How to Help Kids Who Wake Up on the Wrong Side of the Bed
A spate of parents have recently sought my help for how to deal with their kids who wake up super cranky, both in the mornings and after naps. The minute mom or dad enters their child’s room, she is shouting at them to go away. Then, as soon as they leave, she is screaming for them to come back. This cycle can continue for half an hour. The more they try to coax or cajole their child into a better mood, the more irritable she becomes. Once parents have forced their cranky child out of bed, the morning is fraught with incessant whining and turns into a cascade of breakdowns about seemingly minor issues.
While this is the last thing you need when you are trying to get a positive start to your day, it’s important to keep in mind that your child is not making mornings miserable on purpose. Some children (and adults) have a harder time making what are called “state changes”: going from awake to asleep and asleep to awake. Their bodies are more reactive. These physiological transitions are uncomfortable for them. It takes them more time to settle their bodies to sleep and feel clear-headed and calm upon awakening.
Here are some strategies families have found useful for helping their children adjust to the new day in a loving way:
Create a wake-up ritual: Rituals are very calming and regulating for kids. Here are some ideas to get your wheels turning:
Include an additional book at bedtime that you read halfway through. You can make it a math activity by helping your child count how many pages are in the entire book and then identify what page marks the middle. Have your child make a bookmark that she can place at that mid-point of the book. In the morning, when she wakes up, you enter the room, turn the lights on low (some parents wear a headlamp or use a nightlight) and finish the book by her bedside.
Another option is to put an audio book on for your child when she wakes up.
One family established a ritual that every morning, when mom or dad comes in, they pull up a chair and tell their son a story from their childhood. He loves hearing about their escapades as kids; he can't get enough of them. You can adapt this to telling stories about whatever your child is most interested in.
Give your child a sense of control: Even if your child has called out for you, it can be overstimulating for her to start engaging right away. These sensitive kids can feel bombarded, even if you are being quiet and gentle. Your entry signals it is time to start the day which their mind nor their bodies are ready for.
Here are some strategies for helping children get back in control:
One mom came up with a clever and highly effective way for her child to self-regulate in these situations. When she enters her son’s room, if he is out of sorts and unable to accept any comfort or soothing, she calmly and lovingly tells him that she sees he needs more time to wake up. She’ll know he’s ready for her to come back in when she hears him count aloud to 10. (Her son is obsessed with numbers.) This system works like a charm. What a brilliant and sensitive way to put the control in her son’s hands in a positive and appropriate way.
Another strategy is to just enter the room and sit quietly with your child without making any demands. You whisper that you see that she still needs some time to wake up. No problem. You will give her time. She should just let you know when she's ready. Without feeling a demand from you and giving her some space might be all she needs to pull herself together.
Create a wake-up box for your child: Put it together with him. Include things that are soothing to your child, like squishy objects, stuffed animals, or books. Let him know that this is his special box for when he wakes up from a nap or in the morning--if he needs time to himself before mommy/daddy/caregiver come to get him.
If time is an issue—you can’t wait until your child lets you know he is ready—then use a Time Timer to show your child exactly how much time he has. It might go something like this: “I know it’s hard to wake up and start the day. We have ten minutes until it’s time to get dressed and have breakfast. How can I help you with this transition?” If he can tell you what he wants/needs, great. If not, offer him some options like the ones above. If he is so out of sorts that he can’t process any of this, let him know you will give him space. You will come back in five minutes to see if he’d like some help. Often that will help kids pull it together. If they don’t, it’s best to continue staying calm and non-reactive, and not fall into the trap of trying to make it all better, which often fuels their fire. Let your child know that you see he’s having a hard time while you keep moving along through the daily tasks to show you are staying present and empathetic as he weathers his storm.