How To Help Kids Navigate Social Challenges

Caleb, 5, is at the playground trying to enter a game of tag with some of the neighborhood kids. He is randomly tagging people, not following the rules. The kids are getting annoyed. They keep telling him to stop. Caleb ignores their pleas and gets sillier. He starts to make fun of their names, calling Isaac, "Pisak" and Max, "Sax." At this point, the kids tell him to go away. Caleb runs to his mom, Mira, who has been sitting on a bench observing. He is angry and crying because the kids are being mean to him and not letting him play. 

Mira: "What do you expect, Caleb? Why would they want to play with you when you're not playing by the rules and are making fun of their names? And you don't stop when they ask you to. They don't like it so they don't want to play with you." 

Caleb: "They're mean. You don't understand! You never listen to me! You are always on their side." He demands to go home, which they do.

Mira feels awful. It is so clear to her that the way Caleb is acting with his peers is resulting in rejection, which is having a very negative affect on him and is painful for Mira to witness. She feels so sad for Caleb. At the same time, she is frustrated and at a loss as to how to help him see how his behavior is causing the problem, and that the solution is in his hands; that if he played more appropriately, he would have more positive social interactions and feel better about himself. But the second she tries to talk to him about it, he gets defensive. He acts like he is the victim and projects all the blame onto the other kids. She is despairing about how to help him.

This is a very common story, and conundrum, that many families I work with face with their children. It is so distressing for them to see their kids behave in ways that they know will not bode well for them.

The deep love we have for our children, and the concomitant fear that comes with this territory, propels us into reactive-mode, which often takes the form of schooling them (as Mira did), hoping that this will convince them to change their ways: “Why would your friends want to play if you won't share?" "We just can't do playdates if you are going to boss your friends around. They don't like it." We think that if we can just get our important (brilliant! insightful!) points across, they will change their behavior and all will be right with the world.

While you mean to be helpful, these kinds of responses are experienced as criticism, and thus shaming, by children, and launches them into defensive, self-protection, closed-brain mode. This prevents any possibility for reflection and behavior change—the ultimate goal. 

 What To Do

The following are guiding principles and tools that help parents lovingly and effectively support their children in changing the way they interact with peers, which leads to more fulfilling, healthy interactions and strong friendships. 

Start with empathy, not shame. Validation and empathy make children feel understood and not alone, which opens them up and makes it more likely they will feel safe to ultimately reflect on these difficult situations and feelings—the first and most crucial step for making any behavioral changes. This doesn't mean agreeing with or accepting your child's actions, it means showing you are tuned in to and acknowledging their experience.

So, avoid schooling and criticism and lead with empathy. For Mira, this means starting with a simple: "I can see how disappointed and sad you are that the kids don't want you to play." This shows Caleb that he is seen and that she is on his side. 

Also keep in mind that when we get revved-up and reactive, and try to teach our kids a lesson, we may be further overwhelming them, not helping them get calm and clear. They are already dealing with their own big, uncomfortable feelings. Sensing our disappointment in their behavior compounds their distress (especially if they are highly sensitive) and makes it much less likely they will be able to work the challenge through in any positive way.

Resist telling your child what to do. This is often the hardest step because the nature of parenting is that we feel the need to solve our children's problems.  No doubt, you have really good ideas for what your child could do that would result in more satisfying interactions with their peers.

But as human nature would have it, our knee-jerk, self-preservation reaction to being told what to do is defensive. Kids are no exception (especially those who are all about power). So your effort to control their behavior, for example, by giving advice, doesn't have the impact you are hoping for. They just shut you down. We need to find a path that opens them up to considering and acting in alternative ways with their peers. 

The mindshift to make is that your job is not to tell your child what to do. It is to be the person they can trust to help them think through their experiences without criticism or judgement; to provide an opportunity for them to reflect on and maybe decide to make changes to their behavior.

Think about it: this is the kind of response most of us are hoping for when we go to friends or family with a problem. You don’t want them to tell you what to do, which feels patronizing and dismissive. You want someone who, without judgment, helps you look at the situation from 360 degrees so you can think through what course corrections you might want to make.

Making this shift, now when Caleb comes to Mira complaining about a social challenge, she responds: "I can see this is a tough situation. You are not happy with how things are going. Do you want help thinking it through?"

If he's not ready to engage in this process, Mira lays out, matter-of-factly, without judgment: "I guess you have two options: you can decide to play according to the rules, call kids by their real names, and be accepted by the group; or, you can keep playing by your own rules and make fun of their names, and risk them not wanting you to play with them. Which choice do you think is better for you?" Presenting it this way clearly communicates to Caleb that Mira is not trying to control him; that how he reacts is completely up to him, which, in fact, it is. The result is Caleb being much less defensive and even sometimes open to reflecting on his actions and their outcomes.

Be social detectives* together. Normalize that learning to get along with friends can take some time and practice. Then introduce the idea that you can work together to figure out why kids sometimes have a hard time getting along by being social detectives.

You might start with sharing books about how to deal with peer conflict. (Talking about other people is always easier!) Ask about how each of the kids in the encounter might have been thinking and feeling, how that led to the challenge, and how it could be solved. (For a few book suggestions, scroll to the bottom.)

Next, you can apply the process to your child's experiences. It starts with you retelling the story of what happened matter-of-factly without any criticism, judgment or editorial commentary: "So let's see, you wanted to play tag with the kids at the park. You started to tag even though you weren't 'It.' They didn't like that and asked you to stop. You chose not to stop. Then you started making fun of their names. The kids then said you couldn't play. Let's put on our social detective hats and see if we can figure this out together."

