The #1 Cause of Conflict With Your Child": Trying to Control Them
About 10 years ago, my husband and I were invited to go on a hiking trip in the High Sierra with several couples, all of whom we adore. I love adventure and was totally game. My husband, on the other hand, was resistant. (At 55 were we really going to sleep on the ground?? Did Zabars deliver to Yosemite?) The more I tried to convince him, the more I badgered, the more obstacles he identified to doing the trip.
Then I switched course (channeling my best therapist-self and trying to practice what I preach!) I told him that I was going to go. I was totally comfortable being the 7th wheel. He could decide what he wanted to do. I told him the date by which he needed to give his final answer, and then completely backed off. Within two days he decided to come. And he had the time of his life.
Why am I sharing this story? Because it illustrates the impulse so many of us have to control the people in our lives, be it our partners or our kids; to get them to make the “right” choice—to do what we want them to do, or what we think is best for them, because we love them and want them to be healthy and happy. (…And, because when they make the “right” decision, it makes us happy, too! …And, because, when it come to our kids, we often do know better! That’s what's so frustrating.)
Alas, as my story illustrates, trying to control (read: influence) others—to get them to change their mind and behavior—almost always has the opposite effect. As human nature would have it, the knee-jerk reaction to being controlled is to resist, to stand one’s ground, to dig in our heels to maintain our autonomy. This is precisely what happens when parents try to control their kids—to get them to start doing something or to stop doing something.
To start: getting dressed, sitting at the dinner table (and eating the food offered!), being kind to their sibling, staying in bed at night, doing their homework, happily go to an activity that’s good for their brain and body…
To stop: hitting, whining, being sassy, begging for more screen time, hurting a sibling or friend…
This results in a whole lot of opposition and defiance—the #1 root cause of conflict in the families who seek my services.
So how do you have a positive influence on your child, to get them through daily tasks, to teach them right from wrong, that they can’t always have what they want when they want it, to muscle through hard things, to respect and be kind to others?
BOUNDARIES!!!
Boundaries don’t involve telling anyone else what to do or trying to control them.
Boundaries don’t depend on the other person’s agreement, acceptance or cooperation. They are limits you set that you control and follow through on; that, as it turns out, makes it much more likely the other person will make a better, healthier decision.
Take my Yosemite example: I stopped trying to get my husband to change his mind and instead, focused on what I could control—making my own decision that didn’t depend on his agreement or acquiescence. I communicated this with respect and without judgment. Once I backed off and stopped offering up fodder for a fight, he was freed to reconsider the situation and to make a different choice. Even if he hadn’t, while I would have been disappointed that he wasn’t going to share the experience with me, I wouldn’t have been resentful that he had thwarted something I wanted to do. Relationship preserved. (He’s not the boss of me, and I’m not the boss of him!)
In psychology, we call this “differentiation:” the ability to stay emotionally connected to others while maintaining your own clear sense of identity, thoughts, and boundaries. Also known as healthy attachment.
The Four C’s of Boundary Setting
1. Clear: Be direct and specific about what you need or what your limit is.
Avoid vagueness or hinting.
2. Concise: Keep it brief—don’t over-explain, justify, or defend.
Long explanations can dilute your message or invite pushback.
3. Caring: Express the boundary with kindness and respect—for both yourself and the other person.
4. Consistent: Follow through. Boundaries only work if you maintain them over time. Inconsistency can create confusion or lead others to test the limit.
Setting a boundary in an adult relationship might be:
Instead of: “Stop yelling at me! Why are you being so cruel?” (Which usually catapults the accused into defensive-mode, denying they are yelling, etc., and the encounter escalates.)
Think: “I won’t continue a conversation if it turns into yelling and you’re disparaging me. I’m going to take a break. We can come back to this when we’re both calm and can communicate with respect.”
Setting a boundary with your child might be:
Instead of: “Stop yelling at me! I’m just trying to help you with your homework like you asked! (Which usually results in more dysregulation, hysteria and breakdown.)
Think: “I can’t help you when you’re shouting at me. I’m going to take a break and we can try again in 5 minutes as I’d really like to be able to help you.”
Instead of: “Why won’t you let me have a minute of peace to make an important phone call?? You have to quiet down and stop climbing on me so I can call the doctor!” (Again, child escalates and hurls vitriol ala: “You’re a mean mommy,” or pulls the guilt card, “But I haven’t had enough time with you.”)
Think: “I will be making an important call now. To stay in the room with me, which I would love, you need to have a quiet voice and body while I talk to the doctor. We can get you some toys to play with while I’m on the phone. If you can’t or won’t do that, I’ll set you up in a space where you can play safely (that has a boundary) so I can do my call.”
So why is it so hard to stop trying to control your child?
For the parents I work with, there are two key obstacles:
1) They are bombarded with messaging that makes boundary-setting feel uncomfortable and even wrong. That they are depriving or rejecting their child, which was the case with the mom who was trying to make an important call to the doctor. She worried her son would feel unloved by her and that putting him in a safe space while she did the call would be harmful. She has read that separating from your child when they are in distress is discounting their feelings and tantamount to abandonment. (A very unfortunate, false message from the “gentle parenting” community that has been very detrimental to many of my families.)
In fact, setting this limit was incredibly loving and gentle as it taught him:
That other people have important needs—which builds empathy and prevents entitlement.
That he can wait. Even if he protests the entire time. The fact is he survived the interlude.
That he still has a strong, loving relationship with his mom, even though she can’t meet his every desire. That connection doesn’t mean having someone’s attention 24/7.
Kids develop secure attachments and learn emotional regulation when they experience an internal sense of connection with a parent that persists, even when they are not attached to them like Velcro. Needing to monopolize and control someone, and not being able to function without their constant care and attention, is what builds insecure attachments.
2) The desire to control is so strong, especially when you see your child making a poor decision and want to protect the from the negative consequences of their choices.
Your child is refusing to do homework so you do whatever you can to convince them to do it. This often results in bigger battles, or extortion, with kids saying they’ll do their homework if you give them or let them do x, y or z.
Your child is refusing to go to an activity that you know they would love if they muscled through the discomfort of the transition or the fear of the unknown. So you try to get the child to agree to go through coaxing, rewards, bribes, threats. This often results in their doubling down on their refusal.
As this is a topic I write about frequently, I have loads of blogs (see list below) as well as a new series I’m starting on Instagram—Boundaries, Not Battles—that share stories from my practice about how once parents stop trying to control their child, and start setting clear and loving boundaries, their kids begin to make better choices, there is an overall reduction in challenging behaviors, and the parent-child relationship becomes much more joyful and less conflicted.
I’ll leave you with this brief gem. Mario takes his 4 yo, Carter, to a bouncy house. Mario insists dad go in with him, and that he wants to wear dad’s socks. Mario goes down the rabbit hole of trying to convince Carter that this can’t happen: the rule is that everyone has to wear socks in the bouncy house and dad can’t fit into Carter’s socks. Mario does all the things; he tries to be playful, to gamify—demonstrating that he can barely fit his toe into Carter’s sock. But Carter doubles-down, getting more vehement about his demand.
Seeing that this is going nowhere, Mario changes course. He says to Carter: “I see you’re having a hard time accepting that you can’t wear my socks. I’m going into the bouncy house. You can join me if you change your mind.” Mario launched himself in, with a lot of fanfare and silliness. Within minutes, Carter joined him and had a blast.
Related Resources
Positive Discomfort Part 2: Working with Schools to Help Kids Get Through Tasks and Transitions
Demand Avoidance: When Kids Vehemently And Consistently Resist Directions
How to Set Limits with the Fierce and Feisty: Case from the trenches