Why Can't You All Just Get Along?
“Haha—you lost!”
“Stop singing that stupid song. You’re hurting my ears!”
“YOU CANNOT PLAY THIS GAME. YOU DO NOT KNOW HOW TO PLAY!”
The sibling relationship is about as complex as it gets. Talk about the confluence of emotions that run the gamut from the extremes of love and hate. The natural conflict that arises as siblings navigate their relationship ranks as one of the most vexing challenges for parents, often sending them into reactive-mode which tends to exacerbate, not eliminate, sibling squabbles.
Since every family dynamic is different, there is no prescriptive approach to effectively addressing sibling rivalry. Instead, I offer some key guiding principles to help you avoid common pitfalls, as well as some actionable strategies for responding supportively and effectively when your kids are causing chaos, that you can tailor to your unique situation.
GUIDING PRINCIPLES
Manage your expectations. Conflict is normal. Most siblings are going to struggle to some degree or another, for good reason. They are working out a lot of stuff through their relationship. Heather Turgeon and Julie Wright* explain:
Siblings feel secure enough with each other to work out issues of control, leadership, identity, and communicating their needs and feelings.
Home is a safe place to let big feelings show and to conduct experiments in social dynamics and cause and effect. (“If I say this, what will her reaction be?” “How far can I push this before she snaps?”)
When siblings fight, they’re showing their parents that they have a need for guidance, clear rules, family meetings, and more.
Big feelings about ownership, territory, and whose turn it is are expected among siblings.
Children go through developmentally normal stages of a very “right or wrong,” rigid, or black-and-white understanding of rules and fairness, which causes friction.
Conflicts arise based on misunderstandings, often due to age differences.
Siblings get attention from their parents when they have conflicts.
Siblings can feel they need to compete for their parents’ attention.
One sibling, often the younger one, wants the attention and company of an older sibling but doesn’t know how to get it.
Expect irrationality.The feelings that get triggered between siblings are often intense and irrational, rooted in deep-seated emotions of jealousy that they don’t have conscious access to.
Here’s a personal tale I am not proud of but that serves as a good example. After more than 500 consecutive nights of my 4-year-old being the decider of what books we read at bedtime, his younger sister finally had the language to announce that she wanted a chance to choose and blurted out: “Big Dog Carl!” I naturally responded: “Great choice, Jess! Of course you get a change to pick a book.” (I mean, the score was 500 to zero.) My son’s response: “I NEVER GET TO CHOOSE THE BOOKS!” I looked at my son in total disbelief and angrily responded:“ What in the world are you talking about? You have chosen bedtime books every night for two years!” The more I tried to reason with him, the more outrageous and vehement his protests. I became increasingly enraged and put him right to bed, refusing to read him any more books that night.
My calmer, wiser, 20/20 hindsight-self knows that this was a very insensitive and unhelpful reaction. My son was triggered by this change that he had not been expecting and did not yet have the ability to cope with. Responding with anger and rejection was decidedly not a positive parenting strategy.
How would I respond if I got a do-over?“Wow—Jess can use her words now to let us know what she’s thinking. And she wants a chance to choose books. That is a big change because you got to pick all the books for so long—almost two years! I know you don’t like this change, but it is my job to make sure both of you have a chance to choose books, so we will be alternating from now on: you choose books one night, Jess chooses the next.”
In these moments, what kids need is acknowledgment of their feelings—which are not right or wrong, good or bad—along with appropriate limits. There is no currency in trying to rationalize with an irrational person. Trying to convince my son about the fairness of this new plan only intensified his irrational perspective and demands. Learning to share and take turns is hard. But that is one of the benefits of having a sibling--learning that the world doesn’t only revolve around you and that you can survive not getting everything you want exactly the way and when you want it. That is a true gift that keeps on giving.
It is not your job, nor do you have the power to, make your kids love each other and get along.That is something your children need to figure out. Trying to control the sibling relationship often results in more, not less, rivalry. Which takes us to the next principle…
Don’t fear the feelings. Accept, don’t judge your child’s emotions. Learning to live with conflicting, ambivalent feelings is part of being human. Love, jealousy and anger can co-exist. When you tell children how they should feel, or discount or minimize their feelings (“Don’t say you wish the baby would go back to the hospital. You love your new brother…”) it doesn’t make the negative feelings go away. Conversely, kids will often amp it up to get across just how much they hate their sister or brother; or, they go underground with these feelings which just makes them bigger and thus more likely to be acted out with hurtful actions. Feelings need to get expressed one way or another. Shutting down feelings means your child doesn’t have the chance to work through her complex emotions which is the key to ultimately forging a strong, positive relationship with her sibling(s).
