How to Be Responsive and Effective Versus Reactive and Frustrated When It Comes to Getting Your Kids to Cooperate
One of the most pervasive pitfalls that result in parents feeling out of control and ineffective in getting their kids to "listen", aka, cooperate, with a rule or limit: REACTIVITY. Your child refuses to hand over the tablet when screen time is over. You get triggered by your child's refusal to comply and launch into an array of threats, bribes, or rewards to convince your child to get with the program. An ugly power struggle ensues. The more you feel yourself losing this battle, the more frustrated and angry you become at your child for creating this highly unpleasant situation. It ends with everybody miserable.
The inherent problem in resorting to threats, bribery and rewards is that these tactics are all dependent on your child being swayed by your threat, bribe or reward, which means he is in total control of the situation and is the decider about how this encounter will unfold. What if your bribe or threat doesn't work? Your child doesn't care (or feigns not to care) about getting extra books at bedtime if he cooperates; or, alternatively, about having books taken away at bedtime. Where does that leave you? Feeling more exasperated and out of control.
When you are in reactive mode, it is very hard to think clearly and plan your response. To help parents with this perennial challenge, I have come up with a simple strategy to prevent reactivity: taking a mommy/daddy moment to give yourself a chance to think about how to respond in a way that is calm and loving and that leads to greater cooperation from your children.
Here's how it plays out in real life: Seema has asked her four-year-old, Ashwin, to stop playing and get into the car to go to school. Ashwin responds that he just needs to do one more thing. Seema knows from experience that this quickly turns into 10 more things and typically leads to a protracted power-struggle. But today, Seema pauses and then calmly says to Ashwin: "I know it's never enough time to play, but it is time to leave." Ashwin completely ignores Seema and continues to play. Seema responds: "I see you are having a hard time following my direction. I am going to take a mommy minute to think about how I can help you transition to the car so we can get to school on time." (At this point, I have seen many kids just stop in their tracks and comply with the request, so shocked are they at their parent's lack of reactivity and change in approach.) Having given herself a few minutes to think through the situation at hand, Seema returns to Ashwin and explains to him: "Ashwin, we are going to get into the car now. How you get into the car is up to you. If you want to hop like a bunny or run like a racer, that's up to you. If you choose not to get into the car seat, I will be a helper and put you in. It's in your hands, bud. What will it be?" When Ashwin runs away from her to try to draw her into a chasing game, she swiftly picks him up and lovingly announces that she is happy to be a helper and get him to the car. She doesn't say a word about his shouting and kicking, so as not to fuel the flames, and places him in the car seat. She ignores his protestations and talks about all the things she can't wait to do with him later when she picks him up from school. With the limit clearly set and enforced lovingly, Ashwin eventually calms and the last half of the ride to school is peaceful and pleasant.
This approach of taking a mommy/daddy moment is even more powerful when you do it together with your partner. One parent comments to the other, "It looks like Ashwin is having a hard time folllowing our direction to get into the car seat. Let's take a mommy/daddy minute to think about how we can solve this problem." Then talk together about how you can assert some control over the situation, versus how you are going to control your child, which is just not possible. You can't make a child get into his car seat but you can provide choices, like the ones Seema came up with, that she actually had the power to implement. It's even more powerful if you have your adult discussion about how to solve the problem and what choices you are going to give your child in front of her, provided that you can do it calmly and respectfully. This approach has many important benefits for you and your child, including:
preventing reactivity
giving you time to come up with a more effective response
providing a model for your child about what collaborating in a mutually-respectful way looks like
Here's more on how to set limits with love.
To learn more about how to get on the same page with your partner when it comes to child-rearing, check out this blog.
This blog describes how to take a responsive versus reactive approach to parenting.