger community and you have much less knowledge about and control over what transpires in their worlds, they will feel safe to continue sharing their feelings and experiences with you. That is your greatest currency as your children grow.

So, it’s important to get comfortable with your children’s discomfort. Instead of judging their feelings, welcome them. Feelings aren’t right or wrong, “good” or “bad”. they just are. It’s what children (and we adults!) do with our feelings that can be problematic. When you help your child understand his feelings, he is better equipped to manage life’s ups and downs which builds resilience and is ultimately what makes children happy.