So, instead of, “But you love your brother…”, think: “You love your little brother sometimes and other times find him annoying because he messes with your stuff. Having those mixed feelings makes a lot of sense.”Or,“It’s hard to share attention with the new baby. You see mommy having to spend a lot of time feeding and caring for her. I know that’s hard, and that it’s a big change from what you’re used to, and makes you have negative feelings towards the baby. I totally get that. It will take some time for you to get to know her and see that being a big brother can also be awesome.” (Check out this blog for more on how to help older siblings adapt to a new baby.)
Your job is to ensure kids are physically and emotionally safe. Let your children know that it is their job to figure out how they want to play and be with each other. Your job is to be sure everyone is safe—emotionally and physically. You will not let anyone in the family be harmful with their words or actions.
Normalize sibling conflict. Explain to your children that experiencing a range of feelings about their siblings is totally normal; that sometimes you are going to adore them, have the best time together, and have very positive feelings about each other. Other times you are going to be jealous, competitive, angry, and have very negative feelings about them. That is normal too—that’s just what it’s like to have a sibling. Share your own stories about your experiences and feelings about your siblings. Putting this fact on the table can be very validating for kids who may be confused and overwhelmed by their big, mixed feelings about their siblings that are hard to make sense of and manage. It also neutralizes the sibling conflict/rivalry; shows that you aren’t concerned or upset about it, you expect it, and can handle and help them with it.
Teach your child about expectations for being part of a group. Explain that your family is a group, and that there are specific rules for groups, just like they have at school, which is also a group. For example, in a group, there is a need to take turns, to be respectful while other people are talking, to use kind words and gentle bodies. If anyone is having a hard time following the group rules, it means they need solo time, where they are free to use their voices and bodies however they like. These are ground rules that apply to everyone—no one is singled out. Be clear that when someone needs solo time because they are having a hard time controlling their voice or body, it is not punishment. Just like they have to take a break from the sandbox at the park if they are throwing sand or are not willing to share the shovels, at home the same rules apply. You are their teachers—helping them make good choices by experiencing the outcome of different behaviors.
“I hear unkind words. I know you’re frustrated with Henry because he doesn’t want to play the game your way. Do you guys need help problem-solving this?” If they can’t work it out with your facilitation and the nasty vitriol continues: “It looks like you’re having a hard time effectively working this out. I can’t let you be hurtful in this way—it’s not good for Henry but it’s also not good for you. Time for a break. You can try again in a little bit.”
“I hear someone saying ‘stop!’ What’s our family rule about that? We respect other’s space. Can you calm your body or do you need help to take a break?” Again, be clear this isn’t punishment, which only increases aggressive behavior. Offer soothing activities, such as: Play Doh, threading beads, or cuddling up in a kiddie tent or fort to help kids get back to a zone where they can engage in a positive way. (To learn more about creating and implemementing safe spaces for moments when kids need a break, check out this blog.)
Note that if your child is being impulsive, and, for example, pushes a sibling down, I would not go right to a safe space break. Safe space breaks are for when kids are spiraling out of control and they or you can’t get them back to a calm place. Their behavior is unsafe and they need a boundary. Instead, acknowledge the incident but avoid getting punitive as that can escalate the aggressive behavior: “I know you were mad Owen took one of your puzzle pieces. He is still learning how to control his own behavior. But pushing feels uncomfortable to other people and can be dangerous.” Then move on if your child is back in control. This is a process. You may have to do this hundreds of times.
See yourself as a facilitator—providing siblings with the opportunity and tools to solve their own problems. Explain to your kids that when they are having a hard time, you will help them by using a handy tool called “pause-and-problem-solve.” When you hear unkind words or see people using their body in harmful ways, you will clearly announce, “Pause, people” to cue them to freeze. Then you will name the problem: “I see you are having a hard time sharing the trucks.” Or, “You have different ideas for how to build the castle.” Ask for their ideas. Suggest other options if none of theirs are viable but be clear that you are not going to solve the problem for them. You are just helping them think through the situation.
One great strategy for kids age three and older is to give them five minutes to conduct their own “meeting” to figure out a plan for how they can solve the problem. (Kids love this concept, especially now that they are constantly hearing that they have to play on their own because mommy/daddy has a meeting.) Then, they present their solution to you. If it’s acceptable, they can go on their merry way and continue playing. The beauty of this strategy is that in order to keep playing together or have access to a desired toy, they need to collaborate.
Your job is to be a facilitator that guides your children to solve their own problems:“Two kids, one pterodactyl. Hmm…how can we solve this problem? ”If they can’t come up with a solution, you should offer some ideas. If they can’t come to some agreement, the toy can take a “toy time-out”. Explain that you will let them try again after whatever period of time you think makes sense. Once kids see that you are not going to solve their problems, and that lack of collaboration on their part is going to lead to a loss for both of them, they are more motivated to share and take turns.