Then get curious and ask questions that help your child analyze the situation, such as: "What did you want to happen when you joined their game?" "Did it work out as you expected?" "How do you think tagging kids when you weren't 'It' made them feel?" How do you think that effected their reaction to you?" "Did the outcome make you happy? Sad? Disappointed?" "Is there anything you want to do differently next time?"

You can also ask how they think the characters from the problem-solving books you have read together may have reacted in the same situation; how they might have changed their behavior for a better outcome.

Asking questions versus “correcting” reduces defensiveness and provides an opportunity for children to make connections between their actions and outcomes. This makes it more likely they will ultimately change their behavior. At the end of the day, your children need to learn to solve their own problems. When you take over, you send the message that you are responsible for the solutions. It is also a missed opportunity to show your child you have confidence that they can figure it out.

Ask for permission to share your ideas. Often children are resistant to hearing our ideas because it feels overwhelming and intrusive. I find that simply asking for permission can be a game-changer. Rather than launching in with your suggestions unsolicited, you tell your child, in a calm moment, that you have some ideas about how their play with peers might go better and ask if they are interested in hearing them. I have seen this result in kids being much more open to parental input. Even if they aren't, it sends an important message that you will respect their space.

Provide a tool to help your child make course corrections in the moment. Come up with a cue word that you will say out loud when you see your child going down a path that may lead to problems. It helps them pause and make a course correction before things spiral out of control. Mira does this with Caleb. He chooses "gobbledygook."  It doesn't always work, but there are times when Caleb is able to change his approach with very positive outcomes. Providing this kind of support demonstrates to your child that you are on their side in helping them make better choices.

What to do when your child shares or complains about a social encounter you have not directly observed.  Louis comes home from school and shares that his friend, Mia, was mean; she didn't want to build blocks with him and instead played with another child in the kitchen area. He proclaims that she is no longer his friend. 

When your child shares an encounter like this, what they need is for you to:

1) Show interest and listen openly: "I'm so glad you're sharing this with me. Tell me more. I want to understand." 

2) Validate their experience: After your child has shared everything they want to say, show you understand and are tuned in to their experience and perspective: "You really wanted to play with Mia and were unhappy when she went to play with someone else in a different center. This felt mean, like she was rejecting you and hurting you on purpose."

3) Ask for permission to offer suggestions: Children, most people, in fact, are much more open to hearing others' ideas once theirs have been acknowledged and respected. You can simply say: "I have some other ideas about this. Would you like to hear them?" If your child says "yes," this is your chance to offer another perspective: "It turns out that sometimes kids just want to play something different. It's not about not wanting to play with or not liking you, it's that they want to do another activity or play with other kids, too. When I was a kid I had a good friend whom I loved. We played a lot together. And there were also times when I wanted to do something different than she did, like ride my bike when she wanted to do art.  I also wanted to play with other kids in my class and neighborhood. I wasn't rejecting her. And she was still my best friend! I wonder if that might be what happened today with Mia. What do you think?"

If your child refutes this perspective and doubles down, back off. There is no currency in pushing a point when your child is protesting. It just makes them turn off to these kinds of conversations. They have still heard what you have shared and may be able to process and benefit from it down the road when you respect their boundary. 

End Note: A not-so-tiny victory

Sasha, 6, is very controlling and bossy in her play with peers. Her parents dread playdates because the visiting child always ends up in tears or angry and asks to leave. Previously, Sasha's mom, Mallory, would respond by getting upset with her, reacting with: "No one will want to play with you if you are always bossing them around." "Look at how sad your friend is. She wants to go home. Is that what you want? You'll have to play by yourself and there will be no screens all afternoon." This has historically led to epic screaming matches between them, with both feeling miserable and nothing changing.

Course correction: Mallory reported the following story in a recent consult. "Sasha had a friend over. They were doing well for awhile. Then I hear Sasha saying to this other girl that she is dumb, a maniac, stupid and a whole lot of other things. The friend found me and told me she wanted to leave. I stayed calm and told Sasha that it was time for us to have a meeting. (During COVID, Sasha became obsessed with the idea of meetings because she had to wait for us to attend to her so often while we were on Zoom.) When we were alone, I told Sasha that I could see she was having a hard time being kind to her friend, and that she had ‘two great choices’: she could turn the 'mean' off, be kind, and see if her friend would like to stay; or, she could keep being unkind and her friend would need to leave. I told Sasha that I knew this was a really big decision—that she might be very disappointed if her friend had to leave—so she could have a whole five minutes to decide what she wanted to do. She stormed away and slammed the door to her room. I didn't react. She came back out less than a minute later and said she wanted her friend to stay. Sasha couldn’t face her directly or apologize. (See article on why some kids have a hard time being corrected/saying they’re sorry). So I asked the friend if she would let Sasha try again. The friend said okay, and Sasha was amazing for the rest of the afternoon. They had a blast.”

I know it doesn't always work out so swimmingly. When it doesn't, it's not a failure and doesn’t mean that the approach is not useful. I strongly believe it is a developmentally appropriate, respectful, supportive and loving way to handle these thorny situations, even when the outcome is not exactly as you had hoped. It sends the right message and creates an opportunity for your child to figure out what kind of friend they want to be. It is a process, and the effects are cumulative. Stay the course. 

When to seek help

If the social challenges are interfering on a regular basis in your child’s ability to form positive friendships, I would recommend seeking the support of a child development expert who can help you assess what kind of intervention would be most helpful. Lots of the kids I work with participate in social skills groups that many psychotherapy practices offer and that can be very productive.

Books on social problem-solving

Llama Llama and the Bully Goat by Anna Dewdney

Marlene, Marlene, Queen of Mean by Jane Lynch

The Not-So-Friendly Friend by Christina Furnival

*From Social Thinking