How to Be Responsive and Effective Versus Reactive and Frustrated When It Comes to Getting Your Kids to Cooperate

One of the most pervasive pitfalls that result in parents feeling out of control and ineffective in getting their kids to "listen", aka, cooperate, with a rule or limit: REACTIVITY. Your child refuses to hand over the tablet when screen time is over. You get triggered by your child's refusal to comply and launch into an array of threats, bribes, or rewards to convince your child to get with the program. An ugly power struggle ensues. The more you feel yourself losing this battle, the more frustrated and angry you become at your child for creating this highly unpleasant situation. It ends with everybody miserable.  

The inherent problem in resorting to threats, bribery and rewards is that these tactics are all dependent on your child being swayed by your threat, bribe or reward, which means he is in total control of the situation and is the decider about how this encounter will unfold. What if your bribe or threat doesn't work? Your child doesn't care (or feigns not to care) about getting extra books at bedtime if he cooperates; or, alternatively, about having books taken away at bedtime. Where does that leave you? Feeling more exasperated and out of control.

When you are in reactive mode, it is very hard to think clearly and plan your response. To help parents with this perennial challenge, I have come up with a simple strategy to prevent reactivity: taking a mommy/daddy moment to give yourself a chance to think about how to respond in a way that is calm and loving and that leads to greater cooperation from your children.