Kids don’t always have to share. You might make a rule that if one child wants to work on something on her own, she has to go into a separate, “solo” space; that family or “group” spaces are for sharing. If your older child wants to build a block structure and doesn’t want his toddler sister to knock it down, he can erect it in his room or some other space where there can be a boundary.
It can also be helpful to have each child choose (within reason) some toys that they don’t have to share. The caveat is that they play with these toys in a “solo” space, like their room, not in a shared space, like a play or family room.
Avoid being a referee. Taking sides, or protecting one child from another, plays right into and escalates the rivalry. It also creates a dynamic where one child is the “aggressor” and the other the “victim”—roles kids internalize and that get solidified, defining the sibling relationship into the long term.
Stay agnostic. Name the problem and move to facilitate problem-solving.“You don’t like that Malaika is dictating that you always have to be the baby and she is the mom. Sounds like Malaika can decide to take turns playing different roles, or Hakim, you can decide not to play. What do you think you want to do?” Remember, your children need to figure out how they are going to work out these conflicts. If you become the decider you are interfering in that process and will also likely amplify the rivalry.
Don’t fall into the bottomless pit of trying to untangle what transpired—the “he said, she said” black hole. Instead, listen to each child’s perspective. Then paraphrase what they share instead of correcting or fixing: “It’s hard for you when your sister has a different idea about how to build the tower.” “You thought Sarah was done with the superhero cape.” When you restate each child’s experiences without judgment, it helps them put themselves in the other’s shoes. Once each child’s perspective has been put on the table, you can facilitate their coming up with a solution.
Don’t shame the “perpetrator.” “Why would you want to hurt your brother?” “What’s wrong with you? ”This kind of response usually makes things worse as it reinforces the reputation of the shamed child as the “difficult” one, making her feel resentful and more likely to act out toward her siblings, and others. Further, shaming results in kids shutting down and becoming evasive which interferes in their ability to learn better ways of dealing with conflict—the ultimate goal. It does nothing to support their ability to make better choices as they grow.
Focus more on the behavior you’d like to see, than on the infraction. While this may seem counter-intuitive, focusing on the wrongdoing tends to backfire and only increases negative behavior. Imagine that your 4-year-old grabs a rattle from her baby brother. You might say: “Oh, remember, it’s not okay to grab. Do you want to give the rattle back or should I?” If one child gets too rough with another, try: “It looks like you need a way to get your energy out. Here are some soft balls to smash, throw or bang.” Providing an option for solving the problem versus spending a lot of time on the violation tends to put children in a more positive state of mind and makes it more likely they will make a positive course correction.
Create a “cueing” system for kids who have a hard time with self-regulation. For example, a family I am currently working with has a five-year-old, Jake, who adores but is also very jealous of his younger sister, Maeve. He taunts her a lot. His parents have acknowledged to Jake how hard it can be to share attention with Maeve and that jealousy is an emotion we all struggle with. At the same time, they have made it clear that it’s not okay to express those feelings in ways that are hurtful and they will not let him do that. To be his helpers, together with Jake, they come up with a word (he chooses “Hippopotamus”) that they say when they see him heading down an unacceptable path. It is a loving and supportive way to throw a monkey-wrench into the behavior that is brewing. This often enables Jake to halt his haranguing or other unacceptable behavior.
Role play. Have your kids pretend to have an altercation—something most kids find very amusing. Let them know you are doing this as an experiment, to see what the results are based on whether they can resolve the situation or not. Have them choose a typical problem they experience. Then proceed with using “pause-and-problem-solve” so they have a chance to practice conflict-resolution strategies outside the actual heat of the moment. Play out a range of situations so they can experience the different outcomes: what happens when they are able to come up with a solution versus when they can’t resolve the issue and a toy might need to be taken away or they may need a full break from each other to calm their minds and bodies before they can peacefully come back together.
The sibling relationship is the testing ground for building all sorts of skills for getting along with others: how to share, take turns, cope with envy, build empathy, learn to collaborate, and to jointly resolve problems. So, don’t fear the conflicts that arise among your children. When you position yourself as a facilitator of this process, versus a solver of all problems, it can reduce conflict and make it more likely that your children will ultimately learn to respect, value and even adore each other.
If the sibling conflict is a constant interference in your family’s everyday functioning, to the point that you rarely feel you can all spend time together and that you always have to divide-and-conquer, consider contacting a child development or family therapist to help surface the underlying issues and address the dynamics with the support of a professional.
1From Now Say Thisby Heather Turgeon, MFT, and Julie Wright, MFT, to be published on May 29, 2018 by TarcherPerigee, an imprint of Penguin Publishing Group, a division of Penguin Random House, LLC. Copyright © 2018 by Heather Turgeon, MFT, and Julie Wright, MFT..